burnt toast life

still in the game

After a very tense 48 hours, the numbers are in: my beta number is still rising, and went from 44,000 on Tuesday to 58,000 on Thursday (also, I was told that after 10,000 they do not expect doubling betas, just significantly increasing. So I’m ok).

Last night was torture. I had three nightmares in a row about receiving bad news. I would have a nightmare, wake up, then fall asleep and plunge headfirst into a new nightmare. In one, I went in for an ultrasound and they sadly informed me that the baby was growing perfectly, but had no heart at all (and on the screen, I was more like 20 weeks along than 7). This is the twisted shit that comes out of my subconscious.

As I was lying there in bed last night, recovering from one of these nightmares, the perfect analogy for this pregnancy popped into my head. Please indulge me as I try to explain.

This pregnancy is like winning a free trip to Hawaii. Exciting, awesome, unexpected, and almost too good to be true. Like, I’m not sure I’ll actually believe it’s happening until the plane is touching down on the island. In fact, I barely remember filling out the entry form. How the hell did I end up winning?

The thing is, I’ve been to (hypothetical) Hawaii before – only for that trip I planned, and saved up, and tried multiple times to get there…I was overprepared, if anything. I tried so hard for so long to get there that a part of me realized I would get there eventually – somehow – even if it meant putting my ass in a leaky old boat and rowing thousands of miles.

So there it is. Hawaii. Somehow this whole analogy sounded a lot more brilliant last night at 3am. And I find myself really, really wanting to go back to Hawaii, especially now that I know how awesome it is, but at the same time I feel a little selfish because I have been there before. So if I never get to go again in my life… that would suck… but at least I got to do it that one time.

My follow-up ultrasound was scheduled for Tuesday but the nurse at my OB/GYN office (who knows me, my situation, and my propensity for panicking) offered to move it up to Monday. So now I just have two days to wait instead of three. Which is pretty great.

In other news, I have been feeling hella nauseated, mostly in the mornings, and the thought of coffee makes me so queasy. Coming from a 2-cup-a-day coffee junkie, this is reallllly weeeeeird. It’s like having an identity crisis. I cut back to one cup per day while pregnant with Molly, but only because I needed to limit my caffeine intake, not because I didn’t want to drink it. Not wanting coffee at all? No, this is not me. I’m hoping all of these things are good signs.

Obviously your prayers and good vibes are working, so keep them coming! Hopefully I will have some good, strong heartbeat news on Monday.

you’re not going to believe this…

Fewer than 24 hours until April Fool’s Day, but I promise this is no joke.

As of today, I am 6 weeks, 4 days pregnant.

Seriously.

No trying. No counting. No needles, no doctors, no betas, no PIO shots in the ass. Just a good old-fashioned roll in the hay and BAM! – it actually happened.

Believe me… never in a million years did I think this would be my life. I thought the whole “unexpectedly pregnant after infertility/adoption” thing was a complete urban legend. Ever notice how it’s always someone’s sister’s neighbor’s cousin once removed, and never anyone you know directly? I thought this was a story they told infertiles with the intention of providing hope, when really they were only pissing us off.

But then it happened to me.

And it is exciting, don’t get me wrong. I mean, at first there was an “Oh, shit!” moment because it was just so unexpected. Two babies in diapers, 17 months apart… 3 frozen embryos waiting patiently in NYC… it was just a lot to take in. I had this all planned out. Go for a transfer later this year, have a summer baby in 2016. Getting pregnant naturally? No, that definitely never crossed my mind.

So at first I was freaked out/surprised, then I was mildly irritated (not over being pregnant, more over the fact that everyone who ever said “you need to just relax” had some sort of validity to their statement), then I was complacent, then I started getting nervous/excited.

I found out when I took an HPT on March 16th (yes, it’s been very hard keeping this secret from you!). I took the test because 1) My period was three days late and 2) All my milk mysteriously dried up, totally out of nowhere. I called the OB/GYN the next day and they graciously decided to see me early, as in today, just based on my history of miscarriage.

Today kind of sucked, though it did go basically how I expected it to go. They detected a very blurry fetal pole that measured exactly 6 weeks 4 days, as it should. But they did not see a heartbeat. Now, my office has super old ultrasound equipment – nowhere near as advanced as the stuff they have at the RE or even at the hospital labs where I went for early ultrasounds with Molly. But still. Not seeing a heartbeat has plunged me back into Anxietyville. I did not miss feeling like this all the time.

