burnt toast life

room for all of us

I’ll never forget a conversation I overheard once. Someone asked a mom if she was going to have more children and she replied that she would like to, but had decided against it simply because she didn’t have any more bedrooms in her house.

That’s insane.

Now that I’m pregnant with my third, I can’t tell you how many people ask me where the child will sleep. Our house was advertised as a 2-bedroom and we went to look at it anyway. I’m glad we did because it actually had 3 bedrooms (though not technically since that third “room” didn’t have a closet). As it stands, with Eric working from home full time and being the sort of person who needs an office/man cave/escape from screaming toddlers, we have two bedrooms – one master and one combo kid bedroom and playroom.

There is nowhere for this new baby to go. And yet… I know she’ll be just fine.

(Also, to answer the question, she’ll sleep in our room in a bassinet next to our bed as both my other newborns did. Then after some months go by… I don’t know, we’ll figure it out then).

I shared a room with my sister growing up. I don’t remember loving or hating it – that’s just how things were. My brother had a bedroom the size of a shoebox and I think I was just happy to have a space I could actually twirl around in, even if it was shared. There’s also something comforting about sharing a bedroom – especially at an age when you kind of think monsters might still exist.

I also remember how weird it was moving when I was 16 – we went from a 1,600 square foot cape cod with one bathroom to a 3,500 square foot McMansion. It was exciting, but lonely. For those first few months I definitely saw my family less and while that was appealing to the snarky teen in me… looking back, it really wasn’t that great. I missed my old house because I’m hostile to change and also because I missed the closeness. I’m sure the adults thought it was cramped and small but I never did.

In 2016, average American home size was up to 2,687 square feet – a huge increase from the 1973 average, which was 1,660 square feet. Also, unsurprisingly, the number of occupants per home has dwindled from 3.0 to 2.5 (yes, I researched all of this because I was curious. Huge nerd alert). I didn’t bother looking up older statistics but I’m fairly certain our great-great-grandparents shared rooms and even beds all the time – with entire families jammed into small spaces and not even complaining about it. Where did we get the idea that we need so much space to exist?

There are a lot of things I don’t like about my house – and actually, the lack of a playroom is one of them, because despite my minimalist daydreams, the toys are slowly but surely taking over every available inch of space. But one thing I do love is how I don’t even need a baby monitor because my kids’ room is a few feet from my own door and I can practically hear them breathing at night.

I remember freaking out over having the nursery ready for Molly, and knowing I was being ridiculous but still being so concerned about it. When I was pregnant with Liam, I did take the time to get ready and at least attempted to incorporate boy things but I was a lot more chill. This baby? Hmmm, the newborn clothes have been untouched for almost three years and are probably mouse eaten, the bassinet is completely disassembled, and all the other “baby stuff” is just sitting in a heap in the attic. It’s not that I don’t care about her or that I’m not excited… it’s that now for the third go-round, I know what matters.

I’ve become fond of saying babies need two things – boobies and warm hugs. Our sweet little girl won’t be able to see very well, but she’ll be able to feel all the love that’s waiting to welcome her. She definitely won’t notice that she doesn’t have her own room. At least… not for a few years.

That’s been on my mind lately. I stumbled upon the cutest toddler bunk beds that I definitely want to get for Liam & Molly once the baby is big enough to move into the big kid room. Coincidentally, it was one year ago today that I moved Molly into her big girl bed and Liam into the crib, so she wasn’t quite two… that’s exactly how old Liam will be when I need to move the baby in with them. I can’t imagine him being ready but then again it’s hard to overestimate the maturity difference between 1.5 and 2. I guess I forgot.

I hope everyone had a lovely Mother’s Day! Ours was low-key and spent with extended family… just how I like it. I wanted to go to the zoo with the kids but it was a weird weather day so we’re saving our fun family outing for another time. As I said on Facebook, coming home to a cleaned house Friday night was honestly the best gift I could have received. I keep telling Eric I’d rather have experience gifts than physical items (the experience of not house cleaning…?) and he came through for me, big time.

It’s going to sound cheesy but Mother’s Day is supposed to be about celebrating moms but all I can ever think about is how I’m just so happy to BE a mom at all. Everyone talks about giving mom a break but I don’t want a break… not even on Mother’s Day. I just want allllll the motherhood. Even the crappy parts. I know that’s super weird.

Have a lovely week, even if your house is small!

 

minimalism on my mind

desk-1081708_1920

This post has been ruminating in my head for so long that it actually feels silly to write about it now. It seems like old news.

As I’m prone to do, I caught on to the “new” trend towards minimalism a full five years after everyone else. OK, not quite, but basically.

A few things happened that made me move from “minimalism sounds sort of interesting” to “yes, I’m going to pursue this.”

  • I started following blogs and watching Netflix documentaries on the topic. Turns out it’s fairly addictive. The irony is now that I have so many thoughts churning, it’s actually stressing me out, which I realize is HIGHLY ironic because the whole movement is supposed to make you feel more calm and peaceful.
  • My makeup collection includes eyeshadow from ten years ago. Seriously. I don’t wear it (ew), but I hold onto it because hey, maybe my 6 months pregnant 30-something-year-old self WILL need bacterially questionable jet black eyeshadow for a night on the town one day soon. Also, it was expensive.
  • I just keep thinking of a funny story about my mother-in-law. For a really long time she had this gigantic collection of cookie tins lining a wall in her dining room, stacked up to the ceiling. She took them all down a few years ago when the room was being repainted and she had every intention of putting them back up but never did. Once they were down she saw it looked way better without them.

I feel like I have a similar relationship with my “stuff” – it’s there now and I’m used to it, but if I could just bring myself to box it all up and see how the room looked without it, I know I’d like it better.

  • Sometimes I get super jealous of my friends’ kids’ toy collections. I mean, some are truly staggering. Wall to wall bins of every imaginable plaything… kitchens with all the handcrafted wooden play food, bins upon bins of Barbies and action figures, train tracks and train tables and Legos, costume closets with adorable mini dresses and shoes, garages packed with scooters, basketball hoops, and Power Wheels, you name it. It makes my own collection feel truly inadequate.

