burnt toast life

Sep 23

maxiblog

Sep 23

I’m all over the place lately, which calls for a bullet point post. I know it’s supposed to me microblog Monday, but I just have way too much to cover. Soooo you get a maxiblog instead. Deal with it. :)

Molly is doing great.
This whole working mom thing is my first experience with “doing what’s best for your child” and sacrifice and all that. Every morning when I drop her off I know that she’ll receive great care, plenty of attention, tons of kisses, lots of love. The only person who’s really suffering is me – I can’t help but miss her all day. But I know it’s something I have to do, and I know it’s for her benefit. So I do it. For her. And yeah, it adds a little bit of meaning/purpose to the daily grind, knowing that I’m working to provide for her. (Well… her and the student loan lenders).

Tomorrow Miss Molly turns three months old. Ahhh! She wants to talk to us so badly… she’s always cooing and making faces to go along with what she’s saying. She can have a whole conversation without saying a word. It’s seriously the cutest thing ever. I always try to tell her I understand, and to respond as much as possible. I think she’ll definitely be an early talker.

She’s currently in size 0-3 months clothing and I just switched her to size 1 diapers after stubbornly clinging to the newborn sized versions for a little too long. When I started noticing red indentations on her legs and she had a few blowouts (which is not typical), it was time to admit that she’s growing up, and her diapers need to grow with her. Not my little newborn anymore. *Sniff, sniff*

Her eyes are still brilliantly blue. My doctor said that if they’re still blue at 6 months, they’ll be blue forever, and it’s looking like that may be the case…so far they show no signs of changing. I’m excited! Her hair is red(dish), and now blue eyes? Somebody get this kid a modeling contract!

My milk started drying up, but then I fixed it.

I’m a skeptic, especially when it comes to herbs/spices/oils/New Age remedies. I want things like that to work…truly, I do…but I never believe they’re really going to. So imagine my surprise with this whole breast milk thing. Basically, 3 weeks after returning to my full-time work schedule, my milk started decreasing dramatically day by day. Before long, even first thing in the morning (normally my most engorged time of day), my boobs were looking like two sad, flat little pancakes. I scheduled time with my lactation consultant, but then in an impatient fit of panic I ordered a bottle of Fenugreek capsules (the cheap kind) and six boxes of Mother’s Milk tea from Amazon. I figured I didn’t have much to lose, besides, like, $30.

Well. After just two days of use I noticed a difference. In four days I was getting more milk than ever. I just couldn’t believe it. Natural remedies for the win! Now it seems to have tapered off a little, but I’m back to where I was in terms of production, pumping anywhere from 11-12 ounces throughout the day and waking up good and engorged every morning. Leaking all over my pajamas used to irritate me to no end, but now that I’ve seen the other side, I’ll take it. Milk-soaked shirts? Yes, please!

I also started using essential oils because I know someone who sells them… a little dab of basil and a little dab of fennel on each side about 20 minutes before nursing. Somehow the combination ends up smelling like black licorice, which is funny, because that’s what the Mother’s Milk tea smells/tastes like…anyway, I literally just started this ritual, so we shall see if it helps at all. I do like how it smells at least.

It feels like winter and we’re going camping.
When Eric’s sisters planned a camping trip for the weekend of September 26th, it didn’t sound that late in the year. The day that we talked about it the temperature was like 90 degrees and it was just one of those days that made it hard to imagine the weather getting chilly, ever. Now the time is upon us and I’ll admit I’m a little nervous about camping with a baby.

We just signed up for an auto-delivery thing with a new oil company at home and it took them three whole days to deliver the oil for some reason. Even just those few cold nights without heat – I mean 45 degree nights, spent indoors and under covers – were a little nerve-wracking with Molly. Yeah, she was swaddled and snug in her footie pajamas, and we have a space heater in our room, so she definitely stayed warm, but still. I am going to have to pack her snowsuit for this trip. Lord only knows how cold it will be in the woods. Bring on the hot chocolate! (Before you worry too much, understand that we are camping in a camper, not a tent, and it does have a heater. I’m probably worrying over nothing as usual).

I’m getting sued.

Oh, you thought the dog bite saga was over? Think again, my friends! I kind of knew it was coming when I noticed the billboards going up all over town – this one law firm is aggressively advertising themselves as being THE dog bite lawyers in my area. Literally, they have billboard advertisements every couple of miles. Every time I passed one I thought, oh man, I hope the girl who got bit doesn’t see that. But apparently she did. And now I’m being sued.

