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Jan 10

…and a happy new year

Jan 10

It’s been forever. I’m blaming technology.

Or should I say, lack thereof. I had to turn in my work laptop which was functioning as my personal laptop for the past two years. No computer = no blog posts. Eric has been valiantly trying to resurrect my old, dead HP but it’s probably a lost cause. Meanwhile, at my new job I’m on the list to get a laptop but I’m not first in line, meaning I’ll have a few months of using this sad excuse for my lack of consistent posting.

When we last left off… it was forever ago. In the interim between then and now, Christmas happened, New Year’s happened, I started my new job and things are moving right along. I have to say it’s pretty weird to once again be a functioning member of the workforce. While technically no time lapsed between my last day worked at Rodale my first day with Altitude (besides the holidays), I had been laid off six weeks prior and let’s just say things had become verrrrrry lax in December. It was really great for things like coming in late due to oil change appointments and leaving early basically every day after taking two hour lunches, but now that I’m once again expected to be in the office and working 40 hours per week, it’s a real shock to the system.

The funny thing is I don’t even miss getting paid to do “nothing.” Having no tasks and no future with the company made me bored and irritated, and as hard as it is adjusting to busyness, it feels good to once again feel like I’m contributing something. Like, if I’m going to haul my ass out of bed at 6AM, shower, dress, drop my kids off, and drive 40 minutes, it might as well be for something of value to someone. I’m very pleased so far with my new company and everyone has been over-the-top welcoming and kind. Really, my only complaint is that I need a laptop so I can blog.

On the baby front, I have my first ultrasound tomorrow. Eep! I truly have no symptoms, besides random waves of nausea that last for no longer than 15 minutes at a time. I am positively dreading telling my new employer that I’m preggo and I don’t know why. I think they will react well – besides asking the obvious question, “Are you intending to come back, or do you have an untapped trust fund which would allow you to put three kids in daycare?”

The truth is I don’t know and I didn’t plan that far ahead. It’s weird for me because I’m a planner, and a control freak, and not planning is the antithesis of everything I stand for. I guess in my mind having this baby (and the others) is way too important and since the problem had no solution, I pushed forward despite it being a crazy idea. At first I stayed calm and believed a solution would just appear. Now as things progress, I’m starting to panic a little. I still have a lot of time… but we all know time flies when you’re having fun.

My sister is having her baby in July and as of then (if not before) she will not be watching my brood anymore. I called earlier this week to price out daycare and promptly threw up in my mouth. Whyyyyy is it so expensive, whyyyyy? I think at this point, the ideal situation would be to find someone reputable who operated an in-home daycare that was accepting more children. Or, to send them to my daycare of choice (which in the grand scheme of daycares, isn’t even that expensive, but still way more than what I’ve been paying all this time) on a part-time basis and somehow finagle our schedules to only have them in 25 hours per week (which would save us something like $300/month). A final option would be to find someone to come to the house, but I can’t imagine a person like that would be cheaper than daycare. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

As for what happens post-September… I’m not even going to think about that right now. One day at a freaking time. In other news, if you know Mary Poppins or anyone similar, please let me know. I’m in the market.

The kids are doing well for the most part. Liam has a cold this week and in typical male fashion is just being super dramatic about it. He just wants to be held and rocked while he moans and complains, which is fine by me to some extent. He’s now walking if not running full time, still getting into everything, and starting to dabble in speaking by mimicking our tones and inflections when he babbles. If we’re in the car and I say, “Liam?” he’ll always respond with,“Mmm?” It’s super cute.

Molly went from absolutely dead-set against potty training to 90% trained in a matter of 4 days. That’s just proof that I needed to be patient and wait until she was ready. Sometimes she wakes up dry, sometimes not, but as for during the day she rarely has accidents and was VERY excited to pick out a new potty seat to go on the big potty last weekend.

Other than that, not much, just trying to survive the bitter cold temps and constantly broken down furnace. I am tackling a Whole30 this month despite being in my first trimester, which I know is pretty ambitious. The Whole30 is completely safe to do while pregnant and I’m eating plenty, don’t worry. My main goal is to feel better, function better, sleep better, and also put off how long it takes me to show so I can delay telling my employer for as long as possible. Which I realize is totally ridiculous since I swear I already have a bump. Dammit.

Ok, wish me luck on that U/S tomorrow! The thing I want most (besides seeing a good strong heartbeat) is to finally be taken off the PIO injections. She’s had me doing oral + injections for 2 weeks as an overlap so I didn’t have a sudden drop in progesterone, but I am anxiously awaiting the day I can stop injections in my poor, sore, lumpy back.

Pray for me, friends.

Posted by amanda 3 Comments
Filed Under: IVF, miscellany, monthly updates, pregnancy, Whole30 Tagged: daycare, IVF #4

Dec 19

A girl went in for a routine medical procedure. One week later? You won’t BELIEVE what happened next.

Dec 19

Sorry not sorry for the headline. I am so horrified yet fascinated by clickbait that I had to try it out for myself.

You may be wondering how this morning went.

I had a dream I was taking a pregnancy test. As I always do, I peed, then set the test next to me on the sink face down until I was mentally ready to face the results. That moment stretched on and on. Finally, I stood, and just as I was about to turn it over…

My alarm went off.

Then I remembered I got to do it for real, today.

So I went through all that same steps in actual life, only this time I stood at the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. I was shaky and nervous. I want this, I don’t want this. I do want this. Of course I want this.

I flipped the test over.

It was positive.

That’s right, we are four for four on embryo transfers, though to be fair only 5 of the 6 embryos we attempted to implant stuck. I’m so glad to report that lucky number six was one of the sticky ones.

