burnt toast life

Jul 06

very VBAC

Jul 06

It must be your lucky week, because you’ll be hearing from me TWICE! Oh yeahhhh! (yes, the gender reveal is tomorrow, and clearly I’ll be writing a post about it).

But today I’m thinking less about pink vs. blue and more about logistics. Namely… VBAC.

For those of you not familiar, VBAC is the fun acronym used to describe a “vaginal birth after c-section.” Assuming everything continues to go well, I fully intend to attempt this. There are several reasons why:

-I really, really want to experience childbirth. The entirety of my birth plan for Molly was “not a c-section.” Obviously, that didn’t go to plan. But for good reason.
-I am the eldest of 5 children, and I was actually a c-section. All 4 of the others were not. So my mom really set the precedent for VBAC success for me.
-My doctor said I was a good candidate for it. Everything about Molly’s labor was going fantastically (until it wasn’t). Good transitions, nice wide pelvis, etc, etc.
-The risk of uterine rupture (the first thing I picture when I think of complications) is less than 1% with a low-transverse uterine incision.
-Shorter recovery time.
-I’ll immediately get to bond with my baby, not get a quick peek at him/her and then have to wait an hour to actually hold him/her.
-If all goes to plan, this will not be my last pregnancy. And the more c-sections you have, the less likely you are to have a successful VBAC.
-My chance of having another placental abruption is only minimally increased since I’ve already had one.
-If anything goes wrong, I know a c-section is still an option. I trust my OB/GYN and was impressed with how well everything was handled with my first delivery.

I’ve been researching this extensively every since I found out I was pregnant. I feel like the Dr. Internet has been overwhelmingly supportive of VBACs, and like most sites I’ve been on have been trying to talk me into it, not out of it. Obviously that’s not why I’m doing it – the biggest reason is because my doctor herself was so supportive – but it did feel good to see that most people were pro-VBAC, dispelling myths and whatnot.

I think the thing giving me pause is that the births will only be 17 months apart, and all of the literature I’ve seen recommends waiting 18 months before attempting a VBAC. Now, is 1 month realllly going to make a huge difference? I doubt it. But I wish I wasn’t on the borderline like that. My sister and I are 5 years apart (plus, my mom had me at 21. So I’m pretty sure her body bounced back a lot quicker than mine did).

And I’ll be even more disappointed if this does end up a c-section because everyone says scheduled sections are much easier than unscheduled. But still, it’s worth the gamble to me.

Any insight? Even if you have a horror story, please share. Like I said, the internet is full of encouragement, and I know there must be another side to it…

Jun 29

a birthday party to remember

Jun 29

As expected, Molly’s party was wet, rainy, and cold. There were both high points and low points of the day:

THE GOOD
-Everyone who said they were coming actually showed up.
-Parents dressed their children in sweatshirts, rain coats, and rain boots and allowed them to play on the playground, regardless of the crummy weather. The kids loved it.
-There was the perfect amount of food – didn’t run out, and didn’t have many leftovers at all.
-Everyone seemed to stay in good spirits despite the dreary atmosphere.
-Did I mention this whole day was celebrating my beautiful daughter, who I waited so long to have, and who brings me indescribable joy on a daily basis? How can I really complain?

THE BAD
-Molly was NOT PLEASED with the whole concept of cake smashing. She cried and screamed as though we were holding her over a bed of hot coals rather than offering her a pink frosted mountain of sugar and goodness. It made for cute photos, but was rather anti-climatic as far as cake smashes go. Isn’t that supposed to be the highlight of the 1-year-old’s birthday party?

-We had planned on spending the entire day hanging out, socializing, playing corn hole and ladder golf and enjoying the company of our nearest and dearest. As the day wore on and the temperature plummeted, people started leaving left and right. We wrapped up the party just as the heavier rain started… about 2.5 hours after it started. Lames-ville.

THE UGLY
-After throwing all of our soggy party supplies into the back of my van and speeding off, we frantically unloaded in the downpour. My kitchen became a lake. All of us were chilled to the bone. It took about three hours to clean up/dry off. So not what I had in mind.

