Oh, it’s been a day.
First of all, I had quite a few disturbing dreams last night. Two of them involved miscarriage – one was mine, one was a close friend. So I woke up relieved that it was just a dream, but also terribly unsettled. Remember, I just had a “hearing the heartbeat dream” before my last happy, happy ultrasound. So having this nightmare had me thinking it just might come true.
Next, I wasn’t that sick this morning. Not nauseated like I usually am. I tried all my tricks…thinking about meat, thinking about rotting meat, sniffing meat…and nothing worked. I just felt normal.
Here’s one more thing that I haven’t told you guys. I can’t figure out why I didn’t mention this, because it’s terribly relevant, but I think I’m just in denial. So you know how with the first pregnancy I felt like I had strep throat and with the second I got a terrible cold and a deep, relentless, hacking cough? Those were definitely symptoms that things were going south. Anyway, this time around I’m sick again. Not as bad as last time, but I have definite nasal congestion, a little bit of sneeziness, and last night I coughed twice right before I went to bed. I know, sounds minor. I know, it could be a common cold. But isn’t that one heck of a coincidence? I started wondering if I’m allergic to being pregnant. Maybe just being pregnant is making me sick. I know; it’s insane!
So this morning I had a bit of a breakdown. Ugly crying right into my bowl of Rice Chex and riling up the dogs, since you know that when you’re crying the first thing they want to do is offer comfort. But that just makes me cry harder, so really they’re not doing me any favors. I pulled myself together enough to go to work, but within a few hours I was back to crying (silently, this time) and panicking. I still wasn’t feeling nauseated at all.
I texted my mom and sister, who offered reassurances, but it wasn’t until my mom said, “Why don’t you just go call Dr. K and get an ultrasound so you can calm down?” that I finally took action. See, that’s what I’d been wanting to do all along, but I felt nuts for even considering it. I just got an ultrasound on Monday. Besides the dream, the cold, and the absence of nausea, what was really different? Nothing. But still, with her blessing, I felt like I could finally make the call. I still have to make it through a full day of work Friday, a wedding Saturday (where I’ll be seeing my ex and his entire family, btw), and all of Sunday before that next ultrasound. I knew that mentally I just could not bear it.
So I went out to my car and called the OB/GYN. I was crying pretty hard and on the verge of hyperventilating as I explained the situation, but thankfully the nurse must be used to crazy pregnant chicks because she agreed to schedule me an appointment for 30 minutes later. I instantly felt the anxiety melting away just from getting that appointment.
I went back inside, gathered up my stuff in case I wouldn’t be coming back (if news was bad) and headed on over. I wasn’t nearly as nervous as I had been earlier since I knew my answer was minutes away, but I also still wasn’t nauseated. So I tried to mentally prepare for whatever may lie ahead.
No one at the office acted like I was insane, even though I felt that way. The minute the ultrasound began I saw the flicker and said, “Oh, thank GOD,” and the PA laughed and said, “Haha, I guess you know what to look for.” Baby is measuring right on, 7w1d. Heartbeat is 155.
I felt silly after leaving, but also relieved. I can’t think of a better way to spend my lunch hour than getting peace of mind to get me through the weekend. Oh, and now we are officially further along than we got with pregnancy #2… 7w1d was the exact day that we found out we lost Baby Toast (a fact that did occur to me as I was driving over).
I think maybe I have pregnancy PTSD. Sometimes I feel like I have a handle on this, but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t hold back my emotions. I want to believe that everything is going to be all right, but all I’ve experienced is everything going wrong. I’m a mess. One minute I’m excited, the next I’m scared out of my mind. I know this stress is no good for the baby (which was another justification for the emergency ultrasound today), but I can’t get out of my own head. And the worst part of all is that I literally. have. no. control. I’m doing everything that I possibly can, but it still may not be enough. If you could have a baby through sheer force of will, I’d have 1,000 by now. But you can’t. You have to rely on this intangible thing inside yourself that you cannot influence in any way.
Well, that and you have to pray (you know…if you pray). Which I have been doing. Praying for this pregnancy, praying for peace, praying for sanity. It helps.
So that’s my Halloween story. Baby is fine…mama is crazy…and I get a smidgen of reassurance as we trudge on towards Monday.