But then I watch my kids playing. The other night they occupied themselves for several hours with some old birthday party decorations they found in a cabinet. Molly took a plain piece of string and invented a whole backstory and life of fun for her “snake” while Liam walked around gleefully with one of those colorful weights you use to hold down balloons. Meanwhile, I know for a fact that some of the friends who have mountains of toys have a hard time getting their kids to put down their iPads. So…

It all fits in nicely with some new research I’ve seen about preschools and kindergartens taking away toys for periods of time to force kids to use their imaginations again. Sure, it sounds extreme… but is it?

My kids definitely have toys and now that I’m reading all this stuff, apparently too many toys, but I think the point is that they play with what they have and the only person who sees what they have as inadequate is me. Then again, I might just be adopting this mentality because I’m too cheap/poor to compete with the mega toy moms. Minimalism is the trendier and cheaper option.

  • One of my big holdups was always my husband, a collector. He likes to be surrounded by souvenirs and has a collection of graphic t-shirts large enough that he could avoid doing laundry for at least 3 months and never wear the same one twice. I knew he wouldn’t see the appeal of minimalizing with me, so I figured doing our house half-assed wasn’t worth doing at all.

But then one day this month without warning, he totally gutted his closet and made it into a minimalist’s dream. Space between hangers! Nothing extra at all! Oh AND he got his pile of crap off the dresser so now when I look with disdain at all the trinkets still left there, I only have myself to blame. Apparently, he is on board – at least for certain things. Who knew?

seriously, you should have seen it before

I grew up in a collector’s house. I won’t use the “H” word (ahem…hoarder), but let’s just say my parents don’t get rid of A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G and they buy A LOT of stuff.

This was really nice growing up because I was very spoiled and whenever you see those lists of toys that will make you nostalgic for your childhood, it’s guaranteed I will have owned 85-90% of them AND even better, could probably still find them with a few hours of digging in my parents’ basement.

True story: I wanted to take my old Dream Phone game on vacation last summer and wouldn’t you know, my mom totally found it in her basement. So you can see that the saving tendencies come in handy when a group of 30-somethings want to drink wine and relive their girlhood.

Despite genetics, I’ve always been more inclined to want less stuff/clutter and have been frantically picturing all the places where de-cluttering needs to happen in my house. I know what needs to get done – mentally, I’m there. But time wise I’m strapped. Besides working full-time during the day and being a mom from dinnertime to bedtime, the weekends are packed full and I never want to start a project I can’t finish or feel rushed doing it.

And I realize now that part of minimalism is actually finding more time in the day and clearing your calendar of all distractions… but it’s hard. All the things I’m doing are pretty fun and I’m sorry not sorry that I’ll never be willing to skip a birthday party so I can clean out my linen closet, no matter how badly I need to get rid of old towels.

As I’ve been cryptically hinting for months, I’m still working towards a solution that would give me more time to be at home and less time spent on the daily grind. Unfortunately, I’m no closer to solving that particular problem, though I know once I do I can fit more minimalist pursuits into my life.

I have tons more to say on the topic and I do want to document my “journey” once I finally get it the hell started, so who knows, maybe this will turn into a blog about going minimal. I’m sure that’s more riveting than long rambling posts about what my kids have been up to – or worse – not posting at all because I can’t figure out what to say.

I’ll never be that super awesome Insta photo with white walls and bare floors because, hello, this is real life. That level is beyond me. But I am working really hard on caring less about the stuff I don’t have and appreciating the stuff I do have. It all boils down to the fact that the stuff will never fill the void – only love can do that.

How about you? Are y’all a bunch of minimalists, or have I secretly-not-so-secretly envied your toy collections?

 

 

top 10 new baby must-haves, courtesy of a veteran mom

Now that I’m two kids wiser and currently incubating a third, some people may think that I know what I’m doing.

HA!

The truth is that I’m just as insecure and confused as everyone, but still that doesn’t stop me from handing out unsolicited advice whenever possible. So when the lovely folks over at The Baby Cubby approached me about potentially writing a post highlighting some of my favorite products for new & veteran moms alike, I was happy to oblige. Because while I haven’t quite figured out the “secret” to great parenting (though I’m inclined to think it has something to do with being a billionaire and having lots of live-in help), I have been able to determine which products get used regularly and which are sadly accumulating dust in my yard sale pile.

I had never heard of The Baby Cubby, but a little poking around on their site was all it took for me to give them two big thumbs up. This is for a couple of reasons. First, they carried all the products I knew I wanted to recommend anyway. And second, they had a curated collection of items rather than a smorgasbord of ABSOLUTELY ALL THE THINGS. Because as much as I love Amazon, it can be overwhelming shopping for carseats when your search turns up 10,000 results and you have not the time nor the energy to sort through them all (because kids, sleep, job, husband). With an online boutique focused on doing all that research for you and only offering the best of the best (and often price-matching with Amazon and free shipping over $49), you don’t need to spend hours combing through reviews. The work is done. Hooray! Go have some ice cream.

So without further ado, here are some of my most favoritest finds for new mommies (and new babies):

1) Petunia Pickle Bottom Diaper Bag

Now, I do know that diaper bags can be a controversial topic, and technically you don’t need a fancy diaper bag for toting around a bunch of (literal and figurative) baby crap. I KNOW. But after years spent working in the Nordstrom infant department and watching all the ritzy mommies buying up these bags, I knew I had to have one. I added it to my registry not expecting to get it (because they aren’t cheap) and was pleasantly surprised when someone purchased it for my baby shower. Without her generosity, I’d be stuffing soiled onesies into a resusable shopping bag (which is totally OK too, FYI), but now I’m carrying around those poopy pants in style. Bonus: When I looked, Baby Cubby had some prints on sale.