I’m not even sure if I’m supposed to be talking about this on my blog, but whatever. No one has told me otherwise just yet. The thing that I don’t understand is how she maintains that she did nothing wrong, even though they have her on video doing it. I’m really thanking my lucky stars for the existence of that video. Here’s a bit of good news, though: if we win, we could potentially have Bird’s record expunged, so he wouldn’t have that black mark follow him around forever and he’d be welcome back at the kennel (not that we’d necessarily take him there again, but it would be nice to have that option). When we first found out he’d have a record, it never occurred to me that we could fight it. So not that it’s a good thing to be sued…far from it…but hey, that part is like the silver lining. Wish me luck winning this battle. I have a feeling I’ll need it.

I’m working hard on losing.
Losing weight, that is. My family does a Biggest Loser competition a few times a year, and this go-round I feel like I have a distinct advantage (which I kind of do). Usually the other participants lose about 5-7 pounds total, so I wasn’t really trying too hard at first, but then all of the sudden people started losing 10 pounds or more and so far I haven’t even been in the lead! It’s inexcusable.

The first 15 pounds melted right off not long after she was born, but then I got stuck. Lately I’ve been pretty strict, and in 3 weeks I’ve managed to shed 9 more pounds. Remember, I gained 60 pounds while pregnant, and prior to that I was already heavier than normal from meds/stress eating. In a perfect world I’d like to lose 50 more pounds from where I am today. (Eeek – scary just to write it. Scary that I have that much to lose). It won’t be easy, but I want to say it here so you can all hold me accountable, and knock brownies out of my hand if you ever see me eating them.

I think dieting has probably contributed to my dismal milk production. That’s why I’m so glad that the herbal remedies have helped. I am attempting to eat healthily – not starving myself by any means – but I’m just trying not to go overboard with portions. The My Fitness Pal app is like my best friend these days, and even when I eat something terrible, I always, always record it. It’s like punishment, seeing it in black and white like that. It does help me pause before indulging.

I took lots of really scary “before” pictures, and I’m really looking forward to posting some inspiring “afters” before the springtime. My ultimate goal is to get into a bikini next summer without frightening any of the other beachgoers. Yes!

I think that about covers it for my life these days. Oh, and apologies for my lazy commenting lately. I promise I’m still reading, and commenting mentally, usually while hooked up to my lovely pumping machine. But then I get home and the thought of logging onto my computer and going back through previously viewed blog posts to comment is just exhausting. I’m sorry… I suck. But I still love you.

Sep 15

the no-time-to-post post

Sep 15

I really wanted to blog tonight. I start to feel guilty when a week goes by without a post, especially since I’m composing so many in my head all the time. But now it’ s like 10:30 and I know my little one is gonna be screaming her head off by 5, so I need to be quick about it.

Saturday Molly was baptized, and it was one of those days that turned out so well I was pretty sure that I was watching it happen to someone else, because no way was I that lucky. It was a little chilly, but the rain held off. She was an angel for the whole thing… didn’t cry or fuss one time, not even when the priest poured water on her head or when she had her first little taste of wine (I’m Eastern Rite Catholic – which is pretty much exactly like Russian Orthodox, except Catholic. So in addition to being baptized, babies are also confirmed and get their first communion all at once. And wouldn’t you know it – she seemed to like the wine!). Everyone came back to my mom’s house and ate and socialized and had a good time, plus we had just the right amount of food (which yes, is a thing for me).

Today I figured I’d have plenty of time to write a deep, insightful post and catch up on everything that’s been going on, like how my milk is drying up since I went back to work (Waaaahhh!) and various other things. But then I had church followed by breakfast followed by Target followed by falling asleep while breastfeeding, and then we had to run to Eric’s sister’s house for his nephew’s birthday party. Then I came home to a mountain of laundry to fold, lunches to pack, and general little chores to do before putting Molly to bed. And hey, whattaya know, before I can blink it’s Sunday night at 10:30pm and I’ve done nothing I wanted to do. No insightful blog post. Still haven’t updated her baby book or put her photos in frames like I’ve been meaning to. There really aren’t enough hours in the day.

It’s time for bed. But before I go, here’s a few pictures of what’s been going on with us. Apologies to any Facebook/Insta friends who are probably really sick of seeing the same ones over and over. :)

Wearing a dress that her great great grandmother made for my mother to wear in 1963

Costume change, post-baptism. Is this not the cutest outfit in the world?

Eagles pride!

Tell me this kid doesn’t have the cutest sad face ever!

