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May 17

the happiest morning

May 17

I’ll be honest – the inspiration for this post came from a Scary Mommy article about being happy.

And I’m realizing now how often I reference that site, when the truth is I don’t even like it that much, but Facebook seems to think I do so the posts are constantly in my news feed. I click on articles (from boredom), which further proves Facebook correct, and so the vicious cycle continues when in fact I would gladly click on other things if they were to show up in my feed. Which is why I (along with most people I talk to) kind of mostly hate Facebook and their stupid algorithms.

But I digress.

Similarly to how every month during Molly’s first year felt like, “the best month ever,” I feel like I’ve hit a high point of happiness lately. That’s why I rarely post anymore. Who the hell wants to hear about happy stuff all the time? My sad posts have triple as many readers and comments as my happy ones. Every post this year has fewer page views than the one before it. It’s like this blog is dwindling down to nothing, and it sucks, because I like this blog a lot.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately. Remember those themed posts I mentioned last time? You might be seeing those as contributor posts on other blogs in addition to here. I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not I should start a new blog, actually, but I’m very nervous to leave this space and the loyal followers I’ve acquired. I like it here… I just need to figure out what this blog is going to be now. I want it to be more than sporadic monthly updates with a bunch of photos thrown in at the end. I’d like it to be something with a little more depth. But what that is, I’m not exactly sure.

Anyway, the full discussion about happiness can wait, but I wanted to share a little story in the meantime.

Two nights ago, we transitioned Molly to a toddler bed (her crib converted to a daybed) and moved Liam into her room (now their room). Prior to this, he had been sleeping next to my bed in the RNP. It was easier that way because he’s still waking up once or twice a night to eat, despite the fact that I’m giving him 6 ounce bottles every couple hours in addition to solid foods, which we started a few weeks ago (he’s not a fan of carrots, but he does love those prunes). But from all that eating he’s getting way too big for the RNP. It was time for a change.

As expected, Molly was overjoyed to have the baby sleeping in a crib next to her. She seemed unimpressed by the whole big girl bed thing, despite my attempts to hype it up. It was really cute though when we had the front part of her crib taken off and she came running into the room, gasped dramatically, and said, “Oh no, Mommy! The night night is broken!”

That first night could not have gone better… at least at first. I laid them both down, they smiled at me sweetly and “posed” for a photo, and within ten minutes they were both fast asleep. I thought to myself, “Seriously? Am I really this lucky?”

nursery

But this is real life, so yeah, that didn’t last long. Liam is getting over a cold he caught from Molly and thanks to post nasal drip, he has developed a persistent little cough along with his stuffy nose. He woke himself up coughing a couple hours after I laid him down, and since he was still congested, I brought him back into our room to sleep in the RNP so he could be elevated and breathe more easily.

Last night was a little trickier. I put Molly to bed at her normal time (8PM) and even though he was fussy, I put Liam down also. In no time at all they were both screaming. Awesome. So I went and retrieved Liam to put him in his swing in the living room. Molly was still whining but I figured she might just need a few minutes to adjust. Eric and I settled in to catch up on Game of Thrones. Liam was zonked out in the swing almost instantly.

A few minutes went by.

Then, we heard the pitter patter of little running feet. Guess who figured out how to get out of her new, bar-free bed? She came running down the hall elated, holding her iPhone aloft while proudly declaring, “Mommy, I did it!”

Did what? Escaped the bed? Unplugged the iPhone from the charger? All of the above? It was all so unclear.

I put her back to bed but she started screaming. Resigned, and wanting to see the crazy scene from GOT everyone was jabbering about Monday, I let her come hang out with us on the couch for a bit. After a few stolen bites of Chex Mix, some couch jumping, and apple juice, she decided Jon Snow was super boring and started demanding Peppa Pig.

Uh… no.

So I put her back to bed again and this time she screamed and cried. I’d love to be able to ignore that, but I just can’t enjoy myself while she’s crying. Normally I would go sit in the rocking chair in her room until she fell asleep, but since it was so late already, I decided to be a top-notch parent and let her play on her phone in bed until she fell asleep. I know, I know, so awful. But…Daenerys!

After our show ended, Eric went to check on her to make sure she had passed out. Yeah, not so much. But at that point she was tired enough to let him take the phone away without complaint. Meanwhile, I moved Liam into our room, skipping the crib altogether because he was still super stuffy. And maybe I missed him in our room. Ok, so I’m having a little separation anxiety. But also, he does legitimately have a cold.

This is all a long-winded intro to what happened this morning, when I realized how ridiculously happy I am. Molly woke up way early at 5 and I heard her get out of bed to come find me. I fetched her from the hall and pulled her into our bed. This commotion woke up Liam, so the three of us hung out in bed together cuddling and talking for the next hour until my alarm went off (“Mommy! It’s the beep beep!”). And for that hour, I was definitely the happiest I’ve ever been.

I’ve talked about this before – nostalgia for the present. Happy moments that are tinged with sad because I know how precious they are and how much I’ll miss them one day. Everything about that hour this morning was so magical… not because it was some special day, but really because it wasn’t a special day. Nothing significant happened. I can’t even remember what we talked about. I do know it involved a lot of baby kisses, giggles, and silly songs. It was a random Tuesday morning that was so normal, but somehow it turned out to be perfect. Do I like waking up an hour before my alarm goes off? Hell no. Would I gladly do it every day if it means having mornings like that? Yes, a thousand times yes.