What I like about this bag:
– The fold out changing pad, which detaches so you can wash it
– Lots ‘o pockets inside
– Long adjustable strap so you can wear it as a crossbody bag
– Detachable backpack straps, if you’re into that sort of thing
– Coated material is easy to wipe down and keep clean

2) Britax Be-Safe Car Seat

Choosing a car seat is a huge challenge because it seems like they range in price from $5 to $3,000 and obviously you want your kid to be safe, but you don’t want to like, have to take out a second mortgage to afford one, right?

When I was car seat shopping, I just went with the one the store recommended because I was wayyyy too overwhelmed to do anything else. But now two kids later I’m actually quite pleased with that choice and would make it again, and I know for a fact that my more research-savvy mom friends have picked this same brand after doing extensive comparing and contrasting that I never bothered with. So we’ll call this one a “happy accident” (kinda like Liam was) and say I went with the right choice by mistake. Score!

3) Ergobaby Four Position 360 Carrier

I’ve read 3,000 word blog posts on the pros and cons of every kind of baby carrier (truly, my life is riveting) but in the end, I had to just buy a bunch and use them for myself to know which one I liked best. I love a good Moby wrap but I find that they’re only good for the newborn stage, and once your baby gets curious about his/her surroundings you need to step up to the next level – enter ErgoBaby 360.

I don’t actually have one of these yet, but I have borrowed it enough from various friends and family members to know that I need one before I have this next baby. One of my favorite features is that it can be used for front-inward or front-outward, and TRUST ME, it’s worth splurging that extra $20 or whatever to get the 360. Because as beautiful and amazing as your chest is, your baby will reach a point when he/she just wants to look at the world, and having the front-facing option is awesome. I have another brand of front facing carrier that does not have that bottom strap thing for back support, and believe me, you need the weight distribution. Especially if you wind up with a fat baby like I did.

4) Aden + Anais Silky Soft Bamboo Burpy Bib

Again, when it comes to burp cloths, you could certainly throw a stained old kitchen towel over your shoulder and call it a day, because these things are literally designed to mop up regurgitated breast milk. But so many things about being a mom are not glamorous, and I feel like we deserve nice things to help get us through endless days and sleepless nights with newborns. There is something about these simple burp cloths that just makes me happy. The whimsical pattern? Yes. The soft construction? Yes. The clever design that sits on your shoulder just-so? Absolutely. So while you could use an old yucky dish towel… don’t. Buy these, and pamper yourself a little, mama.

BONUS: Looks like these went through a redesign since I bought mine, and now they double as baby bibs too. Genius, I tell you.

5) Boon Lawn Counter Top Drying Rack 

Even though neither of my two kids are currently drinking bottles, this thing is still taking up residence on my kitchen counter because it’s so dang convenient – and it’s actually cute, too! I use it to dry sippy cups and Gyro bowls, and I’ll even drape silicone bibs on it sometimes. It’s easy to throw in the dishwasher to clean, but please don’t make the same mistake I did…put it on the top rack only. Did you know plastic grass can melt? Yeah…

6) Crane USA Drop Shape Cool Mist Humidifier

As the mom of a toddler who gets bloody noses alllll the freaking time, a humidifier is a must-have for sure. Unfortunately, ours broke beyond repair and is still sitting in Eric’s “Yeah, I’ll get right on fixing that” pile. Hence, I’m in the market for a new one. The design of this one is really nice and – BONUS! – it’s not broken. I love it already.

7) Aden + Anais Silky Soft Bamboo Swaddle Blankets

Unless you currently or have ever lived under a rock, you’ve probably heard of Aden + Anais swaddling blankets. Why are they the best? I don’t know, they just are. Swaddling is an art and these oversized and stretchy blankets seriously help you get the hang of it. My favorite thing about them is that they’re not super heavy, so even if you have a summer baby, you can still use them in the heat and not have to worry that your little baby burrito is literally cooking. Because that is important.

8) Fridababy Nose-Frida Nasal Aspirator

Whether they’re grossed out by it or not, I buy this for every new mom I know who doesn’t have one. NO, you don’t eat the boogies (there’s a filter). YES, it work 10,000 times better than those stupid sucky bulbs they give you in the hospital. MAYBE your kid won’t mind it (mine are 50/50 on whether this is a benign tool or some medieval instrument of torture). YES it will save your life when it’s 3AM and your baby is screaming because she can’t breathe and you just need to get the stupid snot out for the love of GOD.

9) Nuna Sena Mini Playard

Real talk: I keep one of these in the back of my car in case we ever have an emergency nap situation. When your baby is little, it’s ideal for traveling (even if you’re only venturing as far as your in-laws house) because baby naps can happen anywhere. When they get a little bigger, throw some toys in and voila! You have a baby cage. Now go pour yourself a hot cup of coffee and watch 30 minutes of Netflix.

10) Billy Bibs Lace Pacifier Clip

How can something simple like a pacifier clip change your life? Easy. Especially if you know what it’s like to fumble around in the dark underneath a crib looking for a lost pacifier and coming up with nothing but tumbleweeds of dog hair (true story).

This ingenious invention simply keeps those pacifiers – which everyone knows babies love to chuck across the room whenever they get the chance – firmly attached to their onesie, so they’ll never be lost again. The fact that they’re adorable and lacy is just a bonus.

 

Well, those are my top ten! Anything else I have to have for baby numero three? Let me know now!

 

 

**(A huge thanks to The Baby Cubby for sponsoring this post)

hey, remember me? I’m still here…

This time I’m not even going to bother accounting for apologizing for my lengthy absence. Where have I been? Not writing. Not motivated to write.

I alluded to my life slump in earlier posts and my post-quarter pre-mid life crisis which unfortunately is still going strong. The only thing I know beyond a shadow makes me happy is my children, and family in general, which is tricky because my absolute satisfaction with all of them only highlights how dissatisfied I am with everything else going on. Like, if every portion of my life made me as joyful and fulfilled as motherhood, then I’d be shooting sunbeams out my eyes and trailing glitter everywhere I went. But in reality, nothing else even comes close.

