burnt toast life

50 questions

My dear blog friend Amber tagged me to do this, and since I have no brain power to formulate an original post (at least not one that actually makes it from my brain to WordPress), I’m happily obliging. Because I love talking about myself. Obviously.

Without further ado…

50 Questions I’ve Never Been Asked

1. What’s your favorite candle scent?
I don’t burn candles but I do diffuse essential oils. Or shall I say, essential OIL, because my one true love is YL thieves and I just constantly diffuse it in every room. I know that’s not the “right way” to essential oil because you’re supposed to use different oils for different purposes but thieves just smells so damn good and makes me happy plus I’m way too overwhelmed to learn about all the other ones. At least for right now.

2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?
Any of them… so I could ask her to borrow money. HA!

J/K. I like my actual sisters.

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?
Same answer as above. I’m not enamored by celebrities at all.

4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?
I was 26.

5. Do you know a hoarder?
The closest I can think of is my parents, though they would argue that they are “collectors,” not hoarders. All I know is they have a helluva lot of stuff in that basement. I do not look forward to cleaning it out when they move on to a retirement home.

6. Can you do the splits?
This is a very weird way to say this… the splits? Is that how you’re supposed to refer to them?

I could do a regular split in high school during my cheerleader days. I could never do a straddle split, no matter how much I stretched.

7. How old were you when you first learned how to ride a bike?
5? 6? I don’t even know why I’m doing this; I have a terrible memory.

8. How many oceans have you swam in?
Two – Atlantic and Caribbean.

9. How many countries have you been to?
Only 5 — France, Monaco, Canada, Dominican Republic, and Grand Cayman.

10. Is anyone in your family in the army?
There are lots of veterans in my family, including my husband.

11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?
I have two – Molly and Madeline.

12. What would you name your son if you had one?
Liam!

13. What’s the worst grade you’ve got on a test?
I’ve definitely failed a test or two. Math and Science; never English or Reading.

14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a kid?
When I was a little kid I was all about Fraggle Rock. But sometime during childhood my parents got rid of television and I never got to see any of those 90s shows that everyone talks about. I don’t think I missed much.

15. What did you dress up as for Halloween when you were 8?
Uhhh… seriously? I have no idea.

16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?
No, yes, yes.

17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?
I like British accents but I also like me just the way I am.

18. Did your mother go to college?
Nope.

19. Are your grandparents still married?
My maternal grandmother is a widow and my paternal grandparents are still married.

20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?
Yes! My whole family did karate for a solid year when I was young. I think I made it up to the second level (orange belt? Is that right?) before we all gave up on our Karate Kid dreams.

21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?
Obviously yes.

22. What was the first amusement park you went to?
I want to say Dorney Park because it’s the one I remember visiting all the time and I still love it there but it’s probably Sesame Place (which I hated).

23. What language beside your native language would you like to be fluent in?
FRENCH. I’m such a Francophile.

24. Do you spell the color grey or gray?
Gray because I’m American and that’s how we do in ‘MURICA.

25. Is your father bald?
No.

26. Do you know any triplets?
My husband worked with a triplet a few jobs ago and we went to her wedding. I think she was a natural triplet?

27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?
I went to see Titanic in the theater seven times. I had a real thing for Leonardo DiCaprio and was a melodramatic teen when that movie came out.

28. Have you ever had Indian food?
I have.

29. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant?
White Orchids. THE BEST THAI.

30. Have you ever been to Nandos?
No, but now I’m skeptical of this survey because someone else said it’s super British. We don’t have Nandos in the US. Is that why they call it “the splits?” Is that a British thing?

31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, Bookers, etc.)?
Sam’s Club only because it’s the closest to my house.

32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?
Michael. They were fairly convinced I was a boy, actually, until I came out.

33. If you have a nickname, what is it?
Deeda!

34. Who’s your favorite person in the world?
I have lots of favorite people for different reasons. They know who they are.

35. Would you rather live in the countryside or the city?
Thank God I’m a country girl.

36. Can you whistle?
Not even a little bit.

37. Do you sleep with a nightlight?
I sleep with a salt lamp, which is really like a night light. Eric complains about it ALL THE TIME because he’d rather have the room pitch dark but I’ve truly come to love it over the years and couldn’t imagine not having it. I don’t know if it’s really making me healthier but I like the dim glow, especially when little visitors come tiptoeing in after having a nightmare or when I need to change a tiny diaper at 3AM.

38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?
Without fail.

39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?
I should be taking prenatals because I’m still breastfeeding but I ran out and have failed to purchase more. I am the worst.

40. What medical conditions do you have?
None that I know of.

41. How many times have you been to the hospital?
Just 3 for 3 c-sections.

42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?
Many times.

43. Where do you buy your jeans?
I can’t remember the last time I bought jeans.

44. What’s the last compliment you got?
“You’re the best mommy I never saw.” <--- direct quote 45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?
Sometimes.

46. What flavor of tea do you enjoy?
What flavor of tea DON’T I enjoy? (Also, now 100% convinced this is a British poll).

47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?
Much fewer than I used to… I’ll say maybe 20-30? I keep paring down as I slowly come to the realization that I’ll never rock 4″ heels again.

48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?
They will be good Catholics and THEY WILL LOVE IT.

49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real?
9ish… I remember the exact moment I found out the truth. And how my mom said, “Oh good, now you can help me wrap all the presents for your brother and sister.”

50. Why do you have a blog?
I have no idea anymore. It started out as a way to connect with others suffering through infertility and now I don’t want to give it up because I like it here. My posts get about 1/4 of the views they used to and it’s become increasingly difficult to figure out what to write about (or find time to write once I do nail down a topic) but every time I do write or get a comment, it buoys me up and reminds me why I still do this. I guess because I see no reason NOT to do it, even if I only post every month or two as opposed to every week. One day I’ll look back read these posts and it’ll make me smile, I think. So if you’re here, I’m here. Even if you’re not here… I’ll still probably be here.

And now I’m going to be an asshole and not tag anyone specific to “copy and repost” because most of the people I read have already been tagged. But if you do feel inspired to fill this out, please do, I’d love to hear if you can do the splits or not.

here in the state of bliss

It’s fairly chaotic going from two to three kids. Anyone who tells you differently is lying (or medicated, or blessed, or has older kids).

But it’s also amazing.

The thing about newborns is that they sleep a lot. At least mine does. She’s either eating or sleeping or pooping in her sleep (or pooping while eating). She’s awake for, let’s say, 10 minutes per day. The chaos comes from corraling the preschooler and the toddler, trying to keep the dogs from eating precious Shopkins that are strewn about (the eternal struggle), an endless cycle of meals and snacks, laundry, nursing, keeping a close eye on the newborn in her rock ‘n’ play because any day now she’s likely to be smothered in hugs (literally) by one or both older siblings. Did I mention dishes and laundry and cleaning? All of it. Chaos 90% of the time.