I’m also often torn in these moments because I don’t know if I should enjoy them or record them. The thing is, I remember thinking I’d never forget how Molly was at each stage, but I do. Going through old videos is so weird because I can only picture her as she is right now. Seeing her as a baby makes me smile, but that’s not the person I picture when I think about her. So long story short, I like having those old videos on hand to remind me of how she used to be. Eventually I did shoot a short video of our morning cuddle fest because I just couldn’t help myself.

And I don’t care if I lose more followers or if this post gets no comments or reactions because it’s too happy. This is just how it is. Right now, today, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Not the richest, not the thinnest, not the youngest. Not the least stressed out. Just… happy.

Damn happy.

this about sums it up

this about sums it up

Posted by amanda 8 Comments
Filed Under: parenting mishaps, the little things Tagged: happy

Mar 16

Liam, the giant baby

Mar 16

The other day a coworker found out I had a blog, and asked what I blogged about. It was actually a hard question to answer. In many ways I feel like this blog has an identity crisis. Usually I just say “lifestyle blog” when someone asks me that question, but I always clarify that I used to blog about infertility. For some reason I wear that as a badge of honor. At least back then I knew what the hell I was talking about.

Not having a purpose makes it harder to come up with posts. The weeks slip by and I start to feel guilty over not posting. Not because I have legions of adoring fans wondering where I’ve been (though honestly, I must, right?!), but more because I’m supposed to be a writer. Writing is my favorite thing to do in downtime (supposedly), and yet something that comes so easy when times are hard is next to impossible when times are good. It’s frustrating. Not that I should complain about being happy, but here I am…

What’s new? What’s shaking? Much of the same. Molly is absolutely amazing in every way, as usual. She continues to surprise and delight both of us with an independence that’s well beyond her years. What happened to my little baby girl?! My mom remarked the other night when we were over for dinner that Molly isn’t the least bit jealous of Liam because in Molly’s eyes, she’s not a baby, so why bother competing for attention with one? She thinks of herself as a Big Girl. She speaks in full sentences (sometimes with gibberish thrown in, but mostly coherent), follows commands (or at least comprehends commands and willfully disobeys them), and fawns over her brother like a little mother hen.

The other day Liam was fussing in the next room while I was trying to get ready for the day. Eric was around but ignoring/not hearing his cries, and since Liam is the second child, I didn’t drop my mascara wand immediately to go tend to his needs. After a couple minutes, Molly came into the bathroom and said, “Oh no, Mommy. Baby cry.” (Yeah, kid, like I can’t hear that.) I told her I would get to him in a minute. Thirty seconds later I heard him go silent, and then, miraculously, the sound of uncontrollable giggles coming from both of them. In that moment, I’m pretty sure I was the happiest that I’ve ever been, ever.

Next week we have our big family ski trip in Vermont, which seems to grow every year. We’re basically taking over an entire building of condos this time. Since it was such a mild winter, we’re not expecting any kind of world class skiing, but it’ll be fun to mess around and best of all I’m almost positive that they’ll have skis small enough for Molly. Obviously she’s too young for a proper lesson but we do want to pull her around a little on the bunny slope so she can get a feel for it. And take a bajillion photos, obvi.

Weight loss is slow and steady because I’m actually doing it the healthy way with diet and exercise. Sucks, right? I need some illegal diet pills or something because I’m super impatient. To date, I’m 20 lbs down from when I gave birth. Every day of eating clean feels easier than the day before to the point that if you waved a box of Thin Mints under my nose right now, I don’t even think I’d want one. We’ll see how long I can keep this up.

Liam is humongous. It’s weird because Molly was so petite. Still is, actually. The girl does nothing but eat but when I put her on the scale she weighed a scant 20.5 lbs. Meanwhile, Liam the Giant Baby weighs 16 lbs. Seriously! He’s already fully filling out his 6 month clothes (he’ll be 4 months old on Easter Sunday) and I had to switch him up to size 3 diapers because his size 2’s have been leaving imprints in his thigh fat rolls. In related news, there was a funky smell coming from under his chin(s), which turned out to be a rash and dirt hidden beneath all the chub. Disgusting, yet, hilarious!

The funny thing is that I think Liam eats less than she did at that age. She was eating constantly – I remember breastfeeding being such a time consuming endeavor. It felt like the minute I was done feeding it was almost time for the next go-round. With Liam, I feed him for anywhere from 10-15 minutes and he’s good. He’s just very efficient, I guess. We still have him sleeping in the Rock ‘n’ Play in our room, but frankly it’s getting hard to lift him into bed at night to nurse when I’m half-asleep. I just don’t have the upper body strength for it! He usually only wakes up one to two times per night, and is only up long enough to eat, which is very nice and I truly can’t complain.

Sorry guys, not much else. We have a bunch of super fun Easter-y activities this weekend, such as breakfast with the Easter Bunny at Wegmans on Saturday and then back-to-back egg hunts on Sunday morning. Fun times all around. Adorable photos to follow.