I’ve also been panicking over plans for the summer and beyond, childcare-wise. Remember how a few posts ago I was all, “Yeahhhh, no worries, it’ll all work out?” Well, that feeling has passed and super stressed out control freak Amanda has returned in force. WHAT are we going to do? HOW could this possibly work out? I’ve been feverishly prepping in the only way I can see this possibly working but even that is precarious at best and may not happen. I realize this all sounds very cloak and dagger but this is a public blog and for the moment I cannot say more. Maybe that’s part of the reason I’ve been gone from this space – I have a lot to say but cannot say it just yet. Hopefully soon.

The kids are great and the pregnancy is good, moving right along as baby Toast hits 17 weeks (turnip sized in produce analogies) today. I’ve been feeling tiny movements and of course that’s reassuring. I posted a while ago on Facebook about my big bloody scare and had every intention of posting a more detailed account later, but it just never happened. Long story short I woke up to a giant gush of blood and it was scary as hell, but it’s just a subchorionic hematoma that they’ll be monitoring but which shouldn’t really affect anything going forward. Other than that, not much except finding out the gender on 4/14 (I was going to wait but who am I kidding, I can’t wait) and frantically trying to figure out a realistic childcare solution for the not-so-distant fall.

We went skiing a couple of weeks ago, of course I didn’t get to ski, but it was a really good year for me to miss as temperatures stayed stubbornly below zero the entire time we were there. Molly did a fantastic job on skis this year especially compared to last and I have high hopes for enrolling her in the daycamp/ski school for pint-sized skiiers next year. It’s going to be freaking adorable.

I can’t remember if I told you guys that Molly named the baby already. At my urging, she started referring to him/her as “Emma” because that’s the girl name I really like and I was hoping hearing it in her adorable little voice would help sway Eric on the issue, as he is not convinced. My plan worked perfectly except for the part where she decided that if it’s a boy he will be named Byron… which is totally out of left field. It’s not a name she’s ever heard (that I know of) and Eric swears it’s not a coaching attempt on his part. Weirdly, it is a family name for him but again this is a deceased relative, not someone she’s met, so it’s super odd that she picked that name. I also don’t care for it so I’m kind of hoping it’s not a boy because everyone knows Molly gets her way on everything… probably on naming, too.

Liam is growing like a weed and talking up a storm, mostly gibberish but also plenty of discernible words. He definitely knows what we’re saying and follows directions surprisingly well. The kid literally eats more than I do – I’m talking full servings and often seconds at dinnertime and snack grazing throughout the entire day. If this keeps up, he will singlehandedly necessitate a weekly Sam’s Club trip once he hits teen years.

Speaking of eating… I do think it’s a girl a little because I want nothing but sugar and that’s exactly how I felt while pregnant with Molly (with Liam, it was more craving meat/protein). It’s kind of gross how much sugar I’ve been consuming lately and I’m considering a mini sugar detox to get myself together. Remember, I gained 70lbs with Molly and I have NO intention of doing that again.

I hate to ramble on and on just to have something to post, so I’ll cut it out now. Hopefully more to come soon.

Here are a couple snapshots from that ski trip:

cousin breakfast every morning

cousin breakfast every morning

on the bus to go skiing

on the bus to go skiing

happy Hardings at Smuggs

happy Hardings at Smuggs

really soft leggings for less than $6

Let me just start off by making one thing clear: I am not, on principle, opposed to the MLM business model.

Some people have visceral, negative reactions to direct sales companies, and automatically resort to calling them “pyramid schemes.” Do I think some are more worthwhile than others? Yes. Do I see the value, especially for moms looking to make a few extra bucks, or even build a new career? Hell yes.

Will I go to your home party, politely eat the spinach dip and sip my wine, listen to the spiel, and even make a purchase if the presentation properly impresses me? Sure!

I’ve been to what feels like all of them: Pampered Chef, Tastefully Simple, ThirtyOne, Origami Owl, Mary Kay, Nerium, Lia Sophia, Silpada, Premier, Young Living, Norwex, Jamberry, Scentsy, Stella & Dot, Touchstone Crystal…ha, and those are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head! I bet there are even more I’m neglecting to mention.

Anyway, I’m all about supporting you and your direct sales business. But there’s one that I just can’t seem to wrap my head around.

Lu. La. Roe.

Maybe it’s just in my little corner of the country, but I feel like these wild print outfits are infiltrating my daily interactions and Facebook newsfeed (but hey, that could be because I hid everything remotely political, so all that’s left are sponsored posts and Tasty recipes). I can spot a LuLaRoe-r from across a crowded restaurant because she’s always the one proudly sporting neon pink banana print leggings with a polka dot tunic, or something to that effect.

Now, full disclosure: I do own 2 pairs of LLR leggings. When the phenomenon started blowing up a few months ago, I was intrigued and slightly awed by its swift and exponential growth. One minute I had never heard of the brand, and the next I was spotting those crazy outfits on every street corner and getting invited to online parties and open houses left and right. I admit, I got sucked in at first, and the leggings are really soft.

But they’re not actually too unique.

I think the genius of LuLaRoe is that they provide comfortable casual wear to women who have little time to shop. They also appeal to a variety of sizes, and they don’t degrade plus-sized women with sizing conventions that make them feel bad. Tall and Curvy has a much nicer ring than 2XL – seriously.

There’s also the limited edition print thing, which creates a frenzy over the very few awesome patterns they produce. On Poshmark I’ve seen really cute pairs of LLR leggings listed for $75+. Because in the strange world of LLR, most of the readily available prints are effing hideous (IMHO), and in order to get a “good one” you either have to get lucky or pay out the nose.

Anyway, I’m writing this post to let you in on a little secret, which I didn’t even discover myself but which I can’t resist sharing with the world. My SIL told me about it, and then I did a bit of independent research and found her information to be true and valid.

