monthly updates Archives - Page 2 of 6

Dec 14

round four review

Dec 14

Maybe I just have a lot of significant dates in my life, but it’s oddly creepy how they keep aligning with current life events.

I woke up this morning to the sad reminder that today is the four year anniversary of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. I will always remember that date because it happened on the exact same day that Eric and I began our IVF journey at New Hope. I remember sitting in the waiting room watching the news coverage, feeling helpless and awful and terribly self-absorbed to be worrying so much about my own problems.

Of course, I didn’t remember that today was the anniversary, or that the embryo transfer was happening so close to that date. Yesterday I went in to work normal time, left the office around 10:45, had the procedure, laid flat on my back for one hour, got up, got dressed, and was back at my desk by 1:30. I made the joke to some friends that I was probably – but not definitely – the only person in the building using her lunch break to get pregnant. And then, yes, I joined my coworkers for after-work drinks because why the hell not. Did I partake in a glass of red wine? Maybe. (Yes).

So I’m PUPO. That’s always been one of my favorite acronyms. Dr. L said the embryo thawed perfectly and looked to be of really good quality, so that’s a relief. I’m staggering around from the soreness of the PIO injections…it’s been a few years, I forgot how much those buggers hurt! But it’s all worth it in the end of course. If I can restrain myself, I’m going to wait to test until Tuesday morning. I went back through my timeline to see when I got BFPs with the other 3, and it looks like one week post transfer. I can live with that.

Part of me is optimistic over the fact that so far I’m 3 for 3 on FETs, while another part is nagging that I can’t possibly have a 100% success rate and I’m due for a failure one of these times. At least I know I did everything I possibly could. I gave up gluten two weeks ago and stayed strong, even as the delicious appetizers at happy hour were being waved under my nose.

On the job front, some news: I got one! I actually had two offers, which was exhilarating and honestly a bit of an ego boost. I have never been a great advocate for myself and suck at negotiating, so having those two offers really helped boost my confidence and gave me the courage to ask for what I want. I am really excited about this new role (I start on 1/3) and hope they won’t be too pissed if I’m pregnant. All of the people I talked to seem really nice and accommodating, so I’m betting on they won’t mind too much.

Not too much else going on! I mean, new job and potential pregnancy, plus Christmas craziness is enough excitement for one month, I suppose. The kids are great, we went to see Santa last week and Molly was obsessed with him. She told him what she wants (an Elsa and Anna doll) which is thankfully the same thing she’s been asking for consistently for the past two months, and I have it on good authority that the exact dolls she asked for will land under our tree on Christmas Eve. Liam was terrified of Mr. Claus but I loved every minute of it. The crying Santa photos are always my favorite.

This was the Awesome Santa I mentioned before, where the spots sold out in 3 seconds and we got put on a wait list. I hate to admit it, but he was well worth the hype. The best Santa I’ve ever seen and great with the kids. I’m in love with our photos.

All right, I’ll be back in a week with a pee stick pic! Gross, right?

In the meantime, some Santa photos for those of you who don’t follow me on social media:

best of friends

santa-036

santa-016

santa-031

santa-034

Nov 30

the good with the bad

Nov 30

This is a hard post to write, literally and figuratively.

So much has happened over the past few weeks that I feel exhausted just thinking about getting it all out of my brain and onto my blog. Big things – both good and bad – are going on right now, and the longer I wait, the more that happens. So I’m just going to dive right in and finally update this thing with the news of right now.

The first big (bad) thing that happened is that I lost my job. I know… it’s truly awful! You’ll remember that I’m working at my dream company, a place that I actively targeted for five years before finally breaching the seemingly impenetrable walls of the fortress.

This comes as no surprise, however. I started at Rodale as part of the e-commerce team, retail being a new endeavor that they were hoping to grow but which sadly had to be pared down and restructured for a multitude of reasons I won’t bore you with here. Long story short, almost my entire team got laid off (except for 3 survivors who now face the daunting task of doing the work of 12 people), so you know, nothing personal. I’ve never lost a job before so this whole experience has been very enlightening.

One nice thing is that the company gave us six week’s notice, and I am still employed until 12/30. Coming in to work the day after the big announcement was definitely awkward, but as days passed we all just got used to it. It’s not uncommon now to pass by a coworker’s screen and see a draft of her resume blatantly displayed, or overhear conversations about job interviews and LinkedIn connections. It’s all at once funny, sad, and weird.

Mostly I’ll miss the people I’ve been working with every day for the last two years. I always miss the people most of all! We have such a great group of ladies who are all so talented, and while I’d love to believe we’ll stay in touch, the reality is that it’s unlikely. It’s scenarios like this that force me to admit how useful social media can be.

Anyway, I’m remaining surprisingly upbeat despite this setback. Maybe it’s naiveté and maybe it’s just optimism, but something in me is convinced I won’t remain unemployed for long. I had one interview yesterday and have another Monday (for an internal role), and I have a couple other prospects I’m waiting to hear from. I truly believe something will work out for me.

As for the other thing… the baby thing… no, I’m not putting that on hold, even though I probably should. For one thing, I’m about to lose my infertility coverage (unless I get that internal gig) and for another, I’m not going to start planning my life around work. I like working, but I’m never going to be a ladder-climbing career gal, if you know what I mean. Motherhood comes first, work second. I have no idea how this will all play out and I learned long ago that my best-laid plans can all be dashed in an instant. So… it may be crazy… but the transfer is still happening this month.

Part of me is thinking it’s dumb to be posting this on a public personal blog. But again – whatever! If a potential employer somehow sees this and decides not to hire me based on my desire to have more children, then I’m glad to know that up front. Because my intention is to have more kids and there’s no company in existence that would change my mind on that.