It didn’t help that after the “maybe/maybe not” ultrasound, they decided to send me for blood testing today and again in 48 hours to confirm my levels are where they should be and rising. So apparently… they have concerns too. Though the (largely pregnant) ultrasound tech did assure me that not seeing a heartbeat right now was not necessarily bad news.

I have a repeat ultrasound in 1 week. At that appointment, they will know without a doubt whether or not this is a viable pregnancy. So until then, I will be over here quietly hyperventilating in the corner, thankyouverymuch.

Oh, and now for the creepy part. At the risk of totally oversharing (you read my blog, you should be used to this by now) – I can say with confidence that this baby was conceived exactly 2 years after the twins were implanted – TO THE DAY. What’s more, this follow-up ultrasound is scheduled for April 7th, 2015, and I had my “bad ultrasound” with the twins on April 8th, 2013. I swear if they had tried to make it for that day I would have said no. This whole thing is just eerie.

So… yay… I think? I don’t know. I have this hard knot of anxiety in my stomach. I feel guilty for not feeling elated from day one, though not to the point that I think it contributed in any way. It just sucks.

My mantra for the next week: “Worrying about something will never change the outcome.” Now if I could only believe it…

Prayers/thoughts/good vibes sent into the atmosphere are definitely appreciated. I will keep you all posted on new developments. Also – if I know you in real life, you can certainly talk about this with me, but please keep it quiet with others and on public forums. I am not sharing with the general public yet for obvious reasons.

9 months in/9 months out

Good day to you all!

It’s been pretty quiet on the blog front these days, has anyone else noticed that? I’ve had a bit of insomnia lately and have nothing to read as I’m lying there wide awake at 2am, which forces me to go deeper into the bowels of Pinterest than I ever wanted to go (some of the things people pin are just ridiculous). Come on, ladies, I need some late night entertainment!

Today my baby girl is 9 months old. I’m feeling so wistful and nostalgic lately it’s ridiculous. Physically, she looks a lot like she did last month – and even the month before – but that’s what happens when you see a person every day, you don’t notice the small changes that are happening right before your eyes. When I look through photos I see that she’s bigger. Her face looks more mature. She’s certainly reaching milestones left and right, and this mama could not possibly be more proud. Here’s what’s going on with Molly these days:

-She is a pro at self-feeding, and is so proud of herself when she does it
-She. loves. to. eat. Oh my goodness, the girl could eat a house, I swear! If we’re in the kitchen and I start preparing any kind of food, she starts making desperate moaning sounds as though she’s never seen food before in her life. I usually have to appease her with a pre-breakfast, lunch, or dinner snack to tide her over those 10 minutes until her actual meal is ready.
-She’s been doing this for a while now, but I just started noticing it because my sister pointed it out. She always puts her palm to her face to calm herself down if she’s cranky, hungry, tired, frustrated, or whatever. She also loves when Eric or I touch her face.
-She can scoot around the room on her butt with proficiency. She can also get up on all fours but has not actually begun crawling yet.
-She’s back to sleeping in her crib at night! Woo hoo! All it took was a little bit of lullaby music and a Twilight Turtle nightlight.
-Every night she goes to bed around 7:30. About two hours after, she wakes up – not hungry, just lonely. So I sit in her dark room and rock her for about 10 minutes and then she stays asleep until her next bottle at 2am. I love this time with her. The darkness in her room with the soothing lullabies in the background… her sleepy little self right up against me… usually she puts her hand on my chest. This is a little embarrassing, but more than once I’ve just sat there rocking and crying because I love her so much. (I think the music is partially to blame, it’s usually when a sad ode from a parent to a child comes on).

apparently this is comforting

apparently this is comforting

The biggest change this month is that my milk has completely dried up and we are now on formula 100% of the time. This is part of what makes me wistful. It happened very quickly and unexpectedly and I must say, I really miss nursing. I miss the bonding. It broke my heart that she was so confused the first time I gave her a bottle (she’s used to getting one, but not from me). She adjusted right away and of course she’s fine but it’s still weird to not be nursing. I had every intention of at least making it to 12 months but apparently the universe had other plans.

Speaking of which… not today, but next week… you’ll want to stay tuned to this blog. Tuesday-ish. If there’s one post you should read all year, it will be the post on Tuesday. Sorry that I cannot say more at this time.

