burnt toast life

boy oh boy

For those of you who missed my last little photo update and my multiple social media posts – it’s a boy! Whoa. Color me surprised.

It’s not just that I can’t picture having a boy – it’s that Eric wanted one so badly that I was convinced there was no way he was going to get his way (I don’t know why, that’s just how my brain works). As for me, I really didn’t care either way – all I ever wanted was to have one daughter, and after that, I’d be just as happy to have ten boys. Well, not really. You know.

The other day I was listening to the radio and they were discussing families with a whole lot of just one gender. People were calling in describing their situations – 6 girls, 7 boys, etc. Then one gentleman called in and said his grandfather, who was born in 1900, was one of 13 BOYS. 13! What are the odds of that happening?!

I’m happy, of course, but it also took a few days to wrap my head around it. I’m having a son. We were both so convinced it was a girl that we spent a fair amount of time debating our girl name, and finally settling on one.

As for a boy name… if Molly would have been a boy, we would have gone with Teagan, which is a name that I still absolutely love. However, a family friend who we see quite often just had a baby girl a few weeks ago and named her Teagan. At first we were like, whatever, we’ll just use it anyway. But now that it’s been confirmed that it’s actually a boy in there, we (especially Eric) are having second thoughts about sticking with Teagan. It will be confusing, and they’ll be the same age, basically. I don’t know. The only other name we agree on is like one of the most popular names in America right now, and you all know how I feel about that! I’m hoping some sort of naming epiphany will happen between now and November. Too bad I get my best ideas after a few glasses of wine… that’s something that won’t be happening anytime soon.

I should have known it was a boy. For one thing, he is much more active than Molly was at this stage – lots of movement going on in there. Also, I crave eggs and meat, not really sweets. And perhaps on a related note, even though I’m definitely eating more, I haven’t gained nearly as much as I did last time at this point (only 10 pounds so far at 22 weeks), and I’m not gaining all over my body like before either. It’s all belly.

In other news, next Friday we FINALLY leave for our annual family beach vacation. It seriously feels like we’ve been counting down to this for a million years, it’s all we’ve talked about for months now. I don’t know why we need a vacation so badly this year, all I know is that it’s probably going to be extra brutal to come home from it. I am beyond excited that Molly will actually get to have fun this year, as opposed to last year when she just laid in her chair and traumatically got sand kicked in her face.

Molly… oh, I love that girl. She is now a very sturdy stander, even without holding onto anything, but she staunchly refuses to take that first step. As my sister correctly pointed out, she won’t do anything until she is absolutely sure of herself. So true. So she’ll stand there clapping and smiling, clearly proud of her standing ability, but even when I discreetly scootch away and reach out my arms, she lowers back down to crawl mode before coming towards me.

I’m trying to figure out if all the “Mama” and “Dada” counted as first words, or if her first word is actually, “mouth.” She is still obsessed with pointing to her mouth, my mouth, and everyone else’s mouth and saying, “Mow.” All of the other body parts – nose, knees, ears, all of them – are completely uninteresting, but as for mouth, she’s all about it. Maybe it’s because she loves to eat so much?

Ok, guess that’s all for now. Gotta go work on my vacation packing list! Here’s a few summer snapshots to tide you over until my obligatory beach recap post:

summer is for parties - and rompers!

summer is for parties – and rompers!

daddy and Molly share a cold treat

daddy and Molly share a cold treat

yay glasses!

yay glasses!

my beautiful girl

my beautiful girl

pool days are the best days

pool days are the best days

ready for da beach

ready for da beach

mmm.... Nutella!

mmm…. Nutella!

very VBAC

It must be your lucky week, because you’ll be hearing from me TWICE! Oh yeahhhh! (yes, the gender reveal is tomorrow, and clearly I’ll be writing a post about it).

But today I’m thinking less about pink vs. blue and more about logistics. Namely… VBAC.

