burnt toast life

“I take as much care as ever”

Every Monday I have to fill out a survey as part of my clinical trial experience at New Hope. I’ve memorized the questions by now and can zip through it pretty quickly, but it’s still annoying sometimes. The questions are all based on physical and emotional health, and I guess it’s supposed to follow your progression of elation/depression as you go through each stage of the process. There are gems such as:

Do you ever feel so blue that nothing can cheer you up? (um, no)
Do you feel anxious and stressed? (HAHAHAHA always)
Are you in control of your problems? (I like to pretend that I am)
Are you still able to enjoy music and television shows as much as before (…yes?)

The one that really gets me lately is the “Do you take care in your appearance?” One of the responses is, “I take as much care as ever” which inevitably leads to me humming “same as it ever was… same as it ever was” and having Talking Heads stuck in my head for a few hours.

As much as I bitch about my weight gain, I’m not vain. I’m relatively grounded when it comes to appearance. I wear minimal makeup, I never color my hair and most of my wardrobe comes from a clearance rack. However. I’ve been feeling impossibly frumpy as of late. I’m super bloated and it’s just not attractive. Everyone warned me that the first trimester is incredibly unglamorous. Mostly you’re nauseated, exhausted, bloated, grouchy and not even cute looking pregnant. When we were TTC I yearned for this; now I’m just feeling so blah and then feeling guilty for not embracing every nuance of being pregnant. I mean, part of it is the whole “not feeling pregnant” thing. Then a part of it is how I get dressed every morning, check myself out in the mirror, give myself a B- or C+ and go to work. But somehow over the course of the day I deteriorate and I’m not sure how it’s happening. By the time I leave my hair is frightful (either limp and dead or up in a ponytail), my pants have crumbs/dribbles, my shirt clings oh-so-unattractively to my stomach fat, my T-zone is oily and I feel like a total slob. I just don’t understand. It’s not like I’m trying to impress people at work, but I don’t want to be regarded as the “hot mess” of the office either. I’m just getting sick of looking like shit for no apparent reason. OK, I promise this is the last time I mention it because any ladies who are currently TTC are probably like, “Shut up bitch, at least you’re pregnant,” which is exactly what I would be saying to me three months ago.

In other news, I’m still sans-symptoms except for a weird yet intense craving for tuna. Is it because I know I can’t (shouldn’t?) have it very often? Maybe. But I could legit eat tuna for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I just had tuna for dinner. It was glorious.

Well friends, I’m off to book club. We read Life After Death by Damien Echols, which was interesting because this month’s host promised a “light, beach-y read” and then chose something absolutely opposite of that. It was pretty nuts… not very well organized and had no flow, but I guess he’s an OK writer. It was also about 200 pages longer than it needed to be. I may have missed my calling as an editor.

and maybe two… is better than one

*cue Boys Like Girls featuring Taylor Swift lyrics*

If you’re here from ICLW, welcome to my little space! Quick recap: I just did my first round IVF in February and so far, it was successful. Fingers crossed that it stays that way.

So two days ago I had my paperwork appointment with my regular OB. I figured I would get it all out of the way and hopefully find out when/if they were planning on doing an ultrasound so I could figure out if I had to drag Eric to NYC or if we could just go right around the corner instead. The paperwork went well, I disclosed all my dirty family secrets of heart disease and diabetes and reassured them 14 times that I did not have a cat. At the end of the appointment the nurse said, “Ok, so let’s schedule your first ultrasound… how about Thursday at 10 am?”

Um… come again?

New Hope isn’t doing an ultrasound until next Saturday, and I just assumed this place wouldn’t care to see my insides until 9 weeks. I have no idea why they wanted to do one so early (because I’m IVF?) but I was also excited to finally get to see what was going on in there, so I didn’t question it.