You can get LLR-esque leggings for $5.88. Seriously.

Have you ever heard of a store called Walmart?

I know, I was doubtful at first too. It sounded too good to be true. But after Google confirmed it with a few product reviews, and after I (begrudgingly) visited my local store and found a pair of my very own, I’m here to report that they aren’t identical but they are DAMN CLOSE. The hand feel is exactly the same… the only difference is that the No Boundaries waistband has a gathered elastic construction, whereas real LLR employs a flatter/smoother fit, which of course is better.

But $20 better? Nahhhhh.

lularoe comparison

Real LLR pictured left; Walmart NB Sueded pictured right

Part of my beef with LLR is the exorbitant prices for overseas manufactured polyester. Like, who do they think they are? Taken out of context, the prices would be laughable by most standards. Put that same unlined, poly blend imported dress on your local Target clothing rack with a $60 price tag, then see how many customers take the bait. I think in that situation they’d be saying, “Target, you lost your damn mind.”

For leggings in particular, I am willing to pay $25 for a good quality pair that I’ll wear all the time, but how many times per month are you seriously wearing fluorescent unicorn print leggings, hmmm? If you’re going to spend that much money on mere leggings, I recommend these (which, by the way, are made from recycled water bottles, Fair Trade produced, and comfy as hell).

Anyway. The LLR-feel-a-likes have a limited online selection but I was able to snag one pair (in a prettier print than anything I saw online) in my local Walmart retail location. And maybe after tons of requests, they will add more prints and colors. Obviously someone in product development knows damn well who they’re copying.

If you go on your own reconnaissance mission, make sure to look for the leggings that are $5.88, not the ones that are $3.88. My store had a plethora of the cheaper ones but one touch and you’ll know those aren’t the holy grail you’ve been seeking. Touch, feel, and purchase wisely.

Let me know how it goes. You’re welcome.

And to my LLR-selling ladies, no hard feelings. I’ll still come to the parties. That spinach dip is delicious.

my fancy bag

A million years ago (actually 7), I worked for a luxury handbag company. Maybe you’ve heard of them? They’re called Coach.

I’m slightly ashamed to admit that while I was there I succumbed to peer pressure, big time. I bought a whole lot of overpriced bags and shoes and gloves and keychains and leather accessories. I justified it with the popular, “but everyone else is doing it!” Also, I argued to my inner self, I worked really hard and deserved nice stuff.

It was all a big fat lie.

One thing about being a Coach employee is that it’s simply not good enough to buy the standard, off-the-shelf bags. Oh, no. Look closely and you’ll notice that certain obsessive customers and employees always go for the “Limited Edition, Special Release” bags, which cost more than double the price and have irresistible features such as snakeskin trim and price tags as high as a typical mortgage payment. It’s disgusting.

I’ll tell you that the discount at Coach is very, very generous, especially compared to other retail stores. But when you’re purchasing $1,000 bags on a regular basis, even a large discount isn’t enough to dull the hit your bank account will suffer.

While I was employed at Coach I was also in college with a $40,000/year tuition bill. I lived with my parents, so I wasn’t paying rent or utilities, but I still only worked part time for close to minimum wage (no, not commission) and spent all my money on aforementioned leather goods as well as clothes from nearby stores in the mall. Also, gourmet popcorn every night, because why the hell not. Despite my mounting debt, I somehow talked myself into a $750 travel bag (I rarely travel), a $300 wallet, (seriously?), $200 sunglasses (um, yeah…), and the piece de resistance – a $900 fancy work bag. For my future fancy work life.

Now, a few things. I fell deeply in love with the bag and I do believe that investing in quality over quantity is always a better option. And while it would probably take me many, many years to spend $900 on cheap imitation handbags, I think if I had purchased the bag and loved the hell out of it and used it every day for the past seven years then maybe, just MAYBE I could justify the cost. Possibly.

But as it stands I purchased the bag for my someday-life, which brings me to the point of this whole post.

When I bought it, I did use it occasionally, but my real purpose/justification was in using it one day when I was a career gal with a high-paying job and a corner office. I’m not sure why any of this featured in my daydreams since I’m a mediocre, unambitious worker at best who has no desire or drive to climb the corporate ladder. If it was a rare, slightly unappetizing proposition then, now it’s just a wild fantasy/nightmare. I don’t want any of that, and I never did. Even when I bought the bag, I didn’t want any of that. These days? My wallet is my phone case, I don’t even carry a handbag, and my diaper bag is some canvas sack I grabbed off the free table at work. I do not have and will never have a fancy life.

I’ve thought a lot about my past visions for my future vs. eventual realities of how everything actually worked out. I’ve been bitching a lot to my friends and family about how I’m having a midlife crisis. So maybe it’s pre-midlife, but post-quarter life. I’m just having some kind of crisis. I’m feeling very unfulfilled and stuck and I don’t know what to do about it.

This new job I have is really great and probably the best I can do right now in terms of full-time jobs… but. There’s a but. I can’t help but wonder what the Point of It all is. I feel grateful to have a job that pays me, but I feel guilty leaving my kids for the bulk of my day every single day. I know that I’m working to provide for them, and there is so much merit in that, but I’m missing out on their amazing little lives in order to write marketing copy for businesses. We have such a short time on this Earth. Is this really how I’m supposed to be spending mine?

I keep seeking out a sign and coming up empty. I’ve also been trying to formulate exactly what I’d want if this were a perfect world where money were no object and I could do or be anything. What would I be and do?

Here’s what I’ve figured out so far…

  • I wouldn’t be a stay at home mom, at least not 100% of the time. Even after weekends of 24/7 kid time I feel totally drained. I don’t know how full-time SAHMs do it.
  • I would be writing things. Maybe from home, freelance, per-project. But I’d be getting paid.
  • I would take small trips with other adults (husband?) to recharge my batteries and step away from being “just mommy” all the damn time.
  • I would align myself with more people who shared my beliefs. Because right now I’m feeling exhausted and combative with all the negativity against what I believe, which yes, I take personally.