Hope all of you are having a great week!

that's one fat baby

that’s one fat baby

Posted by amanda 3 Comments
Filed Under: milestones, monthly updates, the little things

Mar 01

savasana = fail

Mar 01

As I mentioned last post, I’ve been reaping the benefits of the company gym now that I’m back at work. I do yoga Monday/Wednesday and Pilates Tuesday/Thursday. I love our yoga class – I was actually doing it well into my third trimester while pregnant with Liam. The instructor is the sweetest woman (she’s pixie sized, but claims she weighed 200 lbs while pregnant and then lost all the weight doing yoga. I’m skeptical, yet intrigued). The class is mildly challenging but not too intense. It’s such a nice break in the day.

In general, my mind is constantly going a million miles a minute. When I first began my practice, Savasana was so difficult. It took every ounce of strength I had not to laugh. Clearing my mind was next to impossible. But as the weeks and months went on, I got better and better at it. Eventually, I was able to (mostly) quiet my inner monologue and enjoy a few moments of total peace.

Aside for non-yogis:
“Savasana might look like a nap at the end of your yoga practice. But it’s actually a fully conscious pose aimed at being awake, yet completely relaxed. In Savasana—also known as corpse pose— you lie down on your back and relax your body and mind so you may fully assimilate the benefits of your asana practice.” –source

But not today. I don’t know what it was about today, but for some reason I felt like one of those dolls whose eyes open when you sit them up, except backwards. When it was time for Savasana, I tried to clear my mind and relax, but every couple seconds my eyes popped back open. I felt electric. I could barely lie still, let alone relax. In the space of 5 minutes, inside my head, this is what happened:

At what temperature should I reheat that casserole for dinner?
Why the hell won’t Molly say please and thank you?
It’s like, embarrassing.
Do I have bad manners in front of her?
No, I definitely say please.
Seriously, no more cookies unless she says please.
And no more grapes.
That’ll teach her.
If we ever refinish the basement, we should line the entire thing with built-in shelves.
Build them right into the wall.
How cool would that be?
I need to put all of the Steel Hawks home games on my calendar.
Is it seriously March already?
Dammit, why won’t that craigslist lady write back to my email?
I bet she sold those end tables to someone else, that bitch.
They were so freaking cute.
And cheap.
Craigslist is so fickle.
I really want to go for a walk today.
It’s finally sort of nice out.
But I have that 3 o’clock, and I bet it will run over.
Why do I even bother setting my step goal so high?
It is really nice when I hit it.
I cannot wait to find out if Krista is having a boy or a girl.
I bet they induce her next week.
I’m going to wait to find out the gender of the next one.
Even if Eric won’t.
He’ll totally slip and tell me.
And that’ll make me mad.
But seriously, we have plenty of clothes either way.
I should definitely go through all of them again and put them in nicer boxes.
Mouse proof boxes.
Actually I need to reorganize the whole attic.
And have a yard sale.
But when?
May is ideal.
But so busy.
Seriously, whatever’s left is going out to the trash.
I’m so over it.
Why did I marry a hoarder?
Without me, he’d be on that show, I swear.
It’s maddening yet endearing.
I save stuff too, I guess.
Like do I really need my high school notebooks?
Yes.
They’re funny.
I can’t believe we used to pass notes.
Like, paper notes.
Kids today won’t have those memories with texting.
Not like you save old texts.
Or can you?
I could go on Shark Tank with an app that prints out text conversations so you can save them.
I bet that already exists.
And wastes paper.
Crap, I never texted my sister today to check on the kids.
I’m the worst mom.
It’s OK.
They don’t even know.
I’m sure they’re fine.
Kohl’s cash starts tomorrow.
I don’t want any more clothes in this size.
But I have nothing to wear.
eBay or poshmark for my rejected clothes?
Poshmark intimidates me.
I really want to create a capsule.
But like, a nice one.
I need to get rid of all my Target clothes.
Isn’t 31 too old to have the majority of my clothes come from Target?
I’m not sure where 31 year olds with minimal budgets are supposed to shop.
Forever 31?
Not like I have time to shop.
Will my ski pants fit in 3 weeks for skiing?
If they don’t, whose can I borrow?
I do see a difference.
A little bit.
Baby steps.
But I’m afraid to try the pants on again.
Are we done here yet?
I really need to pee.

Posted by amanda 2 Comments
Filed Under: miscellany, the little things Tagged: savasana

Nov 14

fat, broke, and toothless… but the curtains are fabulous

Nov 14

Nesting… it’s no joke.

As of today I am 39 weeks pregnant. Seven days until baby boy is due to make his grand appearance. It goes without saying that I’ve been vacuuming daily, keeping the sink empty at all times, and wandering around the house aimlessly, Swiffer duster in hand, ready to attack any and all dust particles that dare to cross my path. Yesterday, however, I took it one step further.

I’ve had major beef with the curtain industry for years. I think curtains are a huge racket and have been Pinterest-ing my little butt off, trying to come up with cost-effective curtain hacks whenever I can.

When it comes down to it, curtains are simply rectangles of fabric – nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes they have fancy details like grommets but most of the time they don’t. So why do curtain panels cost so damn much?

Venture into your average Bed, Bath, & Beyond and you’re likely to find a wealth of options when it comes to curtains. But if you’re looking for floor to ceiling panels, you can expect to pay around $40 – per panel! And that’s an average. I’ve seen panels for upwards of $80 each. And no, they’re not woven with gold thread and mermaid hair. I just don’t get it.