For those of you not familiar, VBAC is the fun acronym used to describe a “vaginal birth after c-section.” Assuming everything continues to go well, I fully intend to attempt this. There are several reasons why:

-I really, really want to experience childbirth. The entirety of my birth plan for Molly was “not a c-section.” Obviously, that didn’t go to plan. But for good reason.
-I am the eldest of 5 children, and I was actually a c-section. All 4 of the others were not. So my mom really set the precedent for VBAC success for me.
-My doctor said I was a good candidate for it. Everything about Molly’s labor was going fantastically (until it wasn’t). Good transitions, nice wide pelvis, etc, etc.
-The risk of uterine rupture (the first thing I picture when I think of complications) is less than 1% with a low-transverse uterine incision.
-Shorter recovery time.
-I’ll immediately get to bond with my baby, not get a quick peek at him/her and then have to wait an hour to actually hold him/her.
-If all goes to plan, this will not be my last pregnancy. And the more c-sections you have, the less likely you are to have a successful VBAC.
-My chance of having another placental abruption is only minimally increased since I’ve already had one.
-If anything goes wrong, I know a c-section is still an option. I trust my OB/GYN and was impressed with how well everything was handled with my first delivery.

I’ve been researching this extensively every since I found out I was pregnant. I feel like the Dr. Internet has been overwhelmingly supportive of VBACs, and like most sites I’ve been on have been trying to talk me into it, not out of it. Obviously that’s not why I’m doing it – the biggest reason is because my doctor herself was so supportive – but it did feel good to see that most people were pro-VBAC, dispelling myths and whatnot.

I think the thing giving me pause is that the births will only be 17 months apart, and all of the literature I’ve seen recommends waiting 18 months before attempting a VBAC. Now, is 1 month realllly going to make a huge difference? I doubt it. But I wish I wasn’t on the borderline like that. My sister and I are 5 years apart (plus, my mom had me at 21. So I’m pretty sure her body bounced back a lot quicker than mine did).

And I’ll be even more disappointed if this does end up a c-section because everyone says scheduled sections are much easier than unscheduled. But still, it’s worth the gamble to me.

Any insight? Even if you have a horror story, please share. Like I said, the internet is full of encouragement, and I know there must be another side to it…

ah, yes, I remember this

Ugh, it’s so hard to blog when there’s nothing dramatic going on. A Facebook follower just “poked” me and asked how it was going, and only then did I realize it’s been far too long since I sent an update. I’m sorry.

The little crouton is doing well, or so I would imagine. I have another ultrasound on Thursday afternoon to check progress. But something pretty cool happened yesterday – I was sitting through a particularly long meeting, and while sitting still for a prolonged period of time, I felt my first twinges of fetal movement. I remember with Molly I didn’t feel it until late – 18 weeks. But they say second time moms feel it sooner, probably because they know what it feels like. It was pretty cool. I felt it a little today, too, and I have to say that part is still pretty amazing.

In other news… it’s June… and my (other) baby is turning one in just a few weeks. Can you freaking believe it? I’m not saying it flew by, because it really didn’t – I’m just amazed at what a big girl she’s getting to be. She’s a pro at feeding herself and eats basically anything we eat – steak, potatoes, veggies, you name it. Scrambled eggs are still her favorite thing, along with yogurt, hot dogs, watermelon, pizza, and bananas. She’s still not walking, and not even pulling up to standing, but she can get halfway up. If you help her out, she’s very good at holding onto something and standing, and you can tell she’s very proud of herself when she’s doing it.

We’re at a point now where I don’t think she will ever crawl – but she is proficient at getting around by tucking her leg under herself and scooting around on her butt. She’s gotten pretty quick about it – turn your back for one second and she’ll be 2 rooms away in the kitchen, alternately dropping pieces dog food into their water bowl and eating it (true story).

Speaking of which – she’s finally getting teeth! Her front two cut through and are slowly making their descent. Which is good, because I was seriously starting to worry she’d need baby dentures. Which sounds funny in theory but is probably quite expensive.

Eric’s sister had a baby boy over the weekend and we went to visit him in the hospital. 1) Holy shit, you forget how tiny newborns are. Molly looked like a monster next to him. 2) Molly was NOT PLEASED that mommy was holding a new baby. I was just thinking… uh oh. She whined at me and tried to push him away, and you could tell she was very jealous. She is in a clingier phase right now in general, but all in all it didn’t bode well for November. Ah, well.