Consider yourself notified.

mom status: official

mom status: official

What else? Ah yes, this weekend we went and bought a mini van. No… seriously. People may question this purchase, but honestly I was never thrilled with my Sportage and it was not hard to let it go. We always borrow other family member’s vans for camping, vacation, etc… it just makes sense to have, with two dogs and a baby and tons of stuff. As vans go, it’s pretty nice with the backup camera and built-in DVD players with wireless headsets and all that jazz. So that’s that. I’m a van mom.

Up next this weekend is my big trip to Boston. I’ve already been busy drafting lists upon list for Eric on the Care and Feeding of Molly Harding. It’s funny because he is a very involved father and I would say he know 75% of her schedule and demands. But then there’s that other 25% I worry about…

Hope everyone is having a fantastic Monday. I’ll leave you with some photos from this morning.

9mos2

9mos1

9mos3

my 15 minutes of fame have arrived

It’s the moment you’ve all (some of you?) been waiting for! The officially official, will not mystersiously disappear without a trace, blog post with details of my big television debut!

Got all that?

Good!

Set your DVRs to record the Dr. Oz Show on Wednesday, March 18th at 1pm ET. If you do, you will see me, in a bright pink shirt that I have since dried and accidentally shrank, talking about how frustose malabsorption led to uncomfortable bloating in my life. I know – very intense stuff.

Honestly it feels like it all happened so long ago that my excitement about the whole experience has waned considerably. I probably could have written a whole long and exuberant post about it a month ago, but now I don’t even remember that well. It just feels like so much has happened since then. But anyway, here’s as much as I recall.

They sent a car to pick me up at 6am sharp. In the car – me, Molly, Eric, and my MIL. My mom planned to come meet us in the studio later. We hit tonssss of traffic on the way there and I had a few minor “celebrity moments” when people from the show kept calling my driver asking for my status.

IMG_4574Finally we arrived at the studio – almost exactly one hour late – and were ushered inside. At this point a lot of things happened at once. One thing that I still marvel over is the controlled chaos in TV world, and how each person knows their specific role. I was in my little private dressing room (which came equipped with a breakfast spread, couches, and a television that showed a live feed from the set) and people just kept coming in and coordinating what needed to be done. Hair. Makeup. Wardrobe. The producers stopped by to go over the questions and answers one more time. It was seriously crazy when I was sitting in the makeup chair at 9:50 and I said to the woman doing touch-ups, “So what time do I need to be up there?” and she casually replied, “10 o’clock.” No one was panicked. It all ran like a well-oiled machine. A very fast-moving, well-oiled machine.

Unfortunately, due to some miscommunication with email, I told my mom the wrong time to come and she ended up missing the whole thing. Wahhh, wahhh. Eric stayed back in the dressing room with Molly and watched me from the live feed. My MIL came up with me to the set and watched from the side.

Everyone asked me afterwards if I was nervous, and I can honestly say there was no time to be nervous. I don’t know if it was just because I got there so late or because that’s just how it is when you’re on TV, but it was seriously like one minute I was chilling in the dressing room and the next someone was pushing me onto the stage. It was over before I could even think about it – or be scared.

I thought standing in front of the live audience would make me nervous, kind of like public speaking in college. It didn’t – the lights were so bright (and HOT) and I was so focused on what was going on right in front of me that the audience may as well have been empty. The most awkward part that I wasn’t prepared for (and tell me if you notice it when you watch) – is that I didn’t know exactly where to stand or who to look at. The camera cut away a lot to the food, or the doctor who appeared with me, or to Dr. Oz, so hopefully it’s not too noticeable. OH! Another thing. I picked out this cute necklace to wear and it had these individual little pieces on it, and apparently one of the sections was flipped up the entire time. Look out for that, too.

All in all it went well and I’m glad I did it. My mom finally got to the set just in time to jump in for a photo with Dr. Oz (he’s very nice, though obviously I didn’t speak with him much). I’m still waiting for that photo to get emailed to me. Funny how leading up to the day I was getting emailed details and instructions practically every hour and once the segment taped it’s been radio silence. Oh, well.

On to more recent news… this past weekend was our annual family ski trip to Vermont, and it was seriously so much fun. My MIL graciously came along to mind the baby so I could learn how to ski – which was awesome! I’m a huge fan of skiing even though I am really terrible. All together between aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, we had something like 23 adults and 10 children. It was crazy, but in a fun way. I’m already looking forward to next year. I have been soooo good about not giving Molly sugar or anything like that but I let her have a taste of her first ice cream (Ben & Jerry’s) and her reaction was priceless. I think it’s safe to say we have an ice cream fiend on on our hands here.