Even Target – dear, beloved Target – has very few options under $20/panel. The $14.99 options are really chintzy and ugly. So yeah. I’ve been on this curtain mission, because unfortunately, in my absolutely-illogical-39 weeks pregnant-and-nesting-frenzy, I decided I needed to replace all the curtains in my home. Immediately.

Since Molly and baby boy are sharing a room, I already knew I’d need to replace those curtains since they are pink and lacy. But back when I was slightly more sane a few weeks ago, I figured I had some time, because it’s not like he’s going to get home from the hospital and turn up his little newborn nose at pink lace. We still haven’t even set up the crib, for heaven’s sake. The actual room share is still months away. Still, I had been halfheartedly looking for new curtain options because like I said, I refuse to be made a fool of by the big, bad, curtain industry. So every time I shopped I checked clearance racks and my personal favorite curtain hack treasure trove – shower curtains.

Molly's frilly pink curtains

Molly’s frilly pink curtains

Yes, seriously, shower curtains! Those pink lace curtains I hung up for Molly weren’t actually curtains… they were shower curtains purchased from BBB after an exhaustive search. At $30/each they were still more than I wanted to spend, but yes I did justify splurging just a little at the time. And since they are so wide, I only needed two rather than four.

To hang shower curtains as window curtains, you’ll just need a few packs of cafe clips (found anywhere they sell curtains). They come in packs of 7, which is slightly annoying because I feel like four on each side could work well but three on one side and four on the other just doesn’t cut it. For two windows, I ended up using 3 packs (21 total clips, five per window with one extra), and it turned out just how I wanted.

Hunting the aisles of Target on Thursday afternoon I found them – two green shower curtains, on clearance for $7.48 each. All I did was cut them in half and voila – four curtain panels for $3.74 each. You just can’t beat that! I actually spent more on the cafe clips to hang them than I did on the curtains themselves.

I love the shower curtain trick because they usually have awesome patterns, and like I said, they are very wide and one curtain will easily transform into two panels. If you want to get fancy, you can go to a craft store and purchase iron-on hem tape to hide the cut edge, OR, if you’re in a rush like I was, you can just tuck the cut edge behind and vow to do a proper hemming later. Whatevs.

Here’s how they turned out:

green curtains

Next up… master bedroom. We had green curtains which I decided just didn’t match the gray walls. I actually found *real* and affordable curtains at Christmas Tree Shops months ago and just hadn’t gotten around to hanging them yet. So these curtains were essentially “free” (the same way anything you buy and put away and find again later is free). Christmas Tree Shops is hit or miss… they always have good prices, but the quality is not always great. All of the sheers you see in the photos are from there – $6.99 each. Yes, great. The gray panels I used in the bedroom were $7.99 each and very nice and heavy, light blocking even. Upon closer inspection of the packaging I realized why… they were originally $40/panel at Kohls, so apparently CTS must have bought them to resell. Score!

I will admit that these were the easiest to hang and the ones that look the best because they didn’t need to be altered or anything. But finding deals is basically a full-time job, and I just ain’t got time for that.

Bedroom:

gray curtains

One more room to reinvent… the living room. The curtains I had hanging there were raw silk Pottery Barn panels that I’m sure cost someone, somewhere a fortune and that I found at a gigantic flea market a few years ago. When I bought them, we had a tan couch. Now our couches are green and our curtains are a slightly different shade of green and HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED TO LIVE IN THAT KIND OF WORLD WITH A BABY COMING?! (Nesting. Nesting is a real, bizarre thing).

Ok, so here I improvised and I’m not sure I’m in love with the results, but it is better than the green clashing situation I had going prior. I bought a tablecloth from Target over the summer and absolutely love the pattern, but it was way too big for our table and it was annoying that the sides basically dragged on the floor. I put it away with the intention of one day maybe turning it into curtains because, as I said, anytime I have large yardage of any kind of fabric that’s where my mind goes. I pulled my little trick of cutting it in half and hanging the two panels with cafe hooks, but the problem with the tablecloth is that it’s not as wide as the shower curtains, so the panels are a little flimsy (especially for such a large window). Oh, well. Again, I only spent $14.99 on one tablecloth, and since I bought it over the summer, this living room curtain makeover was “free.” (minus the growing cost of cafe clips).

Here it is:

living room curtains

The kitchen curtains got to stay. The dining room curtains also got to stay simply because the dining room is impassable these days and is basically being used as a storage area (unassembled crib included). The bathroom has NO CURTAINS, which yes, causes me daily grief. But you’d be surprised how much energy it took to change just the three rooms I’ve mentioned. I had PTO to use, which is why I had off yesterday, and of course made a giant list of things to do and accomplished fewer than half of them. “Get down on hands and knees and scrub kitchen floor” along with “repaint all the trim” got bumped. Possibly to January.

What else? This is super gross/embarrassing, but hey, I’ll share anyway. Wednesday afternoon I was sitting there at work, minding my own business and snacking on a Starburst (as one does) when all of the sudden I heard a CRACK! and out popped my tooth. My tooth!

Ok, so it was a crown but still… EW! I genuinely had no idea what to do in that moment. I quickly went outside and called my dentist who agreed to take a look that afternoon to see if he could save it. But here’s the messed up part – I went there, broken crown cradled in a napkin, and he strode into the room and declared it couldn’t be fixed even before looking in my mouth or taking an x-ray. It’s like, wtf buddy, why did you get my hopes up and make me rush over if you knew it couldn’t be repaired from the get-go?