Sep 03

mommy must haves (newborn – 2 months)

Sep 03

These are just opinions, of course, but this is what’s worked for us so far. Please note that I took care to find photos (and product links) of the exact products that I really have, same patterns and all. You know… for authenticity’s sake.

Here they are in no particular order:

1) aden + anais muslin swaddle wraps

With a summer baby, you’ll want a blanket that shields from the air conditioner’s icy blast while still remaining lightweight enough to take out into the humidity. Somehow, this achieves both, plus it’s the perfect size for making those oh-so-helpful baby burritos. I never worried about her overheating in her footie pajamas when I swaddled with these, even while camping in the heat of July. I included the brand name only because these are the only ones that I’ve seen. Pricey, yes, but in my opinion they’re totally worth it.

2) Medela nipple shield

I affectionately call this, “my nipple,” or, “my shield,” and have been known to say things like, “Eric, can you help me find my nipple? I left it on the coffee table and now it’s gone. I think the dog might have grabbed it.”

Without this little invention I can say with confidence that breastfeeding would not have worked for us. Two and a half months in and the girl is still using it. At first my lactation consultant blamed Molly’s failure to latch on her small mouth, but now I would say it’s more like laziness (the nipple shield makes it much easier for her). I know breastfeeding purists often scoff at these, and I understand why – it is unnnatural. But the beauty of the nipple shield is that it helps uncooperative babies get on the boob, and isn’t that the ultimate goal? In the hospital I was hooked up with my SNS tubes and sobbing because she wouldn’t eat. I was one mental breakdown away from totally giving up, despite how badly I wanted to breastfeed her. Finding this little device was like discovering the holy grail. It worked, it got her onto my boob, and we still got to enjoy the bonding and skin to skin contact. Should I be actively trying to wean her off of it? Yes. But going back to work has drained all my energy and at this point it’s easier to just give in and use it. It works for us for now, so I’m not messing with it.

My biggest complaint is the need to always have one on hand (God forbid I leave home without it), and how it’s kind of a pain in the ass to get it positioned just right when I’m feeding her on the run (in the Maya wrap, while walking around at a music festival, etc.). But since this is the only way I’ve ever breastfed, it was easy enough to adapt and get used to it. In other words…I have nothing to compare it to, so to me, it’s just normal. I’m sure breastfeeding sans shield will be a welcome surprise.

3) Rock ‘n’ Play Sleeper

I actually have two of these that someone gave me (Thanks, Toni!). So one of them stays at home, and one stays at my sister’s house for when she’s there during the week. This thing is AWESOME. We use it for those times we need to put her down but we can’t put her on the floor or even on her boppy saucer thing because I’m always afraid the dogs will trample her (not on purpose, of course, but just because they don’t know any better). It keeps her out of harm’s way, yet it’s lightweight and easy to carry from room to room. I bring it in the bathroom with me to put her in while I’m showering when the two of us are home alone. We brought it camping and to the beach – it disassembles into several pieces and fits nicely into a tightly packed car. There is a recall due to a mold issue after washing the fabric insert, but so far we haven’t had to wash it at all, so I don’t even care. I know she will outgrow it soon, but for now this thing is essential.

4) Bassinet

I’m not ready for Molly to be in her crib yet, but co-sleeping is simply not an option with our tiny queen-sized bed (and the dog who still sleeps in it with us). I have the bassinet set up right next to my side of the bed, and even though Molly sleeps through the night, I wake up 3-4 times MINIMUM and throw my hand onto her chest to make sure she’s still breathing. Every single night. So yeah… it’s much easier to maintain this habit without having to get out of bed and creep into her room across the hall. For now, the bassinett is where it’s at.

5) Honest Company bath gel and lotion

All of our bath products were gifts, so I’ve had the luxury of trying out several different brands without spending any money. I love the smell of this one, and it’s organic, too.

6) Boogin Head pacifier clip

Do pacifiers grow legs and walk away? Honestly. Molly isn’t really into the pacifier, but there are times when she needs it (and we need it), like when she’s overly tired and just can’t fall asleep or when she’s pissed off about being strapped into the car seat. Despite the fact that I’ve been doing a decent job of keeping the house clean (which I’m assuming will get much harder once she’s walking and strewing toys about), I always seem to lose pacis. It’s nice to know that there’s always one clipped to her carseat for emergencies.

7) Simple Wishes Hands-Free Breastpump Bra

I spent my first couple of days pumping without this, and now all I can think is, how silly! Someone at work insisted that I had to buy one so that I could at least keep myself entertained during pump sessions by going on my phone (not an option when you’re holding the suction thingies on both your boobs). So I went from staring at a wall for ten minutes during pump time to actually forgetting what I was doing and sometimes even going a minute or two past my set time! If you have to pump, this thing is 100% necessary. It’s $33, eligible for Amazon prime, and delivered to your doorstep. Done.