Ah, well. At least it’s over and I don’t have to stress about it anymore (though I am feeling resentful of today’s perfectly sunny, 80 degree weather. NOT. FAIR.). Molly got a whole bunch of lovely gifts, but none pulled at my heartstrings so much as this book:

Oh. my. goodness. This came from a dear friend who also bought me Wherever You Are: My Love Will Find You for my baby shower, which is sad in it’s own right and which I still cannot make it through without getting a little misty eyed (First line, first page: “I wanted you more than you’ll ever know…”)

But this book. YOU GUYS.

Eric read it first and I asked if it was going to make me cry (knowing that this friend picks out books like that, perhaps on purpose) and he was like, “Oh, yeah. You’re gonna cry.” I didn’t even make it past the cover flap. For real! For anyone who has gone through infertility, this is a must-read. And if you haven’t gone through it, then buy it for a friend who has. Because it’s fun to make people cry.

That’s all for me, for now. Countdown to gender reveal = 8 days! Chinese gender predictor says GIRL. Any guesses?

Jun 25

and just like that, she turned one

Jun 25

I’ve spent the better part of the week obsessing over something I have 100% no control over – the weather. Looks like a massive rainstorm is poised to hit the entire east coast this weekend. Oh, and we’re throwing Molly a first birthday party. Outside. In a park.

It’s not all bad. We do have a pavilion… it’s just a rather small pavilion. So let’s just say everyone who shows up will get rather cozy with one another. I caught myself saying this morning, “This is the worst thing that could have possibly happened!” That’s when I realized – no. The worst thing would have been if I never got to have Molly, so there wouldn’t be a birthday party at all. Sometimes I need a little perspective.

Between making shopping lists and obsessing over weather.com, I never got to post on her actual birthday, which is what I meant to do. I did jot down some thoughts but just never got around to publishing them. Eric and I both took off work on Tuesday, her actual birthday, and spent a lovely day swimming at my in-laws and just enjoying the company of our daughter. I made her a cake from scratch and we sang to her. It was nice.

Below I’m going to share a letter I wrote to her in honor of her first birthday. Then, for those of you who haven’t already seen these on Facebook, I’m going to share some of the photos from her 1 year photo session (which was also outside, but not in the rain). Rain or shine, I truly am blessed to have this child in my life.

My dear Molly,

I can’t say that you made me a mommy. Your sisters who came before, now waiting for us in heaven, get credit for that. All my little embryos do. But you were the one who I got to hold. You’re the one who made me understand what that being a mommy really meant.

Before you were born I used to talk to you all the time. I was so excited to meet you! I’d be driving home from work and I’d just keep telling you how much I wanted to know you and you’d kick inside my belly like you knew what I was saying. I didn’t like being pregnant as much as I thought I would – mostly because I was impatient and just wanted to know you. What did you look like? What was your personality? The 9 month mystery was just too much for me.

I’ve already written so much about the day you were born, and I won’t say it all again now. You were late – you must have been so warm and cozy in there that you didn’t want to come out. I didn’t get to hold you right away but I did see you and hear you. So tiny, my little girl! But still healthy and strong. You were so much better than I could have imagined.

Molly, this year has been so different than every year that came before it. It’s almost as if I can’t remember a time before you existed – you have filled the spaces in our lives so completely that imagining life without you is basically impossible. We waited so long for you. Every tear I cried, every dark night I had, every doubt that plagued my worried mind has disappeared completely since you came into the world. Now every moment leading up to you makes sense because it brought us more than we could have dared to hope for. You were so, so worth the wait.

I love everything about you, all the little things and all the big things too. I love your smile and your laugh. I love how you don’t crawl, but instead scoot all around on your butt. How you clap when you’re happy and touch your cheek when you’re sad. How you kick your feet when you’re excited and tense them up and yell when you’re mad. The way you eat everything, all the time – and throw it on the ground and watch the puppies eat it when you’re all done. The way you tip your head back to drink from your sippy cup like a little gerbil. I love how you curl onto your side to fall asleep and how the first thing I hear every morning in your happy stream of babble through the baby monitor. I love how excited you get when I’m filling up the bath tub – you hold onto the edge and watch the water fill because you can’t wait to get in and splash around.

You’re so smart, little one. You’re so good at stacking blocks and rings and you love to read books together. You especially love the big book about babies and when we go through together and find all the different parts of the body (your favorite one is “mouth”). You know what “no” means (even though you don’t always listen). And it goes without saying that you’re the cutest baby I’ve ever seen! Even strangers at the store stop to tell me how cute you are. Everyone who knows you loves you. Everyone who doesn’t know you wishes that they did.