And… yeah, that’s all for today. Happy Saint Patrick’s Day Eve, everyone. Don’t forget to set those DVRs and let me know what you all think!

IMG_4794

8 whole months

Hi there, friends.

I definitely meant to start making structured, organized month-by-month posts, but I failed. I feel like at this stage of the game it’s too late to start. I have been pretty good about at least posting something when she reaches a milestone, so there’s that.

On Monday, Miss Molly turned 8 months old. At first she seemed concerned…

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But then Daddy came in to make silly faces, so she cheered up!

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Not too many developmental achievements happened over the past 30 days. She is still scooting backwards, not crawling. One change is that she’s started babbling a lot more – lots of da, da, da, with a little wa, ba, ba thrown in. I don’t think she’s addressing Eric per se, but that never stops him from answering her “Da! Da! Daaaaaa!” several times an hour with a “What? What? Whaaaaat?”

At least she's a pro with (organic, gluten-free) cookies

At least she’s a pro with (organic, gluten-free) cookies

Let’s see… the kid seems to have a sweet tooth. I’m still spoon feeding her baby food (I know, tres passe), and her favorite one is a sickeningly sweet combo of pears and guava. I started introducing non-mushy food cut into baby-sized pieces, but I think I’ve ruined any potential for BLW success by starting out with traditional baby food. She thinks it’s fun to pick up the banana pieces and place them gently into her lap – doesn’t seem to understand the whole hand to mouth concept. Despite these setbacks, we shall persevere.

I’m genuinely sick of breastfeeding. Well, let me revise – I love breastfeeding, and have even occasionally gone sans-cover up in public. At this point, I just don’t care who sees. I think the entire Lehigh Valley has seen my breasts at one time or another. What I’m sick of is pumping. I was really close to calling it and just letting her have formula during the day when out of the blue, my sister said, “You know, I barely have to give her any formula bottles at all… you always give us plenty of breastmilk.” So… drats. Looks like me and Mr. Pump will keep having our twice daily dates after all.

Lately my absolute favorite thing has been my weekly grocery shopping trips with Molly. She gets a lot of attention no matter where we go – especially when she’s wearing her super cute pink hat – but for some reason, whenever we go to Wegmans I have multiple people stop me to say that she is, “literally, the cutest baby on Earth.” Random people. People with kids of their own, even! Last week a woman stopped me to say it, and said that her 8-year-old son was the one who spotted Molly, and said, “Look, mom, the cutest baby in the world is right over there in that cart.”

Yeah… I died a little.

So besides the fact that Molly is a mini-celebrity at Wegmans, I just love the atmosphere of being there. Wegmans is a great grocery store no matter how you slice it (and I’ve blogged about this before). I walk the aisles, sipping my coffee, picking out organic, beautiful meats and produce, while Molly sits there with her cart cover and her darling hat, swinging her legs, overjoyed at all the things to see and hear. We usually enjoy a leisurely 2 hour shopping trip together. Truly, it’s the highlight of my week.

I know I've posted this before... but I just can't stand the cuteness!

I know I’ve posted this before… but I just can’t stand the cuteness!

I’m not sure if many of you read my post about Mom Meet Mom, but it’s funny – not long after I posted, the founder of the site contacted me about potentially doing a PR push with my local news channels and newspapers to get the word out in my area. To which I said, of course! After what went down earlier this month (which I PROMISE I’ll be able to talk about very soon), I feel camera-ready. Or at least, more comfortable than I was before.

Coming up in March we have our annual family ski trip to Vermont, which is exciting but also a little scary (since I’ve never been on skis before). Then at the end of March I’m doing my girls weekend in Boston, without my baby, which is also exciting… but a little scary.

Other than that, not much to report. I’m just freezing my little tush off here in PA, with temps in the negatives and dreams of relentless summer heat. I’ve been feeling stir crazy lately – which is partially the reason for 2 hour+ grocery shopping runs – it’s finally at that point in winter where enough feels like enough. And based on Facebook posts from friends and overhearing random conversations, I’m not the only one who feels this way.

Speaking of summer – I’ve reached a bit of a milestone. I’m exactly 50 lbs down from where I was the day Molly was born. That means I’m within 10 lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight, but still about 25-30 away from my goal weight. Still – kind of crazy! Crazy that I lost FIFTY WHOLE POUNDS and still have so far to go, haha. I’ve been keeping up with going to the gym, and feel a swell of pride whenever someone there addresses me by name. I go enough that they know me there. That’s an accomplishment, for me at least.