8) Britax B-Agile Travel System

Maybe I’m in a different tax bracket or something, but the majority of stroller recommendations on the blogs I’ve read have been wayyyyy out of my price range. What I needed was a good quality, middle of the road option that folded up easily. I also wanted a stroller/carseat combo, because it just seemed logical. We went into the store with no expectations or preferences and ended up picking out the one that the store associate recommended and pushed hard for. So far, I’m very pleased with it. Not an UPPAbaby… but I like it. And at less than $400 for the whole kit and caboodle, it doesn’t require a second mortgage. I call that a win. (Bonus: this was a baby shower gift, so for us, it was VERY affordable, haha).

9) Maya wrap

I’m all for discounts and savings and all, but here is something pricey (in my opinion) that was worth every friggin penny. I LOVE my Maya wrap. That’s not to discount the Moby… which is also pretty great… but as so many before me have pointed out, Moby is a pain in the ass to take on the go because it’s a little complicated to wrap and it drags on the ground while you’re getting it ready. I used the Moby a lot when I was on maternity leave and was just hanging out at home, vacuuming and stuff. The Maya is more versatile because you can just put it in your bag and – BONUS POINTS – it works well with breastfeeding. While we were on vacation at the beach, our morning trek to the ocean always coincided with Molly’s feeding time. But that was OK, because all I did was snuggle her in the Maya wrap and breastfeed while walking down the street. It was so awesome and convenient! I got my money’s worth during that week alone. Now, I throw it in my bag no matter where we’re going. I can be at a picnic and hold her and still have use of both hands, which is really invaluable when you’re trying to walk around with a plate of food AND a frosty beverage. It’s lightweight and easy enough to just add to the wash. Yes, I took a chance and got the cream colored fabric, because I thought it was pretty. So far it’s not too dirty, and wouldn’t you know it, spit up breastmilk blends right in. If you’re on the fence for a baby carrier that’s suitable for a newborn, my vote is Maya all the way.

That’s all I can think of for now! I’m sure this list will change, so expect to see another one in a few months.

Aug 27

a day in the life (2-month-old edition)

Aug 27

I love these. Sometimes they make me sigh with recognition, and sometimes they make me laugh because they are SO far-fetched (and usually in those cases, enviable). Anyway, I thought it would be fun to make one of my own.

4:30-5:00AM

I wake up to the sound of crying. Multiple attempts to ignore the crying don’t work, and eventually I give in and get out of bed, taking care not to wake the sleeping dogs and sleeping husband. Inevitably, at least one dog wakes up and looks at me plaintively, wondering if I’ll take him out. I respond by shutting the bedroom door in his face.

5:05AM

Diaper change. Molly is usually sleepy and yawn-y and adorable. She only cries when I have the audacity sneak in a bathroom visit before feeding her.

5:10AM

Breastfeeding, take one. We sit on the couch, with all the lights off except the lamp we keep on 24/7 to deter burglars, and bond over Molly’s breakfast time. Sometimes, depending on how early we started this ritual, we both doze off for 15-20 minutes.

5:40AM

We wake up when Eric gets up and lets the dogs out of the bedroom. It’s hard to stay asleep with Bird jumping all over you, licking your face. She’s used to it by now though, and usually falls back to sleep fairly quickly.

6:00AM

I hand off the sleepy/sleeping baby to Eric and run for the shower, knowing that I have a limited amount of time before she wakes up and starts crying again.

6:10AM

Shower over. Baby stirring.

6:12AM

Baby starts getting fussy. Turn on the blow dryer and hope it soothes her back to sleep.

6:15AM

The blow dryer plan worked, but once it’s turned off, she wakes up again. I hurry through my makeup application and try desperately to remember to put on deodorant. Molly is now crying in earnest as I rush to the bedroom and throw on the first thing I see that fits and is appropriate for an office setting (no easy feat). There’s no time for jewelry selection or anything that might waste precious moments, so I just wear the same necklace every day, or nothing at all. I hastily make the bed to keep Ryder from chewing apart the down comforter while we’re at work (this has happened several times, and a tightly made bed seems to deter his feather craving).

6:30AM

Eric hands off Molly so he can go get in the shower. At this point I have two options – either strap her in her carseat and listen to her scream while I get stuff ready to go, or put her in her Rock ‘n Play and listen to her scream while I get stuff ready to go. I usually opt for the former so at least I’m one step closer to getting out the door.

