naughty Bird Archives - burnt toast life

Anyone who has been following along for any length of time knows that Bird is my “problem child.” Lovable, yes, but also naughty. Prone to antics. (Remember this?) (And this?)

Well, this time it may not be his fault, but the incident caused us plenty of headaches nonetheless.

Every year when we go on vacation, we have to board our dogs at the kennel. Up until this year, we’ve taken them to the same place – it’s in town, it’s convenient, and it’s reputable. But part of me never felt good about it, mostly because the dogs are kept in large cages all day and night. Yes, part of the caged area is outside, so they can “enjoy the outdoors.” And yes, my dogs are kept in my bedroom for 8 hours a day during the work week usually, so it’s not really that different. But still. I always felt so bad leaving them there, especially since I was going to enjoy a beach vacation. Ryder would usually come home with some sort of physical proof of his anxiety, like last time when his paw was red and hairless from being chewed on all week.

So you can imagine my delight when a new kennel came to town a few months ago. Not only did they have open play for dogs (and doggy daycare), but boarders enjoyed luxury dog accommodations. They got their own little rooms with beds and windows (no cages). So all week while I was at the beach, my dogs would socialize with the other dogs, play on the outdoor kiddie toys, bathe in the multiple pools, and then go to sleep tired out and happy in their own private room. It was perfect! And I even managed to convince myself that it wasn’t THAT much more expensive than the other place (ahem… $200 more expensive. Eeesh).

I took the boys for a personality evaluation a week before we left to ensure they would get along with the other dogs, and of course they passed with flying colors. I left them there for a day of daycare, just to test the waters, and the owners raved over their awesome personalities and said they were welcome to come and play anytime. We left for the beach feeling really good about the whole situation. And zero guilt!

That is… until Wednesday. Early in the morning Eric got a phone call from the Pennsylvania Department of Health. They were calling to inform him that there was a complaint filed against Bird for biting someone. Eric assured the woman that there must be some mistake, as his dog was safely ensconced at a kennel and we were on vacation. And we had received no phone calls from the kennel.

Well.

Apparently it went down like this: one of the employees at the kennel left a bagel unattended (um, why was she eating a bagel around the dogs in the first place?). Bird and another dog, Fred, stole the bagel and started eating it. The employee removed Fred from the area, then attempted to take the bagel out of Bird’s mouth. So…he bit her.

Apparently he bit off the tip of her finger and she had to go to the hospital and get stitches. She wasn’t mad or anything, but since it was a dog bite it did need to get reported to the state. Luckily, the whole place is equipped with web cams (which we were able to view remotely, another huge selling point on this place), so the owners were able to view the incident and confirm that the employee handled it 100% incorrectly. The bite was reactive, not aggressive. They were totally on our side. But despite this, Bird had to be quarantined for the remainder of his stay, and he is never allowed back there for boarding or daycare.

Also, when we asked why the hell they didn’t call us, they said, “It is what it is. We didn’t want to ruin your vacation.”

Um…OK? Really? Because it wasn’t much better hearing it from the Board of Health, that’s for sure.

The whole thing just sucks big time. Because now, not only can we never go back to that place, but also Bird will have this mark on his permanent record forever. So we can never board him anywhere. Trust me, one of the first questions on any application for a kennel or doggy daycare is, “Has your dog ever bitten anyone?” and now we will always have to answer “Yes.” What are we supposed to do next year on vacation?

Because of the incident, the girl who got bit was fired. Not that I’m ever happy to hear about someone getting fired… but it sounds like she’d be better suited to a different profession anyway. Too late for us, though.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with this dog. But then something like this happens, and all is forgiven:

All in all, our house is not so bad. It’s not the “forever home” that I hope to one day have. Eric and I (surprisingly) agree that it will be a farm, or at least a turn-of-the-century farmhouse, with more than 5 acres, lots of animals, and tons of character. I think my worst nightmare would be living in a McMansion of any kind, even if I could afford one. I want charm oozing out of the plaster and lath exposed beam walls. I want a rich tapestry of history. I would even settle for a few good-natured ghosts, if that’s what it took.