He recommended me to an oral surgeon who was kind enough to see me the next day (Thursday). I had already planned on embarking on ‘mission: new curtains’ since I had scheduled a half day at work, but instead chose to go for the consult to see if Mr. Oral Surgeon could do the extraction/repair/new implant before baby boy made his debut. Coordinating that kind of thing with a newborn and a toddler just sounded less than appealing, you know? So instead of going shopping after work like I wanted, I hightailed it over to the surgeon and was once again disappointed. All I did was sit my ass in the chair and he came in all, “Well, we would like to wait to do the extraction until after you give birth because then we can use stronger drugs.” Ok, so… what the hell?? Again, he knew I was 9 months pregnant when I scheduled the consult, so if he was just going to tell me I had to wait, why make me come in for the appointment? I mean, obviously the answer is $$$$. Clearly he doesn’t realize/care that I’d rather be spending my hard-earned cash on new curtains than on pointless dentist visits.

So here I sit… fat, broke, and toothless. I mean, basically. It’s the molar all the way in the back, so it’s not like anyone can see it. I was also informed that implants are upwards of $5,000, so I’ll have to figure out if that’s worth it after all. Probably not.

Adult problems are fun, aren’t they?

Now it’s Saturday and I don’t have much on the agenda besides cleaning (more) and awaiting the arrival of this child. I got checked on Friday and I’m still 1cm dilated, 50% effaced. Thursday night I was having horrific contractions that I was convinced were the real deal, but then of course they weren’t.

Maybe I’ll make it to the 24th? One can only hope… I do need that money. I have new curtains and new teeth to buy.

Here’s Molly, getting in some practice:

the best big sister EVER

the best big sister EVER

Posted by amanda 2 Comments
Filed Under: miscellany, pregnancy, the little things Tagged: 39 weeks, curtain conspiracy, curtain hacks, curtains, nesting

Sep 28

knives are sharp, and other revelations

Sep 28

First, I want to collectively thank everyone who commented on my last post. I know I should take the time to compose individual responses, but I don’t know if there’s anything left to say that hasn’t been said. I feel for each and every one of you who shared your stories, publicly and privately. I pray that we all receive the strength we need to take it one day at a time and to realize that other people’s actions are beyond our control. The optimist in me was horrified but the cynic in me was not at all surprised by just how many people have been affected by addiction. At least we can find comfort in the fact that we aren’t alone.

On to other things, though. I’m pretty excited it’s almost October because I’m so basic white girl when it comes to pumpkin everything, sweater/boot combos, and Halloween activities. Last year we got to take Molly to the pumpkin patch but it was windy and cold and she had no clue what was going on – I’m even more excited this year that she can toddle around and maybe even pick out a pumpkin of her own.

Today at work we had a pumpkin carving photo shoot for our blog and to use as creative for upcoming fall emails and social media posts. One of the big perks was that everyone who participated got a carving knife to keep. I joined in because – YAY, FALL, PUMPKINS! – and also – FREE STUFF! Things were going great until the very end when someone slipped and cut their finger with the very sharp knife. Literally 5 minutes later, it happened again to another person. I was mostly done with my design, internally wondering why people were having such a hard time keeping hold of the very efficient, very handy knives, when… you guessed it… my hand slipped and I cut open my thumb. Cut open my thumb as in, I saw the inside of my thumb. And had to go to the ER.

It’s so funny how I used to be freaked out by the sight of blood and this little episode barely phased me. I think motherhood has made me much less squeamish. And that’s good, because now I’m thinking I could handle it if Molly got hurt – something I was afraid of before. (I mean, I’m still afraid of her getting hurt, but now I know I won’t like pass out if she’s bleeding or something).

It hurt but I’ll survive. I ended up needing 4 stitches – and not counting my c-section (if that counts?), I’ve never had stitches before! That’s a first. The only thing that sucks is that I can’t take any good painkillers. And we all known Tylenol does n-o-t-h-i-n-g.

Oh and thanks to me (and the others too, I suppose), pumpkin carving is now officially banned as a work activity.

Happy almost-October, y’all! Watch out for those carving knives.

Posted by amanda 3 Comments
Filed Under: miscellany, the little things Tagged: fall, October, pumpkin everything

Sep 18

in defense of making it up as you go along

Sep 18

Yesterday at lunch a friend asked about Molly’s sleep habits.

She has been a really good sleeper for most of her life, sleeping through the night early on and after a mild bout of 4 month sleep regression and some hiccups while teething, back on track and going to bed between 7 and 8 most nights and waking up around 6:30. The friend in this scenario has a 4-year-old who has never been a great sleeper and who still isn’t. But I can guarantee that has nothing to do with parenting skills and everything to do with luck.

My experience with parenting has been short, but I also think I’ve learned a lot, and here I can sum up everything I know in just a short phrase: There is no right or wrong. All you need to do is love your children.

Molly is a good sleeper because she is a good sleeper. I’ve read nothing on sleep training, I never hired a night nurse to help out, and I don’t think I’ve even Googled tips and tricks that much (because I never really had to). Music actually turned out to be the thing that helped most with signaling bedtime for her, which isn’t even something I found out on my own (my MIL discovered that trick while babysitting her once). But all this talk of sleeping/not sleeping got me thinking.