I just started my daily Estradiol and my PIO shots are in the mail and should arrive today – yay. I’m picking up the cryo tank from my new fertility clinic Thursday night and heading into Manhattan (with a good friend chauffeuring) early Friday AM. One nice thing about being laid off is that things have become super lax as far as hours are concerned, and literally no one cares about me leaving early or coming in late (hours before were super flexible – now it’s a total free-for-all). I’m very nervous about this whole ‘picking up the embryos’ thing going smoothly. The new clinic required 12 pages of legalese signed, initialed, and witnessed just for me to think about bringing the embryos in the door. Checking them out from NYC only requires a one page form, but it does need to be notorized (to-do list addition: find a notary). I’ve been going nuts trying to coordinate and plan all the bits and pieces of this event, from forms to weekly monitoring appointments and everything in between. I will definitely feel a lot more relaxed on Friday afternoon when embryos are safely where they need to be at the new clinic. I’ll feel even more relaxed mid-month when one of those embryos is all the way where it needs to be – a.k.a., my uterus.

What else? Oh no big deal, it’s December and I haven’t started Christmas shopping, plus did I mention I’m unemployed? We have something going on every night this week, I’m supposed to be relaxing and mentally preparing for this embryo transfer, ALSO I’m frantically job hunting, and we need to put up and decorate the tree, and take Christmas photos, and mail out cards, and continue with the little details of daily life… ahhh! It’s enough to drive any sane person absolutely bananas.

And as if that wasn’t enough, we had a birthday brunch for Liam last Sunday on the day of his first birthday (which I had to plan, shop for, cook for, and clean for). Yes, my son is ONE! What! The party was just for immediate family, but even then the guest list included 15 adults and 13 children who all crammed into my tiny house. It was crowded, noisy, and lovely, and Liam definitely enjoyed himself and smashed his cake in his own good time (5 minutes after everyone stopped taking videos and wandered out of the kitchen).

He’s been getting much better at walking and can do the mummy-esque shuffle across the length of a room. He falls a lot, but gets right back up, and you should see how proud he is of himself. I can’t believe how big he’s getting. I can’t believe how much I’ve forgotten to write down. Oh, the poor, neglected second child.

That’s really it for now. If you could all say a few prayers for me I would truly appreciate it – that the embryo moving day goes smoothly, that the embryo transfer works (looking like right around 12/13 or 12/14, and hopefully I’ll post again before then but with my track record I’m not making any promises), that I find a job, that I find space to relax and breathe, and that I don’t lose my ever-loving mind in the meantime. Thanks, friends.

Here are some party pics of my big man:

he kept the hat on for approx 4 seconds

he knows how old he is

yay – cake!

cake = smashed

need a ride?

Nov 11

three on the move

Nov 11

Hi there.

I’ve been a mess lately trying to work out the logistics of a big situation. It’s still not completely figured out but we’re getting there. I’ve been waiting to share until I was sure it would work out, and even though I’m still not 100% positive, I am fairly confident now that it will happen. Very soon.

I’ve mentioned many times now that no embryos are getting left behind and that we are planning to implant all three of the remaining little frosties at some point. Well…the time has come.

There are several time-related and financial reasons for the rush. First, don’t laugh, but I’m feeling old. As of four days ago I’m 32 and a half which of course is not old, but is kind of old when you’re facing the prospect of three more pregnancies. (Or two more… that’s a whole other issue). Especially considering that every one of those deliveries will be a scheduled c-section, which will be harder and harder to recover from as I get older.

Financially, the time had to be now because of boring insurance reasons. Thanks in large part to Eric’s multiple ER visits in April, we managed to meet our gigantic deductible for 2016. I know, who would have thought? Because we accomplished this feat, all future medical visits and procedures for this year are covered at 90%, and now that we have coverage for ART despite it not being state-mandated (HALLELUJAH), the embryo transfer has become – dare I say – affordable.

Of course, as of January 1st our enchanted carriage turns back into a pumpkin and we’ll need to meet that big scary deductible all over again before we can enjoy that awesome 90/10 coverage. So even though mentally I’d feel better about doing the transfer in 6 months, truly, what’s the difference? December, June, who cares? Going from two kids to three kids is going to be a giant change no matter what. If we wait until we’re truly ready we’ll never do it. At this moment, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, and I’d much rather take advantage of all the money I’ve paid into insurance so far this year.

We had our consult last week with the new/old RE. She’s the one who originally diagnosed our infertility issues in 2011. We went to her for all our initial testing and then promptly did nothing about our crappy diagnosis because we didn’t have the money or the coverage. It was pretty funny giving her updates on our situation at our most recent appointment. Five years later things couldn’t be more different.

Considering the fact that New Hope is two hours away, it was an easy decision to leave them. Also, they are not an in-network provider with our insurance, so meeting our deductible for the year would mean diddly squat in terms of out-of-pocket expense. Interestingly, and I believe I’ve mentioned this in a prior post, doing the transfer at New Hope is about half the price as doing it at the local clinic. Yes, bizarre! But yes, I also don’t care, because again I’m only paying 10%. So whatever.

As Dr. L was going over my history she had some matter-of-fact observations, as I knew she would. First she asked that I manage my expectations. “There is very little chance of you bringing home three babies from these remaining three embryos,” she cautioned. She reiterated what I already knew – that these were the worst quality of the bunch. Of course I realized their likelihood of sticking was much less than the first five we tried. She was also alarmed by my history of repeat pregnancy loss and asked if I’d be able to handle another miscarriage. “I’ll handle it. I’ve handled it,” I said, but her words really got me thinking.

I’ve not yet experienced a miscarriage since having my babies and I wonder what the difference would be (if any). I know I would be incredibly sad regardless, but I do think it would be a different kind of sad. When I lost the twins and the next pregnancy I was mourning their loss, obviously, but beyond that I was mourning the potential of never getting to be a mother. I had no consolation in the form of living children because I had no living children. Now, I won’t be mourning both things, because no matter what happens I am a mom and no future miscarriage will change that. It makes the prospect significantly less scary. I hope I’m not making is sound like miscarriage would be totally fine and easy. I would still be an absolute wreck; I know I would. But I also feel like these past three years have given me so much perspective and I do think I’d handle it better. Even though I think I handled it pretty damn well the first two times around, considering.