But… but. The sweetness is nearly unbearable. I gave Liam way too little credit when it came to adjusting to his new sister. I thought for sure he’d be annoyed at her presence; I figured he’d act out and push her away and generally treat her like some kind of intruder. But in fact, he loves her. He is enchanted by “Baybee!” and is concerned when she cries. This could very well change as she gets older and needier but at this moment, I could not ask for better adjustment from him. And of course Molly is enamored/obsessed/helpful as I knew she would be.

I suppose I owe you all a birth story for Madeline but I fear that a planned c-section simply isn’t as exciting as a surprise birth. We made it to the date we planned for – Friday, 8/25, 2 weeks ago today. We arrived at the hospital at 6AM for our 8AM surgery. I expected to be bumped in favor of emergency c-sections or other more pressing births since the end of summer is the start of “busy season” in the maternity wing. But instead of waiting, they were actually ready for me at 8 sharp. Unfortunately, I was not ready because once again it took 4 freaking people to get my IV in. Have I mentioned how shitty my veins are? I swear, I dread getting an IV more than the actual surgery. I was crying and shaking and had almost passed out by the time they finally got one in. Now two weeks later both forearms, hands, and wrists are still covered in ugly purple and yellow bruises from all the poking.

Meanwhile, the more serious cut is healing beautifully. It seriously seems like each c-section gets easier, or maybe it’s just that I know what to expect. More likely it’s that I don’t have time to be incapacitated with 3 kids to care for. Eric took a few days off work but even when he had to go back, the fact that he works from home has been an eternal blessing. He can be full-on working and still within shouting distance. Also it has proven invaluable for naptime errand running because I can just leave the house with one or two or zero kids and know that he can keep an ear peeled for the sleeping ones. It’s very convenient.

The only other big news from the birth was that I’m no longer allowed to go past 37 weeks. Apparently just like last time my uterus was super thin, but this time dangerously so. I mentioned that next time I wanted to put in two embryos and my OB/GYN said it really wasn’t a great idea. She said then she’d have to take me even earlier, and we’d likely be stuck in the NICU, with 3 kids at home… overall, just unwise. But when I asked her if I could safely have two more pregnancies she said she didn’t see why not. Five c-sections sounds excessive but if she says it’s OK and if my body continues to heal as well as it does, I guess it’s not the worst thing. The thought of being pregnant two more times is extremely exhausting but it’s also not something I need to think about right this minute. My baby is 2 weeks old. I can just chill for a minute.

As much as I fought the notion that I’d need to take time off work, I am glad I did. This week has been a little nuts with Molly starting preschool – which so far she LOVES. Me, I love being able to drop her off and pick her up, and love that I’ll be able to continue doing so even after I go back to work.

For some reason I recently clicked on that really old super secret blog I had years ago. I kept writing there for about a year before abandoning it and starting Burnt Toast. The last day I posted? August 25, 2011. I mean… how weird is that? If you would have told me then that on August 25, 2017 I’d be welcoming my third baby to our family I would have been so skeptical. I was thinking that the other morning when I had Madeline sleeping on my chest and the other two cradled in my right and left arms. I was immobilized because I was literally covered in children. And I realized that’s all I ever wanted to be, and there I was, living out my dream. It’s weird to feel so content in what I have… given the choice I’d definitely want more money, less debt, and thinner thighs. But overall I am totally happy with what I’ve been given and couldn’t ask for more.

And it’s funny too because I was reading some past posts where I talked about having a kind of pre-midlife crisis, wondering about the Point of It All and just generally feeling blah, but now six months later I feel completely different. Proof that the real problem was simple: I hated my job. Once that one thing changed, everything else felt a million times better.

A part of me feels guilty posting stuff like this because it feels kind of like bragging — oh look at me, everything is SOOOO perfect. Trust me, it’s not. Lots of mini dramas and crappy things going on currently, and even motherhood isn’t always the best time ever. I definitely yelled at Molly for not listening the other day. She went silent for a few minutes and when I looked over, she was just sitting there with huge eyes and silent tears streaming down her face. I said, “Oh my gosh, Molly, what’s wrong??” and she said, “You YELLED at me!” in the most accusatory voice. I guess she’s not used to being yelled at? It was so funny/sad. But also very telling. Even perfect angels like Molly aren’t always perfect. (Her latest thing is to question everything I tell her to do, and give long-winded explanations why she should be able to do it her way, so now my phrase of the moment is “Stop arguing with me!” which she often parrots back to Liam, who seems confused).

Anyway. I feel like I’m rambling and since the other two monkeys are sleeping, I’m neglecting this precious small amount of Mommy/Maddie cuddle time (because I’m usually too busy to just sit around holding her. This poor third child). I’ll leave you with some of my favorite photos from the hospital, which if you follow me on social media you’ve already seen, but oh well. I am obsessed with them and am currently planning a total photo wall redo just to incorporate them.

one of my favorites

one of my favorites

our beautiful Madeline Grace

our beautiful Madeline Grace

what did I do to deserve all of this? how can I possibly thank God for these precious gifts?

my gratitude for these blessings is infinite

currently

I promised myself I’d get around to posting something BEFORE the birth of the baby, which now is just three days away and who am I kidding, it’s not going to be some epic summer recap full of photos like I wanted it to be.

Just know that our summer was glorious.

It was truly everything I wanted it to be. Relaxed, fulfilling, joyful. Stressful yet satisfying. At this point I’m 90% positive you’re sick of hearing how much I love working from home but I don’t even care, I’m saying it one more time: IT IS SO GOOD. I had pool days on Tuesdays, I had afternoons free to do whatever with the kids, I had farm visits for my lunch break. I had 11AM snuggle time and exactly zero stressful commutes. It was trying at times (whining kids + deadlines = stress), but also worth it. Now that I’ve tasted this side of life I’m never going back.

I’d say my biggest complaint about the summer has been the physical demands of being 7 then 8 then freaking 9 months pregnant. Two days shy of 39 weeks and I’ve hit a wall. I’ve figured out that every day I’m able to complete one physically demanding task — anything from grocery shopping to carrying a box up to the attic to visiting a playground — and after that I’m useless. My to-do lists are laughable thanks to these limitations and now I’m totally out of time. Everyone has been making fun of the fact that I haven’t packed my hospital bag yet… well, I’m getting there. But that will be the only thing I do that day and so far it keeps getting bumped in favor of more exciting stuff.

But anyway. In an effort to keep this blog on track and actually produce some content, I’m going to try some writing prompts. Without further ado, here is my edition of “currently” for 8/21, aka Solar Eclipse Day, aka today.

