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Oct 21

pumpkin picking & very important questions

Oct 21

Despite the amount of anticipation leading up to the event, not much went down at the pumpkin patch. It wasn’t very cold (mid-50s) but it was windy. Very windy. And while normally Molly loves being outside, she is not a fan of wind.

"Not amused, mom."

“Not amused, mom.”

IMG_3260My sister and I both decided that pumpkin patches sound better in theory then they do in practice. Or maybe I’m just saying this because it was so dang windy. But all in all, it went ok. Obviously, she looked adorable. We picked out a little pumpkin for her. We took a bajillion photos. Eric and I also bought a gallon of homemade apple cider and have plans to make a warm bourbon/cinnamon/cider drink to enjoy while carving the pumpkins. It’s nice – usually I just buy a pumpkin, plop it on the front porch, and throw it away when it starts rotting in mid-November. But this year, we’re actually going to put in the effort to carve it. Apparently having Molly has inspired us to do cute and crafty family activities (not gonna lie – spiked apple cider is also part of the incentive).

Saturday we had a wedding to attend and left Molly with my parents for the evening. Apparently (and of course my mom only told me this later) she was inconsolable after figuring out that we had left her there. My mom didn’t want to bug us, so she called my sister to see how to calm Molly down. I have noticed that she’s been clingier than usual lately and doesn’t really like when people who she doesn’t know hold her (and she sees my mom once a week at least, so it’s not even like they’re strangers). She’ll tolerate it, but she keeps her eyes on me. It makes me feel special to be needed…but I’d also like to be able to leave her with babysitters when I need to. Everyone says it’s just a phase. Hopefully that’s true.

And thankfully she considers Ashley her second mommy, so dropping her off there every morning is no problem. I’m not even jealous of their bond anymore… I’m just relieved that she’s not crying and reaching for me when I leave. I couldn’t deal with that kind of heartbreak on a daily basis. I was a little worried this morning because she was watching me warily as I put on my coat (Yes, she was literally eyeing me up and definitely knew I was getting ready to leave…and she’s not even four months old. Child prodigy, ha). But Ash said she was fine. Apparently Aunt Ashley is an acceptable substitute for mommy.

Ok, now on to my crazy idea/question: have any of you ever considered a blog meet-up?

I don’t know…it’s just, I’ve been following along with your lives for several years now. I’ve laughed with you and cried with you. I’ve celebrated your joys and mourned your losses. I talk about each and every one of you as if we’re friends IRL (and still, my husband is always like, “Who?!!”).

So it just led me to the idea of doing a meet-up. Before I think about it too deeply, I guess I’m just wondering if there’s any interest. And I do realize it’s probably a lot to ask people, to use precious vacation time on relative strangers.

But then I think… couldn’t it just be awesome?

Obviously the big question is, WHERE? And for that, I turn to you. As much as I would love to have a big bloggy sleepover at my house, I simply don’t have the space for it. Plus Pennsylvania is a pretty lame state in general. I would be using this as an excuse for a little vacation, I’m assuming, so I’d like to pick somewhere cool. I mean, if one of you has a beach mansion off the Florida Keys, now is the time to say so!

Then I was thinking, do these already exist and maybe I just don’t know about them? I’m not really looking for networking or blog exposure or anything sales-y like that. More just fun times in a new place (maybe a festival? Wine festival?) and putting names to faces.

So I ask you – is this crazy? Or can we maybe, feasibly do this? I know many of you who live close to each other have already done something similar, so I’d love to hear your take on whether something like this is worth it or not.

So – worth it? No? Where? When? How? Or is it just too weird? Either way, it’s fun being friends online. I won’t be offended if you think it’s lame.

This is officially the most interrogative post I’ve ever written. Sorry?

Posted by amanda 15 Comments
Filed Under: miscellany, monthly updates, parenting mishaps, the little things Tagged: blog meet up, pumpkin patch

Oct 10

“not to 50!”

Oct 10

Hi there.

I think last time I mentioned how I “cured” my abysmal milk production problem that started once I went back to work. Alas, that cure was short-lived.

My milk definitely increased…for a little while. Then it started decreasing again slowwwwwly until we were right back to where we started. My sister had to start dipping into my (depleting) frozen supply once again. As of today I’m down to 5 ounces frozen…total. Because apparently I like to live on the edge.