But back to this house. It’s your typical 60’s rancher, with the added bonus of a walkout basement so you can kind of pretend it’s two stories. When we first came to look at it, we were expecting a 2-bedroom as advertised. Imagine our surprise at finding an entire third undisclosed bedroom, which I guess is technically just a “room” since there is no closet, but it’s in the hall with the other bedrooms. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck…

our house in spring: it’s pretty cute

There are a lot of things I don’t care for and a lot of things I’ve come to not mind so much. When we first moved in, I obsessed over the hideous interior doors. I thought for sure that my retinas would burn out of my skull if I had to endure their ugliness for longer than a week. This did not happen. I wouldn’t say I like the doors now, but I certainly don’t notice them like I did at first.

There is one intolerable problem. When we first moved in, the bathroom was just an outdated eyesore. Now, thanks to our dog, it’s become the quintessential crackhouse bathroom. Please see below for photographic evidence.

welcome to ugly

You’ll notice right off the bat (if you’re not legally blind) that I am missing half of the floor. Well, let me tell you a little something about Bird. Bird does not like being closed up in small spaces. When Bird does not like something, he’s not afraid to tell you about it – in his own way. I documented how this happened back in May of last year with Naughty Bird & the stinky chickens.

But the floor (or lack thereof) is only part of the problem here. So many other issues plague this bathroom that I often gaze upon it with a feeling of hopelessness. I’m at my wits end.

Here are some close-ups:

a light switch – outside of the bathroom? I’m sure that makes sense to someone.

this ugly door features a hole – maybe someone really really REALLY had to go?

Even Anne Geddes can’t save this bathroom

A sink that’s not connected to the wall in any way

what, you don't want to take a shower here?

care for a shower?

please excuse the mildew

too bad the lovely butterfly wallpaper is peeling

our living room doesn’t have a fan or overhead light… but our bathroom sure does!

yup, a hole in the floor and a professional patch job

prettiest medicine cabinet that I ever did see

Why am I posting this? Well, my deepest desire is that this blog post will go viral and someone from Bath Crashers will say, “By George! This is the most challenging yet rewarding project that we could ever hope to undertake! Although we are only casting in the LA metro area (as usual, because clearly those are the only people who need bathroom makeovers), we are going to make this onetime exception and fly 3,000 miles to REDO THIS BATHROOM! Just for the THRILL OF IT.”

It makes sense, really. The bathroom is just dripping with potential. First of all, I’m not sure if the photos do it justice, but it’s HUGE. There is plenty of space to do what we want, including a separate shower and tub, a double vanity, an in-room linen closet and even some extra room for ballroom dancing lessons. Space is a huge one on the plus side.

So why don’t we just do it ourselves? Well, first of all, I’m not 100% certain our marriage could survive another home reno project (the kitchen cabinets were the trial run for that, and let’s just say… it didn’t go well). Neither of us is a professional contractor. Eric is handy, but he’s also a perfectionist. I think he even wants a professional to do the work. And that brings us to the real reason – $$$$$$$. I’m sure you’ve heard that bathroom renovations are somewhat pricey. We both agree that just doing one or two little things that we can afford would be a waste, especially since we would just have to redo those things when the real renovation got going.

So we continue to suffer in the crackhouse bathroom. I find myself apologizing for it when people come over and cringing when someone asks, “So where’s the bathroom?” I always throw in the “Bird ripped up the floor! Ha-HA!” disclaimer, but it’s just sounding like a tired excuse. So if you see any bathroom makeover project contests or know a professional contractor who does charity work for his/her portfolio, please let me know. In the meantime… please don’t laugh at me (to my face, anyway).

closeup of the floor with the culprit (at right)

oh… Bird

the world’s ugliest bathroom: a photo assemblage