Reading…
I’ve been reading A LOT in the last couple of weeks, mostly because that’s the only thing I can do that doesn’t cut into my “one thing per day” quota. Also, my neighbor is a teacher and home for the summer, plus she’s a book-a-phile like I am, so she runs to the library (since Lord knows I don’t have the energy for all that), picks up a big pile, and we swap back and forth. I read so many books this way I lost count, including one book in a matter of 24 hours when I was laid low on the couch recovering from the stomach bug. The kids watched movies while I tore through a novel. Probably the only thing good about the stomach bug is not having any guilt about “wasting” a perfectly good summer day literally not moving from one position except to flip a page.

If you want to know all the titles I’ve been reading lately, check out my Goodreads. But at this very moment in time I’m about 100 pages into Swimming Lessons, which is OK not great.

Watching…
It’s amazing how little TV I watch, especially since cutting cable over a year ago. I watch Game of Thrones and that’s really it. However, I do anticipate wanting to watch more stuff once I’m up at all hours breastfeeding because I don’t know if I’ll have the mental capacity for books like I do now. I’m actually dreading my hospital visit because my sister told me there are literally NO good channels; they don’t even have HGTV! It’s a little sad how disappointed I am about that.

BUT, I do have Netflix and Amazon Prime. So any suggestions you have for someone who is unapologetically ruthless and picky in regards to television, I would love to hear them.

Listening…
To silence. Can I get an Amen for kids who nap at the same time? It is one of my favorite things.

Drinking…
Water + flavor drops out of my new Atlin cup! It’s supposed to be a Yeti knockoff and so far I’m loving it. I can’t believe how long it keeps my drink cold… I’m talking insulated enough to keep ice cubes intact for 12+ hours. Plus, I got it on Amazon for $11, as opposed to like $40 or whatever for the almighty Yeti. #winning

Eating…
Nothing. Shockingly. I am already thinking about dinner, when I’m making some sort of very healthy concoction of crescent rolls and chicken that resembles chicken pot pie.

Wearing…
Last night’s pajamas. At 3 in the afternoon. Not ashamed.

Loving…
My job! And not just the work from home aspect, though that’s clearly the main appeal. The exciting news of the hour is that they asked me to go full-time following my maternity leave. This was after I said I didn’t really need maternity leave since I’d be home, but they kind of insisted. Which, I’ll admit was sort of an awkward phone call with HR but thankfully it all worked out in the end.

So basically I admitted that I can’t afford six weeks off with no pay. They agreed to let me work when I wanted, logging hours as I wanted, but no pressure throughout the month of September, then start up full-time hours at the beginning of October. Which is like, absolutely perfect and everything I ever wanted.

I even get to set my own schedule, so I’ll be working 7-3 and still off in the afternoons. AND I found a mother’s helper. It’s just… it couldn’t be better. Everyone from my boss to HR to my whole team is so friendly and chill and accommodating, and now I have the added bonus of making a full-time salary to boot. I could not possibly be more satisfied with how it all worked out.

Anticipating…
Uh, I dunno, how about HAVING A FREAKING BABY ON FRIDAY?

Hoping…
Really hoping everything goes well with my c-section. This is my first planned section, so I have way too much time to Google complications and stuff. I may or may not have asked my OB/GYN how she “knows when to stop cutting so she doesn’t slice the baby.”

Wondering…
If I’m the only one who isn’t 6,000% jazzed about a solar eclipse. I’m just not that excited. There, I said it.

Trying…
To motivate myself to pack a hospital bag.

Worrying…
About surgery and recovery, plus Liam dealing with not being the baby anymore. I think he’s really going to have a hard time adjusting and I’m just dreading that part.

Planning…
I’m pretty proud of how much I got done in anticipation of Molly starting preschool ten days after the baby is born. I finished her back to school shopping, got her an outfit… she’s ready to go, and she’s so excited about it.

Contemplating…
A nap. But I really shouldn’t.

OK, time to go maybe take that nap and/or read some more! Have I mentioned how much I love coordinated nap times for the kids?

We had such a great summer.

We had such a great summer.

reflections on one month at home

It’s been juuuuust over a month of doing the work-at-home mom thing and I thought I’d recap a few observations I’ve noticed in that time. So I can look back and laugh or cringe in a few years when everything is completely different, obviously.

Observation 1: There’s time for boredom.

Those first two weeks were a total whirlwind of figuring out my schedule and settling into a new state of being, but now that I’ve kind of gotten into the groove there are plenty of moments where I’m just… bored.

It’s so weird to be bored.

Granted, I have two young children and they keep me busy, but without the added stress of commuting and working a full time schedule, now there’s actually downtime in my afternoon that wasn’t there before. I have a list of random little projects to tackle that I’ve been chipping away at but it really feels weird to actually be doing them rather than just endlessly adding items and knowing they’ll never get done. I finally cleaned and organized my spice rack and one shelf (baby steps) of my linen closet. It’s incredible. I shudder to think what I’ll be able to accomplish when I’m not 7 months pregnant and super lazy.

Observation 2: I could never be a full time SAHM.

I already knew this about myself but now I REALLY know it. Even working part time makes me a little antsy, like I need to fill my hours with something else or like I’m forgetting to do something. I also find myself allotting way too much time for simple tasks that I used to schedule much differently. Like, I’ll mentally block off an entire afternoon for a quick grocery store run that I used to accomplish in 30 minutes.

Plus, being stuck in the house on rainy days is some particular form of torture. I’m not creative enough to come up with fun activities plus I am working for the mornings. So I’m just stuck with antsy kids who need an outlet. SO FUN.

Observation 3: The weather rules my life.

No offense to old people but… wow, I’m like an old person with how obsessed I’ve become about the weather. I’m constantly checking it and planning my life around it, mostly because our main excitement every day is going to my MIL’s pool, which of course we can’t do in the rain. Last week was crappy and we were going so stir crazy that I loaded up the kids and took them to McDonald’s so they could run around the play place (#parentoftheyear).

Actually, I felt really good about myself because Molly has literally never been to a McDonald’s in her life and kept asking if we were going to see “old McDonald had a farm” and I haven’t been inside one in so many years that I didn’t even know their screens are all digital now. The kids loved the play area and it was just what they needed. Molly marched up to two little girls there and said, “Hi. I’m Molly. I like you guys. Let’s go play.” It’s truly a shame about how shy she is…

But then she was having so much fun playing that she forgot to tell me she had to go potty and ended up having an accident. In the climbing structure. Fun times.

Observation 4: I will never go back to an office. Ever.

So I thought a part of me would miss hanging out with coworkers… or office life in general… but as it turns out, NOPE.

