Fewer than 24 hours until April Fool’s Day, but I promise this is no joke.
As of today, I am 6 weeks, 4 days pregnant.
No trying. No counting. No needles, no doctors, no betas, no PIO shots in the ass. Just a good old-fashioned roll in the hay and BAM! – it actually happened.
Believe me… never in a million years did I think this would be my life. I thought the whole “unexpectedly pregnant after infertility/adoption” thing was a complete urban legend. Ever notice how it’s always someone’s sister’s neighbor’s cousin once removed, and never anyone you know directly? I thought this was a story they told infertiles with the intention of providing hope, when really they were only pissing us off.
But then it happened to me.
And it is exciting, don’t get me wrong. I mean, at first there was an “Oh, shit!” moment because it was just so unexpected. Two babies in diapers, 17 months apart… 3 frozen embryos waiting patiently in NYC… it was just a lot to take in. I had this all planned out. Go for a transfer later this year, have a summer baby in 2016. Getting pregnant naturally? No, that definitely never crossed my mind.
So at first I was freaked out/surprised, then I was mildly irritated (not over being pregnant, more over the fact that everyone who ever said “you need to just relax” had some sort of validity to their statement), then I was complacent, then I started getting nervous/excited.
I found out when I took an HPT on March 16th (yes, it’s been very hard keeping this secret from you!). I took the test because 1) My period was three days late and 2) All my milk mysteriously dried up, totally out of nowhere. I called the OB/GYN the next day and they graciously decided to see me early, as in today, just based on my history of miscarriage.
Today kind of sucked, though it did go basically how I expected it to go. They detected a very blurry fetal pole that measured exactly 6 weeks 4 days, as it should. But they did not see a heartbeat. Now, my office has super old ultrasound equipment – nowhere near as advanced as the stuff they have at the RE or even at the hospital labs where I went for early ultrasounds with Molly. But still. Not seeing a heartbeat has plunged me back into Anxietyville. I did not miss feeling like this all the time.
It didn’t help that after the “maybe/maybe not” ultrasound, they decided to send me for blood testing today and again in 48 hours to confirm my levels are where they should be and rising. So apparently… they have concerns too. Though the (largely pregnant) ultrasound tech did assure me that not seeing a heartbeat right now was not necessarily bad news.
I have a repeat ultrasound in 1 week. At that appointment, they will know without a doubt whether or not this is a viable pregnancy. So until then, I will be over here quietly hyperventilating in the corner, thankyouverymuch.
Oh, and now for the creepy part. At the risk of totally oversharing (you read my blog, you should be used to this by now) – I can say with confidence that this baby was conceived exactly 2 years after the twins were implanted – TO THE DAY. What’s more, this follow-up ultrasound is scheduled for April 7th, 2015, and I had my “bad ultrasound” with the twins on April 8th, 2013. I swear if they had tried to make it for that day I would have said no. This whole thing is just eerie.
So… yay… I think? I don’t know. I have this hard knot of anxiety in my stomach. I feel guilty for not feeling elated from day one, though not to the point that I think it contributed in any way. It just sucks.
My mantra for the next week: “Worrying about something will never change the outcome.” Now if I could only believe it…
Prayers/thoughts/good vibes sent into the atmosphere are definitely appreciated. I will keep you all posted on new developments. Also – if I know you in real life, you can certainly talk about this with me, but please keep it quiet with others and on public forums. I am not sharing with the general public yet for obvious reasons.