I stress out about this daily (obviously). Because in the absence of real, serious problems I like to create my own. Not that diminishing supply isn’t a problem. But in the grand scheme of things, supplementing with formula is JUST FINE. She will be fine. I will be fine. It will be more expensive than free, but I’m fairly confident we can work it into the budget.

Anyway. My insurance covers 6 visits with the lactation consultant, and even though I feel pretty confident in that area now, I actually like her as a person and I did want her to check out Molly’s new, nipple-shield-free latch (YES! After 3 months, I finally got her off of the damn shield!!). During her visit, I mentioned my decreasing milk issue. She convinced me to rent her hospital-grade pump for the week, just to see if it made a difference.

Oh. My. God.

I used the pump in the hospital when she was born, but it was NOTHING like this beast. It feels like my boobs are being ripped off my chest, nipple first. I hope that sounds painful. It is SO painful.

this thing ain't messing around

this thing ain’t messing around

Oh, and the best part? I practically have it on the lowest setting. Every time I use it I’m reminded of that scene in The Princess Bride (and honestly, if you’ve never seen that movie, I don’t think we can be friends. I could literally recite it line by line) when Prince Humperdinck jacks up the pain wheel on the life-sucking torture device and Count Rogen screams, “NOT TO 50!” That’s what it feels like. I can’t imagine pumping on full power. I’d probably need Miracle Max to revive me.

I guess I’m getting more milk. The verdict’s still out on whether I’m getting more volume, or if I’m just getting it faster. I definitely feel more deflated than ever before when I’m done, so I guess it’s working. I’ve gone from 9.5/10 ounces average to a good 11/12 (plus I add on a torture pump session every night to have a little extra).

Also on the advice of my lactation consultant, I ordered Mother’s Milk Special Blend in liquid form. The reviews say it “tastes like death” and I should just “hold my nose and chug it in a glass of OJ.” GREAT! Can’t wait. Remind me again who describes breastfeeding as blissful?

I woke up Sunday morning more engorged than I’ve been in weeks, and I think I know why. Saturday night I went to a party and had a couple beers. So apparently I need to drink more (beer, at least).

What else, what else? We’ve got our big pumpkin patch visit planned for next weekend. Like so many others, I’ve been dreaming of taking my child to the pumpkin patch for what feels like forever. I go every year with my little brother and sister, and I try not to feel bitter and wistful (but I do). Last year I was newly pregnant and terrified. This year I’ll have my daughter in tow. It’s surreal. I cannot wait.

Molly is doing wonderfully. She’s just now starting to need more stimulation and shows signs of boredom when she’s just left to sit around (which isn’t too often). She loves her kicky chair, especially when it lights up and plays music. She is starting to sort of hold her toys and realize she’s holding them. I wouldn’t say she “plays with toys,” but the other morning I walked in and caught her staring at Sophie while gripping tightly to her long giraffe neck.

"Whatcha lookin' at, buddy?"

“Whatcha lookin’ at, buddy?”

She has rolled over a few times now, and her neck strength is impressive. One thing she’s good at is stiffening her body from head to toe. Usually she does this when she’s annoyed, but sometimes she just does it… as Eric says, she’ll be good at planking one day.

She really loves being at Aunt Ashley’s house, I can tell. She loooooves her cousin Addi (3), and is a bit fearful of but still appreciates her cousin Avery (18 months). Of course she loves Aunt Ashley, who mollycoddles her (HA!) just as much or perhaps more than mommy does. Sometimes I get jealous of all the time she gets to spend with her, but mostly I just feel relieved knowing that she’s being showered with attention for every moment of the day.

And that’s what’s going on with us.

Posted by amanda 17 Comments
Filed Under: parenting mishaps Tagged: breast pump, milk production

Sep 23

maxiblog

Sep 23

I’m all over the place lately, which calls for a bullet point post. I know it’s supposed to me microblog Monday, but I just have way too much to cover. Soooo you get a maxiblog instead. Deal with it. :)

  • Molly is doing great.
    This whole working mom thing is my first experience with “doing what’s best for your child” and sacrifice and all that. Every morning when I drop her off I know that she’ll receive great care, plenty of attention, tons of kisses, lots of love. The only person who’s really suffering is me – I can’t help but miss her all day. But I know it’s something I have to do, and I know it’s for her benefit. So I do it. For her. And yeah, it adds a little bit of meaning/purpose to the daily grind, knowing that I’m working to provide for her. (Well… her and the student loan lenders).