Seriously, I’m sure you’re all sick of hearing this since my last three posts have mentioned it, but if there’s any feasible way for you to do your job from home – make it happen. It’s sooooo good. I’m not going back and you can’t make me.

I supposed that’s it for observations. The end of June was particularly crazy but now on the other side of that it looks like I have absolutely nothing going on between now and Baby Girl’s arrival besides our family beach trip the first week of August. The lack of busyness is actually kind of sad, and I’d love to find something to fill the space between besides just really long grocery store outings and weather checking. It’s sort of annoying to be a faux SAHM, as I like to call myself, because I can’t schedule things in the mornings when I have office hours and by afternoon it’s nap time and after that time to make dinner. I know, I know, FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

I do truly enjoy all the extra time spent with the kids and the other morning I came to the realization that I would not have to supplement this baby (hopefully) due to decreased milk supply after returning to work. I know I’ll have to pump so I can get a little stash but it’s not like I’ll have a 3-times-a-day date with my breast pump in a closet somewhere. That is so cool.

Finding a mother’s helper for the fall has been a particular sort of torture because no one seems to have accountability anymore. The first girl I messaged with for several days sounded like she had so much potential. We scheduled a meeting – she bailed – and then disappeared off the face of the earth. Ohhh kaayyyyy…

The second girl rescheduled twice on me and then showed up late. (Traffic. Obvi.) She was very nice but seemed very young, shy, and quiet for a 19-year-old. Was I like that at 19? Not that there’s anything with being shy… she just seemed, I dunno, immature. Maybe because I already had some negative first impressions from the scheduling issues. And the lack of punctuality.

My third candidate was supposed to come today but – surprise! – she had to reschedule! And she was my favorite, too. WHAT IS UP WITH PEOPLE? If I had a job interview, I would be there when I said I was going to be, and on time. I’m giving her another chance because I’m reaching a point of desperation. Good thing I started my search early…

Anything else? No. Time to go check the weather (again).

7QT on a Thursday

A lot of the bloggers I read now do this thing called 7QT, an acronym which took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out and even when I Google it, nothing helpful comes up so maybe it’s just a v. v. small subset of the blogosphere using it. 7QT = 7 quick takes = 7 random things going on right at this moment.

So since I can’t seem to get my ish together to write a long post with any kind of cohesive theme and since I have so many things to cover all the time, I’m just going to go with it.

1. My baby is turning 3 tomorrow. MY BABY. IS TURNING. 3. TOMORROW.
If I’m being honest though, I feel like she’s been 3 for a while now because I do this thing where I round up my kids’ ages, which my mom calls me crazy for but sometimes it just makes sense. Like, she was calling my little sister 11 literally the day before her 12th birthday and I’m like, mom, get over it. She’s 12.

Maybe I round up kind of early but oh well. Part of it is that she acts 3 and has been exceptionally mature for such a long time, I just can’t think of her as 2. And because it’s been so gradual I haven’t exactly noticed it, but at times I’ll go back and watch videos of her from as close as 6 months ago and just be amazed at the difference in how she speaks. I’ve been taking for granted how easy it is to communicate even complex emotions with her and as much as I hate that she’s growing up, I also love it. She’s becoming her own little individual with quirks and mannerisms and I can’t wait to see what’s up next.

We’re having a very tiny get-together at our house tomorrow with pizza and cake. Half the family can’t be there and since my sister is so close to popping out her kid, I’m truly expecting her to call me tonight and announce she’s in labor. Which would be cool since Molly and her cousin would share a birthday, but would also NOT be cool because her family is half our party guests and Molly is so thrilled about her little not-really-a-party that I can’t bear to break her little heart.

2. I’m also, ahem, 30 weeks pregnant as of yesterday. WHAT.
No closer to being ready for the baby to come, but I did buy an obnoxiously large box of baby wipes at SAMS Club yesterday and got a little weepy when I realized that many of them would be wiping a tiny baby bottom very soon. Very, very soon.

3. Molly gives birth every day.
Not surprisngly, Molly’s favorite thing to play lately has been “having a baby.” She stuffs dolls and balls under her shirt, insists I call the doctor, and even has a green plastic saw that she uses to get the baby out. I’m not sure how she knows to lie down with her knees up and to wince in pain when the baby is actually being extracted… (seriously…), but she does. Maybe it’s some innate woman thing.

4. Working from home is absolutely glorious.
I cannot stress this enough. I love it. Loooooove itttttt. There were definitely some bumps in the road and there still will be, but overall I am completely happy and feel like I am where I need to be. On beautiful days, I pack up a lunch and bring the kids to my MIL’s pool around lunchtime (along with my au pair, who watches them until I’m done working). So when I sign off at 2PM, I’m literally poolside. That’s how I’m spending my summer. Not stuck in an office… not counting down the minutes until the weekend… at the pool, with my family. I am so grateful for this job it’s ridiculous.

And while I wasn’t expecting this, I actually like the job itself, too. I became so obsessed with the idea of working from home that I would have taken any opportunity to do so, even a really awful sounding one. But I really like my team, I like the things I’m writing, and I felt this definite surge of pride when I got companywide props today when one of my articles was trending on Yahoo.

I’d say my only complaint is that I’m running into the issue Eric warned me about with working from home… since my office is in my home, I’m always at work, and I have noticed I seem to work more now than I did before. I’m one of those people who likes to have things “done,” so if one of my articles is ready for the next step at 7PM, I’ll totally want to log on and do it, rather than waiting for morning. I need to stop doing that.

5. Liam is talking…and eating… and eating.
I found the best swimsuit for Liam that says “Always Hungry” with a giant open shark mouth on it and it’s truly like it was meant for him. He eats and eats and eats and eats and then announces he’s hungry. The only time he isn’t eating is when he’s sleeping… and he has totally fallen asleep while eating. Bottomless. Pit.

He also picked up the phrase “I want to get out,” but not necessarily the proper usage for it. So “I want to get out” could mean anything from I want get out to I want to get up, get down, go there, open that, eat this. It’s really universal.

Also, he says it in this pretty awesome Arnold Schwarzenegger-esque accent, so picture it repeated 100 times a day as sounding like “I wanna get AHHHWWWT!”

6. I’ve become obsessed with Jane.
As in, this super cute daily deals site. I’m not actually buying things because hello, 7 months pregnant, but I am pining over them and anxiously awaiting a day when I’m NOT super fat so I can get all the things for none of the monies. Check them out.