You’ve spent one year on this earth teaching us so much. I used to dream about what you would be like – but never in a million years could I have conjured you, and just how special and amazing you actually are.

I love you, peanut. I can’t wait for next year, and next year, and the year after that as I find out even more wonderful things about you. I’m so proud to be your mommy.

Jun 16

one week to one

Jun 16

My aunt yelled at me because I didn’t mention my five year anniversary in my last post. Oops! All in all it was a good day – we both stayed home from work and hosted a yard sale at our house, and actually sold a whole bunch of crap. It was so successful that we plan on having another in July (another yard sale – not another anniversary). Then that night we went to Wendy’s for dinner – not just the drive-thru, mind you, but dined in the restaurant as a family. Yes, so romantic. I don’t ever let Molly (or myself, for that matter) have fast food, so as you can imagine she was in chicken nugget heaven on this rare occasion. We only went because we were on our way to an indoor football game, which is how we closed out the evening. I was really expecting a lavish vacation or a romantic stay at a B&B for 5 years – but hey, a yard sale, Wendy’s dinner date, and football game turned out to be not bad at all.

Other than that, things are just kind of chugging along. I’m still pregnant. Still feeling little flickers of movement and still getting a little rounder each day. A friend of mine posted that her timeshare was available in October and asked if anyone was interested. As I’m sitting there googling flight prices and trying to think how I’m going to convince Eric to go, I had a sudden realization – October. Third trimester. Hello, I’m not going to be allowed on a plane! I literally forgot I was pregnant for a second. That’s something that never, ever happened with Molly.

In one week, my baby girl turns one! Ahhhh!!! One year ago today – 2 days shy of my due date – I was enormously fat and pregnant and hot and miserable. Today I am still kind of fat and definitely pregnant but not miserable. And sometimes I don’t even know I’m pregnant. It’s amazing the difference a year can make.

I just submitted a post to Scary Mommy (even though I have a love/hate relationship with the site in general, I figured it would be fun to be published there. They have over a million readers…and they pay $100 per post). I really hope it’s accepted. It’s all about my guilt over not finishing Molly’s baby book. I know, so ridiculous, right? I’m a writer and I can’t even do it. And she’s my first child! What the heck is wrong with me?

oh, hang on, I know I have a heart-shaped photo around here somewhere…

I am really going to try to work on it this weekend because my plan was to have it displayed at her birthday party. The most annoying thing – besides finding photos to fit in the weirdly shaped spaces allotted – is trying to remember when things started happening. Molly says Mama/Mommy and Dada/Daddy, but most of all she says, “I DID IT!” She says that all the time. And that’s why baby books exist, right? Because as much as this is part of her identity now, in 5 years I probably won’t remember that every other second she was exclaiming “I DID IT!” and “I DID THAT!” or intentionally dropping toys and saying, “UT!” (no uh-oh. Just ut!).

But when I go back and read old posts, it’s clear how much she has changed already. Like how there was once a time where I fretted over self-feeding and how she didn’t really have the hang of it. HA!! Now the girl could demolish a Porterhouse steak, and I probably wouldn’t even need to cut it. No teeth and all. She is the queen of self-feeding.

So yeah, baby book. I think I’m going to go through all my old photos/videos on my phone to determine when things took place since they are conveniently sorted by date (thanks, iPhone). I do have months 1-5 filled in at least. The photos are going to be the real challenge since the spaces provided are so specific and strange. I want to order a whole bunch to display at her party but I’m waiting to see if the photographer gets her one year photo session proofs done before I do that.

And for this next kid I’m not even attempting the guilt-inducing baby book. I recently discovered (too late for Molly but not too late for lil’ crouton) that there are apps where you input photos and milestones, then order a pre-made book once your baby hits a year. Genius, right? And so much easier than putting pen to paper. I’m definitely going that route for this and subsequent children. If I remember. Eeesh.

Jun 03

ah, yes, I remember this

Jun 03

Ugh, it’s so hard to blog when there’s nothing dramatic going on. A Facebook follower just “poked” me and asked how it was going, and only then did I realize it’s been far too long since I sent an update. I’m sorry.