6:30-6:45AM

Feed the fish, add last minute items to lunches, set out lunches, make my coffee, pack bottles, put on my shoes, find my phone, make a smoothie, put away miscellaneous dog bones, straighten up, double and triple check that I have everything, gather it all up in my arms, head for the exit. All while she’s screaming.

6:45-7AM

Drive to Ashley’s house. Her screaming quiets the moment I put the car in drive. I narrowly avoid hitting trees/other drivers because I can’t stop staring at her perfect little face in the mirror.

7AM

Arrive at Ashley’s intact. Molly is usually lightly sleeping by this point. I wake her up, pop out a boob, and settle into “my” recliner.

7:00-7:30AM

Breastfeeding, take two. Chat with Ashley and children. Reluctantly start trying to pry the baby off starting around half past 7, but usually end up leaving late.

7:35AM

Leave for work. Feel immediate sense of guilt/longing/wistfulness/sadness/envy.

8AM-5:30PM

Workity work, work, work. Obsessively check text messages for cute pics from my sister (and there are always a few). Check in often. Continue to feel wistful. Add in three pump sessions, and call it a day.

5:34PM

It takes me exactly four minutes to get from my desk chair to my car, and that’s not fast enough. I can practically hear her tiny tummy rumbling from miles away. Plus, by this point I miss her terribly.

5:50PM

Get a call from Eric (baby crying in the background): “Will you be home soon, Mommy? Someone is HUNGRY today.”

6:00PM

Begin disrobing on the trip from the car to the front door. Drop everything in the front hall, tear off my shirt and bra, and sit down to feed my hungry little love.

6:00-7:00PM

Breastfeeding, take three. Attempt to satisfy her insatiable hunger as mine continues to grow. Did you know that breastfeeding makes you hungry?

7:00PM

Hand her off to Eric and head into the kitchen.

7:15PM

Baby starts to fuss. How is that possible? I was supposed to be cooking dinner but all I’ve managed to do is unpack her bottles and put away half the rack of clean dishes.

7:30PM

Contemplate ordering a pizza.

7:31PM

Decide we can’t have pizza again. Whip together some semblance of a balanced meal while simultaneously washing dishes and utensils as I dirty them so that the sink doesn’t fill up again.

7:45PM

Dinner is ready. Molly is crying.

7:50PM

I shovel food in my mouth while she screams and Eric complains about not being able to feed her. I feel horribly guilty for making her wait, and also inexplicably guilty for his inability to breastfeed. Somehow I know it’s all my fault.

7:53PM

Breastfeeding, take four.

8:00-9:30PM

Intermittent breastfeeding between attempting to get things done. It goes a little like this: I feed her until she dozes off, sneak away to quickly pack lunches or put away leftovers, and run back to her when she starts crying (usually in 15-20 minute increments). This is what we call her “hungry time.” Yes, she sleeps through the night, but she certainly takes care to fill up her tummy prior to bedtime. This little window is also the only time I have to blog, which is why it usually doesn’t happen. Eric always tries to hold and comfort her, but inevitably she only wants one thing – milk. And that’s the one thing he can’t give her.

9:30-10:00PM

One last breastfeeding session to “top her off” and then it’s time for PJs and bed. Even if she’s wide awake at this point, she is really good at putting herself to sleep in her bassinet. All I do is swaddle her tightly, kiss her little face, and turn on her Sleep Sheep. Within ten minutes, she’s totally zonked out.

10:00PM

Back out in the living room, I contemplate tackling one of the numerous items on my to-do list.

10:01PM

Say to myself, “Screw it, I’ll do it tomorrow.” Know deep down that this will never happen.

10:10PM

Fall asleep before my head hits the pillow.

Aug 26

it did get better

Aug 26

Well, everyone was right. I cried the first day back to work, but not the second. One week in and I’m already used to it. I guess you just do what ya gotta do.

But instead of writing a post, I decided to do a post in pictures to show you exactly why this situation is working out so well. And without further ado… here’s last week.

This was how Addison (Molly’s cousin) reacted to waking up and seeing her at my sister’s house:

Addi loves helping Aunt Ashley take care of the baby. She helps with the bottle…

She reads to her…

She even shares her dinosaur.

Sometimes naptime can get a little loud, but Molly knows just what to do.

Other times, naptime is quiet, especially when cousin Avery is sleeping, too.

Molly’s cousins like to get chocolate on her, and sometimes it gets on her pretty outfit. Then Aunt Ashley has to do some laundry.