Every time I go to a baby shower and am solicited for parenting advice for the new mom, I write a variation of the same thing:

“All I can really tell you is that you need to love that baby with your whole heart, and trust your instincts, and everything else will fall into place.”

It’s so true, isn’t it? And none of us really know what the hell we’re doing, especially not the first time around.

I will never forget when Molly was just under a week old and we brought her to church. This was a huge deal because I very rarely convince Eric to attend church with me, but since I had a c-section and couldn’t drive, and wanted to show off the baby, to church we went as a family of three.

Everything went fine but then afterwards at breakfast, we realized that we forgot the nursing cover (and this was well before I felt comfortable whipping my boobs out for all to see), and the nipple shield, and I think also diapers. So we rushed out of the restaurant, bellies empty, with a red-faced, screaming newborn, and put the pedal to the metal (while still trying to drive safely) to make it home as quickly as possible to take care of our new daughter’s urgent need to eat. We laughed together about how green we were with the whole parenting thing.

Despite the fact that going out to breakfast that day was an epic fail, I remember feeling very close to my husband in that moment, very much like, “Well, we may suck at it sometimes, but at least we’re in this together.”

This is probably the pregnancy hormones making me sappy, but lately I’ve been noticing Eric a lot more, and feeling grateful for how involved he is. I was going to write this whole long post about it the other night on Facebook but 1) I know those posts are annoying, it’s totally humble-bragging and 2) he actually ended up needing to go to his mom’s house, leaving me alone to deal with dinner and bedtime, which made the immediate feeling to get all lovey-dovey pass.

Overall though, he is such a great dad, and I feel like I want to let him know that more often than just in mid-June when I’m supposed to tell him. Example – when we got Molly’s 1 year photos done, he was constantly just behind the camera, doing all these silly antics to make her laugh and smile. The photographer was the one who pointed out that seeing a dad that involved and that good at making the baby happy just wasn’t too common. Maybe I’m so used to it, I didn’t even notice. That’s just how he is with her.

I’m definitely the default parent, but still, he 100% knows her routines and moods and likes and dislikes. If there’s ever a night I’m not going to be home, I don’t need to worry about leaving a long list of instructions (sometimes I do leave one, because I’m a control freak, but the point is that I don’t NEED to). He knows that first thing every morning she wants a cup of water and some strawberries and then probably scrambled eggs if it’s the weekend. The other day I overheard him saying, “Oh Molly, you give the best hugs in the world,” as she clung on to him. And yeah, my eyes may have gotten a little misty. He loves her so much, and he makes such a great dad.

Ok so somehow I ended up on this mushy-gushy tangent when really I was talking about parenting. Anyway. So we had the whole sleep discussion and I felt a sense of relief that Molly is such a great sleeper and always has been. But of course the universe was listening and was like, “Ha, ha, not so fast!” Last night Molly woke up crying around 11pm (rare) and multiple attempts to get her back to sleep by both myself and Eric were unsuccessful (even more rare). After the third or fourth time of replacing her binky, rubbing her back, and making sure her lullabies were playing, Eric turned to me and said, “So what should we do?”

Once again, it brought me back to that day over a year ago, when we were driving home from church with the screaming baby, laughing at all the things we didn’t know. Of course I didn’t have the answer, and he didn’t have the answer, and we still don’t have it all figured out, but one thing we do have is this gigantically huge amount of love for our daughter.

I knew no matter what we chose to do last night, it would be the right answer… for right then. So he got up and got her and brought her into our bed. We spent the next couple of hours not sleeping as she tossed and turned and head-butted and generally took up way more space than any small person should take up in a queen sized bed.

We don’t have the answers. We’ll probably never get it absolutely right. But we love that little girl (and also this little boy!) so damn much that it’s ok – we’re all going to survive this.

Now please enjoy the fact that I’m a creeper who takes photos of my sleeping family:

Not sure how I could love anything more

Not sure how I could love anything more

Posted by amanda 3 Comments
Filed Under: miscellany, parenting mishaps, the little things Tagged: advice, parenting

Aug 27

nights like this are hard

Aug 27

Nights like this? Not fun.

Nights when she’s overtired and screaming at me for no reason other than sheer exhaustion.

When I know she had a great time all day thanks to text updates from my sister, but I missed it. I had to work, so I missed the best of her and only got what was left over… the worn out, ready for bed little girl. This happens more times than I can count.

When she won’t eat her dinner. Which is really unlike her.

When I try to keep her awake, because for God’s sake I only get to spend two hours with her in the evenings before bedtime, so I put on the movie I know she dances to at my sister’s house but she’s not even into it. Because she’s too tired.

When I get super overemotional over all of this and cry and cry because dammit… pregnancy hormones.

Tomorrow will be better. She’ll take a better nap, and maybe I can get her to stay up until 8.

Tomorrow will be better because it’s Friday.

And then the weekend – two full days I get to spend with my favorite girl. Truly, I live for it.

Tomorrow will be better.

But tonight just kind of sucks.

the sleepiest girl

the sleepiest girl

Posted by amanda 12 Comments
Filed Under: parenting mishaps, the little things Tagged: working mom

May 20

the second one is so different

May 20

I’m feeling very guilty about this pregnancy in general.