The little crouton is doing well, or so I would imagine. I have another ultrasound on Thursday afternoon to check progress. But something pretty cool happened yesterday – I was sitting through a particularly long meeting, and while sitting still for a prolonged period of time, I felt my first twinges of fetal movement. I remember with Molly I didn’t feel it until late – 18 weeks. But they say second time moms feel it sooner, probably because they know what it feels like. It was pretty cool. I felt it a little today, too, and I have to say that part is still pretty amazing.

In other news… it’s June… and my (other) baby is turning one in just a few weeks. Can you freaking believe it? I’m not saying it flew by, because it really didn’t – I’m just amazed at what a big girl she’s getting to be. She’s a pro at feeding herself and eats basically anything we eat – steak, potatoes, veggies, you name it. Scrambled eggs are still her favorite thing, along with yogurt, hot dogs, watermelon, pizza, and bananas. She’s still not walking, and not even pulling up to standing, but she can get halfway up. If you help her out, she’s very good at holding onto something and standing, and you can tell she’s very proud of herself when she’s doing it.

We’re at a point now where I don’t think she will ever crawl – but she is proficient at getting around by tucking her leg under herself and scooting around on her butt. She’s gotten pretty quick about it – turn your back for one second and she’ll be 2 rooms away in the kitchen, alternately dropping pieces dog food into their water bowl and eating it (true story).

Speaking of which – she’s finally getting teeth! Her front two cut through and are slowly making their descent. Which is good, because I was seriously starting to worry she’d need baby dentures. Which sounds funny in theory but is probably quite expensive.

Eric’s sister had a baby boy over the weekend and we went to visit him in the hospital. 1) Holy shit, you forget how tiny newborns are. Molly looked like a monster next to him. 2) Molly was NOT PLEASED that mommy was holding a new baby. I was just thinking… uh oh. She whined at me and tried to push him away, and you could tell she was very jealous. She is in a clingier phase right now in general, but all in all it didn’t bode well for November. Ah, well.

The only other semi-interesting thing going on is that we finally bit the bullet and cancelled our cable. I’m the type of person who HATES when televisions are on but no one is watching. Drives me insane. So I think my favorite thing so far has been that when we aren’t actively watching something, there is no perpetual television sound droning in the background. We have Hulu Plus, Netflix, Amazon Prime, Sling, and HBO Go. I mean… I don’t know why we didn’t do this sooner. I don’t even like TV that much and I actually grew up without it – we just had a television and VCR and watched awesome movies, like anything Disney, all the classic Rodgers and Hammerstein musicals, and pretty much any other early 90s kid appropriate movie you can think of. I can still recite Homeward Bound, Mrs. Doubtfire, and plenty of others. I may not have a clue when people start reminiscing about 90s sitcoms (no, I’ve never seen an episode of Blossom. Ever.) but I still don’t feel like I missed out. You know what I did? I read books. And played outside. It wasn’t so bad.

So that’s what’s up. June is getting pretty busy – already we have birthday parties, a wedding, and then Molly’s big party on the 27th. Gah, I’m so excited. I promise you’ll get an obnoxiously extensive picture post for that one. Oh and we scheduled the level 2 ultrasound (GENDER SCAN!) for July 7th. Can’t wait!

May 20

the second one is so different

May 20

I’m feeling very guilty about this pregnancy in general.

It’s inevitable, isn’t it? There’s so much fuss and fanfare with the first, especially when that first is preceded by so much loss, hope, and heartbreak. Every single moment of my pregnancy with Molly felt like a miracle. I walked around in a constant state of awe and gratitude. And to some extent, this pregnancy is even more miraculous – I mean, against all odds, against any expectation or inkling or dream I dared to dream, it happened. So I’m trying to figure out why it’s just not the same.

Someone recently requested new bump photos be added to the “bump” on this blog… how awful is it that I didn’t even think to do that? I will eventually. My belly popped out at like 7 weeks and not much has changed since then. I look like I’m 13 weeks, but I have for many weeks leading up to actual 13 weeks. As of today I am 13 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

I just remember being so freaked out over setting up Molly’s nursery – thinking about it even before I hit the midway mark. For this one my sister-in-law has been eagerly texting me with nursery sets listed for sale, as I think, “Crib? Yeah, I guess we’ll get a crib…”

I’m trying to figure out if this calmness is because I (sort of… kind of…maybe) know what I’m doing this time around and know what to expect, or if it’s just because it was such a shock that I’m not believing it’s really going to happen. For example, the crib – Molly slept in her bassinet for the first few months, as I’m sure this one will too. So realistically I don’t have to buckle down and worry about a crib until next year. Plus, my sister has an old one she’s willing to give me. As for the rest of the furniture… the nursery is already set up, and if it’s a girl, we are really set to go because I have a bajillion clothes in my attic (though they’re all the wrong season – grr).