Meanwhile, at work, Mommy does stuff like this:

It’s always a good day for tummy time!

Or for just hanging out and being adorable.

Did I mention how much Molly loves being outside? She especially loves to rock on the porch and wait for Daddy to pick her up. And sometimes this happens:

After Molly leaves, her cousins miss her. But that’s OK, because they found someone to keep her rocker warm while she’s not there.

Now… do you see why I’m not so sad anymore?

Aug 19

it’s been a hard day

Aug 19

First, since I finalllly sent out her birth announcements, I can show them off here:

And how amazing is this photo? I guess she’s going to like Star Wars (whether she likes it or not!)

Unbearable cuteness…that’s what I had to leave at home.

In many ways it was better than I thought, but in many ways it was worse.

I really wanted to try not to cry, but the waterworks started during her first feeding at 5 am. Dropping her off wasn’t that bad because it was my sister’s house, not a daycare center. That really, really helped. (I did cry… but only a little bit).

Work was so much busier than I had anticipated, and it made the day fly by. I didn’t get to wade back into my routine – I got pushed in, full force. I had 1,600 emails to sort and a new desk to set up. I had a pumping schedule to figure out. I had picture texts of my baby to check hourly. Before I knew it, the day was close to done.

So that was good. But going from a full day of Molly to a full day of work was weird. I FaceTimed with her at lunch, but in retrospect that probably wasn’t the best idea. The sound of my voice made her turn her head from side to side looking for me. That made my heart hurt (and made me cry, obviously).

This whole working mom thing… it’s not for me. I’d be just as happy barefoot and pregnant in a kitchen (while being treated as an equal to all men, obviously). But yeah. The pump is so cold and…unnatural. Everything about it is unnatural. Someone said that after going back to work, I’d be living for the weekends. Yeah, it’s only been a day, but I can totally see that. I’m hungering for Friday night. All day I dreamed of 5:30, and even though I’m freaking exhausted, I don’t want to go to sleep. I want to stare at her all night. I don’t want to waste a minute.

Because it is… it’s unnatural! We work all day to pay for these houses that we’re too tired to enjoy when we get home at night. We spend most of our time in them sleeping. Our family, the people we love the most, are the people we see the least. We spend our days with strangers who might become friends, sure, but they’re not flesh and blood. We sit at desks and stare at screens and get fat asses. It’s no way to live.

I love that I’m a writer. I’m grateful to have a job. But I miss my baby like hell and I wish I could do both. Plus, I found out today that my hours are really 8-5:30 despite the fact that for the last year I’ve been leaving at 5. Okayyyyyy…so now I’m getting home at 6. That’s 10.5 hours (counting my 7:30 morning departure, and assuming I don’t have to stop for groceries or anything). *Sigh.*

I know it will get better. Everyone keeps saying it will get better. Molly was fine, well-behaved even. Not fussy. My sister’s kids were beside themselves with excitement. They kept giving her toys and her cousin Addison was a little mommy, helping to change her diaper and give her her bottle.

Speaking of bottles – can I get advice from my fellow pumpers? Today at my sister’s house, Molly drank 15 ounces of frozen breastmilk. At work I pumped three times (at the insistence of a fellow coworker pumper, who claims that’s all I would need). All together I got 10 ounces. So… should I be pumping 4 times? I don’t want to run out, but if she’s drinking 15 ounces per day then I will soon. I’ll admit I was a little lazy about tracking how often she ate while I was home… mostly because I used nursing to soothe pretty often, so those weren’t really feedings. It just felt like I had a boob out 24/7, so this whole “schedule” thing is really throwing me.

OK, time to go enjoy my short time with my daughter. Also, how cute is her report card from today? Ha, my sister is crazy (but I love her).

Aug 14

don’t make me go…

Aug 14

I’m going back to work on Monday.

I’m going to admit something that anyone who has talked to me over the past few weeks might be surprised to hear: I can kind of understand why 6 weeks is the time when most moms go back. That doesn’t mean I agree with it. It just means I understand it.

When I was pregnant, I started dreading going back to work – before she was even born! Those first few weeks post-partum, it wasn’t even a thought. Even at 4 weeks, the thought of leaving her for any length of time was simply unfathomable. But right around the 6 week mark, I started to notice a marked change in her. She started holding her head up better. She finally started filling out. No longer the 4 lb, 4 ounce little peanut I brought home from the hospital, my baby was just less fragile in general. That didn’t mean I wanted to leave her… it just meant I started feeling like maybe I could and she would be OK.