The only other semi-interesting thing going on is that we finally bit the bullet and cancelled our cable. I’m the type of person who HATES when televisions are on but no one is watching. Drives me insane. So I think my favorite thing so far has been that when we aren’t actively watching something, there is no perpetual television sound droning in the background. We have Hulu Plus, Netflix, Amazon Prime, Sling, and HBO Go. I mean… I don’t know why we didn’t do this sooner. I don’t even like TV that much and I actually grew up without it – we just had a television and VCR and watched awesome movies, like anything Disney, all the classic Rodgers and Hammerstein musicals, and pretty much any other early 90s kid appropriate movie you can think of. I can still recite Homeward Bound, Mrs. Doubtfire, and plenty of others. I may not have a clue when people start reminiscing about 90s sitcoms (no, I’ve never seen an episode of Blossom. Ever.) but I still don’t feel like I missed out. You know what I did? I read books. And played outside. It wasn’t so bad.

So that’s what’s up. June is getting pretty busy – already we have birthday parties, a wedding, and then Molly’s big party on the 27th. Gah, I’m so excited. I promise you’ll get an obnoxiously extensive picture post for that one. Oh and we scheduled the level 2 ultrasound (GENDER SCAN!) for July 7th. Can’t wait!

the second one is so different

I’m feeling very guilty about this pregnancy in general.

It’s inevitable, isn’t it? There’s so much fuss and fanfare with the first, especially when that first is preceded by so much loss, hope, and heartbreak. Every single moment of my pregnancy with Molly felt like a miracle. I walked around in a constant state of awe and gratitude. And to some extent, this pregnancy is even more miraculous – I mean, against all odds, against any expectation or inkling or dream I dared to dream, it happened. So I’m trying to figure out why it’s just not the same.

Someone recently requested new bump photos be added to the “bump” on this blog… how awful is it that I didn’t even think to do that? I will eventually. My belly popped out at like 7 weeks and not much has changed since then. I look like I’m 13 weeks, but I have for many weeks leading up to actual 13 weeks. As of today I am 13 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

I just remember being so freaked out over setting up Molly’s nursery – thinking about it even before I hit the midway mark. For this one my sister-in-law has been eagerly texting me with nursery sets listed for sale, as I think, “Crib? Yeah, I guess we’ll get a crib…”

I’m trying to figure out if this calmness is because I (sort of… kind of…maybe) know what I’m doing this time around and know what to expect, or if it’s just because it was such a shock that I’m not believing it’s really going to happen. For example, the crib – Molly slept in her bassinet for the first few months, as I’m sure this one will too. So realistically I don’t have to buckle down and worry about a crib until next year. Plus, my sister has an old one she’s willing to give me. As for the rest of the furniture… the nursery is already set up, and if it’s a girl, we are really set to go because I have a bajillion clothes in my attic (though they’re all the wrong season – grr).

We have a 3 bedroom house but one is set up as Eric’s office/man cave and I just don’t see where else to put all that stuff. So for now, the babies will be sharing the room. I’m anxious to see if he goes apeshit crazy if it is a boy and decides to throw all his office paraphernalia in the basement to build his son the ultimate boy room… time will tell. My gut is still saying girl. Girl or boy, the walls of the nursery are green, and I guess we can swap out the pink lace curtains if the revelation of a son does not properly motivate my husband.

I went for a sequential screen at the Perinatal Center today even though I didn’t opt to have one with Molly. It’s something that they push at my OB/GYN office and let’s be honest – I’m a sucker for extra ultrasounds. Everything for baby measured right on track and no issues to report. I don’t know if they all just look alike at this stage but my goodness, one look at the photo and it felt like deja vu. Like, hang on a sec… I’ve had this baby before.

Molly on top, new baby on bottom:

twinsies!

twinsies!

I hung the photo up at my desk and I’ve been catching a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye and smiling all day. The further along I get, the more “real” it’s becoming. It may not be the same as my last pregnancy, but it’s incredibly special… in a different way.

weekend update

Apologies in advance to Facebook and Insta friends who will probably find these photos redundant.