We have a 3 bedroom house but one is set up as Eric’s office/man cave and I just don’t see where else to put all that stuff. So for now, the babies will be sharing the room. I’m anxious to see if he goes apeshit crazy if it is a boy and decides to throw all his office paraphernalia in the basement to build his son the ultimate boy room… time will tell. My gut is still saying girl. Girl or boy, the walls of the nursery are green, and I guess we can swap out the pink lace curtains if the revelation of a son does not properly motivate my husband.

I went for a sequential screen at the Perinatal Center today even though I didn’t opt to have one with Molly. It’s something that they push at my OB/GYN office and let’s be honest – I’m a sucker for extra ultrasounds. Everything for baby measured right on track and no issues to report. I don’t know if they all just look alike at this stage but my goodness, one look at the photo and it felt like deja vu. Like, hang on a sec… I’ve had this baby before.

Molly on top, new baby on bottom:

twinsies!

I hung the photo up at my desk and I’ve been catching a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye and smiling all day. The further along I get, the more “real” it’s becoming. It may not be the same as my last pregnancy, but it’s incredibly special… in a different way.

May 08

weekend update

May 08

Apologies in advance to Facebook and Insta friends who will probably find these photos redundant.

It’s been a bit of a whirlwind week. Last Saturday, Molly, my MIL, and I accompanied Eric to a conference in Washington DC as a bit of a summer kick-off mini vacay. We could not have asked for better weather, and the hotel/convention center we stayed in was positively gorgeous. It was nice to take a little break and recharge the batteries.

On Sunday we all got to hang out since the conference didn’t kick off until the evening. We took a ferry ride over to Downtown Alexandria and walked around. Molly loved the boat.

Monday Eric was stuck conferencing all day, so my MIL and I (along with Eric’s colleague’s wife and their daughter) headed to the National Zoo in DC. Molly was such a trooper, even with being stuck in her stroller all day – thank the Lord she doesn’t mind napping in there. Her favorite part of the day BY FAR was riding the carousel.

Tuesday we went downtown to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History (did you know they have the Hope Diamond?) and then walked and walked for many hours and miles to see a few of the monuments/historical points of interest. The highlight of the day was finding amaaaaazing gluten-free pizza that’s worth a return trip all by itself.

Our last day was Wednesday – my birthday – and truly it was underwhelming. Welcome to 31, right? We had a huge and delicious breakfast, checked out of the hotel, drove the 4 hours home, and then just kind of sat around. I’m not sure what I was expecting… I guess I’ve reached a point where a birthday is just another day. But at least I wasn’t at work.

Today I had another ultrasound – all looks good, heart rate 176. Since everything went well at my morning appointment, we did make it Facebook official with this photo –

One thing really annoying that happened this weekend? KATE MIDDLETON STOLE MY GIRL’S NAME. I seriously had my heart set on Charlotte and when I heard it was a contender for her, my stomach sank, because I knew that’s the one they would choose. This is a name I fell in love with way back in 2013 when I was pregnant the first time! In other words… long before it became a princess name. Blah. And before you say, “Just use it anyway,” know that I’m dead set on not choosing any top 50 names (and come on, the popularity of Charlotte is about to explode), but I also don’t want anything too out of left field. That’s a task that’s a lot harder than it sounds! Oh, and I’d prefer to stay away from names that end in a “y” sound, because I don’t want it to be too matchy-matchy with Molly. So it’s a tough decision all around.

First world problems, right?

Any name suggestions, send them along! I know Eric wants a boy (and we have a boy name), but my gut is telling me that it’s a girl.

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

Apr 20

weekend update: Lilly for Target, house hunting, and finding out I’m actually (internet) famous

Apr 20

Howdy, y’all!

Sorry, I suddenly feel the need to talk more Southern now because… Lilly Pulitzer for Target? Have you guys heard about this craziness?