Ok, that’s all for now. Happy Tuesday, everyone!

It's never too early to put on some lipstick

It’s never too early to put on some lipstick

jumping - always jumping

jumping – always jumping

Mom? Meet…Mom!

So I have this totally unoriginal problem that everyone basically probably has but I’m gonna blog about it anyway. I never claimed to be unique.

Now that I’m a mom, I find myself wanting to schedule play dates… not that Molly necessarily needs to be entertained, but more because I need to be entertained. I’ve fallen victim to that classic conundrum – many of my friends don’t have kids or do have kids and don’t have time, and I find myself yearning for a little adult friendship (yes, I’m aware that sounds creepy). I know there are other moms in my area who probably have the same issues, so I was thinking, wouldn’t it be FANTASTIC if there was a Match.com sort of situation, only 100% platonic, and used as a way for like-minded moms to meet other moms for potential wine and friendship?

Turns out, someone beat me to the punch.

I literally Googled “moms meet other moms” (because I’m cool like that) and found this website – Mom Meet Mom – which I think I read is just in beta phase right now. It’s exactly what I’m looking for (and was considering creating if it didn’t exist… but this way is a lot less work). I love it! The only problem is, it seems fairly new, so perhaps most people don’t know about it just yet. Hence, I doubt I’m really going to meet many other moms in my tiny little area of the country. So far I’ve only received one “friend request” from someone in Canada who appears to be selling something. There’s also a pretty cool-sounding mom who I friend requested who appears to be ignoring me? Like, wtf? But at least there’s hope.

How did you make new friends after becoming a mom? Or did your existing friendships magically stay the same despite the many demands of parenthood/exhaustion/going to bed at 9pm most nights?

I’m lucky enough to have the sort of friends who I can hang out with once every few months and feel like no time has passed. But in reality… time has passed. And sometimes I get bored on weekends. I used to be part of a book club, but it fell apart, which is very disappointing. I need something to keep my busy on the weekends. Some jogging buddies for warmer weather. A couple people to call when I’m sitting around being a lazy bum.

The site feels like online dating in a way – which is kind of funny because I created my profile while sitting right next to my husband! So illicit. I literally just signed up, so I’ll let y’all know how it goes, if it goes. I know. Please try to contain your excitement…

sick house weekend

Well, hello.

Sorry for the abrupt disappearance, especially after that last post, which you may or may not have noticed has since been mysteriously deleted since – OOPS! – I am totally a fame newbie, and as it turns out, it should have never been posted in the first place. I promise to post updates later (when I’m able).

Now… on to now.

Things have been busy. But they’ve also been slow. This is my least favorite part of winter, when I feel like I could go absolutely crazy from being stuck indoors. I like to go out at least once a day, even if “going out” is just running to the grocery store for a couple things or to Target to wander the aisles for a few hours. Luckily, my dear daughter feels the same way I do, and more than happily accompanies me on these little escapades. Eric likes to stay home unless he has to go somewhere, so usually on weekends Molly and I venture out together, leaving him to keep the dogs company and keep the laundry cycling while we’re out gallivanting.

This weekend was a little different. First, Molly was sick last week for the first time. I know! Wahhh, wahhh. My sister’s kids have had colds a couple of times since she’s been going there, and until now, Molly never so much as sneezed from being around them. Internally bragging, I patted myself on the back for all that breastfeeding and all that immunity I was surely passing along. But alas! Her wellness streak ended Monday. She was a snotty, red-eyed, achey, feverish, coughing, crying mess for three solid days. Wouldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. And she certainly inherited my flair for the dramatic, because beyond just not feeling well, she was SO overtly miserable about it. She wanted everyone to know just how terrible she felt, and expressed herself through intermittent bouts of whining, moaning, whimpering, screaming, and good ol’ fashioned crying. It was a fun time, let me tell you.

Finally, once we were past it (and yes, her little illness coincided with my “PRETTY BIG DEAL” of a trip last Tuesday, so that wasn’t cool), she passed it on to me and to Eric. So now it’s a sick house all around (super fun Valentine’s Day over here!). Tissues everywhere. Lots of moaning and groaning. Oh, and I didn’t leave the house ONCE this weekend. Like, didn’t even set foot outside the front door. Feeling poorly coupled with temperatures below zero meant that I just wasn’t motivated. And we basically have no food in the house, so by lunchtime today I was scraping the bottom of the proverbial pantry barrel, suggesting things like, “Canned cranberry sauce… and… tuna fish?” Plus, even though I do not work at a bank, we are afforded holidays like a bank, so we’re off for President’s Day. It’s now Monday and still like the weekend for me. But I can’t breathe, and there’s no food, so I don’t really know how much I’m enjoying it.