7. This is the busiest week ever.
Molly’s dance recital dress rehearsal was today, her birthday/mini party is tomorrow, her recital is Saturday, and Sunday we leave for a week of camping. I’m pretty excited to be extending our normal weekend camping jaunts into a longer trip because getting everything packed and ready for camping is no small feat and then it seems like such a waste to only stay for a weekend. After our camping week, we head back home and thankfully don’t have much going on for July besides our annual beach trip. So maybe I can spend some time getting stuff ready for the baby. HA!

I would promise to speak soon, but that could be a total lie, so how about I’ll just leave it at I’ll see ya when I see ya and goodnight (it is almost 9PM, after all).

work. life. balance.

I’ll open with a joke.

A good and God-fearing lady found herself in financial distress.
She decides to pray and says, “God, I need your help, please let me win the lottery.”

When she doesn’t win, she prays again the next week and says, “God, I really need the money, please oh please let me win the lottery.”

Once again, she doesn’t win, and once again she prays, “God, I have always served you faithfully, please tell me why you won’t let me win the lottery?”

Finally, God replies in exasperation, “Lady, help me out here and go buy yourself a ticket!”

That’s totally how I feel sometimes.

I want to trust in God’s plan for my life, but at the same time I know there is some expectation for me to make things happen. I can’t just sit around waiting for luck to befall me – I have to put in some effort. But also, perplexingly, I need to leave it all up to God.

It’s not easy figuring out where that line is.

This is all leading up to finally, finally discussing that huge problem I was having that is now somehow miraculously solved literally 2 weeks before it all exploded.

The problem was childcare – or rather, lack thereof. My sister can no longer care for my children post-June. I half-heartedly researched daycares many months ago and then decided that the absolute only solution to my problem was that I needed to figure out a way to work from home.

There’s really no reason that I CAN’T work from home. I’m a writer, and 95% of my workday is spent in solitude. As weeks passed, I became more and more resentful that I wasn’t working from home, and that other writers were working from home while I commuted 45 minutes each way to do work that I could just as easily accomplish from my living room.

That’s not to say I asked my current employer if it was an option – for some reason there’s a stigma associated with the practice, and I just got this vibe that it wouldn’t be well-received, even though it was just that – an assumption. Instead, I became obsessed with finding a new job that was remote-based. I suppose if I hadn’t successfully done that, I would have swallowed my pride and had the conversation, though I doubt they would have allowed me to do it five days per week. My current boss telecommutes three days, and I would say that’s their limit. Even that is better than being in the office full-time.

All along I was freelancing for a remote company and months ago I had interviewed for a full-time position with them. I thought that was my ace in the hole – but alas, I didn’t get the job. I got switched to a new team in that company and was busily submitting articles (part of the reason I never blog, because working full time + mom of two + freelancing = zero free time) and hoping another opportunity would present itself.

Weeks went by and my editor let me know that a part-time position on her team was opening up if I was interested. I gave an enthusiastic yes! Then… the waiting started. Each week brought another delay of figuring out details… checking with someone… the hiring process is just longgg and sloooow which of course is standard and not their fault but remember I had a deadline, so… I was in a panic. It got to the point where I’d keep my email tab open all day at work and check it the SECOND a new email came in. I can’t tell you how many times I cursed out Shutterfly for getting my hopes up for absolutely no reason. My stomach was in knots for two solid months.

I kept praying and asking God for the work from home thing to work out. I lined up my little sister Allie as a potential au pair for the summer, too. I figured if I could just get someone to tend to the kids while I worked, it would all be fine. Allie just turned 12… young enough that I don’t feel comfortable leaving her with just Eric (who works from home full time but is often stuck on long conference calls and holed up in the office unavailable) and the kids, but old enough that I know she could be enough help to keep the kiddos occupied while I got some serious writing done.

After many, many weeks and days of having a panic attack every time I got an email, I received word – I was hired part time to work from home! Amazing.

The next hurdle was telling my current employer AND convincing them to let me stay on freelance (since I still need to maintain the same salary, or as close as I can get). Luckily, they agreed to it immediately. Beginning June 5th I will be working part-time for the new company, freelancing for my current company, and at home 100% of the time.

Yay!

As excited as I am, I’m a little nervous about how it will all work out. I have never done anything like this and will need to keep track of billing my freelance customers, keep track of all my hours for the part time role, and really just stay on top of things. Plus, I’m worried the work will dry up. I’ve always enjoyed the security of working full time and not worrying about that. Then again… no job is guaranteed, as I found out the hard way last November when I got laid off.

I’m very excited to be home more with the kids. I won’t be wasting so many hours sitting in traffic, or so much money on gas. I think it will be busy, and hectic, but I am totally romanticizing how nice it will be to be able to preheat the oven for dinner at 4:30 rather than not even stumbling in the door until 6 (by which point Liam is screaming hungry with no concept of “raw chicken must cook”). Or how about how I can throw in a load of towels at 12 noon on a Wednesday? My world is opening up. Domestic goddesshood, here I come. (HA. HA!)

I’m not naive though… Eric’s biggest complaint about working from home is that he’s always at work. If a client emails or calls him at 7PM, he’s expected to answer, and there’s no leaving work at work when your work is at your house. But I figure it’s a fair tradeoff. Also, my job is less stressful than his. I actually enjoy the articles I’ll be writing for this part time gig – they’re fun and not incredibly difficult to write.

Also, I do need to figure out a long-term solution for when Allie goes back to school in the fall – and I will have three kids, not two. But at least by then I will have figured out a rhythm to the work and will have a better idea what hours need to be covered. For now, I’m trying not to think about it. I’m just grateful it worked out with not a day to spare. (Literally – my sister wanted her last day to be June 6th, and I’m starting this job June 5th. That is an incredible coincidence).

New theme song: We can work from home… wo-ah, wo-ah.

….even though that song is DEFINITELY not about working.

room for all of us

I’ll never forget a conversation I overheard once. Someone asked a mom if she was going to have more children and she replied that she would like to, but had decided against it simply because she didn’t have any more bedrooms in her house.

That’s insane.

Now that I’m pregnant with my third, I can’t tell you how many people ask me where the child will sleep. Our house was advertised as a 2-bedroom and we went to look at it anyway. I’m glad we did because it actually had 3 bedrooms (though not technically since that third “room” didn’t have a closet). As it stands, with Eric working from home full time and being the sort of person who needs an office/man cave/escape from screaming toddlers, we have two bedrooms – one master and one combo kid bedroom and playroom.

There is nowhere for this new baby to go. And yet… I know she’ll be just fine.

(Also, to answer the question, she’ll sleep in our room in a bassinet next to our bed as both my other newborns did. Then after some months go by… I don’t know, we’ll figure it out then).

I shared a room with my sister growing up. I don’t remember loving or hating it – that’s just how things were. My brother had a bedroom the size of a shoebox and I think I was just happy to have a space I could actually twirl around in, even if it was shared. There’s also something comforting about sharing a bedroom – especially at an age when you kind of think monsters might still exist.