It’s been a bit of a whirlwind week. Last Saturday, Molly, my MIL, and I accompanied Eric to a conference in Washington DC as a bit of a summer kick-off mini vacay. We could not have asked for better weather, and the hotel/convention center we stayed in was positively gorgeous. It was nice to take a little break and recharge the batteries.

conf1

On Sunday we all got to hang out since the conference didn’t kick off until the evening. We took a ferry ride over to Downtown Alexandria and walked around. Molly loved the boat.

conf2

Monday Eric was stuck conferencing all day, so my MIL and I (along with Eric’s colleague’s wife and their daughter) headed to the National Zoo in DC. Molly was such a trooper, even with being stuck in her stroller all day – thank the Lord she doesn’t mind napping in there. Her favorite part of the day BY FAR was riding the carousel.

conf3

Tuesday we went downtown to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History (did you know they have the Hope Diamond?) and then walked and walked for many hours and miles to see a few of the monuments/historical points of interest. The highlight of the day was finding amaaaaazing gluten-free pizza that’s worth a return trip all by itself.

conf4

Our last day was Wednesday – my birthday – and truly it was underwhelming. Welcome to 31, right? We had a huge and delicious breakfast, checked out of the hotel, drove the 4 hours home, and then just kind of sat around. I’m not sure what I was expecting… I guess I’ve reached a point where a birthday is just another day. But at least I wasn’t at work.

Today I had another ultrasound – all looks good, heart rate 176. Since everything went well at my morning appointment, we did make it Facebook official with this photo –

bigsis

One thing really annoying that happened this weekend? KATE MIDDLETON STOLE MY GIRL’S NAME. I seriously had my heart set on Charlotte and when I heard it was a contender for her, my stomach sank, because I knew that’s the one they would choose. This is a name I fell in love with way back in 2013 when I was pregnant the first time! In other words… long before it became a princess name. Blah. And before you say, “Just use it anyway,” know that I’m dead set on not choosing any top 50 names (and come on, the popularity of Charlotte is about to explode), but I also don’t want anything too out of left field. That’s a task that’s a lot harder than it sounds! Oh, and I’d prefer to stay away from names that end in a “y” sound, because I don’t want it to be too matchy-matchy with Molly. So it’s a tough decision all around.

First world problems, right?

Any name suggestions, send them along! I know Eric wants a boy (and we have a boy name), but my gut is telling me that it’s a girl.

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

almost 9 weeks (but lookin’ more like 19)

Sorry for the silence lately. I’ve been suffering from this common blogging affliction known as, “Nothing to talk about-itis.” My life is firmly entrenched in that routine known as get up – go to work – come home – eat dinner – crash into bed by 9.

The good news is that this boring monotony is interspersed by moments of amazingness with Molly. The other night I was watching her scoot around her room with unbridled glee and all I could think was, “Wow. I love her more than any mother has ever loved a child. Or at least I have to be in the top ten.”

Surely many mothers feel this way. But seriously. I love her SO MUCH, it’s ridiculous. To the point that I feel bad for the next one, because how could I possibly love another human being with that much intensity? Or actually… I feel bad for myself, because if my love grows by double when he or she comes along, surely I will explode.

Speaking of the next one…

Nothing much to report, other than the fact that I look legit pregnant. I’ve only told a few people at work but it’s at the point now where it’s pretty obvious, not that anyone would say anything because presumably I’m still working on losing the baby weight and I wasn’t all that thin to begin with. But really. I hope that they all secretly think I’m pregnant, because otherwise I just look like I’m reaaaaally letting myself go.

My next ultrasound on May 8th felt like eons away, so earlier today I called the nurse at my OB/GYN to request another one in between. Honestly, how they expect someone with a history of RPL to go 4 weeks between ultrasounds in the first trimester is beyond me. I can’t handle it. So next Friday they’re squeezing me in for a quick afternoon appointment, just so I can see that little heartbeat flicker and breathe a little easier.