Things we’ve been doing since Friday night: napping. Sneezing. Sniffling. Eating. Watching TV. Napping again. Which sounds nice, and I guess it is, but as I believe I’ve mentioned, Molly is in a phase right now where she either needs to be held or be right next to me while she’s sleeping, otherwise she will not sleep. Which is all well and good, except when I want to get things done, which is usually. And trust me, I’ve tried pretending to nap with her only to sneak away once she’s good and asleep, and she rarely falls for it. It’s like she has some sort of radar. So I’ve been sleeping every day from 9-11 and 3-5. Not very conducive to housework.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about my baby’s first birthday party. And when I say thinking, I mean stressing. We have a fairly large back yard, and we’ve had parties here before, but having a party here would require a fair amount of clean-up. The remnants of the bathroom remodel were sort of just thrown back there in a pile, and as much as I’d love that motivation (PEOPLE ARE COMING OVER! CAN’T LOOK TOO WHITE TRASH-Y!) to get it taken care of, I’d also worry that we physically couldn’t do it in time. There’s also the matter of rain. If it were to pour, my tiny house could not accommodate half of the guests I plan to invite, much less the whole lot of them. It could be disastrous.

So I was looking into a local park that has pavilions, but there are all these rules and a rather large deposit required if you want to serve alcohol. Which I do want to. But then I think, what kind of person am I if I choose not to have a first birthday party at a place solely based on whether or not I’d be able to serve alcohol?

Sorry for the rambling. Any great ideas for first birthday party venues? I really do want it to be outside (since she was born at such a beautiful time of year), but with a back-up plan for rain. If you’d like to volunteer to help me clean up my back yard, that’s cool, too.

What else? Sorry, my head is foggy. I’m sure this post makes very little sense and is riddled with typos, but once a certain amount of time has passed I feel a sort of obligation to say something. I have plenty to say but no time to actually get the words from my head to the keyboard.

And now she’s fussing. Talk to you soon-ish.

letting go (a little bit)

I’m gonna skip the part where I apologize for the lengthy absence. You know the drill – work, baby, vacuuming endless piles of dog hair, sleep, etc, etc. I thought keeping up with my blog would be easy but as it turns out…not so easy.

But with drama looming on the horizon, I’m back! Ok, drama might be too strong a word. Let’s call it “growing.” Let’s call it “progress.”

Here’s what happened: I started planning a weekend visit with two friends who I only get to see maybe once a year, if that. One of these friends lives in Boston, which is a pretty cool city, so we decided to go visit her there. She is a fitness instructor (I mean, part-time, in addition to her full-time job, because she’s an animal!) and my other friend is really into working out too, so we decided it would be fun to take her class as part of our weekend. As a gym newbie, I’m a little scared, but it’s better than planning to just sit around sipping cocktails and eating bagels, right? (I mean, we’ll probably do that too, but at least it will somewhat balance out if we burn a bajillion calories beforehand).

The more we started throwing around the phrase “girl’s weekend,” the more I started to realize that the trip wouldn’t necessarily be kid-friendly. My initial daydreams about our get-together included a smiling, bouncy baby playing on the floor as everyone oohed and aahed. I pictured myself dropping her off with a little wave at the gym’s daycare while I took the crazy intense workout class. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this scenario was probably not realistic. My friends are both young professionals, and I’m doubting they want to be in bed by 7 like Molly does. Going to dinner and drinks at 5pm to accomodate her schedule? Probably not their idea of a great time.

After a few planning emails back and forth we decided that it was probably best that I not bring the baby. The gym where my friend teaches doesn’t even have a daycare, so if I did bring her, I wouldn’t be able to take the class – ostensibly the whole point of the trip. I panicked for a moment and considered cancelling. I’ve never, in her entire short life, spent a night apart from my baby girl! But then I took a deep breath, put on my big girl panties, and asked Eric if he could handle a weekend alone with Miss Molly. He answered with a very serious, “Well I am the girl’s father, aren’t I?”

Truth be told, I think this could be a very good thing. Molly is very clingy to me…but only when she knows I’m in the vicinity. That’s why Eric hisses “Don’t you dare walk by that door!” when he’s in the nursery rocking her to sleep. The moment she sees me, she goes into full-on meltdown mode until I pick her up. So… I think a weekend of bonding with daddy could be great for both of them. And you know what else? I think it could be great for ME.