I think the irony to all of this is that I got the fancy, expensive education to advance my career. I got the fancy, expensive bag for that eventual career. But in the end, the only reason I am forced to participate in the career is BECAUSE of the education. Had I skipped college, I wouldn’t have to work full time, because I wouldn’t be paying $1,000+/month for student loans. Not that I could have known that then… but wow. And that’s on me. Obviously. I am not saying anyone but me should have to (literally) pay for this gross miscalculation…however, I do reserve the right to complain about it because venting helps me feel better. I think.

And the whole thing is just silly. Because I learned nothing in college that actually helps me in my current (non-fancy) career, or in any career for that matter. All of my skills either come naturally or through on-the-job training. But of course no one would have hired me without that $100,000 piece of paper. It’s all such a racket.

Well, this is a depressing post, isn’t it? I have no idea what the solution is… all I know at this moment is that I’m (mentally and physically) exhausted, disillusioned, and restless. I feel guilty for complaining but also justified in wanting more, which is tricky. I think about my fancy bag all the time and everything it represents… how naive I was at 24. How reckless I was with money when I should have been cautious. How much I let movies/television/pop culture influence my vision of how life would be when I was an “adult.”

And honestly I would just sell the stupid thing on Poshmark, taking a loss but making a few extra bucks for groceries or diapers or something else disgustingly practical that I need in my unfancy real life, but a part of me is still holding on to the fantasy that maybe, one day, it will make sense for me. I still think it’s pretty.

And because I know you’re curious now…

the bag that launched 1,000 existential crises ()

the bag that launched 1,000 existential crises (source.)

…and a happy new year

It’s been forever. I’m blaming technology.

Or should I say, lack thereof. I had to turn in my work laptop which was functioning as my personal laptop for the past two years. No computer = no blog posts. Eric has been valiantly trying to resurrect my old, dead HP but it’s probably a lost cause. Meanwhile, at my new job I’m on the list to get a laptop but I’m not first in line, meaning I’ll have a few months of using this sad excuse for my lack of consistent posting.

When we last left off… it was forever ago. In the interim between then and now, Christmas happened, New Year’s happened, I started my new job and things are moving right along. I have to say it’s pretty weird to once again be a functioning member of the workforce. While technically no time lapsed between my last day worked at Rodale my first day with Altitude (besides the holidays), I had been laid off six weeks prior and let’s just say things had become verrrrrry lax in December. It was really great for things like coming in late due to oil change appointments and leaving early basically every day after taking two hour lunches, but now that I’m once again expected to be in the office and working 40 hours per week, it’s a real shock to the system.

The funny thing is I don’t even miss getting paid to do “nothing.” Having no tasks and no future with the company made me bored and irritated, and as hard as it is adjusting to busyness, it feels good to once again feel like I’m contributing something. Like, if I’m going to haul my ass out of bed at 6AM, shower, dress, drop my kids off, and drive 40 minutes, it might as well be for something of value to someone. I’m very pleased so far with my new company and everyone has been over-the-top welcoming and kind. Really, my only complaint is that I need a laptop so I can blog.

On the baby front, I have my first ultrasound tomorrow. Eep! I truly have no symptoms, besides random waves of nausea that last for no longer than 15 minutes at a time. I am positively dreading telling my new employer that I’m preggo and I don’t know why. I think they will react well – besides asking the obvious question, “Are you intending to come back, or do you have an untapped trust fund which would allow you to put three kids in daycare?”

The truth is I don’t know and I didn’t plan that far ahead. It’s weird for me because I’m a planner, and a control freak, and not planning is the antithesis of everything I stand for. I guess in my mind having this baby (and the others) is way too important and since the problem had no solution, I pushed forward despite it being a crazy idea. At first I stayed calm and believed a solution would just appear. Now as things progress, I’m starting to panic a little. I still have a lot of time… but we all know time flies when you’re having fun.

My sister is having her baby in July and as of then (if not before) she will not be watching my brood anymore. I called earlier this week to price out daycare and promptly threw up in my mouth. Whyyyyy is it so expensive, whyyyyy? I think at this point, the ideal situation would be to find someone reputable who operated an in-home daycare that was accepting more children. Or, to send them to my daycare of choice (which in the grand scheme of daycares, isn’t even that expensive, but still way more than what I’ve been paying all this time) on a part-time basis and somehow finagle our schedules to only have them in 25 hours per week (which would save us something like $300/month). A final option would be to find someone to come to the house, but I can’t imagine a person like that would be cheaper than daycare. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

As for what happens post-September… I’m not even going to think about that right now. One day at a freaking time. In other news, if you know Mary Poppins or anyone similar, please let me know. I’m in the market.

The kids are doing well for the most part. Liam has a cold this week and in typical male fashion is just being super dramatic about it. He just wants to be held and rocked while he moans and complains, which is fine by me to some extent. He’s now walking if not running full time, still getting into everything, and starting to dabble in speaking by mimicking our tones and inflections when he babbles. If we’re in the car and I say, “Liam?” he’ll always respond with,“Mmm?” It’s super cute.

Molly went from absolutely dead-set against potty training to 90% trained in a matter of 4 days. That’s just proof that I needed to be patient and wait until she was ready. Sometimes she wakes up dry, sometimes not, but as for during the day she rarely has accidents and was VERY excited to pick out a new potty seat to go on the big potty last weekend.

Other than that, not much, just trying to survive the bitter cold temps and constantly broken down furnace. I am tackling a Whole30 this month despite being in my first trimester, which I know is pretty ambitious. The Whole30 is completely safe to do while pregnant and I’m eating plenty, don’t worry. My main goal is to feel better, function better, sleep better, and also put off how long it takes me to show so I can delay telling my employer for as long as possible. Which I realize is totally ridiculous since I swear I already have a bump. Dammit.