    Tomorrow Miss Molly turns three months old. Ahhh! She wants to talk to us so badly… she’s always cooing and making faces to go along with what she’s saying. She can have a whole conversation without saying a word. It’s seriously the cutest thing ever. I always try to tell her I understand, and to respond as much as possible. I think she’ll definitely be an early talker.

    She’s currently in size 0-3 months clothing and I just switched her to size 1 diapers after stubbornly clinging to the newborn sized versions for a little too long. When I started noticing red indentations on her legs and she had a few blowouts (which is not typical), it was time to admit that she’s growing up, and her diapers need to grow with her. Not my little newborn anymore. *Sniff, sniff*

    Her eyes are still brilliantly blue. My doctor said that if they’re still blue at 6 months, they’ll be blue forever, and it’s looking like that may be the case…so far they show no signs of changing. I’m excited! Her hair is red(dish), and now blue eyes? Somebody get this kid a modeling contract!

  • My milk started drying up, but then I fixed it.
  • I’m a skeptic, especially when it comes to herbs/spices/oils/New Age remedies. I want things like that to work…truly, I do…but I never believe they’re really going to. So imagine my surprise with this whole breast milk thing. Basically, 3 weeks after returning to my full-time work schedule, my milk started decreasing dramatically day by day. Before long, even first thing in the morning (normally my most engorged time of day), my boobs were looking like two sad, flat little pancakes. I scheduled time with my lactation consultant, but then in an impatient fit of panic I ordered a bottle of Fenugreek capsules (the cheap kind) and six boxes of Mother’s Milk tea from Amazon. I figured I didn’t have much to lose, besides, like, $30.

    Well. After just two days of use I noticed a difference. In four days I was getting more milk than ever. I just couldn’t believe it. Natural remedies for the win! Now it seems to have tapered off a little, but I’m back to where I was in terms of production, pumping anywhere from 11-12 ounces throughout the day and waking up good and engorged every morning. Leaking all over my pajamas used to irritate me to no end, but now that I’ve seen the other side, I’ll take it. Milk-soaked shirts? Yes, please!

    I also started using essential oils because I know someone who sells them… a little dab of basil and a little dab of fennel on each side about 20 minutes before nursing. Somehow the combination ends up smelling like black licorice, which is funny, because that’s what the Mother’s Milk tea smells/tastes like…anyway, I literally just started this ritual, so we shall see if it helps at all. I do like how it smells at least.

  • It feels like winter and we’re going camping.
    When Eric’s sisters planned a camping trip for the weekend of September 26th, it didn’t sound that late in the year. The day that we talked about it the temperature was like 90 degrees and it was just one of those days that made it hard to imagine the weather getting chilly, ever. Now the time is upon us and I’ll admit I’m a little nervous about camping with a baby.

    We just signed up for an auto-delivery thing with a new oil company at home and it took them three whole days to deliver the oil for some reason. Even just those few cold nights without heat – I mean 45 degree nights, spent indoors and under covers – were a little nerve-wracking with Molly. Yeah, she was swaddled and snug in her footie pajamas, and we have a space heater in our room, so she definitely stayed warm, but still. I am going to have to pack her snowsuit for this trip. Lord only knows how cold it will be in the woods. Bring on the hot chocolate! (Before you worry too much, understand that we are camping in a camper, not a tent, and it does have a heater. I’m probably worrying over nothing as usual).

  • I’m getting sued.
  • Oh, you thought the dog bite saga was over? Think again, my friends! I kind of knew it was coming when I noticed the billboards going up all over town – this one law firm is aggressively advertising themselves as being THE dog bite lawyers in my area. Literally, they have billboard advertisements every couple of miles. Every time I passed one I thought, oh man, I hope the girl who got bit doesn’t see that. But apparently she did. And now I’m being sued.

    I’m not even sure if I’m supposed to be talking about this on my blog, but whatever. No one has told me otherwise just yet. The thing that I don’t understand is how she maintains that she did nothing wrong, even though they have her on video doing it. I’m really thanking my lucky stars for the existence of that video. Here’s a bit of good news, though: if we win, we could potentially have Bird’s record expunged, so he wouldn’t have that black mark follow him around forever and he’d be welcome back at the kennel (not that we’d necessarily take him there again, but it would be nice to have that option). When we first found out he’d have a record, it never occurred to me that we could fight it. So not that it’s a good thing to be sued…far from it…but hey, that part is like the silver lining. Wish me luck winning this battle. I have a feeling I’ll need it.