Sorry, tangent. Back to the topic at hand. We went in for our little discussion, yada yada, and Dr. L wasn’t even that surprised when I mentioned the whole ‘let’s get this in by the end of the year, insurance, deductible, etc.’ song and dance. Apparently we’re not the only ones trying to get the most bang for our buck from insurance companies. I had a quick U/S on the spot to check my ute and c-section scar (man, was it weird to be back in that chair again) and was sent off with instructions to come back in a week for a lining check. The plan is to go forward with my next cycle – the last possible one of the year – which would make the transfer date sometime in mid-December. Cue the cautiously enthusiastic music here.

The next big hurdle lies in transporting the embryos from Manhattan to Pennsylvania. I have three frustrating options for this:

Option 1 – Rent a tank from the PA clinic. Pick up the tank in PA, drive to NYC, drive back to PA, drop off embryos + return tank. Tank rental cost: $300 + $1,000 credit card hold that would be refunded with the tanks safe return (are people seriously stealing these things?)
Option 2 – Rent a tank from the NYC clinic. Drive to NYC, pick up the tank & embryos, drive to PA, drop off embryos. Drive back to NYC within 1 day to return the tank. Drive back to PA. Tank rental cost: $100
Option 3 – Pay to have them safely and securely shipped. Shipping cost: $750

Ok, that last one is obviously off the table. I’d be a nervous wreck the whole time and the cost is insane.

Do you see my dilemma, though? Eric said I need to weigh the cost of making the trip back and forth four times vs. paying triple the price for the tank rental – for example, with Option 2 I’d be paying for gas, paying for parking, and paying to go through the Lincoln Tunnel multiple times which was like $12 last time I did it. It’s a big pain in the butt. But $100 vs. $300 rental fee? Come on…

I also need to figure out if I’m driving myself or taking the bus. I know it sounds completely effing insane to be riding a public bus with my embryos in a cooler tank but truly, isn’t the situation just as bizarre no matter how I do it? The alternative is, what, strapping the cooler (and yes I am literally picturing a Coleman camping cooler right now) into Molly’s carseat and driving down the highway? Either way… it’s weird. Totally weird.

The bus sounds pleasant because 1) I wouldn’t have to drive and 2) I wouldn’t have to park. Also, have you ever driven in Manhattan? It’s terrible. I’d much rather zone out with a book, Coleman cooler + embryos safe by my side on a comfortable luxury bus than white knuckle my minivan through midtown traffic and pray a cabbie doesn’t hit me.

So that’s where I am right now – trying to figure out how to get those little embryos from point A to point B. Once they are back in PA I’ll be much happier because the cost of storage will drop from $100/month to $60/month, and then once they’re moved to long-term storage that will further reduce to $40/month. No more paying exorbitant Manhattan rent, hooray!

As we cautiously approach a December FET, we’re managing expectations (haha, not really) and hoping for miracles. If all goes to plan, I’ll be able to test the week of Christmas.

What an amazing gift a double line would be to end this crazy year.

May 04

oh, hey, May

May 04

Hey hey, it’s finally May!

Have I mentioned May is my favorite month of the year? Not only is it the month of my birth (which, let’s face it, I still like to celebrate like I’m 10 years old), but it’s also my anniversary month, the kickoff of summer (and summer hours at work, which means half days on Fridays, yessssss), and tons of other fun stuff. Warmer weather. Mother’s Day. Yes, May, I love it.

Let’s totally ignore the fact that it’s almost been A MONTH since I updated my blog. Ack, I suck at life. Actually, I’ve been too busy living life to write about it, which I suppose is a really good thing. I also have a couple ideas for “themed” posts, but I’ve never gotten around to sitting down and writing them. However, thinking about writing them has kept me from making any general updates like this one. Who knows if they’ll ever actually get written though.

Recently… hmmm. I started Liam on solids a little sooner than 6 months because he just seemed ready. You had to see the pained/yearning expression he’d give us while watching us eat dinner – I swear, if he could talk he would have said, “But what about me?!”

Anyway, he was instantly good at eating. Like, barely a learning curve at all, which proves I was right and he was totally ready. Since I’m still anti-rice cereal, I started him off with sweet potatoes, and since then he’s also had pears, bananas, apples, and squash. He loves them all. Just like his sister, the boy LOVES to eat.

Speaking of his sister… funny thing about that… so far, we’ve been so lucky with Molly adjusting to having Liam around. I was fully prepared for her to regress in some way and want to be a baby again – especially since she’s so young, I mean, it would make sense. But no, since day one she’s been proud to be the big sister and let Liam be the baby. Until he started eating. She became obsessed with the baby’s “yogurt” and at first made me feed her with the baby spoon too. Now that she’s more used to it, she doesn’t make me feed her anymore but she does insist on having her own yogurt when I feed him. And then, in possibly the most adorable way ever, she sits there with the spoon and does the airplane game to herself, saying “Brmmmm, brmmmmm, here it comes! Open up for the yogurt!” as she feeds herself each spoonful (which is super random because I don’t even do that while I’m feeding Liam, I just… feed him). Of course every time I try to get this on video she abruptly stops doing it. But trust me when I say it’s just TOO MUCH.

This Friday I turn 32 and for the first time ever in my life I’ll be working on my birthday. Tragic, right? I took off the following Friday because we’re doing a yard sale and I just didn’t want to waste another day of PTO. Somehow I’ll get through it! I’m forcing my friends to go out to lunch with me at my favorite place and I’m not logging my calories for the day (calories definitely don’t count on your birthday).

As I mentioned, ever since my stomach bug my milk supply has never been the same. It’s at the point now that breastfeeding is like appetizers/dessert for the boy and formula is the main course. Still, I’m not ready to give it up completely, and I enjoy our mini feeding sessions first thing in the morning and right before bed.