For all those of you living under a rock (hee hee), the Lilly Pulitzer for Target collection debuted on Sunday, and the lines outside rivaled (or surpassed) Black Friday. Racks cleared in minutes. Items up on eBay for 4 times the price the same day. It was nuts.

the line (or as some said, the yoga pants convention)

I’ll be honest: I’m not into LP. I like bright, fun summer colors and prints, and I’ve seen some stuff that’s cute, but by no means am I a brand follower. I was talking to my sister-in-law Saturday night and she mentioned that she was heading to our local Target at 6:30am to stand in line for this event. I thought that was a little nuts… but at the same time, I was intrigued, simply because I get super anxious/frantic over bargains and also things that other people are passionate about. As much as I would love to turn up my nose and sneer that I don’t care and it’s all pointless (which let’s be honest, it is)… I started getting a little excited and told her I was going to join in.

Molly for Lilly: worth the trip

I went with the intention of getting flip flops, and I did. One bonus of being pregnant at the moment is that I knew none of the summer clothes would fit anyway, and Lord only knows what size I’ll be next year. So, I did manage to duck underneath the mass of clamboring women and grab the flip flops I wanted, plus score a sun hat and a really cute dress and hat for Molly. I grabbed a straw bag just because I could, then stood there for like 20 minutes debating it even though I knew I didn’t REALLY want it, I just wanted it because everyone else wanted it. I kept saying to myself, “Pretend you are alone and no one else wants this bag and Lilly Pulitzer is a mere figment of the imagination. Are you buying the bag?” The answer, of course, was no and I did finally put it back (well, actually, I handed it to the amped up woman standing next to me who saw me gesture towards the empty rack and asked in a loud voice, “DO YOU NOT WANT THE BAG?” before eagerly snatching it up for herself. I’m telling you – this whole thing was just absurd.)

Anyway. So then Sunday we went to look for a house even though we’re totally not ready to buy a house. I can’t remember if I’ve blogged about this before – I compose all these posts in my head and can never keep track of which ones actually make it to publish status and which ones stay trapped in my imagination forever.

Here’s the reality: if there was some profession where I could just look at houses day in and day out and somehow make money doing it, I swear I’d be a millionaire (and don’t say realtor, because I don’t want to sell them or deal with people… I just want to LOOK at them). I am obsessed with looking at houses. Obsessed. Some people spend all of their free time on Facebook… I spend mine on realtor.com. It’s by far the most used app on my phone. At any given moment, I could recite the specs, list prices, and quirks of every single house for sale in my town without having to think about it.

I’m not sure why this is. It might actually be related to the whole Lilly Pulitzer bandwagon thing – I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on a bargain. But more than that I just love house hunting. In elementary school I used to check floor plan books out of the library – all the time – and read them for fun, dreaming of my future home. I was an odd child.

The truth is, our current house is in our desired town, but it’s on the way outskirts and it’s not in our desired school district. We got it for a really good price and I have every confidence that we will make a profit on the sale, especially with the upgrades we’ve done. When we bought it, there were multiple offers and it sold in 3 days flat. That just proves to me that we underpaid, and if anything, the market has gotten better since then. But there’s that pesky school district problem and Molly’s just getting older…. I don’t know. In a perfect world we would send her to private school, but I’m not sure we’ll be able to afford that. Unless they invent the “looking at houses” career, in which case I will be making more money than I know how to spend.

We’re friends with our realtor and he’s very well acquainted with my particular type of crazy, so he took us to see the house despite the fact that 1) ours isn’t on the market and is nowhere near ready to go on the market and 2) it was clearly overpriced. We arrived at the showing and there was another couple there looking at it… and during the showing (during which the homeowner followed us around and was offended when I asked if there was hardwood under the carpet, probably because there wasn’t) no fewer than 3 more couples showed up. It made me feel that familiar anxiety over wanting to get something everyone else wanted even though I didn’t even want the thing that much.

The three of us (Eric, our realtor, and me) eventually declared the house “janky” and left it to the rest of those couples to battle out. I have no doubt they’ll have multiple offers in no time. It was very telling, though. Everyone wants that school district and 4 bedrooms. When we really do find “the one,” we need to be better prepared to act quickly.

So then later on I got a really awesome message from an old friend. I’ll relay it below.

I mean, how freaking cool is that? I’m an internet sensation! (Haha, hardly). But truly, this is why I do this. Because if I can inspire and offer hope to just one person – just one – then it’s totally worth putting it all out there and potentially making a fool of myself.