  • I’m working hard on losing.
    Losing weight, that is. My family does a Biggest Loser competition a few times a year, and this go-round I feel like I have a distinct advantage (which I kind of do). Usually the other participants lose about 5-7 pounds total, so I wasn’t really trying too hard at first, but then all of the sudden people started losing 10 pounds or more and so far I haven’t even been in the lead! It’s inexcusable.

    The first 15 pounds melted right off not long after she was born, but then I got stuck. Lately I’ve been pretty strict, and in 3 weeks I’ve managed to shed 9 more pounds. Remember, I gained 60 pounds while pregnant, and prior to that I was already heavier than normal from meds/stress eating. In a perfect world I’d like to lose 50 more pounds from where I am today. (Eeek – scary just to write it. Scary that I have that much to lose). It won’t be easy, but I want to say it here so you can all hold me accountable, and knock brownies out of my hand if you ever see me eating them.

    I think dieting has probably contributed to my dismal milk production. That’s why I’m so glad that the herbal remedies have helped. I am attempting to eat healthily – not starving myself by any means – but I’m just trying not to go overboard with portions. The My Fitness Pal app is like my best friend these days, and even when I eat something terrible, I always, always record it. It’s like punishment, seeing it in black and white like that. It does help me pause before indulging.

    I took lots of really scary “before” pictures, and I’m really looking forward to posting some inspiring “afters” before the springtime. My ultimate goal is to get into a bikini next summer without frightening any of the other beachgoers. Yes!

    I think that about covers it for my life these days. Oh, and apologies for my lazy commenting lately. I promise I’m still reading, and commenting mentally, usually while hooked up to my lovely pumping machine. But then I get home and the thought of logging onto my computer and going back through previously viewed blog posts to comment is just exhausting. I’m sorry… I suck. But I still love you.

  • Posted by amanda 8 Comments
    Filed Under: miscellany, monthly updates, parenting mishaps

    Sep 15

    the no-time-to-post post

    Sep 15

    I really wanted to blog tonight. I start to feel guilty when a week goes by without a post, especially since I’m composing so many in my head all the time. But now it’ s like 10:30 and I know my little one is gonna be screaming her head off by 5, so I need to be quick about it.

    Saturday Molly was baptized, and it was one of those days that turned out so well I was pretty sure that I was watching it happen to someone else, because no way was I that lucky. It was a little chilly, but the rain held off. She was an angel for the whole thing… didn’t cry or fuss one time, not even when the priest poured water on her head or when she had her first little taste of wine (I’m Eastern Rite Catholic – which is pretty much exactly like Russian Orthodox, except Catholic. So in addition to being baptized, babies are also confirmed and get their first communion all at once. And wouldn’t you know it – she seemed to like the wine!). Everyone came back to my mom’s house and ate and socialized and had a good time, plus we had just the right amount of food (which yes, is a thing for me).

    Today I figured I’d have plenty of time to write a deep, insightful post and catch up on everything that’s been going on, like how my milk is drying up since I went back to work (Waaaahhh!) and various other things. But then I had church followed by breakfast followed by Target followed by falling asleep while breastfeeding, and then we had to run to Eric’s sister’s house for his nephew’s birthday party. Then I came home to a mountain of laundry to fold, lunches to pack, and general little chores to do before putting Molly to bed. And hey, whattaya know, before I can blink it’s Sunday night at 10:30pm and I’ve done nothing I wanted to do. No insightful blog post. Still haven’t updated her baby book or put her photos in frames like I’ve been meaning to. There really aren’t enough hours in the day.

    It’s time for bed. But before I go, here’s a few pictures of what’s been going on with us. Apologies to any Facebook/Insta friends who are probably really sick of seeing the same ones over and over. :)

    wearing a dress that her great great grandmother made for my mother to wear in 1963

    Wearing a dress that her great great grandmother made for my mother to wear in 1963

    Costume change, post-baptism. Is this not the cutest outfit in the world?

    Costume change, post-baptism. Is this not the cutest outfit in the world?