It’s inevitable, isn’t it? There’s so much fuss and fanfare with the first, especially when that first is preceded by so much loss, hope, and heartbreak. Every single moment of my pregnancy with Molly felt like a miracle. I walked around in a constant state of awe and gratitude. And to some extent, this pregnancy is even more miraculous – I mean, against all odds, against any expectation or inkling or dream I dared to dream, it happened. So I’m trying to figure out why it’s just not the same.

Someone recently requested new bump photos be added to the “bump” on this blog… how awful is it that I didn’t even think to do that? I will eventually. My belly popped out at like 7 weeks and not much has changed since then. I look like I’m 13 weeks, but I have for many weeks leading up to actual 13 weeks. As of today I am 13 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

I just remember being so freaked out over setting up Molly’s nursery – thinking about it even before I hit the midway mark. For this one my sister-in-law has been eagerly texting me with nursery sets listed for sale, as I think, “Crib? Yeah, I guess we’ll get a crib…”

I’m trying to figure out if this calmness is because I (sort of… kind of…maybe) know what I’m doing this time around and know what to expect, or if it’s just because it was such a shock that I’m not believing it’s really going to happen. For example, the crib – Molly slept in her bassinet for the first few months, as I’m sure this one will too. So realistically I don’t have to buckle down and worry about a crib until next year. Plus, my sister has an old one she’s willing to give me. As for the rest of the furniture… the nursery is already set up, and if it’s a girl, we are really set to go because I have a bajillion clothes in my attic (though they’re all the wrong season – grr).

We have a 3 bedroom house but one is set up as Eric’s office/man cave and I just don’t see where else to put all that stuff. So for now, the babies will be sharing the room. I’m anxious to see if he goes apeshit crazy if it is a boy and decides to throw all his office paraphernalia in the basement to build his son the ultimate boy room… time will tell. My gut is still saying girl. Girl or boy, the walls of the nursery are green, and I guess we can swap out the pink lace curtains if the revelation of a son does not properly motivate my husband.

I went for a sequential screen at the Perinatal Center today even though I didn’t opt to have one with Molly. It’s something that they push at my OB/GYN office and let’s be honest – I’m a sucker for extra ultrasounds. Everything for baby measured right on track and no issues to report. I don’t know if they all just look alike at this stage but my goodness, one look at the photo and it felt like deja vu. Like, hang on a sec… I’ve had this baby before.

Molly on top, new baby on bottom:

twinsies!

twinsies!

I hung the photo up at my desk and I’ve been catching a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye and smiling all day. The further along I get, the more “real” it’s becoming. It may not be the same as my last pregnancy, but it’s incredibly special… in a different way.

Posted by amanda 11 Comments
Filed Under: parenting mishaps, pregnancy, the little things Tagged: second baby

May 08

weekend update

May 08

Apologies in advance to Facebook and Insta friends who will probably find these photos redundant.

It’s been a bit of a whirlwind week. Last Saturday, Molly, my MIL, and I accompanied Eric to a conference in Washington DC as a bit of a summer kick-off mini vacay. We could not have asked for better weather, and the hotel/convention center we stayed in was positively gorgeous. It was nice to take a little break and recharge the batteries.

conf1

On Sunday we all got to hang out since the conference didn’t kick off until the evening. We took a ferry ride over to Downtown Alexandria and walked around. Molly loved the boat.

conf2

Monday Eric was stuck conferencing all day, so my MIL and I (along with Eric’s colleague’s wife and their daughter) headed to the National Zoo in DC. Molly was such a trooper, even with being stuck in her stroller all day – thank the Lord she doesn’t mind napping in there. Her favorite part of the day BY FAR was riding the carousel.

conf3

Tuesday we went downtown to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History (did you know they have the Hope Diamond?) and then walked and walked for many hours and miles to see a few of the monuments/historical points of interest. The highlight of the day was finding amaaaaazing gluten-free pizza that’s worth a return trip all by itself.

conf4

Our last day was Wednesday – my birthday – and truly it was underwhelming. Welcome to 31, right? We had a huge and delicious breakfast, checked out of the hotel, drove the 4 hours home, and then just kind of sat around. I’m not sure what I was expecting… I guess I’ve reached a point where a birthday is just another day. But at least I wasn’t at work.

Today I had another ultrasound – all looks good, heart rate 176. Since everything went well at my morning appointment, we did make it Facebook official with this photo –

bigsis

One thing really annoying that happened this weekend? KATE MIDDLETON STOLE MY GIRL’S NAME. I seriously had my heart set on Charlotte and when I heard it was a contender for her, my stomach sank, because I knew that’s the one they would choose. This is a name I fell in love with way back in 2013 when I was pregnant the first time! In other words… long before it became a princess name. Blah. And before you say, “Just use it anyway,” know that I’m dead set on not choosing any top 50 names (and come on, the popularity of Charlotte is about to explode), but I also don’t want anything too out of left field. That’s a task that’s a lot harder than it sounds! Oh, and I’d prefer to stay away from names that end in a “y” sound, because I don’t want it to be too matchy-matchy with Molly. So it’s a tough decision all around.

First world problems, right?

Any name suggestions, send them along! I know Eric wants a boy (and we have a boy name), but my gut is telling me that it’s a girl.

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

Posted by amanda 10 Comments
Filed Under: monthly updates, parenting mishaps, pregnancy, the little things Tagged: big sister, Charlotte, facebook official, weekend update

Apr 20

weekend update: Lilly for Target, house hunting, and finding out I’m actually (internet) famous

Apr 20

Howdy, y’all!