I also remember how weird it was moving when I was 16 – we went from a 1,600 square foot cape cod with one bathroom to a 3,500 square foot McMansion. It was exciting, but lonely. For those first few months I definitely saw my family less and while that was appealing to the snarky teen in me… looking back, it really wasn’t that great. I missed my old house because I’m hostile to change and also because I missed the closeness. I’m sure the adults thought it was cramped and small but I never did.

In 2016, average American home size was up to 2,687 square feet – a huge increase from the 1973 average, which was 1,660 square feet. Also, unsurprisingly, the number of occupants per home has dwindled from 3.0 to 2.5 (yes, I researched all of this because I was curious. Huge nerd alert). I didn’t bother looking up older statistics but I’m fairly certain our great-great-grandparents shared rooms and even beds all the time – with entire families jammed into small spaces and not even complaining about it. Where did we get the idea that we need so much space to exist?

There are a lot of things I don’t like about my house – and actually, the lack of a playroom is one of them, because despite my minimalist daydreams, the toys are slowly but surely taking over every available inch of space. But one thing I do love is how I don’t even need a baby monitor because my kids’ room is a few feet from my own door and I can practically hear them breathing at night.

I remember freaking out over having the nursery ready for Molly, and knowing I was being ridiculous but still being so concerned about it. When I was pregnant with Liam, I did take the time to get ready and at least attempted to incorporate boy things but I was a lot more chill. This baby? Hmmm, the newborn clothes have been untouched for almost three years and are probably mouse eaten, the bassinet is completely disassembled, and all the other “baby stuff” is just sitting in a heap in the attic. It’s not that I don’t care about her or that I’m not excited… it’s that now for the third go-round, I know what matters.

I’ve become fond of saying babies need two things – boobies and warm hugs. Our sweet little girl won’t be able to see very well, but she’ll be able to feel all the love that’s waiting to welcome her. She definitely won’t notice that she doesn’t have her own room. At least… not for a few years.

That’s been on my mind lately. I stumbled upon the cutest toddler bunk beds that I definitely want to get for Liam & Molly once the baby is big enough to move into the big kid room. Coincidentally, it was one year ago today that I moved Molly into her big girl bed and Liam into the crib, so she wasn’t quite two… that’s exactly how old Liam will be when I need to move the baby in with them. I can’t imagine him being ready but then again it’s hard to overestimate the maturity difference between 1.5 and 2. I guess I forgot.

I hope everyone had a lovely Mother’s Day! Ours was low-key and spent with extended family… just how I like it. I wanted to go to the zoo with the kids but it was a weird weather day so we’re saving our fun family outing for another time. As I said on Facebook, coming home to a cleaned house Friday night was honestly the best gift I could have received. I keep telling Eric I’d rather have experience gifts than physical items (the experience of not house cleaning…?) and he came through for me, big time.

It’s going to sound cheesy but Mother’s Day is supposed to be about celebrating moms but all I can ever think about is how I’m just so happy to BE a mom at all. Everyone talks about giving mom a break but I don’t want a break… not even on Mother’s Day. I just want allllll the motherhood. Even the crappy parts. I know that’s super weird.

Have a lovely week, even if your house is small!

 

minimalism on my mind

desk-1081708_1920

This post has been ruminating in my head for so long that it actually feels silly to write about it now. It seems like old news.

As I’m prone to do, I caught on to the “new” trend towards minimalism a full five years after everyone else. OK, not quite, but basically.

A few things happened that made me move from “minimalism sounds sort of interesting” to “yes, I’m going to pursue this.”

  • I started following blogs and watching Netflix documentaries on the topic. Turns out it’s fairly addictive. The irony is now that I have so many thoughts churning, it’s actually stressing me out, which I realize is HIGHLY ironic because the whole movement is supposed to make you feel more calm and peaceful.
  • My makeup collection includes eyeshadow from ten years ago. Seriously. I don’t wear it (ew), but I hold onto it because hey, maybe my 6 months pregnant 30-something-year-old self WILL need bacterially questionable jet black eyeshadow for a night on the town one day soon. Also, it was expensive.
  • I just keep thinking of a funny story about my mother-in-law. For a really long time she had this gigantic collection of cookie tins lining a wall in her dining room, stacked up to the ceiling. She took them all down a few years ago when the room was being repainted and she had every intention of putting them back up but never did. Once they were down she saw it looked way better without them.

I feel like I have a similar relationship with my “stuff” – it’s there now and I’m used to it, but if I could just bring myself to box it all up and see how the room looked without it, I know I’d like it better.

  • Sometimes I get super jealous of my friends’ kids’ toy collections. I mean, some are truly staggering. Wall to wall bins of every imaginable plaything… kitchens with all the handcrafted wooden play food, bins upon bins of Barbies and action figures, train tracks and train tables and Legos, costume closets with adorable mini dresses and shoes, garages packed with scooters, basketball hoops, and Power Wheels, you name it. It makes my own collection feel truly inadequate.

But then I watch my kids playing. The other night they occupied themselves for several hours with some old birthday party decorations they found in a cabinet. Molly took a plain piece of string and invented a whole backstory and life of fun for her “snake” while Liam walked around gleefully with one of those colorful weights you use to hold down balloons. Meanwhile, I know for a fact that some of the friends who have mountains of toys have a hard time getting their kids to put down their iPads. So…

It all fits in nicely with some new research I’ve seen about preschools and kindergartens taking away toys for periods of time to force kids to use their imaginations again. Sure, it sounds extreme… but is it?

My kids definitely have toys and now that I’m reading all this stuff, apparently too many toys, but I think the point is that they play with what they have and the only person who sees what they have as inadequate is me. Then again, I might just be adopting this mentality because I’m too cheap/poor to compete with the mega toy moms. Minimalism is the trendier and cheaper option.

  • One of my big holdups was always my husband, a collector. He likes to be surrounded by souvenirs and has a collection of graphic t-shirts large enough that he could avoid doing laundry for at least 3 months and never wear the same one twice. I knew he wouldn’t see the appeal of minimalizing with me, so I figured doing our house half-assed wasn’t worth doing at all.

But then one day this month without warning, he totally gutted his closet and made it into a minimalist’s dream. Space between hangers! Nothing extra at all! Oh AND he got his pile of crap off the dresser so now when I look with disdain at all the trinkets still left there, I only have myself to blame. Apparently, he is on board – at least for certain things. Who knew?

seriously, you should have seen it before

I grew up in a collector’s house. I won’t use the “H” word (ahem…hoarder), but let’s just say my parents don’t get rid of A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G and they buy A LOT of stuff.