    Eagles pride!

    Eagles pride!

    Tell me this kid doesn't have the cutest sad face ever!

    Tell me this kid doesn’t have the cutest sad face ever!

    Posted by amanda 12 Comments
    Filed Under: monthly updates, parenting mishaps, the little things

    Sep 03

    mommy must haves (newborn – 2 months)

    Sep 03

    These are just opinions, of course, but this is what’s worked for us so far. Please note that I took care to find photos (and product links) of the exact products that I really have, same patterns and all. You know… for authenticity’s sake.

    Here they are in no particular order:

    adenplusanais11) aden + anais muslin swaddle wraps

    With a summer baby, you’ll want a blanket that shields from the air conditioner’s icy blast while still remaining lightweight enough to take out into the humidity. Somehow, this achieves both, plus it’s the perfect size for making those oh-so-helpful baby burritos. I never worried about her overheating in her footie pajamas when I swaddled with these, even while camping in the heat of July. I included the brand name only because these are the only ones that I’ve seen. Pricey, yes, but in my opinion they’re totally worth it.

    2) Medela nipple shield

    I affectionately call this, “my nipple,” or, “my shield,” and have been known to say things like, “Eric, can you help me find my nipple? I left it on the coffee table and now it’s gone. I think the dog might have grabbed it.”
    nippleshield

    Without this little invention I can say with confidence that breastfeeding would not have worked for us. Two and a half months in and the girl is still using it. At first my lactation consultant blamed Molly’s failure to latch on her small mouth, but now I would say it’s more like laziness (the nipple shield makes it much easier for her). I know breastfeeding purists often scoff at these, and I understand why – it is unnnatural. But the beauty of the nipple shield is that it helps uncooperative babies get on the boob, and isn’t that the ultimate goal? In the hospital I was hooked up with my SNS tubes and sobbing because she wouldn’t eat. I was one mental breakdown away from totally giving up, despite how badly I wanted to breastfeed her. Finding this little device was like discovering the holy grail. It worked, it got her onto my boob, and we still got to enjoy the bonding and skin to skin contact. Should I be actively trying to wean her off of it? Yes. But going back to work has drained all my energy and at this point it’s easier to just give in and use it. It works for us for now, so I’m not messing with it.

    My biggest complaint is the need to always have one on hand (God forbid I leave home without it), and how it’s kind of a pain in the ass to get it positioned just right when I’m feeding her on the run (in the Maya wrap, while walking around at a music festival, etc.). But since this is the only way I’ve ever breastfed, it was easy enough to adapt and get used to it. In other words…I have nothing to compare it to, so to me, it’s just normal. I’m sure breastfeeding sans shield will be a welcome surprise.

    rocknplay3) Rock ‘n’ Play Sleeper

    I actually have two of these that someone gave me (Thanks, Toni!). So one of them stays at home, and one stays at my sister’s house for when she’s there during the week. This thing is AWESOME. We use it for those times we need to put her down but we can’t put her on the floor or even on her boppy saucer thing because I’m always afraid the dogs will trample her (not on purpose, of course, but just because they don’t know any better). It keeps her out of harm’s way, yet it’s lightweight and easy to carry from room to room. I bring it in the bathroom with me to put her in while I’m showering when the two of us are home alone. We brought it camping and to the beach – it disassembles into several pieces and fits nicely into a tightly packed car. There is a recall due to a mold issue after washing the fabric insert, but so far we haven’t had to wash it at all, so I don’t even care. I know she will outgrow it soon, but for now this thing is essential.

    bassinett4) Bassinet

    I’m not ready for Molly to be in her crib yet, but co-sleeping is simply not an option with our tiny queen-sized bed (and the dog who still sleeps in it with us). I have the bassinet set up right next to my side of the bed, and even though Molly sleeps through the night, I wake up 3-4 times MINIMUM and throw my hand onto her chest to make sure she’s still breathing. Every single night. So yeah… it’s much easier to maintain this habit without having to get out of bed and creep into her room across the hall. For now, the bassinett is where it’s at.

    honestco5) Honest Company bath gel and lotion

    All of our bath products were gifts, so I’ve had the luxury of trying out several different brands without spending any money. I love the smell of this one, and it’s organic, too.