As it turns out Eric did not want to waste a vacation day on this and I couldn’t really blame him… especially since I wasn’t sure if we would see anything anyway. So my sister came along instead, at her insistence. The doctor went over a lot of the things I had already covered two days prior, then got a little confused when I mentioned my transfer was on the 28th. She said, “Wait, then you’re not even a month along yet?” with a sort of accusatory tone. Um, hello, I’m not the one who scheduled this! She warned me that we might not be able to see anything at all and that I shouldn’t worry if we don’t. But then… there were 2 sacs.
babies
Two sacs! She actually used the words, “for now…” and did not seem as excited as my sister and me, so I keep saying “for now” every time I tell someone that there are two. I know all about the disappearing twin phenomenon. But you know what? I’m not really surprised that there are two. I was prepared for this. First of all, this whole IVF experience has revolved around the number two. Second, they transferred two embryos into a decently healthy uterus, so… it’s not some huge shock. I know there are more risks and I know it will be more work but you know what? I’m happy. I get a BOGO deal. I get to make up for a couple of years wasted on TTC that just wasn’t working. I get to raise two siblings who will always have that beautiful bond that only twins understand. This is a very good thing.

I’m looking forward to actually hearing the heartbeat(s), but I’m being patient. This couldn’t have come at a better time because on Wednesday morning I had some post-intercourse spotting that sent me into a freaking panic, but clearly everything is still OK and multiple friends/medical professionals have assured me it’s totally normal. Still, I think it’s best to wait for the second trimester to risk it again. Seeing blood at any time during this early time is just not worth the anxiety.

The other day I stumbled across this list of celebrity twins. I had no idea Ashton Kutcher and Giselle Bundchen were twins. Craziness!

Holy crap, I’m gonna get fat. Twins. Whew.

I finally have a symptom! BONUS POINTS: It’s a weird one…

So you know how I’ve been bitching and moaning about not feeling any different? I finally, finally felt something. It’s not pleasant, but at least it can be attributed to pregnancy.

Some background: my mom has severe food allergies. She’s allergic to nuts, any aged cheese, onions, peppers, strawberries and any spice that makes food taste delicious. I grew up eating a lot of bland chicken with sides of plain mashed potatoes. On the flip side, my father has a stomach of steel. I was lucky enough to inherit his lack of allergies with two minor exceptions. First, as I’ve mentioned, I’m lactose intolerant (but I still eat Greek yogurt every day because I freaking love it). Second, I have a weird but minor reaction to high fructose corn syrup, which is why I drink evil Diet Coke instead of evil regular Coke. I’m much more likely to have a reaction if it’s in a beverage than if it’s in a food. What happens is that my throat gets “itchy” and I can’t help but make a low guttural sound that sort of sounds like I’m trying to dislodge a hamster from my esophagus. The sound is not attractive. Just ask my husband. So I try to avoid corn syrup, but if it slips in somehow it’s really no big deal.

Fast forward to Tuesday. I went with coworkers to happy hour and drank whatever the special cocktail was, just sans liquor. So essentially I was drinking some fruity juice concoction. My throat started to tickle as the night went on, but not in a “corn syrup” way, more in a “I’m getting a sore throat” kind of way. By the time I went to bed I was completely miserable. Every time I swallowed it felt like a hundred tiny men were stabbing my throat with little daggers. I was convinced it was strep and made plans to see the doctor in the morning.

But in the morning, my throat was almost back to normal. I still worked from home assuming I was contagious (plus, I was exhausted from being up all night in pain). The next day when a coworker suggested it might be the corn syrup allergy, I brushed her off and said I had never had a reaction that strong before. I figured it was a cold that my immune system fought off in record time. Yay for daily vitamins!

…But then on Saturday night the same thing happened. I texted my mother in law to confirm that the soda I drank at her house did indeed have corn syrup, and lo and behold, it did. So apparently my big tell is intensified allergic reactions to food. Who knew? Has anyone ever heard of this before??