This was really nice growing up because I was very spoiled and whenever you see those lists of toys that will make you nostalgic for your childhood, it’s guaranteed I will have owned 85-90% of them AND even better, could probably still find them with a few hours of digging in my parents’ basement.

True story: I wanted to take my old Dream Phone game on vacation last summer and wouldn’t you know, my mom totally found it in her basement. So you can see that the saving tendencies come in handy when a group of 30-somethings want to drink wine and relive their girlhood.

Despite genetics, I’ve always been more inclined to want less stuff/clutter and have been frantically picturing all the places where de-cluttering needs to happen in my house. I know what needs to get done – mentally, I’m there. But time wise I’m strapped. Besides working full-time during the day and being a mom from dinnertime to bedtime, the weekends are packed full and I never want to start a project I can’t finish or feel rushed doing it.

And I realize now that part of minimalism is actually finding more time in the day and clearing your calendar of all distractions… but it’s hard. All the things I’m doing are pretty fun and I’m sorry not sorry that I’ll never be willing to skip a birthday party so I can clean out my linen closet, no matter how badly I need to get rid of old towels.

As I’ve been cryptically hinting for months, I’m still working towards a solution that would give me more time to be at home and less time spent on the daily grind. Unfortunately, I’m no closer to solving that particular problem, though I know once I do I can fit more minimalist pursuits into my life.

I have tons more to say on the topic and I do want to document my “journey” once I finally get it the hell started, so who knows, maybe this will turn into a blog about going minimal. I’m sure that’s more riveting than long rambling posts about what my kids have been up to – or worse – not posting at all because I can’t figure out what to say.

I’ll never be that super awesome Insta photo with white walls and bare floors because, hello, this is real life. That level is beyond me. But I am working really hard on caring less about the stuff I don’t have and appreciating the stuff I do have. It all boils down to the fact that the stuff will never fill the void – only love can do that.

How about you? Are y’all a bunch of minimalists, or have I secretly-not-so-secretly envied your toy collections?

 

 

top 10 new baby must-haves, courtesy of a veteran mom

Now that I’m two kids wiser and currently incubating a third, some people may think that I know what I’m doing.

HA!

The truth is that I’m just as insecure and confused as everyone, but still that doesn’t stop me from handing out unsolicited advice whenever possible. So when the lovely folks over at The Baby Cubby approached me about potentially writing a post highlighting some of my favorite products for new & veteran moms alike, I was happy to oblige. Because while I haven’t quite figured out the “secret” to great parenting (though I’m inclined to think it has something to do with being a billionaire and having lots of live-in help), I have been able to determine which products get used regularly and which are sadly accumulating dust in my yard sale pile.

I had never heard of The Baby Cubby, but a little poking around on their site was all it took for me to give them two big thumbs up. This is for a couple of reasons. First, they carried all the products I knew I wanted to recommend anyway. And second, they had a curated collection of items rather than a smorgasbord of ABSOLUTELY ALL THE THINGS. Because as much as I love Amazon, it can be overwhelming shopping for carseats when your search turns up 10,000 results and you have not the time nor the energy to sort through them all (because kids, sleep, job, husband). With an online boutique focused on doing all that research for you and only offering the best of the best (and often price-matching with Amazon and free shipping over $49), you don’t need to spend hours combing through reviews. The work is done. Hooray! Go have some ice cream.

So without further ado, here are some of my most favoritest finds for new mommies (and new babies):

1) Petunia Pickle Bottom Diaper Bag

Now, I do know that diaper bags can be a controversial topic, and technically you don’t need a fancy diaper bag for toting around a bunch of (literal and figurative) baby crap. I KNOW. But after years spent working in the Nordstrom infant department and watching all the ritzy mommies buying up these bags, I knew I had to have one. I added it to my registry not expecting to get it (because they aren’t cheap) and was pleasantly surprised when someone purchased it for my baby shower. Without her generosity, I’d be stuffing soiled onesies into a resusable shopping bag (which is totally OK too, FYI), but now I’m carrying around those poopy pants in style. Bonus: When I looked, Baby Cubby had some prints on sale.

What I like about this bag:
– The fold out changing pad, which detaches so you can wash it
– Lots ‘o pockets inside
– Long adjustable strap so you can wear it as a crossbody bag
– Detachable backpack straps, if you’re into that sort of thing
– Coated material is easy to wipe down and keep clean

2) Britax Be-Safe Car Seat

Choosing a car seat is a huge challenge because it seems like they range in price from $5 to $3,000 and obviously you want your kid to be safe, but you don’t want to like, have to take out a second mortgage to afford one, right?

When I was car seat shopping, I just went with the one the store recommended because I was wayyyy too overwhelmed to do anything else. But now two kids later I’m actually quite pleased with that choice and would make it again, and I know for a fact that my more research-savvy mom friends have picked this same brand after doing extensive comparing and contrasting that I never bothered with. So we’ll call this one a “happy accident” (kinda like Liam was) and say I went with the right choice by mistake. Score!

3) Ergobaby Four Position 360 Carrier

I’ve read 3,000 word blog posts on the pros and cons of every kind of baby carrier (truly, my life is riveting) but in the end, I had to just buy a bunch and use them for myself to know which one I liked best. I love a good Moby wrap but I find that they’re only good for the newborn stage, and once your baby gets curious about his/her surroundings you need to step up to the next level – enter ErgoBaby 360.

I don’t actually have one of these yet, but I have borrowed it enough from various friends and family members to know that I need one before I have this next baby. One of my favorite features is that it can be used for front-inward or front-outward, and TRUST ME, it’s worth splurging that extra $20 or whatever to get the 360. Because as beautiful and amazing as your chest is, your baby will reach a point when he/she just wants to look at the world, and having the front-facing option is awesome. I have another brand of front facing carrier that does not have that bottom strap thing for back support, and believe me, you need the weight distribution. Especially if you wind up with a fat baby like I did.

4) Aden + Anais Silky Soft Bamboo Burpy Bib

Again, when it comes to burp cloths, you could certainly throw a stained old kitchen towel over your shoulder and call it a day, because these things are literally designed to mop up regurgitated breast milk. But so many things about being a mom are not glamorous, and I feel like we deserve nice things to help get us through endless days and sleepless nights with newborns. There is something about these simple burp cloths that just makes me happy. The whimsical pattern? Yes. The soft construction? Yes. The clever design that sits on your shoulder just-so? Absolutely. So while you could use an old yucky dish towel… don’t. Buy these, and pamper yourself a little, mama.

BONUS: Looks like these went through a redesign since I bought mine, and now they double as baby bibs too. Genius, I tell you.