I’ve been home for 8 weeks (one perk of a c-section…2 extra weeks to recover). It’s not enough time. Five years would not be enough time. Is the work I’m doing more important than spending my days with my daughter? NO. Do I need to work so that those days aren’t spent living in a cardboard box? Sigh… yes. I know it’s hard for every mom to go back, but I seriously think there should be some special grant or something that IF’ers could apply for to let them stay home longer and still collect an income. I fought like hell for 3.5 years for this child, and now that I finally have her, I have to leave her for the better part of her day. It’s just really unfair.

I think the other hard thing is that in this age of technology, it seems like most of us in the corporate world should be able to work from home most days. Especially since I’m a writer. Then at least I could see her during the day, even if I would need someone to watch her while I was working. Unfortunately, it’s not an option at my current place of employment. It’s just not something they do.

It’s funny – a week after having her, I was showing up at my mother-in-laws with a full face of makeup, house vacuumed and spotless, all by 10 am. These days I’ve been experiencing a kind of productivity regression. Maybe I’m mentally digging my toes in, refusing to do anything. Lately I’ve been showering every other day and only leaving home out of necessity. This morning Molly and I stayed in our pajamas until 10:30 making pancakes. These are the things that I’ll miss the most.

Every morning Eric cheerfully reminds me how many days I have left until I go back to work, and has been since a week ago. I think a part of him expects me to reply one day with a staunch refusal, and maybe he’s just testing me to see if I’m really planning on going. I know that I have to. I know it will suck, and then it will slowly get better until it feels normal. I guess that’s the problem – right now this feels normal, being with my daughter every minute of every day. I don’t want that to change. I don’t want anything else to feel normal.

This sucks.

Aug 06

oh… Bird

Aug 06

Anyone who has been following along for any length of time knows that Bird is my “problem child.” Lovable, yes, but also naughty. Prone to antics. (Remember this?) (And this?)

Well, this time it may not be his fault, but the incident caused us plenty of headaches nonetheless.

Every year when we go on vacation, we have to board our dogs at the kennel. Up until this year, we’ve taken them to the same place – it’s in town, it’s convenient, and it’s reputable. But part of me never felt good about it, mostly because the dogs are kept in large cages all day and night. Yes, part of the caged area is outside, so they can “enjoy the outdoors.” And yes, my dogs are kept in my bedroom for 8 hours a day during the work week usually, so it’s not really that different. But still. I always felt so bad leaving them there, especially since I was going to enjoy a beach vacation. Ryder would usually come home with some sort of physical proof of his anxiety, like last time when his paw was red and hairless from being chewed on all week.

So you can imagine my delight when a new kennel came to town a few months ago. Not only did they have open play for dogs (and doggy daycare), but boarders enjoyed luxury dog accommodations. They got their own little rooms with beds and windows (no cages). So all week while I was at the beach, my dogs would socialize with the other dogs, play on the outdoor kiddie toys, bathe in the multiple pools, and then go to sleep tired out and happy in their own private room. It was perfect! And I even managed to convince myself that it wasn’t THAT much more expensive than the other place (ahem… $200 more expensive. Eeesh).

I took the boys for a personality evaluation a week before we left to ensure they would get along with the other dogs, and of course they passed with flying colors. I left them there for a day of daycare, just to test the waters, and the owners raved over their awesome personalities and said they were welcome to come and play anytime. We left for the beach feeling really good about the whole situation. And zero guilt!

That is… until Wednesday. Early in the morning Eric got a phone call from the Pennsylvania Department of Health. They were calling to inform him that there was a complaint filed against Bird for biting someone. Eric assured the woman that there must be some mistake, as his dog was safely ensconced at a kennel and we were on vacation. And we had received no phone calls from the kennel.

Well.

Apparently it went down like this: one of the employees at the kennel left a bagel unattended (um, why was she eating a bagel around the dogs in the first place?). Bird and another dog, Fred, stole the bagel and started eating it. The employee removed Fred from the area, then attempted to take the bagel out of Bird’s mouth. So…he bit her.

Apparently he bit off the tip of her finger and she had to go to the hospital and get stitches. She wasn’t mad or anything, but since it was a dog bite it did need to get reported to the state. Luckily, the whole place is equipped with web cams (which we were able to view remotely, another huge selling point on this place), so the owners were able to view the incident and confirm that the employee handled it 100% incorrectly. The bite was reactive, not aggressive. They were totally on our side. But despite this, Bird had to be quarantined for the remainder of his stay, and he is never allowed back there for boarding or daycare.