Sorry, I suddenly feel the need to talk more Southern now because… Lilly Pulitzer for Target? Have you guys heard about this craziness?

For all those of you living under a rock (hee hee), the Lilly Pulitzer for Target collection debuted on Sunday, and the lines outside rivaled (or surpassed) Black Friday. Racks cleared in minutes. Items up on eBay for 4 times the price the same day. It was nuts.

the line (or as some said, the yoga pants convention)

the line (or as some said, the yoga pants convention)

I’ll be honest: I’m not into LP. I like bright, fun summer colors and prints, and I’ve seen some stuff that’s cute, but by no means am I a brand follower. I was talking to my sister-in-law Saturday night and she mentioned that she was heading to our local Target at 6:30am to stand in line for this event. I thought that was a little nuts… but at the same time, I was intrigued, simply because I get super anxious/frantic over bargains and also things that other people are passionate about. As much as I would love to turn up my nose and sneer that I don’t care and it’s all pointless (which let’s be honest, it is)… I started getting a little excited and told her I was going to join in.

Molly for Lilly: worth the trip

Molly for Lilly: worth the trip

I went with the intention of getting flip flops, and I did. One bonus of being pregnant at the moment is that I knew none of the summer clothes would fit anyway, and Lord only knows what size I’ll be next year. So, I did manage to duck underneath the mass of clamboring women and grab the flip flops I wanted, plus score a sun hat and a really cute dress and hat for Molly. I grabbed a straw bag just because I could, then stood there for like 20 minutes debating it even though I knew I didn’t REALLY want it, I just wanted it because everyone else wanted it. I kept saying to myself, “Pretend you are alone and no one else wants this bag and Lilly Pulitzer is a mere figment of the imagination. Are you buying the bag?” The answer, of course, was no and I did finally put it back (well, actually, I handed it to the amped up woman standing next to me who saw me gesture towards the empty rack and asked in a loud voice, “DO YOU NOT WANT THE BAG?” before eagerly snatching it up for herself. I’m telling you – this whole thing was just absurd.)

Anyway. So then Sunday we went to look for a house even though we’re totally not ready to buy a house. I can’t remember if I’ve blogged about this before – I compose all these posts in my head and can never keep track of which ones actually make it to publish status and which ones stay trapped in my imagination forever.

Here’s the reality: if there was some profession where I could just look at houses day in and day out and somehow make money doing it, I swear I’d be a millionaire (and don’t say realtor, because I don’t want to sell them or deal with people… I just want to LOOK at them). I am obsessed with looking at houses. Obsessed. Some people spend all of their free time on Facebook… I spend mine on realtor.com. It’s by far the most used app on my phone. At any given moment, I could recite the specs, list prices, and quirks of every single house for sale in my town without having to think about it.

I’m not sure why this is. It might actually be related to the whole Lilly Pulitzer bandwagon thing – I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on a bargain. But more than that I just love house hunting. In elementary school I used to check floor plan books out of the library – all the time – and read them for fun, dreaming of my future home. I was an odd child.

The truth is, our current house is in our desired town, but it’s on the way outskirts and it’s not in our desired school district. We got it for a really good price and I have every confidence that we will make a profit on the sale, especially with the upgrades we’ve done. When we bought it, there were multiple offers and it sold in 3 days flat. That just proves to me that we underpaid, and if anything, the market has gotten better since then. But there’s that pesky school district problem and Molly’s just getting older…. I don’t know. In a perfect world we would send her to private school, but I’m not sure we’ll be able to afford that. Unless they invent the “looking at houses” career, in which case I will be making more money than I know how to spend.

We’re friends with our realtor and he’s very well acquainted with my particular type of crazy, so he took us to see the house despite the fact that 1) ours isn’t on the market and is nowhere near ready to go on the market and 2) it was clearly overpriced. We arrived at the showing and there was another couple there looking at it… and during the showing (during which the homeowner followed us around and was offended when I asked if there was hardwood under the carpet, probably because there wasn’t) no fewer than 3 more couples showed up. It made me feel that familiar anxiety over wanting to get something everyone else wanted even though I didn’t even want the thing that much.

The three of us (Eric, our realtor, and me) eventually declared the house “janky” and left it to the rest of those couples to battle out. I have no doubt they’ll have multiple offers in no time. It was very telling, though. Everyone wants that school district and 4 bedrooms. When we really do find “the one,” we need to be better prepared to act quickly.

So then later on I got a really awesome message from an old friend. I’ll relay it below.

sarah message 1 edited

sarah message 2 edited

I mean, how freaking cool is that? I’m an internet sensation! (Haha, hardly). But truly, this is why I do this. Because if I can inspire and offer hope to just one person – just one – then it’s totally worth putting it all out there and potentially making a fool of myself.

Hope you’re all having a fantastic Monday. If anyone else has any Lilly for Target stories, please share, so I don’t feel like the only materialistic psychopath around here. :)

Posted by amanda 7 Comments
Filed Under: miscellany, monthly updates, the little things Tagged: house hunting, lilly for target, weekend update

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hello, my name is deeda


sister, daughter, wife, and mama to 5 sweet children on earth, 4 in heaven. self-conscious writer. voracious reader. sarcasm enthusiast. dependable Taurus. lover of broken things. reluctant adult. FOMO sufferer. drinker of coffee. burner of toast.

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