But now since the pressure is off to make the milk, I am dieting in earnest and have finally seen the scale budge a little bit. Yay! Of course I have a pair of goal jeans (who doesn’t?), but as time goes by, I’m becoming more and more convinced that the only way I will ever get back into them is if someone creates a time machine. And I’m OK with that.

What I really want is to get back into my wedding rings, which I had to remove sometime in 2014 while pregnant with Molly. They haven’t fit since then, and while I do receive tons of compliments on the fake set I bought at Kohls for $30 to wear in the interim (true story, everyone is fooled by it), I would love to wear my real rings again.

Well, that’s all for now. This weekend we’re going out to dinner for my birthday, then I’d imagine we’ll be working on stuff around the house in anticipation of Molly’s party. I wasn’t going to do a big thing for her, but since her first birthday was such a bust I decided to host a do-over in the backyard this summer (with a strict rain cancellation policy).

We have a lot of cleanup to get done before then, but I’m excited anyway because as stressful/expensive as they are, I love hosting parties. At her cousin’s birthday over the weekend, Molly was really into the whole thing, from the singing to the balloons to the gifts she wanted to open. When I told her for the tenth time that it wasn’t her birthday and she couldn’t open them, she clenched her fist and screamed through gritted teeth, “I WANNA HAVE A BIRTHDAY!” So…yeah. I think we need to throw this kid a damn party.

And now for your once-a-month photo dump:

5 months!

her favorite movie

fabulous

in her hand-me-down PJs from the early 90s

helping get the yard ready for company

this guy…

I mustache you a question… am I cute?

loving those sweet potatoes

this about sums them up

Apr 07

it’s April already?

Apr 07

This post has been delayed and delayed because my pretty Easter photos are held up in editing (aka, my dear husband keeps procrastinating on the uploading). I’m not sure why I got it in my head that posting anything HAD TO wait until I had those photos, but I did. Now I’m giving up because it’s April and no one cares that much anyway besides me. I’ll just share them if/when I get them. Which could even be later tonight because that’s just my luck. Either that or October.

Hey, happy April, I’m almost 32 now, eeek! It’s been a whirlwind lately. [Insert tired excuse for not blogging here].

Skiing (which by now feels like decades ago) was good, warm and slushy, but good. We weren’t really expecting much in terms of snow because of how little there was all season, so we were actually pleasantly surprised by the conditions. I felt a lot more confident on skis this year even though it’s only my second season. We did put Molly on teeny tiny skis for approximately 5 minutes before she had an epic meltdown. Mostly it was just because it took so long to get the skis from the rental shop and then walk the long trek up to the bunny slope that she was just done and ready for a nap. But we did get that obligatory “first time on skis” photo op, and that’s all I really wanted. Next year will be better.

not loving it, but a good sport!

Two days after we got home from vacation, Eric started having intense stomach pain to the point that I had to run him over to the ER because we thought it was appendicitis. Long story short, a week of continued pain, multiple doctor’s visits, and numerous tests that delivered no answers led to a (tentative) diagnosis of stomach ulcers. He’ll need to be put to sleep and have an endoscopy to get the official confirmation, but so far the ulcer-fighting meds are the only ones that have provided real relief. Mystery solved (we hope).

Meanwhile, last Sunday night my mother’s intuition kicked into high gear around 3am. Molly will occasionally wake up in the middle of the night and let out a whine or whimper, then fall back to sleep, but for some reason my mama instincts instantly knew this cry was different. I went into her room immediately, where she sat up and proceeded to vomit all over herself. It was lovely. Just then, I noticed that I was feeling a little queasy myself, and in a few hours I joined her on the wonderful journey otherwise known as the “12 hour stomach bug from hell.” To her credit, she took the whole thing like a champ, and was dancing, singing, and begging me for food in between bouts of puking. Me… no. I was curled up on the couch with aching joints and clammy hands, wishing I could just die and get it over with. Thankfully, it was ferocious yet quick, and we were both fully recovered as of Tuesday morning. Isn’t it amazing how getting sick really makes you appreciate feeling well?

Unlike my crazy daughter, I wanted nothing to do with food or water all day Monday, which absolutely devastated my milk supply. Yep, in just 24 hours I went from reliable milk producer to Sahara desert. So frustrating! Tuesday night I had so little milk I actually had to give Liam a bottle (of frozen breastmilk, but still, from a bottle, which felt awkward). He cried (while I was still trying to offer him my sad empty boobies). I cried (when I realized how sad and empty they actually were).

So on Tuesday morning my stomach felt flatter than it has in ages, but when I went to pump, literally nothing came out. Feeling good went to feeling bad, and I quickly had to figure out which made me feel worse – being fat, or switching to formula this early. As much as it pains me to say it, for this moment, staying fat wins. I felt absolutely terrible not being able to nurse my son and my frozen supply is depleting by the day. So I’ve been loading up on fenugreek, having a beer with dinner, and adding oatmeal and banana snacks into my day. I wish I could just have both (weight loss + tons o’milk) but for right now that’s clearly not happening. This little stomach bug thing proved that definitively.

The other night I was lying in bed, stressing out over feeding him, and then all of the sudden I remembered to be grateful.

Grateful that I was able to nurse without any major challenges for a solid four and a half months.
Grateful that I have a freezer stocked with backup breastmilk (dwindling, but still there) precisely for this kind of situation.
Grateful that I also have a half full container of formula left over from when Molly still had bottles, and that it’s not expired because my kids are THAT close in age.
Grateful that even if I had none of these things, I have the means to go buy more formula.
Grateful that even if I was dead broke, there are plenty of wonderful, caring people in my life who would gladly drop everything and go buy the formula for me.

I guess it just got me thinking about how much I take for granted. Because there are so many people – in third world countries, but also here – who don’t have any of those things. And who worry that they won’t be able to feed their babies AT ALL. That just makes me so, so sad.