Also, when we asked why the hell they didn’t call us, they said, “It is what it is. We didn’t want to ruin your vacation.”

Um…OK? Really? Because it wasn’t much better hearing it from the Board of Health, that’s for sure.

The whole thing just sucks big time. Because now, not only can we never go back to that place, but also Bird will have this mark on his permanent record forever. So we can never board him anywhere. Trust me, one of the first questions on any application for a kennel or doggy daycare is, “Has your dog ever bitten anyone?” and now we will always have to answer “Yes.” What are we supposed to do next year on vacation?

Because of the incident, the girl who got bit was fired. Not that I’m ever happy to hear about someone getting fired… but it sounds like she’d be better suited to a different profession anyway. Too late for us, though.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with this dog. But then something like this happens, and all is forgiven:

Aug 05

beach baby

Aug 05

Every year we go to Ocean City, Maryland on vacation.

It’s really the perfect place for us. No, it’s not classy – in fact, it’s cheesy and tourist-y and even garish at times. The boardwalk is loud and the shops are jam-packed with chintzy memorabilia that’s horribly overpriced. But we’ve been going since I was ten years old. What was once just my nuclear family vacation has grown over the years, and this year we had a record turnout – 36 people. My family, my extended family, and many member of Eric’s family. We spread out in five condos and took up a decent plot of land on the beach.

Every year Ocean City has been different. When I was ten, it was all about playing in the sand. When I was fifteen, it was all about dressing cute and walking up and down the boardwalk with my best friend, collecting phone numbers we knew we’d never call. When I was 21, I started going out to bars. Eric proposed to me in Ocean City (twice). Last year I was so, so sad. We drank in the condo a lot. There are a bunch of pictures of me on the beach, at night, trying to look peaceful. I know I keep saying this, but it’s just remarkable how different everything was this year. Everything I’d been imagining and wanting for so long finally happened.

Molly did great on the beach. There was one minor incident where sand got thrown in her face, but other than that the whole thing went off without a hitch. She slept in the car for most of the way there, and even though we hit traffic we only had to stop to feed her once. Oh, did I mention she’s been sleeping through the night since she was 4 weeks old? I know. I have no idea how I got so lucky. Every night I wait for it to stop abruptly, but so far she’s out from about 10 pm to 5 am. It’s so nice. Breastfeeding is also going better, and she’s slooowly starting to not rely on the nipple shield anymore. I bought a Maya wrap before vacation and every day I would nurse her in it on the walk to the beach. After a week, I started to get good at it. Hands-free nursing is so much easier and more convenient!

What else? Just two short weeks until I go back to work. So far I’ve only been separated from her for four hours at most. A full workday will definitely be an adjustment.

I swear I had more to say, but I’ve been waiting for two days to write this post. The hours pass by so quickly…and I’m trying to savor each and every one.

Here’s some vacation photos:

chillin’ in her beach chair

hanging out with the big kids

oh, my heart…

sleeping with Aunt Sarah

first dip of toes in the sea!

I searched far and wide for a hat that small

Jul 14

adventures in camping (with a newborn)

Jul 14

It’s funny to me how many people proclaimed that I was “brave” or “ambitious” to be camping with a newborn.

Maybe a little… but really, from what I’ve observed, I’d venture a guess that camping with a toddler or even a young child is a lot more ambitious. I mean, if I put Molly in her little rocker and turned my back for a second, I knew she’d still be sitting in that same rocker. Do the same thing with a 2-year-old, and she’d more than likely be riding a bear piggyback or something.

In other words, newborns are low maintenance. On our camping trip, she did the same things that she does at home – eat. sleep. poop. Yes, waking up to nurse in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night is not as comfy as doing the same in my own home, but still, we were in our camper. It’s not like we were tent camping.

It was very nice and relaxing, and we’re already making plans to go again and make good use of our new camper that we just purchased this year.

Here’s something I didn’t realize about our little camping excursion: one year ago last weekend, I was camping. I was also in the midst of a miscarriage. Sometimes I feel bad because I usually reference the miscarriage of the twins more often, and it almost seems like Baby Toast (who we lost on July 8th) is “forgotten about.” But how could I forget? This is a line from my post last year, the one entitled “camping and miscarriage are not mutually enjoyable”

It’s still possible to have a baby of our own to take camping next year. Far-fetched, perhaps, but possible.

I seriously want to go back in time and hug myself. I want to tell this sad, past version of myself that one year can make all the difference, and that camping will never be the same again. Then I want to show her (me) these pictures and say, “See? It all works out in the end.”

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