In general this pregnancy feels drastically different than the last. First of all, there are no injections – just a daily OTC prenatal vitamin that – let’s be honest – I forget to take half the time. Mild nausea in the mornings. Food aversion to vegetables, which is so not me at all. I’ve been doing the gluten-free thing, and of course it’s pretty easy because I’m so used to it, but other than that none of this feels really real. If it weren’t for my ridiculously swollen abdomen, I wouldn’t think it was happening at all.

I broke out the doppler a few times to try to find the heartbeat, but so far no dice. I’m not really worried about it – it’s still so early and it’s not even like I have the top of the line model. I didn’t find Molly’s HB (or even try to) until after 12 weeks. But still. A little reassurance that this was still happening would be nice. (Hence the added ultrasound.)

The first week of May, Molly and I are tagging along on a business trip with Eric, just for the fun of it. Swanky $400/night hotel that we don’t have to pay for? Yes, please! I’m a little irritated because last year this same conference was in New Orleans (and he missed my 30th birthday, remember??!!) and this year it’s in Washington D.C. Lame, right? I mean, I live on the east coast and I’ve been to DC many, many times… it’s not as fun or intriguing as N’awlins would have been. But oh well. If the conference was in some far-flung city, we probably wouldn’t be able to justify my airfare anyway.

It will be nice to take a few days off, at least. Once again this trip coincides with my birthday, making this the 31st consecutive year that I HAVE NOT worked on my birthday. My goal is to keep the streak going for as long as possible.

Other than that, not much to report. Just feeling like I should at least check in every once in a while.

good news!

Nothing but good news today – we saw the heartbeat! Woo hoo!

I did feel slightly reassured last week, so I’m actually glad I had the beta draws. Otherwise I would have been a nervous wreck this morning (not to mention all weekend).

Eric came with me to the appointment this time. I seriously envy his calm. He told me several times that I should stop worrying because everything would be fine. And of course he bragged about being right when everything WAS fine.

As soon as the image popped up on the screen I saw the flicker. Little blobby is measuring 6w6d, so well within range (I’m 7w2d according to LMP). Heart rate was 138.

Now I don’t have another appointment until May 8th! So weird to just be a normal person.

I told myself that if today went well, then I did not need to worry anymore and everything would be OK. So I’m going with that. Did you hear me? I’m not afraid anymore!

Here is little one’s first photo op:

7weekUS

And in case you wanted to absolutely die from cuteness overload… here is a pic my sister snapped a couple weeks ago of Molly taking care of her baby doll.

I have a feeling she’s going to nail this whole big sister thing.

bigsister

still in the game

After a very tense 48 hours, the numbers are in: my beta number is still rising, and went from 44,000 on Tuesday to 58,000 on Thursday (also, I was told that after 10,000 they do not expect doubling betas, just significantly increasing. So I’m ok).

Last night was torture. I had three nightmares in a row about receiving bad news. I would have a nightmare, wake up, then fall asleep and plunge headfirst into a new nightmare. In one, I went in for an ultrasound and they sadly informed me that the baby was growing perfectly, but had no heart at all (and on the screen, I was more like 20 weeks along than 7). This is the twisted shit that comes out of my subconscious.

As I was lying there in bed last night, recovering from one of these nightmares, the perfect analogy for this pregnancy popped into my head. Please indulge me as I try to explain.

This pregnancy is like winning a free trip to Hawaii. Exciting, awesome, unexpected, and almost too good to be true. Like, I’m not sure I’ll actually believe it’s happening until the plane is touching down on the island. In fact, I barely remember filling out the entry form. How the hell did I end up winning?

The thing is, I’ve been to (hypothetical) Hawaii before – only for that trip I planned, and saved up, and tried multiple times to get there…I was overprepared, if anything. I tried so hard for so long to get there that a part of me realized I would get there eventually – somehow – even if it meant putting my ass in a leaky old boat and rowing thousands of miles.

So there it is. Hawaii. Somehow this whole analogy sounded a lot more brilliant last night at 3am. And I find myself really, really wanting to go back to Hawaii, especially now that I know how awesome it is, but at the same time I feel a little selfish because I have been there before. So if I never get to go again in my life… that would suck… but at least I got to do it that one time.

My follow-up ultrasound was scheduled for Tuesday but the nurse at my OB/GYN office (who knows me, my situation, and my propensity for panicking) offered to move it up to Monday. So now I just have two days to wait instead of three. Which is pretty great.