Hope you’re all having a fantastic Monday. If anyone else has any Lilly for Target stories, please share, so I don’t feel like the only materialistic psychopath around here. :)

Apr 15

almost 9 weeks (but lookin’ more like 19)

Apr 15

Sorry for the silence lately. I’ve been suffering from this common blogging affliction known as, “Nothing to talk about-itis.” My life is firmly entrenched in that routine known as get up – go to work – come home – eat dinner – crash into bed by 9.

The good news is that this boring monotony is interspersed by moments of amazingness with Molly. The other night I was watching her scoot around her room with unbridled glee and all I could think was, “Wow. I love her more than any mother has ever loved a child. Or at least I have to be in the top ten.”

Surely many mothers feel this way. But seriously. I love her SO MUCH, it’s ridiculous. To the point that I feel bad for the next one, because how could I possibly love another human being with that much intensity? Or actually… I feel bad for myself, because if my love grows by double when he or she comes along, surely I will explode.

Speaking of the next one…

Nothing much to report, other than the fact that I look legit pregnant. I’ve only told a few people at work but it’s at the point now where it’s pretty obvious, not that anyone would say anything because presumably I’m still working on losing the baby weight and I wasn’t all that thin to begin with. But really. I hope that they all secretly think I’m pregnant, because otherwise I just look like I’m reaaaaally letting myself go.

My next ultrasound on May 8th felt like eons away, so earlier today I called the nurse at my OB/GYN to request another one in between. Honestly, how they expect someone with a history of RPL to go 4 weeks between ultrasounds in the first trimester is beyond me. I can’t handle it. So next Friday they’re squeezing me in for a quick afternoon appointment, just so I can see that little heartbeat flicker and breathe a little easier.

In general this pregnancy feels drastically different than the last. First of all, there are no injections – just a daily OTC prenatal vitamin that – let’s be honest – I forget to take half the time. Mild nausea in the mornings. Food aversion to vegetables, which is so not me at all. I’ve been doing the gluten-free thing, and of course it’s pretty easy because I’m so used to it, but other than that none of this feels really real. If it weren’t for my ridiculously swollen abdomen, I wouldn’t think it was happening at all.

I broke out the doppler a few times to try to find the heartbeat, but so far no dice. I’m not really worried about it – it’s still so early and it’s not even like I have the top of the line model. I didn’t find Molly’s HB (or even try to) until after 12 weeks. But still. A little reassurance that this was still happening would be nice. (Hence the added ultrasound.)

The first week of May, Molly and I are tagging along on a business trip with Eric, just for the fun of it. Swanky $400/night hotel that we don’t have to pay for? Yes, please! I’m a little irritated because last year this same conference was in New Orleans (and he missed my 30th birthday, remember??!!) and this year it’s in Washington D.C. Lame, right? I mean, I live on the east coast and I’ve been to DC many, many times… it’s not as fun or intriguing as N’awlins would have been. But oh well. If the conference was in some far-flung city, we probably wouldn’t be able to justify my airfare anyway.

It will be nice to take a few days off, at least. Once again this trip coincides with my birthday, making this the 31st consecutive year that I HAVE NOT worked on my birthday. My goal is to keep the streak going for as long as possible.

Other than that, not much to report. Just feeling like I should at least check in every once in a while.

Apr 06

good news!

Apr 06

Nothing but good news today – we saw the heartbeat! Woo hoo!

I did feel slightly reassured last week, so I’m actually glad I had the beta draws. Otherwise I would have been a nervous wreck this morning (not to mention all weekend).

Eric came with me to the appointment this time. I seriously envy his calm. He told me several times that I should stop worrying because everything would be fine. And of course he bragged about being right when everything WAS fine.

As soon as the image popped up on the screen I saw the flicker. Little blobby is measuring 6w6d, so well within range (I’m 7w2d according to LMP). Heart rate was 138.

Now I don’t have another appointment until May 8th! So weird to just be a normal person.

I told myself that if today went well, then I did not need to worry anymore and everything would be OK. So I’m going with that. Did you hear me? I’m not afraid anymore!

Here is little one’s first photo op:

And in case you wanted to absolutely die from cuteness overload… here is a pic my sister snapped a couple weeks ago of Molly taking care of her baby doll.

I have a feeling she’s going to nail this whole big sister thing.

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