Ok, wish me luck on that U/S tomorrow! The thing I want most (besides seeing a good strong heartbeat) is to finally be taken off the PIO injections. She’s had me doing oral + injections for 2 weeks as an overlap so I didn’t have a sudden drop in progesterone, but I am anxiously awaiting the day I can stop injections in my poor, sore, lumpy back.

Pray for me, friends.

A girl went in for a routine medical procedure. One week later? You won’t BELIEVE what happened next.

Sorry not sorry for the headline. I am so horrified yet fascinated by clickbait that I had to try it out for myself.

You may be wondering how this morning went.

I had a dream I was taking a pregnancy test. As I always do, I peed, then set the test next to me on the sink face down until I was mentally ready to face the results. That moment stretched on and on. Finally, I stood, and just as I was about to turn it over…

My alarm went off.

Then I remembered I got to do it for real, today.

So I went through all that same steps in actual life, only this time I stood at the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. I was shaky and nervous. I want this, I don’t want this. I do want this. Of course I want this.

I flipped the test over.

It was positive.

That’s right, we are four for four on embryo transfers, though to be fair only 5 of the 6 embryos we attempted to implant stuck. I’m so glad to report that lucky number six was one of the sticky ones.

Today was significant because I looked back over my timeline and realized that I always do the HPT on 6dp5dt. (For the non-infertility vets: that’s home pregnancy test on six days past five day transfer). So I knew I had to take the test today for luck or superstition or just because I was sick of waiting.

I have a blood test Thursday, but then I’m not sure what happens after that because I assume the office is closed on Christmas Eve, so I won’t get to know about doubling betas and all that good stuff. We’ve been faithfully doing the injections but my progesterone levels were low last week so I had to increase my dosage from 1mL to 1.5mL daily. As far as symptoms… same as last time. Some cramping/tugging/pulling sensations all weekend that could have been the literal feeling of implantation or my overactive imagination. Interestingly, I’ve been getting up in the middle of the night to pee these past few nights, which is something I never do unless I’m pregnant or hungover. Again, could be my subconscious waking me up, or the anxiety over what the answer would be.

I’ve spent the last few days doing fun things like Googling pregnancy complications from multiple c-sections, and queries such as “How many c-sections are you allowed to have, anyway?” (As one woman on a message board enthusiastically reported, the answer is 9 or more, at least for her, which made me cringe). I’m not too thrilled about having another but I don’t have a choice in the matter. Also, funny how I’m worrying about this when I’m only about 5 minutes pregnant. Anything could happen between now and then, even if I have been avoiding gluten so well.

I became obsessed with the idea of the embryo implanting in the c-section scar, which is a very scary thing that can happen but doesn’t happen often. Not that there’s anything I can do to prevent it anyway, and worrying gets me nowhere. Still, I worry. And lately it’s been worry over the very real problem of my kids needing their mother and what if I die and on and on… you should get inside my head sometimes. It’s quite a place.

Next up… I don’t even know. Blood test I guess, then go from there. Eric was not at all surprised I was pregnant but I kind of was. We are due for a negative and I figured this one would be it. (Not that it works like that. Obviously).

You know the drill… prayers are appreciated as we wait and hope for this little one to burrow deep and grow. I will do my very best to keep you posted on happenings. If all goes well, by the end of August 2017 we will have three kids under 4. Phew.

I hope you all have a beautiful Christmas!

I’m pregnant. AHHHHHH!

round four review

Maybe I just have a lot of significant dates in my life, but it’s oddly creepy how they keep aligning with current life events.

I woke up this morning to the sad reminder that today is the four year anniversary of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. I will always remember that date because it happened on the exact same day that Eric and I began our IVF journey at New Hope. I remember sitting in the waiting room watching the news coverage, feeling helpless and awful and terribly self-absorbed to be worrying so much about my own problems.

Of course, I didn’t remember that today was the anniversary, or that the embryo transfer was happening so close to that date. Yesterday I went in to work normal time, left the office around 10:45, had the procedure, laid flat on my back for one hour, got up, got dressed, and was back at my desk by 1:30. I made the joke to some friends that I was probably – but not definitely – the only person in the building using her lunch break to get pregnant. And then, yes, I joined my coworkers for after-work drinks because why the hell not. Did I partake in a glass of red wine? Maybe. (Yes).

So I’m PUPO. That’s always been one of my favorite acronyms. Dr. L said the embryo thawed perfectly and looked to be of really good quality, so that’s a relief. I’m staggering around from the soreness of the PIO injections…it’s been a few years, I forgot how much those buggers hurt! But it’s all worth it in the end of course. If I can restrain myself, I’m going to wait to test until Tuesday morning. I went back through my timeline to see when I got BFPs with the other 3, and it looks like one week post transfer. I can live with that.

Part of me is optimistic over the fact that so far I’m 3 for 3 on FETs, while another part is nagging that I can’t possibly have a 100% success rate and I’m due for a failure one of these times. At least I know I did everything I possibly could. I gave up gluten two weeks ago and stayed strong, even as the delicious appetizers at happy hour were being waved under my nose.

On the job front, some news: I got one! I actually had two offers, which was exhilarating and honestly a bit of an ego boost. I have never been a great advocate for myself and suck at negotiating, so having those two offers really helped boost my confidence and gave me the courage to ask for what I want. I am really excited about this new role (I start on 1/3) and hope they won’t be too pissed if I’m pregnant. All of the people I talked to seem really nice and accommodating, so I’m betting on they won’t mind too much.

Not too much else going on! I mean, new job and potential pregnancy, plus Christmas craziness is enough excitement for one month, I suppose. The kids are great, we went to see Santa last week and Molly was obsessed with him. She told him what she wants (an Elsa and Anna doll) which is thankfully the same thing she’s been asking for consistently for the past two months, and I have it on good authority that the exact dolls she asked for will land under our tree on Christmas Eve. Liam was terrified of Mr. Claus but I loved every minute of it. The crying Santa photos are always my favorite.