Anyway, sorry to get depressing, I just think about things like that all the time when I notice myself getting overly dramatic. My methods have been working so far to increase my milk supply little by little. But even if it never goes back to what it was, that’s OK too.

What else? I read an article about Hamilton (late to the party, as usual) and have started listening to the soundtrack during my commutes. Um… wow. SO GOOD. I may have even teared up at some parts. Of course it just makes me want to see the show even more, but I’ll just have to wait until it’s available to the masses. Shelling out $800+ for a resale ticket is simply not happening this century.

OK, I guess that’s it. In lieu of those elusive Easter pics you get crappy iPhone photos that most of you have already seen on Insta. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Molly’s favorite part of the ski trip: bus rides

Mommy’s favorite part of the ski trip: a trolley full of wine

she was also a big fan of the outdoor hot tub

mmm…. ice cream

my baby is 4 months old!

not the real Easter photo

they just love each other

toy sharing, big sister style

sleeping buddies, walkaround and two one

Mar 16

Liam, the giant baby

Mar 16

The other day a coworker found out I had a blog, and asked what I blogged about. It was actually a hard question to answer. In many ways I feel like this blog has an identity crisis. Usually I just say “lifestyle blog” when someone asks me that question, but I always clarify that I used to blog about infertility. For some reason I wear that as a badge of honor. At least back then I knew what the hell I was talking about.

Not having a purpose makes it harder to come up with posts. The weeks slip by and I start to feel guilty over not posting. Not because I have legions of adoring fans wondering where I’ve been (though honestly, I must, right?!), but more because I’m supposed to be a writer. Writing is my favorite thing to do in downtime (supposedly), and yet something that comes so easy when times are hard is next to impossible when times are good. It’s frustrating. Not that I should complain about being happy, but here I am…

What’s new? What’s shaking? Much of the same. Molly is absolutely amazing in every way, as usual. She continues to surprise and delight both of us with an independence that’s well beyond her years. What happened to my little baby girl?! My mom remarked the other night when we were over for dinner that Molly isn’t the least bit jealous of Liam because in Molly’s eyes, she’s not a baby, so why bother competing for attention with one? She thinks of herself as a Big Girl. She speaks in full sentences (sometimes with gibberish thrown in, but mostly coherent), follows commands (or at least comprehends commands and willfully disobeys them), and fawns over her brother like a little mother hen.

The other day Liam was fussing in the next room while I was trying to get ready for the day. Eric was around but ignoring/not hearing his cries, and since Liam is the second child, I didn’t drop my mascara wand immediately to go tend to his needs. After a couple minutes, Molly came into the bathroom and said, “Oh no, Mommy. Baby cry.” (Yeah, kid, like I can’t hear that.) I told her I would get to him in a minute. Thirty seconds later I heard him go silent, and then, miraculously, the sound of uncontrollable giggles coming from both of them. In that moment, I’m pretty sure I was the happiest that I’ve ever been, ever.

Next week we have our big family ski trip in Vermont, which seems to grow every year. We’re basically taking over an entire building of condos this time. Since it was such a mild winter, we’re not expecting any kind of world class skiing, but it’ll be fun to mess around and best of all I’m almost positive that they’ll have skis small enough for Molly. Obviously she’s too young for a proper lesson but we do want to pull her around a little on the bunny slope so she can get a feel for it. And take a bajillion photos, obvi.

Weight loss is slow and steady because I’m actually doing it the healthy way with diet and exercise. Sucks, right? I need some illegal diet pills or something because I’m super impatient. To date, I’m 20 lbs down from when I gave birth. Every day of eating clean feels easier than the day before to the point that if you waved a box of Thin Mints under my nose right now, I don’t even think I’d want one. We’ll see how long I can keep this up.

Liam is humongous. It’s weird because Molly was so petite. Still is, actually. The girl does nothing but eat but when I put her on the scale she weighed a scant 20.5 lbs. Meanwhile, Liam the Giant Baby weighs 16 lbs. Seriously! He’s already fully filling out his 6 month clothes (he’ll be 4 months old on Easter Sunday) and I had to switch him up to size 3 diapers because his size 2’s have been leaving imprints in his thigh fat rolls. In related news, there was a funky smell coming from under his chin(s), which turned out to be a rash and dirt hidden beneath all the chub. Disgusting, yet, hilarious!

The funny thing is that I think Liam eats less than she did at that age. She was eating constantly – I remember breastfeeding being such a time consuming endeavor. It felt like the minute I was done feeding it was almost time for the next go-round. With Liam, I feed him for anywhere from 10-15 minutes and he’s good. He’s just very efficient, I guess. We still have him sleeping in the Rock ‘n’ Play in our room, but frankly it’s getting hard to lift him into bed at night to nurse when I’m half-asleep. I just don’t have the upper body strength for it! He usually only wakes up one to two times per night, and is only up long enough to eat, which is very nice and I truly can’t complain.

Sorry guys, not much else. We have a bunch of super fun Easter-y activities this weekend, such as breakfast with the Easter Bunny at Wegmans on Saturday and then back-to-back egg hunts on Sunday morning. Fun times all around. Adorable photos to follow.

Hope all of you are having a great week!

that’s one fat baby

Feb 10

one-handed typing takes twice as long

Feb 10

Finding time to blog?

HA.

Now I’ve been back to work for close to a week and a half and yeah, it’s not awful. Not great but not awful. There were company-wide layoffs during my maternity leave and my team was impacted significantly, so really I’m just grateful to have a job at all.

Obviously you’ll notice from my lack of posting that I’m still getting the hang of this whole “time management with a full time job, husband, two kids, and two dogs” thing. I work all day, rush home to cook dinner as quickly as possible, then spend those precious few evening hours after dinner and before bedtime creepily staring at my children and trying to soak up as much of their cuteness as possible in a very short amount of time. It’s never enough damn time. I’m currently typing one-handed so I can hold Liam while he sleeps.