Today was significant because I looked back over my timeline and realized that I always do the HPT on 6dp5dt. (For the non-infertility vets: that’s home pregnancy test on six days past five day transfer). So I knew I had to take the test today for luck or superstition or just because I was sick of waiting.

I have a blood test Thursday, but then I’m not sure what happens after that because I assume the office is closed on Christmas Eve, so I won’t get to know about doubling betas and all that good stuff. We’ve been faithfully doing the injections but my progesterone levels were low last week so I had to increase my dosage from 1mL to 1.5mL daily. As far as symptoms… same as last time. Some cramping/tugging/pulling sensations all weekend that could have been the literal feeling of implantation or my overactive imagination. Interestingly, I’ve been getting up in the middle of the night to pee these past few nights, which is something I never do unless I’m pregnant or hungover. Again, could be my subconscious waking me up, or the anxiety over what the answer would be.

I’ve spent the last few days doing fun things like Googling pregnancy complications from multiple c-sections, and queries such as “How many c-sections are you allowed to have, anyway?” (As one woman on a message board enthusiastically reported, the answer is 9 or more, at least for her, which made me cringe). I’m not too thrilled about having another but I don’t have a choice in the matter. Also, funny how I’m worrying about this when I’m only about 5 minutes pregnant. Anything could happen between now and then, even if I have been avoiding gluten so well.

I became obsessed with the idea of the embryo implanting in the c-section scar, which is a very scary thing that can happen but doesn’t happen often. Not that there’s anything I can do to prevent it anyway, and worrying gets me nowhere. Still, I worry. And lately it’s been worry over the very real problem of my kids needing their mother and what if I die and on and on… you should get inside my head sometimes. It’s quite a place.

Next up… I don’t even know. Blood test I guess, then go from there. Eric was not at all surprised I was pregnant but I kind of was. We are due for a negative and I figured this one would be it. (Not that it works like that. Obviously).

You know the drill… prayers are appreciated as we wait and hope for this little one to burrow deep and grow. I will do my very best to keep you posted on happenings. If all goes well, by the end of August 2017 we will have three kids under 4. Phew.

I hope you all have a beautiful Christmas!

I’m pregnant. AHHHHHH!

Posted by amanda 8 Comments
Filed Under: IVF, pregnancy, the big things Tagged: IVF #4

Dec 14

round four review

Dec 14

Maybe I just have a lot of significant dates in my life, but it’s oddly creepy how they keep aligning with current life events.

I woke up this morning to the sad reminder that today is the four year anniversary of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. I will always remember that date because it happened on the exact same day that Eric and I began our IVF journey at New Hope. I remember sitting in the waiting room watching the news coverage, feeling helpless and awful and terribly self-absorbed to be worrying so much about my own problems.

Of course, I didn’t remember that today was the anniversary, or that the embryo transfer was happening so close to that date. Yesterday I went in to work normal time, left the office around 10:45, had the procedure, laid flat on my back for one hour, got up, got dressed, and was back at my desk by 1:30. I made the joke to some friends that I was probably – but not definitely – the only person in the building using her lunch break to get pregnant. And then, yes, I joined my coworkers for after-work drinks because why the hell not. Did I partake in a glass of red wine? Maybe. (Yes).

So I’m PUPO. That’s always been one of my favorite acronyms. Dr. L said the embryo thawed perfectly and looked to be of really good quality, so that’s a relief. I’m staggering around from the soreness of the PIO injections…it’s been a few years, I forgot how much those buggers hurt! But it’s all worth it in the end of course. If I can restrain myself, I’m going to wait to test until Tuesday morning. I went back through my timeline to see when I got BFPs with the other 3, and it looks like one week post transfer. I can live with that.

Part of me is optimistic over the fact that so far I’m 3 for 3 on FETs, while another part is nagging that I can’t possibly have a 100% success rate and I’m due for a failure one of these times. At least I know I did everything I possibly could. I gave up gluten two weeks ago and stayed strong, even as the delicious appetizers at happy hour were being waved under my nose.

On the job front, some news: I got one! I actually had two offers, which was exhilarating and honestly a bit of an ego boost. I have never been a great advocate for myself and suck at negotiating, so having those two offers really helped boost my confidence and gave me the courage to ask for what I want. I am really excited about this new role (I start on 1/3) and hope they won’t be too pissed if I’m pregnant. All of the people I talked to seem really nice and accommodating, so I’m betting on they won’t mind too much.

Not too much else going on! I mean, new job and potential pregnancy, plus Christmas craziness is enough excitement for one month, I suppose. The kids are great, we went to see Santa last week and Molly was obsessed with him. She told him what she wants (an Elsa and Anna doll) which is thankfully the same thing she’s been asking for consistently for the past two months, and I have it on good authority that the exact dolls she asked for will land under our tree on Christmas Eve. Liam was terrified of Mr. Claus but I loved every minute of it. The crying Santa photos are always my favorite.

This was the Awesome Santa I mentioned before, where the spots sold out in 3 seconds and we got put on a wait list. I hate to admit it, but he was well worth the hype. The best Santa I’ve ever seen and great with the kids. I’m in love with our photos.

All right, I’ll be back in a week with a pee stick pic! Gross, right?

In the meantime, some Santa photos for those of you who don’t follow me on social media:

best of friends

best of friends

santa-036

santa-016

santa-031

santa-034

Posted by amanda 4 Comments
Filed Under: IVF, monthly updates, the big things Tagged: IVF #4, PUPO

hello, my name is deeda


sister, daughter, wife, and mama to 5 sweet children on earth, 4 in heaven. self-conscious writer. voracious reader. sarcasm enthusiast. dependable Taurus. lover of broken things. reluctant adult. FOMO sufferer. drinker of coffee. burner of toast.

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