    booginhead6) Boogin Head pacifier clip

    Do pacifiers grow legs and walk away? Honestly. Molly isn’t really into the pacifier, but there are times when she needs it (and we need it), like when she’s overly tired and just can’t fall asleep or when she’s pissed off about being strapped into the car seat. Despite the fact that I’ve been doing a decent job of keeping the house clean (which I’m assuming will get much harder once she’s walking and strewing toys about), I always seem to lose pacis. It’s nice to know that there’s always one clipped to her carseat for emergencies.

    pumpbra7) Simple Wishes Hands-Free Breastpump Bra

    I spent my first couple of days pumping without this, and now all I can think is, how silly! Someone at work insisted that I had to buy one so that I could at least keep myself entertained during pump sessions by going on my phone (not an option when you’re holding the suction thingies on both your boobs). So I went from staring at a wall for ten minutes during pump time to actually forgetting what I was doing and sometimes even going a minute or two past my set time! If you have to pump, this thing is 100% necessary. It’s $33, eligible for Amazon prime, and delivered to your doorstep. Done.

    britax8) Britax B-Agile Travel System

    Maybe I’m in a different tax bracket or something, but the majority of stroller recommendations on the blogs I’ve read have been wayyyyy out of my price range. What I needed was a good quality, middle of the road option that folded up easily. I also wanted a stroller/carseat combo, because it just seemed logical. We went into the store with no expectations or preferences and ended up picking out the one that the store associate recommended and pushed hard for. So far, I’m very pleased with it. Not an UPPAbaby… but I like it. And at less than $400 for the whole kit and caboodle, it doesn’t require a second mortgage. I call that a win. (Bonus: this was a baby shower gift, so for us, it was VERY affordable, haha).

    mayawrap9) Maya wrap

    I’m all for discounts and savings and all, but here is something pricey (in my opinion) that was worth every friggin penny. I LOVE my Maya wrap. That’s not to discount the Moby… which is also pretty great… but as so many before me have pointed out, Moby is a pain in the ass to take on the go because it’s a little complicated to wrap and it drags on the ground while you’re getting it ready. I used the Moby a lot when I was on maternity leave and was just hanging out at home, vacuuming and stuff. The Maya is more versatile because you can just put it in your bag and – BONUS POINTS – it works well with breastfeeding. While we were on vacation at the beach, our morning trek to the ocean always coincided with Molly’s feeding time. But that was OK, because all I did was snuggle her in the Maya wrap and breastfeed while walking down the street. It was so awesome and convenient! I got my money’s worth during that week alone. Now, I throw it in my bag no matter where we’re going. I can be at a picnic and hold her and still have use of both hands, which is really invaluable when you’re trying to walk around with a plate of food AND a frosty beverage. It’s lightweight and easy enough to just add to the wash. Yes, I took a chance and got the cream colored fabric, because I thought it was pretty. So far it’s not too dirty, and wouldn’t you know it, spit up breastmilk blends right in. If you’re on the fence for a baby carrier that’s suitable for a newborn, my vote is Maya all the way.

    That’s all I can think of for now! I’m sure this list will change, so expect to see another one in a few months.

    Posted by amanda 16 Comments
    Filed Under: all the lists, parenting mishaps Tagged: 2 months, must have products

    Aug 26

    it did get better

    Aug 26

    Well, everyone was right. I cried the first day back to work, but not the second. One week in and I’m already used to it. I guess you just do what ya gotta do.

    But instead of writing a post, I decided to do a post in pictures to show you exactly why this situation is working out so well. And without further ado… here’s last week.

    This was how Addison (Molly’s cousin) reacted to waking up and seeing her at my sister’s house:
    addisreaction

    Addi loves helping Aunt Ashley take care of the baby. She helps with the bottle…
    Addie Molly bottle

    She reads to her…
    addi reads to molly

    She even shares her dinosaur.
    addi molly dinosaur

    Sometimes naptime can get a little loud, but Molly knows just what to do.
    noisy

    Other times, naptime is quiet, especially when cousin Avery is sleeping, too.
    nappingtogether

    Molly’s cousins like to get chocolate on her, and sometimes it gets on her pretty outfit. Then Aunt Ashley has to do some laundry.
    sohappy

    Meanwhile, at work, Mommy does stuff like this:
    pumping

    It’s always a good day for tummy time!
    tummytime

    Or for just hanging out and being adorable.
    happyday

    cutemolly

    Did I mention how much Molly loves being outside? She especially loves to rock on the porch and wait for Daddy to pick her up. And sometimes this happens:
    porchsittin

    After Molly leaves, her cousins miss her. But that’s OK, because they found someone to keep her rocker warm while she’s not there.
    ninjaturtle

    Now… do you see why I’m not so sad anymore?