But we’re good, you know, we’re surviving. Getting into the routine of life again. I was granted the benefit of work from home Fridays for the next month, which is nice. As much as I’d love to work from home every Friday (or better yet, every day) forever and ever, I’ll take what I can get at this point.

Last Friday was a lot tougher, productivity-wise, than I expected. Working from home and watching Molly was easy. As you’ve probably noticed from my posts, she’s a very independent girl and excels at entertaining herself (blame it on being an only child). On work from home days before Liam came along, I got a lot done. Now… not so much. I didn’t notice it as much when I was home and not working, but toddler + newborn is not conducive to many hours of uninterrupted work. Who knew?

Going back to work also means I’m back at the gym. One of the huge perks of my job is the free company gym a short walk away, and the ability to use my lunch hour to take advantage of it. New for this year is a Pilates reformer class, which I am loving already. I took a weight training/interval class Monday called CoreWorks, which wasn’t that difficult as I was doing it, but 24 hours later my muscles strongly disagreed with that assessment. I spent the entire day today lumbering around like a moron because I can’t bend my legs correctly or raise my arms higher than shoulder height. It’s like the Walking Dead up in here, moaning and groaning included. Oh well, I legit have 50 lbs to lose in 5 months, so this is the price I pay.

I’ve realized, especially since going to the gym and finally being forced to confront my body decked out in spandex in front of full-length mirrors, that I have body dysmorphic disorder…in reverse. Rather than obsessing over a perceived flaw and seeing myself as fat when I really weigh 99 lbs, I have the opposite delusion. My brain thinks of me as basically average weight while my actual reflection in the mirror begs to differ. Blame it on being thin most of my life – I still catch myself grabbing for size Small or even Extra Small while shopping, looking at the proportions and thinking, “Yeah, that should fit,” and being genuinely confused when it doesn’t. I almost laughed out loud while observing myself in the mirror during Pilates today. Like, my body shape is so beyond how I think I look/how I think I should look, it’s almost funny. I caught myself wondering, “Whose thigh is that? Is that seriously what my thigh actually looks like?”

And before you say, “But you just had a baby!” …don’t say that. Everyone says that. I know I just had a baby, and the weight doesn’t magically disappear overnight, and breastfeeding may burn calories but it also makes you hungry as hell, and I have two kids under two so I should really cut myself some slack. I know, I know, I KNOW. But this is not who I am. I remember writing a similar post when I started gaining weight while on fertility drugs (which is actually hilarious because I’d LOVE to weigh that much right now). I cannot reconcile the person in the mirror, the person who has no clothes that fit, with who I see as myself. The ‘me’ I’m familiar with is petite and small. It’s a huge adjustment to just look completely different, you know?

But since I can’t cut calories in an unhealthy way because it would affect milk production (plus it’s like, unhealthy or whatever), I am eating a 90% Paleo diet and working out 4 days a week. Baby steps. I’ll get there. I just went through some old posts and it looks like after Molly it took 8 months to lose 50 lbs. I’d say that’s doable again this time.

Speaking of working out – I was at the gym on Monday, chatting with the instructor who knows I had a baby recently, and we inevitably wound up having a version of the conversation I’ve now had with friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers alike. It goes something like this:

“So you had a baby! Boy or girl?”
“It was a boy.”
“And at home… you have a… what?”
“I have a girl.”
“Oh that’s wonderful! So you’re done having kids now?”

And depending on who that person is or how exasperated I am about answering this question for the millionth time, I have a few different answers prepared:

“Nope! We want a big family.”
“Nope! We aspire to be the Duggars. Late start, but we’re still shooting for at least 10.”
“Nope! We’ve got three more on ice. It’s a long story.”

Sigh. I’m not sure what it is about the one boy, one girl thing that leads people to assume my family is “complete.” Granted, my situation is way different than most, and I don’t expect anyone to realize that I have three frozen embryos chillin’ in New York City and a strict personal ‘no embryo left behind’ policy. But still. It astonishes me that even complete strangers size up our family situation so quickly and automatically assume that I’m done having kids, and then react with bewilderment when I admit to wanting more. Which I would want whether or not I had the frozen embies. And frankly, the stunned reactions make me feel weird for feeling that way.

Once I give some variation of the response above, the person usually replies with,

“Really? Wow! Good for you!”

And I agree. Good for me. Having more than two kids may be expensive and chaotic. It may even be totally batshit insane crazy. But the fact that I went from wondering if I’d ever get to be a mom to contemplating the possibility of five children makes me feel very lucky, indeed.

Other than that, not too much going on. I’m a little pissed off at myself for procrastinating my last week of maternity leave, which is the same thing I did last time. I was insanely productive the first few weeks, and then sort of just regressed into laziness as time went by. I’m hoping to get a few projects done this weekend, since I do have off Monday for President’s Day. Somehow my 2-month-old has outgrown his 3 month sized clothing already and I need to switch out his clothes, again. Also, and please don’t be too shocked at this one – I never finished Molly’s baby book or made my big year in review photo album that I swore I’d make before going back to work. I know! And I know that at this point I should just give up on the stupid baby book but I can’t. It will get done. IT WILL.

Well friends, hopefully I’ll be inspired to write again sooner rather than later. I’m sure there’s more to say but one-handed typing is really no fun at all.

Nov 02

oh, hello, november…

Nov 02

YOU GUYS.

I’m having a baby this month.

This month!

My poor, poor second child. My nesting instincts are… intact, but like 1,000 times less agressive than they were with Molly. In my defense, mostly everything is set up already. The changing table, the bassinett, the random stuff. I know what to expect when I bring him home. I’m ready(ish).

I have been vacuuming a lot. But I wouldn’t say that’s abnormal for me.

We put his dresser in place but I’ve yet to put away his clothes. I have two batches of hand-me-downs – one from my sister, and one from Eric’s sister. Since I know Eric’s sister wants hers back, I need to sit down with a fabric marker and label all of the clothes from my sister so I can sort them out later (cause ain’t no way I’ll remember which outfits came from which person). A daunting task, to be sure. Hence my procrastination.