This was the Awesome Santa I mentioned before, where the spots sold out in 3 seconds and we got put on a wait list. I hate to admit it, but he was well worth the hype. The best Santa I’ve ever seen and great with the kids. I’m in love with our photos.

All right, I’ll be back in a week with a pee stick pic! Gross, right?

In the meantime, some Santa photos for those of you who don’t follow me on social media:

best of friends

best of friends

santa-036

santa-016

santa-031

santa-034

the good with the bad

This is a hard post to write, literally and figuratively.

So much has happened over the past few weeks that I feel exhausted just thinking about getting it all out of my brain and onto my blog. Big things – both good and bad – are going on right now, and the longer I wait, the more that happens. So I’m just going to dive right in and finally update this thing with the news of right now.

The first big (bad) thing that happened is that I lost my job. I know… it’s truly awful! You’ll remember that I’m working at my dream company, a place that I actively targeted for five years before finally breaching the seemingly impenetrable walls of the fortress.

This comes as no surprise, however. I started at Rodale as part of the e-commerce team, retail being a new endeavor that they were hoping to grow but which sadly had to be pared down and restructured for a multitude of reasons I won’t bore you with here. Long story short, almost my entire team got laid off (except for 3 survivors who now face the daunting task of doing the work of 12 people), so you know, nothing personal. I’ve never lost a job before so this whole experience has been very enlightening.

One nice thing is that the company gave us six week’s notice, and I am still employed until 12/30. Coming in to work the day after the big announcement was definitely awkward, but as days passed we all just got used to it. It’s not uncommon now to pass by a coworker’s screen and see a draft of her resume blatantly displayed, or overhear conversations about job interviews and LinkedIn connections. It’s all at once funny, sad, and weird.

Mostly I’ll miss the people I’ve been working with every day for the last two years. I always miss the people most of all! We have such a great group of ladies who are all so talented, and while I’d love to believe we’ll stay in touch, the reality is that it’s unlikely. It’s scenarios like this that force me to admit how useful social media can be.

Anyway, I’m remaining surprisingly upbeat despite this setback. Maybe it’s naiveté and maybe it’s just optimism, but something in me is convinced I won’t remain unemployed for long. I had one interview yesterday and have another Monday (for an internal role), and I have a couple other prospects I’m waiting to hear from. I truly believe something will work out for me.

As for the other thing… the baby thing… no, I’m not putting that on hold, even though I probably should. For one thing, I’m about to lose my infertility coverage (unless I get that internal gig) and for another, I’m not going to start planning my life around work. I like working, but I’m never going to be a ladder-climbing career gal, if you know what I mean. Motherhood comes first, work second. I have no idea how this will all play out and I learned long ago that my best-laid plans can all be dashed in an instant. So… it may be crazy… but the transfer is still happening this month.

Part of me is thinking it’s dumb to be posting this on a public personal blog. But again – whatever! If a potential employer somehow sees this and decides not to hire me based on my desire to have more children, then I’m glad to know that up front. Because my intention is to have more kids and there’s no company in existence that would change my mind on that.

I just started my daily Estradiol and my PIO shots are in the mail and should arrive today – yay. I’m picking up the cryo tank from my new fertility clinic Thursday night and heading into Manhattan (with a good friend chauffeuring) early Friday AM. One nice thing about being laid off is that things have become super lax as far as hours are concerned, and literally no one cares about me leaving early or coming in late (hours before were super flexible – now it’s a total free-for-all). I’m very nervous about this whole ‘picking up the embryos’ thing going smoothly. The new clinic required 12 pages of legalese signed, initialed, and witnessed just for me to think about bringing the embryos in the door. Checking them out from NYC only requires a one page form, but it does need to be notorized (to-do list addition: find a notary). I’ve been going nuts trying to coordinate and plan all the bits and pieces of this event, from forms to weekly monitoring appointments and everything in between. I will definitely feel a lot more relaxed on Friday afternoon when embryos are safely where they need to be at the new clinic. I’ll feel even more relaxed mid-month when one of those embryos is all the way where it needs to be – a.k.a., my uterus.

What else? Oh no big deal, it’s December and I haven’t started Christmas shopping, plus did I mention I’m unemployed? We have something going on every night this week, I’m supposed to be relaxing and mentally preparing for this embryo transfer, ALSO I’m frantically job hunting, and we need to put up and decorate the tree, and take Christmas photos, and mail out cards, and continue with the little details of daily life… ahhh! It’s enough to drive any sane person absolutely bananas.

And as if that wasn’t enough, we had a birthday brunch for Liam last Sunday on the day of his first birthday (which I had to plan, shop for, cook for, and clean for). Yes, my son is ONE! What! The party was just for immediate family, but even then the guest list included 15 adults and 13 children who all crammed into my tiny house. It was crowded, noisy, and lovely, and Liam definitely enjoyed himself and smashed his cake in his own good time (5 minutes after everyone stopped taking videos and wandered out of the kitchen).

He’s been getting much better at walking and can do the mummy-esque shuffle across the length of a room. He falls a lot, but gets right back up, and you should see how proud he is of himself. I can’t believe how big he’s getting. I can’t believe how much I’ve forgotten to write down. Oh, the poor, neglected second child.

That’s really it for now. If you could all say a few prayers for me I would truly appreciate it – that the embryo moving day goes smoothly, that the embryo transfer works (looking like right around 12/13 or 12/14, and hopefully I’ll post again before then but with my track record I’m not making any promises), that I find a job, that I find space to relax and breathe, and that I don’t lose my ever-loving mind in the meantime. Thanks, friends.

Here are some party pics of my big man:

he kept the hat on for approx 4 seconds

he kept the hat on for approx 4 seconds

he knows how old he is

he knows how old he is

yay - cake!

yay – cake!

cake = smashed

cake = smashed

need a ride?

need a ride?