In other news, I went for my third beta on Saturday and got a 6476. Woo hoo! I got confirmation that I will have to go back every week (boo) but I will get to have an ultrasound in 2 weeks, which I did not realize would be happening (double woo hoo). So yeah, things are going pretty well. I’m slightly less angry (slightly…) and not feeling that whole utter exhaustion thing yet. My boobs hurt like crazy one day but then not really since. I keep getting little twinges down in the uterine area, but other than that and the crazy allergies, it’s just regular old me.

why-is-high-fructose-corn-syrup-bad-for-you

anger and (probably not even pregnancy related) cravings

Well, it’s 12dpt and I’m feeling fine. Mostly fine because (I think?) I’m still pregnant.

I kind of gave up on the signs and symptoms list (though maybe I will post it eventually) because I realized that it didn’t say much at all. The truth is that it’s just way too damn early for any “signs.” Every month that I got my hopes up for twinges, sore boobs and excessive bathroom trips was just a fluke. Really I should have been more excited to feel absolutely nothing at all, since apparently that’s what pregnant feels like.

The number one thing I feel is… ready for it?… rage. Yes, I am angry about everything. Eric and I keep getting into fights and I call him mean, but then he says, “What are you talking about? You’re the one being mean.” I guess I do notice it. I’m not a total bitch normally, but I’m also not the nicest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. I’m a bit snarky and sarcastic and I don’t easily forgive faults. Some might even call me judgmental. These things are just part of my nature.

But now…now I’m just so angry about everything. Then I get angry at myself for being so angry. Minor irritations put me over the edge. My dogs have been driving me absolutely nuts. I can’t even explain how frustrating it is to be pissed off for no good reason. It’s actually pissing me off trying to figure out how to explain it.

I really thought I would feel different. I know I’ve probably mentioned this before. I thought I would go about my day and just feel a sense of elation to exist, knowing that I was growing a baby inside of me. You know what? I feel exactly the same as before. I have to keep reminding myself that this is really happening.

As for cravings – obviously it’s way too early for those, but over the past few days I’ve felt a sense of wanting something (and it feels like I want a food or beverage) but I don’t know what it is. I want it very much, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what I want. Are you starting to see where some of this anger is coming from?

I’m also a little worried about work. I work for a dot com and the big joke is that “we’re
shutting down tomorrow,” but lately that’s starting to look more and more likely. There have been a few shake-ups that make me nervous, especially if this pregnancy really happens. I know people aren’t technically supposed to discriminate, but come on. I really doubt a waddling 6 months pregnant woman is going to get hired anywhere.

Ok done bitching and moaning for today. If anyone could clue me in to what I’m craving, that would be greeaaat.

Beta #2 – still PUPO

Beta #2 today was 475, 9dp5dFET. I’m still in the game, people!

Of all our acronyms, I think PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) is my favorite. First of all, I love what it entails (obviously). Second, it perfectly describes the fragility of our situations. On one hand, we’re so happy to finally be pregnant, but then we have to justify it so quickly with, “but it could be otherwise. Soon. Anything could change in any moment and Oh God I can’t just be happy and enjoy this I have to obsess over it every second of every day.” Third, I always think of “pupa” and it makes me laugh.

just hangin' out like a pupa

just hangin’ out like a pupa

I brought my mother-in-law and sister-in-law Katie with me to my blood test because my SIL had not been to the city since she was in first grade. I feel like that’s acceptable if you live in Idaho, but we are 90 minutes from Manhattan. I can’t even fathom going more than 6 months without going, present fertility drama notwithstanding.

Anyway, we had a good time. After the 15 minutes at NHF, we hopped the subway down to Ground Zero to see the 9/11 memorial, which is something I’ve been meaning to do but haven’t. It was beautiful and very moving. We had brunch at the Cornelia Street Cafe in the West Village and picked up some incredible cupcakes at Molly’s Cupcakes, winner of Cupcake Wars and 100 times better than Magnolia. Fun fact: our future daughter has been named Molly since approx. 2003, so that’s totally why we stopped in. They have adorable branded onesies but I refrained. I’m just a PUPO, right?