5) Boon Lawn Counter Top Drying Rack 

Even though neither of my two kids are currently drinking bottles, this thing is still taking up residence on my kitchen counter because it’s so dang convenient – and it’s actually cute, too! I use it to dry sippy cups and Gyro bowls, and I’ll even drape silicone bibs on it sometimes. It’s easy to throw in the dishwasher to clean, but please don’t make the same mistake I did…put it on the top rack only. Did you know plastic grass can melt? Yeah…

6) Crane USA Drop Shape Cool Mist Humidifier

As the mom of a toddler who gets bloody noses alllll the freaking time, a humidifier is a must-have for sure. Unfortunately, ours broke beyond repair and is still sitting in Eric’s “Yeah, I’ll get right on fixing that” pile. Hence, I’m in the market for a new one. The design of this one is really nice and – BONUS! – it’s not broken. I love it already.

7) Aden + Anais Silky Soft Bamboo Swaddle Blankets

Unless you currently or have ever lived under a rock, you’ve probably heard of Aden + Anais swaddling blankets. Why are they the best? I don’t know, they just are. Swaddling is an art and these oversized and stretchy blankets seriously help you get the hang of it. My favorite thing about them is that they’re not super heavy, so even if you have a summer baby, you can still use them in the heat and not have to worry that your little baby burrito is literally cooking. Because that is important.

8) Fridababy Nose-Frida Nasal Aspirator

Whether they’re grossed out by it or not, I buy this for every new mom I know who doesn’t have one. NO, you don’t eat the boogies (there’s a filter). YES, it work 10,000 times better than those stupid sucky bulbs they give you in the hospital. MAYBE your kid won’t mind it (mine are 50/50 on whether this is a benign tool or some medieval instrument of torture). YES it will save your life when it’s 3AM and your baby is screaming because she can’t breathe and you just need to get the stupid snot out for the love of GOD.

9) Nuna Sena Mini Playard

Real talk: I keep one of these in the back of my car in case we ever have an emergency nap situation. When your baby is little, it’s ideal for traveling (even if you’re only venturing as far as your in-laws house) because baby naps can happen anywhere. When they get a little bigger, throw some toys in and voila! You have a baby cage. Now go pour yourself a hot cup of coffee and watch 30 minutes of Netflix.

10) Billy Bibs Lace Pacifier Clip

How can something simple like a pacifier clip change your life? Easy. Especially if you know what it’s like to fumble around in the dark underneath a crib looking for a lost pacifier and coming up with nothing but tumbleweeds of dog hair (true story).

This ingenious invention simply keeps those pacifiers – which everyone knows babies love to chuck across the room whenever they get the chance – firmly attached to their onesie, so they’ll never be lost again. The fact that they’re adorable and lacy is just a bonus.

 

Well, those are my top ten! Anything else I have to have for baby numero three? Let me know now!

 

 

**(A huge thanks to The Baby Cubby for sponsoring this post)

hey, remember me? I’m still here…

This time I’m not even going to bother accounting for apologizing for my lengthy absence. Where have I been? Not writing. Not motivated to write.

I alluded to my life slump in earlier posts and my post-quarter pre-mid life crisis which unfortunately is still going strong. The only thing I know beyond a shadow makes me happy is my children, and family in general, which is tricky because my absolute satisfaction with all of them only highlights how dissatisfied I am with everything else going on. Like, if every portion of my life made me as joyful and fulfilled as motherhood, then I’d be shooting sunbeams out my eyes and trailing glitter everywhere I went. But in reality, nothing else even comes close.

I’ve also been panicking over plans for the summer and beyond, childcare-wise. Remember how a few posts ago I was all, “Yeahhhh, no worries, it’ll all work out?” Well, that feeling has passed and super stressed out control freak Amanda has returned in force. WHAT are we going to do? HOW could this possibly work out? I’ve been feverishly prepping in the only way I can see this possibly working but even that is precarious at best and may not happen. I realize this all sounds very cloak and dagger but this is a public blog and for the moment I cannot say more. Maybe that’s part of the reason I’ve been gone from this space – I have a lot to say but cannot say it just yet. Hopefully soon.

The kids are great and the pregnancy is good, moving right along as baby Toast hits 17 weeks (turnip sized in produce analogies) today. I’ve been feeling tiny movements and of course that’s reassuring. I posted a while ago on Facebook about my big bloody scare and had every intention of posting a more detailed account later, but it just never happened. Long story short I woke up to a giant gush of blood and it was scary as hell, but it’s just a subchorionic hematoma that they’ll be monitoring but which shouldn’t really affect anything going forward. Other than that, not much except finding out the gender on 4/14 (I was going to wait but who am I kidding, I can’t wait) and frantically trying to figure out a realistic childcare solution for the not-so-distant fall.

We went skiing a couple of weeks ago, of course I didn’t get to ski, but it was a really good year for me to miss as temperatures stayed stubbornly below zero the entire time we were there. Molly did a fantastic job on skis this year especially compared to last and I have high hopes for enrolling her in the daycamp/ski school for pint-sized skiiers next year. It’s going to be freaking adorable.

I can’t remember if I told you guys that Molly named the baby already. At my urging, she started referring to him/her as “Emma” because that’s the girl name I really like and I was hoping hearing it in her adorable little voice would help sway Eric on the issue, as he is not convinced. My plan worked perfectly except for the part where she decided that if it’s a boy he will be named Byron… which is totally out of left field. It’s not a name she’s ever heard (that I know of) and Eric swears it’s not a coaching attempt on his part. Weirdly, it is a family name for him but again this is a deceased relative, not someone she’s met, so it’s super odd that she picked that name. I also don’t care for it so I’m kind of hoping it’s not a boy because everyone knows Molly gets her way on everything… probably on naming, too.

Liam is growing like a weed and talking up a storm, mostly gibberish but also plenty of discernible words. He definitely knows what we’re saying and follows directions surprisingly well. The kid literally eats more than I do – I’m talking full servings and often seconds at dinnertime and snack grazing throughout the entire day. If this keeps up, he will singlehandedly necessitate a weekly Sam’s Club trip once he hits teen years.

Speaking of eating… I do think it’s a girl a little because I want nothing but sugar and that’s exactly how I felt while pregnant with Molly (with Liam, it was more craving meat/protein). It’s kind of gross how much sugar I’ve been consuming lately and I’m considering a mini sugar detox to get myself together. Remember, I gained 70lbs with Molly and I have NO intention of doing that again.

I hate to ramble on and on just to have something to post, so I’ll cut it out now. Hopefully more to come soon.

Here are a couple snapshots from that ski trip:

cousin breakfast every morning

cousin breakfast every morning

on the bus to go skiing

on the bus to go skiing

happy Hardings at Smuggs

happy Hardings at Smuggs