The closest thing I have to equate this to is our morning routine. Molly usually wakes up around 5/5:30 but my alarm doesn’t go off until 6. Eric gets up at 5:30 and lets the dogs out, then comes back inside and makes his coffee, and then heads back into the bedroom to rescue me. By 5:45, Molly is usually singing/babbling to herself, idly kicking my arm, and shoving her fingers up my nose while I pretend I’m still sleeping. Every morning he picks her up and brings her out to the living room and for 15 glorious minutes, I sleep. I sleep the sleep of a mom who isn’t listening for her baby to cry, who isn’t bunching her pillow up tightly so it doesn’t suffocate the sleeping child next to her, who isn’t tensed up and ready to keep her huband (or dog or self) from rolling onto the aforementioned child who has decided that after midnight, she absolutely must be transferred into mommy and daddy’s bed (Her crib is acceptable between 7 and midnight, but after that, not so much). It’s not real sleep, or REM sleep, but it’s something. It’s “I can let go now” sleep.

I’m picturing a whole weekend of sleep like this, and of just…existing like this. Sure, I go to work every day, and technically that’s a “break” from being a mom, but at work I have to… work. Since I’ve had her, I haven’t had any significant amount of leisure time that didn’t involve my daughter. That’s mostly by design, because if I’m not at work, she is hands down my favorite person to hang out with. BUT, at the same time, it could be interesting/invigorating to have a whole weekend of just being Amanda again. And surely a happier Amanda, because it’s not the doom-and-gloom Amanda terrified that she’ll never get to be a mom. I’ll rest easy knowing that I get to be a mom again in 48 hours. What could be better?

I’m sure I’ll be worried, but at the same time, I’ll know she’s in capable hands. I’m very lucky that Eric knows what to do (even if I’m the one who usually does it). He knows how to feed her, and entertain her, and get her to sleep. I may be the default parent, but he definitely knows what he’s doing. And if he does get overwhelmed, he has his parents, my parents, my sister, and his sisters all within a 5 mile radius. There’s just no reason for me to NOT go.

I plan on driving there, so if I freak out with separation anxiety and have to cancel at the last minute (or make a U-turn the minute I arrive), I can without any lost money due to cancelled airline tickets or whatever. But I don’t think that I will.

I’m part of a private mom’s group on Facebook and I got a lot of great feedback when I posted about this issue – it seemed like there were two sides: 1) OMG I COULD NEVER LEAVE MY BABY and 2) Ugh, I would kill for a girl’s weekend. Anyone wanna go to Vegas? Up until we started planning this trip I definitely considered myself part of group one. But now that I’m going, I’m excited to be going. Does that make sense? Has anyone else had a similar situation?

In other news… not much going on. Working, living, hanging out. Still working my butt off in the gym but getting impatient about not seeing results fast enough (especially in light of this trip, with two of the fittest people I know). I have two months to step up my game.

I’ll leave you with some pictures of the little princess. I told her she’s growing up too quickly and she better stop it or else, but she didn’t seem to listen…

she can stand now (but still won't do it for mommy, only for Aunt Ashley)

she can stand now (but still won’t do it for mommy, only for Aunt Ashley)

what can I say? the kid loves grocery shopping

what can I say? the kid loves grocery shopping

her cousin Addi is probably her second favorite person in the world

her cousin Addi is probably her second favorite person in the world

her favorite toy, and we don't have the heart to tell her its for ages 2 and up

her favorite toy, and we don’t have the heart to tell her its for ages 2 and up

yes... 7 months old now....

yes… 7 months old now….

future Disney star?

future Disney star?

toys are so exciting!!

toys are so exciting!!

this mirror tells her she's pretty...

this mirror tells her she’s pretty…

...and she loves it.

…and she loves it.

oh, what a year it’s been

What started out as a Christmas recap/Molly’s 6-month update post has now been hastily turned into a year end recap, or life right now recap, because I just haven’t had the time to streamline my disjointed thoughts into coherent sentences. The funny part is that now that I have a job where I could conceivably blog on lunch breaks or when I come in super early every day (because every website in the world isn’t blocked like it was at my last job), I’m usually too busy with actual WORK to spend any time blogging. Plus, I’ve been really good about going to the gym during lunch, even in the hard-to-stay-motivated month of December. So… yay for me and my jiggly thighs, boo for my blog. I’m sorry.