In other news, I have been feeling hella nauseated, mostly in the mornings, and the thought of coffee makes me so queasy. Coming from a 2-cup-a-day coffee junkie, this is reallllly weeeeeird. It’s like having an identity crisis. I cut back to one cup per day while pregnant with Molly, but only because I needed to limit my caffeine intake, not because I didn’t want to drink it. Not wanting coffee at all? No, this is not me. I’m hoping all of these things are good signs.

Obviously your prayers and good vibes are working, so keep them coming! Hopefully I will have some good, strong heartbeat news on Monday.

you’re not going to believe this…

Fewer than 24 hours until April Fool’s Day, but I promise this is no joke.

As of today, I am 6 weeks, 4 days pregnant.

Seriously.

No trying. No counting. No needles, no doctors, no betas, no PIO shots in the ass. Just a good old-fashioned roll in the hay and BAM! – it actually happened.

Believe me… never in a million years did I think this would be my life. I thought the whole “unexpectedly pregnant after infertility/adoption” thing was a complete urban legend. Ever notice how it’s always someone’s sister’s neighbor’s cousin once removed, and never anyone you know directly? I thought this was a story they told infertiles with the intention of providing hope, when really they were only pissing us off.

But then it happened to me.

And it is exciting, don’t get me wrong. I mean, at first there was an “Oh, shit!” moment because it was just so unexpected. Two babies in diapers, 17 months apart… 3 frozen embryos waiting patiently in NYC… it was just a lot to take in. I had this all planned out. Go for a transfer later this year, have a summer baby in 2016. Getting pregnant naturally? No, that definitely never crossed my mind.

So at first I was freaked out/surprised, then I was mildly irritated (not over being pregnant, more over the fact that everyone who ever said “you need to just relax” had some sort of validity to their statement), then I was complacent, then I started getting nervous/excited.

I found out when I took an HPT on March 16th (yes, it’s been very hard keeping this secret from you!). I took the test because 1) My period was three days late and 2) All my milk mysteriously dried up, totally out of nowhere. I called the OB/GYN the next day and they graciously decided to see me early, as in today, just based on my history of miscarriage.

Today kind of sucked, though it did go basically how I expected it to go. They detected a very blurry fetal pole that measured exactly 6 weeks 4 days, as it should. But they did not see a heartbeat. Now, my office has super old ultrasound equipment – nowhere near as advanced as the stuff they have at the RE or even at the hospital labs where I went for early ultrasounds with Molly. But still. Not seeing a heartbeat has plunged me back into Anxietyville. I did not miss feeling like this all the time.

It didn’t help that after the “maybe/maybe not” ultrasound, they decided to send me for blood testing today and again in 48 hours to confirm my levels are where they should be and rising. So apparently… they have concerns too. Though the (largely pregnant) ultrasound tech did assure me that not seeing a heartbeat right now was not necessarily bad news.

I have a repeat ultrasound in 1 week. At that appointment, they will know without a doubt whether or not this is a viable pregnancy. So until then, I will be over here quietly hyperventilating in the corner, thankyouverymuch.

Oh, and now for the creepy part. At the risk of totally oversharing (you read my blog, you should be used to this by now) – I can say with confidence that this baby was conceived exactly 2 years after the twins were implanted – TO THE DAY. What’s more, this follow-up ultrasound is scheduled for April 7th, 2015, and I had my “bad ultrasound” with the twins on April 8th, 2013. I swear if they had tried to make it for that day I would have said no. This whole thing is just eerie.

So… yay… I think? I don’t know. I have this hard knot of anxiety in my stomach. I feel guilty for not feeling elated from day one, though not to the point that I think it contributed in any way. It just sucks.

My mantra for the next week: “Worrying about something will never change the outcome.” Now if I could only believe it…

Prayers/thoughts/good vibes sent into the atmosphere are definitely appreciated. I will keep you all posted on new developments. Also – if I know you in real life, you can certainly talk about this with me, but please keep it quiet with others and on public forums. I am not sharing with the general public yet for obvious reasons.