We also got macarons at Bisous Ciao because, well… macarons are like little pieces of heaven. We walked through Times Square, then hopped back in the car and swung by Apthorp Pharmacy real quick to pick up my refill of Progesterone. All in all it was a rewarding and delicious day.

I’m having a hard time figuring out what doubling is for betas and it doesn’t help that I’m an English major and I absolutely SUCK at math. I know betabase.info is the place to go for the chart and I’ve been there before, but the site has been down for a few days now and I’m unable to find anything else comparable. Grr! At this point I’m just trusting the clinic when they say “everything looks perfect” until I can figure something out for myself. But I’m curious – are these singleton or multiple numbers? Am I in range? What should it be next time? Help!

I thought that today’s beta would be my last one until the 9 week U/S but I’m not sure where that idea came from. I have to go back next Saturday for blood again, which is annoying but at least I won’t be left wondering if it’s all going to shit while I wait. Hopefully in the meantime betabase comes back so I can properly stalk it.

Beta #1 looks like a winner

So today was my first beta and I got a 155. Things are looking good!

Don’t worry, I’m still terrified for Saturday’s second beta. And then if that goes well I’m terrified for the wait until the 9 week U/S (for some reason I don’t get one at 7 weeks. I told you these people were sadists). Basically I’m equal parts excited and terrified, which is an awesome combination when you’re trying to cut stress and make your uterus a welcoming, anxiety-free environment.

I took my favorite 5:45 a.m. bus into the city and was back home by 10. I took the day off work because of aforementioned excessive PTO and because I just couldn’t imagine getting “the call” while sitting in an open area and at work. So where did I get the call? I can tell you exactly.

My mother-in-law and I were at Kohl’s. She was perusing 80% off snowsuits for the grandkids and I was looking at magnets. The phone rang. The caller said, “I have good news. It looks like you are pregnant.” I looked across the aisle to Cindy, gave a thumbs up and had to laugh when she started cheering and crying loudly while curious shoppers looked on. She told two people at Kohls, including a sales associate, that I just found out I was pregnant. It was perfect – telling strangers is fun because you get all the congrats without having to worry about giving them bad news later if it doesn’t work out. Oh, and right after I hung up the phone this song came on and it just felt so right.

Remember how worried I was about maternity clothing? My sister-in-law always got SO mad when I said I would need stuff. She said she had 7 boxes of maternity clothing from various previously pregnant family members and friends. It’s not that I didn’t believe her… it’s just that I couldn’t comprehend how much there really was. Our spare bedroom is now overflowing with maternity wear, which is helping this feel extra super surreal.

I’m trying to think of a witty wrap up but I got nothing. This day has stolen my capacity for clever writing.

…but I promised I would never take a picture of something I peed on

I am truly sorry that I’ve cringed at this before. Because once I saw the faintest hint of that second line, the camera came out. Immediately.

test

I took this test today, 6dp5dFET, for two reasons. 1) I wanted to be prepared for that phone call after my beta tomorrow, be it prepared with celebration or with a huge bottle of vodka and 2) I was 100% convinced that I was getting my period. No matter that the Progesterone delays it for most women, so even if I wasn’t pregnant I probably wouldn’t be getting it. I’ve been keeping a list of symptoms that I will post separately if this is really real, but let’s just say I have none of the good ones and all of the ones that match AF. Including a sense of dread like she was right around the corner.

I have been dreaming of the moment of telling Eric. I tried to plan it and make it special. What actually happened was that I ran into the living room, threw the test onto his lap and stood there grinning like an idiot. He picked it up, glanced at it, and said, “No, I don’t believe it. Why did you do this? This isn’t real.” Apparently he refuses to get excited or celebrate until the beta since I’m so “pumped up full of drugs.” Totally not the reaction or presentation I had planned. As for me, my hands are shaking so I need to stop typing.

This is effing unreal.