I’m sure I don’t have to spell out for anyone, especially all you faithful blog readers, that 2014 has really been the best year EVER. I mean… duh. Not only did my dream of becoming a mommy finally come true, but also I scored a job at the company I’ve been targeting for years, and so far, everything is just as good as I thought it would be (and yes, I am talking to my coworkers more, and you were all right, I was just being impatient about making new friends).

Christmas was so awesome. I took off on Christmas Eve and the company gave everyone off on the 25th (obviously) and the 26th (yay!), which meant that I got to spend 5 entire days with my sweet girl and my dear husband. Despite a 24-hour bout of sickness that I thought was the flu but probably wasn’t actually the flu, it was pure bliss.

But also kind of sad. Because the more time I spent with Molly, the more I got to know her… I mean, really know her on that day-to-day basis that I don’t usually get to see. And as much as I enjoy working, especially at my new job, it was a little depressing, you know? I had 8 weeks off with her when she was first born, but that’s when she was all newborn-y and hadn’t developed a personality yet. During the five days of Christmas break, I got to know her on a deeper level and to really enjoy her company, rather than just try to cram as much as possible into that one hour window before bedtime or our whirlwind weekends of errand running and other events. So yeah, it was great, but it also made me feel wistful…and thankful that I basically have the same thing this week (working from home today, then off until Monday). So talk to me on January 5th and I’m sure I’ll be even more sad/wistful than I am now.

But for now, I’m just looking forward to another nice break, and more time hanging out with our little family. Especially since we’re spending New Year’s Eve at home for the first time in a long time.

Here are a few highlights from last week:

-Molly LOVES being around people and commotion, and proved this by staying up a full 3 hours past her bedtime on Christmas Eve. She didn’t waver – not even as the clock crept toward 10pm. My little trooper! We got a late start to Christmas Eve dinner (par for the course with my family), and didn’t get to present opening until way late. Luckily, we always go in age order youngest to oldest when opening gifts, so Molly was first. Wouldn’t you know – she did a great job tearing that paper! She got a bunch of toys, which she desperately needed, and then promptly fell asleep once her turn was done. I figured she’d sleep soundly through the night after all that, but OH NO, that girl was up every hour from about 1am to 5am. One of those times I was so exhausted that I didn’t even wake up to her crying, and Eric was the one to go fetch her, try unsuccessfully to comfort her, and then bring her to me (literally, the first time that’s ever happened). Eeesh. She was up for the day by 6am and ready to open her Santa presents. I think she likes getting gifts…

Christmas Eve and so many presents!

Christmas Eve and so many presents!

gift opening pro

gift opening pro

-Our big girl turned 6 months old on the 23rd. Every month I think to myself, “No, this is the best age!” and I keep wondering when that’s going to end (hopefully never?). She can sit up pretty solidly, though we usually do put a pillow behind her just in case, and have had a few unfortunate head-bumping incidents. I’m definitely not saying this to brag, but I’m super impressed with her fine motor skills. Her Nana bought her one of those old school wooden block toys where you fit the shapes into the holes of the cube (I hope that explanation makes sense), and it’s for ages 2 and up, but we figured hey, why not let her just bang the wooden shapes around. Not only does she insist on trying to put the shapes in (and understand that that’s the point of it)… she can almost do it! I seriously sat there recording her attempts for 10 minutes, but so far she hasn’t actually done it. Oh, well. She’s very good at focusing on tasks and I have no doubt she’ll have those blocks dominated in no time.

6 months!

6 months!

so close...

so close…

-Here’s another fun new thing Molly started doing: giving kisses. If you’re ever feeling down, just take a little drive over to PA and I promise, these kisses will put a gigantic smile on your face. She gets this very intense look, grabs your face on both side with her two hands, and with an open, drool-y mouth, pulls your cheek (or your mouth, or nose, or whatever) to her mouth for a few seconds and releases. Then she always has a satisfied little grin when she’s done! I almost don’t want her to learn how to kiss correctly because the way she does it now is just TOO MUCH.

Well friends, it’s time for me to bid farewell to the amazing-ness of 2014. There’s so many things to look forward to in 2015. I find myself doing that a lot lately – looking forward to things. I’m not so obsessed about that one thing (MUST HAVE BABY), so finally I’m able to think about other things, which is nice. I didn’t bother with resolutions. I just hope to continue being grateful for all the blessings I’ve already been given.

May your year be filled with happiness! Love you all.

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