The other thing I need to do is pack my bag for the hospital. This task I remember putting off with Molly, mostly because it felt like once I did it, she would come (this idea turned out to be inaccurate). It’s just sort of annoying because many of the items, like my toothbrush, pillow, and favorite yoga pants, can’t be packed right now anyway because I’ll need them for the next couple weeks. But still, I guess I can throw in some nursing tanks and nipple cream. Gah, I seriously haven’t thought about needing those things in so long! I think I’m partially in denial. But still, I feel a lot better prepared this time around. At least I’m not TOTALLY clueless.

My last check at the OB/GYN was on Friday – and it was an actual “check,” if you know what I mean. Right now I’m 1 cm dilated, 50% effaced, and to quote my doctor, “Oh, yes that’s the head right there!” I know you can be 1 cm or even 2 cm forever, but just hearing that, and knowing that his head is *right there* makes me more convinced than ever that he’s coming sooner rather than later. As much as I’d love for him to stay put… ehhhhh, I don’t think so.

My doctor also discussed induction if he chooses not to make an appearance (which gave me a little hope for being late, at least), and she said that 11/27 works well for her since she’ll be at the hospital all day anyway and she likes to keep a close eye on her VBACs. This is the doctor who I really like and hope to have around for my delivery, so I agreed to that date. Why not? Like I said, I don’t think I’m going to make it until then anyway. But it’s nice to dream. It’s not like I have any big shopping plans for Black Friday. Ha!

Last Friday afternoon Molly came to work for trick-or-treating, and I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that she legit won Halloween. I can’t tell you how many people said to me that she had the best costume of the day.

#twinning

I’ll admit, I wasn’t too keen on the idea of my beautiful little girl dressed up as an ewok… because they’re a little frightening and not really cute, plus as I’ve said, the whole Star Wars thing is all Eric and not me. Eric ordered the costume pieces after he saw the tutorial last year and had it tucked away for that long, so obviously I had to allow it, plus I didn’t have any other great ideas. I did not know how freaking popular Star Wars everything was going to be this year – I’m sure that helped.

One of the creative departments at work put together a whole Star Wars themed section that was so over the top – I’m talking flashing strobe lights, full size cut outs, movie projections, music, the works. Of course we brought Molly there first and within seconds she started dancing with the music! We all just about died from the cuteness overload. Especially since her “dancing” is more like twerking with a lot of booty shaking, which will probably be concerning in like 15 years but for now is pretty much the best thing ever. My only complaint with the costume is that about half the people thought she was a little boy. But I mean, whatever, she would make a very cute little boy.

Saturday was trick-or-treat in our town and it was pretty fun. This is a great age when she doesn’t really get what’s going on and Eric and I get to eat all her candy. Seriously, the amount of candy in my house is obscene. But I did ask at the OB/GYN how much I gained with this pregnancy and it’s only 32 lbs so… yay me! That’s more than I wanted to but still only HALF of how much I gained with Molly. I’m calling it a win. Because I want more candy.

November. It’s November!

I’m starting to get really excited.

And that’s not just the candy talking.

Oct 12

all about Molly (so what else is new?)

Oct 12

My sister told me not to tell my husband that when her husband came home from work the other day, Molly ran up to him yelling, “Daddy’s home!” It is kind of sad, but I know she was just mimicking her cousins, and when I did tell Eric (have I mentioned I’m a terrible secret keeper?) he was unfazed, and just said, “Yeah, James and I look alike, so what?”

He wasn’t upset because Molly’s love for her daddy is beyond obvious. One recent night the two of them spent a good 20 minutes standing in the hallway flipping the light switches on and off. Shortly prior, she amused herself by screaming in my face and laughing hysterically when I screamed back (which is something that I’m sure came from his influence). Frankly, I was surprised she had a voice the next morning.

I’ve decided I need to do this more (so hopefully it doesn’t bore you all) – just talk about her in general, and take random videos, because her personality and habits change so frequently and I know I’ll want to remember these small details one day. As it is, one of our favorite activities is to sit on the couch and watch old videos of her on my phone. The difference between a few months ago and now is extraordinary.

So here they are for right this moment, a few Molly-isms that I adore:

-She’s obsessed with apples. I think on one hand she’s excited about being able to say the word apple, but also she does insist on having an apres-dinner apple nightly, in addition to the apples I know she eats at my sister’s house during the day. I guess as far as vices go, that one isn’t so bad.
-Elmo is her homeboy. This is another word she can say, so that helps, but she also has a serious Sesame Street addiction and loves Elmo best of all. I know this is very common in toddlers but I can’t for the life of me figure out why.
-She is a big fan of going night-night (and yes, says night-night! Notice a theme here?). If she’s tired and I’m not getting the night-night process started in a timely fashion, she’ll lay down on the floor wherever she’s playing, or will toddle up to her crib, grab onto the bars, throw her head back dramatically and start yelling, “Nigh nigh! Nigh nigh!” So she has apparently inherited her father’s looks but her mother’s flair for the dramatic.
-I know kids like to say no, but Molly is just as content to say “Yeah.” Except she doesn’t just say “Yeah” when answering in the affirmative (You know, when you ask her if she wants an apple). She chants, “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” complete with a little dance. Again… nothing halfway for her.
-She never stops talking, but other than the above few words I’ve mentioned, along with, “What are you doing?,” her endless stream of chatter is almost identical to what you’d hear in a Korean nail salon. Same inflections and everything. I’m half tempted to take her into one and see if someone will translate.
-She is obsessed with – and frighteningly adept with – her iPhone. Yes, my 1-year-old has her own iPhone… welcome to 2015, folks. It’s an old phone of Eric’s that we loaded up with kid apps and which I promised myself I would not use as a surrogate parent. But it’s amazing how quickly she figured the thing out. She can unlock it, go into her favorite app, choose and play different videos in the app, etc. And if she accidentally goes into the wrong apps (always likes to check the stock market for some reason) and can’t get back out, she’s smart enough to come find me and offer her Korean explanation of what happened, while also making gestures to indicate that I need to fix it. It’s amazing.

I’m sorry if this is all mundane. The truth is I’m just… happy. Happy, content, satisfied. Slightly stressed out about baby boy’s arrival, but really not even a lot. Eric cleaned his office so that made my OCD calm down a little. We still didn’t set up the nursery stuff yet but I mean seriously, that won’t take more than a couple of hours. I washed and folded a bunch of itty bitty blue onesies and stuff and it’s all sorted and ready to be put into drawers when we get them.

I had off for Columbus Day and spent all day today doing nothing. I had planned to run errands, etc, which is how I spend my weekends usually, but then I woke up this morning and was like, “Screw it, we’re staying in PJ’s and vegging out,” and that’s just what we did. Normally I like getting out, but today… I dunno. It felt good to just relax and do nothing. We baked, we napped, we watched Sesame Street. I definitely couldn’t do it every day but for today it was just right.

Over the weekend we went to a corn maze and visited a few farms in the area. The weather was absolutely perfect – not too hot but not too cold, sunny, fall-y. I’m sort of regretting not doing the pumpkin patch but we already had it planned for the 18th, so hopefully it’s not 50 degrees this weekend like they claim it will be. But even if it is… whatever.

Life is good.

perfect fall weather

first time rockin’ pigtails

lazy Columbus day

Sep 06

a pretty boring LDW update

Sep 06

Hello, and hope everyone is enjoying their 3 day weekend!

my sad, clingy baby

We are doing just fine over here, with maybe just a few minor bumps in the road. For one, Molly has been not herself these past couple of days – moping around, not smiling, not eating as much (which for her is really a red flag), and very clingy to me. She was running a fever of 102 on Saturday but thankfully it broke and hasn’t gone over 99 since. I figured this was all due to teething – I can see quite a few molars coming through.

Last night we had planned a night out and since we do that so rarely and we had tickets to a comedy show, we went anyway… (does that make me awful?). My mom and Eric’s mom split babysitting duties and they both noticed that she kept pulling on her ear. So they thought maybe ear infection and suggested I take her to a walk-in medical place today. The only reason I haven’t is because she seems much better today than yesterday, and yesterday she slept in until 8:30 and then took like 4 naps, so I think she probably managed to fight off whatever was causing her issues. Anyway, if she’s not better by tomorrow I guess I’ll take her.

Literally, this is my life now – blogging about possible ear infections. Wow.

After the comedy show last night, we spent a little while hanging out at the bar where the show took place and I ran into a former coworker who I literally haven’t seen in 7 or 8 years. It was clear she had had a few drinks… she was gushing over my belly and mourning the fact that she’s in her 30s, single, and just so jealous that I’m married and pregnant. She said this several times to the point that it was uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to respond anymore. She was thrilled (but also, like, jealous! I hate you! No, I’m kidding I love you!) that I had a girl and was having a boy and that Eric and I were SUCH an adorable couple. SO LUCKY!

A noisy bar was not the place to bring up infertility and the host of other issues that have led to getting to the point I’m at now (especially since I’m quite confident she wouldn’t even remember the conversation the next day anyway), but it’s funny how people only see what’s on the surface. Yes, I am happily married, but Eric and I were on and off for 8 solid years and went through no small amount of hell to finally work it all out. And yes, we seem to have created the perfect nuclear family, but 2 years ago I wasn’t sure I would ever get to be a mom. It’s just funny how you never know what the road to happiness was like. And also funny that there are so many things I would love to change about my current situation (new house, less debt, etc), and yet there are still people out there who are jealous. It’s all a matter of perspective.

On to less introspective topics…

So you want to hear about that other baby? He’s so good! I had another growth scan at the perinatal center on Friday and he’s measuring right where he should be – currently weighing in at 2 lbs 14 oz and on track to be right around 7 lbs for delivery (which would be so amazing because then maybe everyone won’t freak out like they did with itty bitty Molly). As I believe I’ve mentioned before, I think these extra growth scans at perinatal are probably unnecessary, but the big perk is that I get to see him on their super advanced ultrasound machines.

His face! Seeing the 3D images make it so much more real.

The big decision of the week was that Molly and her brother will be sharing a room. We tried in vain to come up with another solution for Eric’s office, but alas, his gigantic desk won’t fit anywhere else and he does actually need an office to work from home, especially if this winter is as bad as they it’s going to be. Honestly, the biggest reason that I wanted to convert the office into another bedroom is because I want it clean – Eric is perfectly content to live amongst clutter, whereas for me, it drives me crazy. So when I look into his office I get super anxious and I thought having an excuse to empty it and clean would help with all of that.

We agreed that we’d leave the office an office provided he clean it and organize it prior to new baby’s arrival. The fact is, Molly’s room is quite large, and for the first few months he’ll be sleeping in the bassinet next to our bed anyway. If we decide they wake each other up too much after we move him to his crib I suppose we can revisit the issue next year, but for now, I think room sharing makes the most sense.

We got a great deal on a crib off Craigslist and my sister is letting me have a dresser… other than that, what does the kid really need? It’s so funny how nonchalant I am this time around compared to last time. I think this has a lot to do with it being a second pregnancy for sure, but also it’s because most of the stuff is ready to go since we already have Molly. (Veteran parents, who would have thought?) First-timers really do overestimate how much you need for a newborn… you know what newborns need? Diapers, boobies, and warm hugs. And I have all those things. :)

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty excited for summer to be over, because fall is by far my favorite season. Sweaters, pumpkin spice everything, falling leaves, crisp air… I love it all. Plus, in 11(ish) weeks, I’m having a baby.

Crazy town.

29 weeks!