    Posted by amanda 8 Comments
    Filed Under: milestones, miscellany, parenting mishaps Tagged: back to work, Molly Marie

    Aug 19

    it’s been a hard day

    Aug 19

    First, since I finalllly sent out her birth announcements, I can show them off here:

    birth announcement

    And how amazing is this photo? I guess she’s going to like Star Wars (whether she likes it or not!)

    starwars

    Unbearable cuteness…that’s what I had to leave at home.

    In many ways it was better than I thought, but in many ways it was worse.

    I really wanted to try not to cry, but the waterworks started during her first feeding at 5 am. Dropping her off wasn’t that bad because it was my sister’s house, not a daycare center. That really, really helped. (I did cry… but only a little bit).

    Work was so much busier than I had anticipated, and it made the day fly by. I didn’t get to wade back into my routine – I got pushed in, full force. I had 1,600 emails to sort and a new desk to set up. I had a pumping schedule to figure out. I had picture texts of my baby to check hourly. Before I knew it, the day was close to done.

    So that was good. But going from a full day of Molly to a full day of work was weird. I FaceTimed with her at lunch, but in retrospect that probably wasn’t the best idea. The sound of my voice made her turn her head from side to side looking for me. That made my heart hurt (and made me cry, obviously).

    This whole working mom thing… it’s not for me. I’d be just as happy barefoot and pregnant in a kitchen (while being treated as an equal to all men, obviously). But yeah. The pump is so cold and…unnatural. Everything about it is unnatural. Someone said that after going back to work, I’d be living for the weekends. Yeah, it’s only been a day, but I can totally see that. I’m hungering for Friday night. All day I dreamed of 5:30, and even though I’m freaking exhausted, I don’t want to go to sleep. I want to stare at her all night. I don’t want to waste a minute.

    Because it is… it’s unnatural! We work all day to pay for these houses that we’re too tired to enjoy when we get home at night. We spend most of our time in them sleeping. Our family, the people we love the most, are the people we see the least. We spend our days with strangers who might become friends, sure, but they’re not flesh and blood. We sit at desks and stare at screens and get fat asses. It’s no way to live.

    I love that I’m a writer. I’m grateful to have a job. But I miss my baby like hell and I wish I could do both. Plus, I found out today that my hours are really 8-5:30 despite the fact that for the last year I’ve been leaving at 5. Okayyyyyy…so now I’m getting home at 6. That’s 10.5 hours (counting my 7:30 morning departure, and assuming I don’t have to stop for groceries or anything). *Sigh.*

    I know it will get better. Everyone keeps saying it will get better. Molly was fine, well-behaved even. Not fussy. My sister’s kids were beside themselves with excitement. They kept giving her toys and her cousin Addison was a little mommy, helping to change her diaper and give her her bottle.

    Speaking of bottles – can I get advice from my fellow pumpers? Today at my sister’s house, Molly drank 15 ounces of frozen breastmilk. At work I pumped three times (at the insistence of a fellow coworker pumper, who claims that’s all I would need). All together I got 10 ounces. So… should I be pumping 4 times? I don’t want to run out, but if she’s drinking 15 ounces per day then I will soon. I’ll admit I was a little lazy about tracking how often she ate while I was home… mostly because I used nursing to soothe pretty often, so those weren’t really feedings. It just felt like I had a boob out 24/7, so this whole “schedule” thing is really throwing me.

    OK, time to go enjoy my short time with my daughter. Also, how cute is her report card from today? Ha, my sister is crazy (but I love her).

    schedule

    Posted by amanda 14 Comments
    Filed Under: parenting mishaps, the big things Tagged: back to work

    Aug 14

    don’t make me go…

    Aug 14

    I’m going back to work on Monday.

    sadpuppy

    I’m going to admit something that anyone who has talked to me over the past few weeks might be surprised to hear: I can kind of understand why 6 weeks is the time when most moms go back. That doesn’t mean I agree with it. It just means I understand it.

    When I was pregnant, I started dreading going back to work – before she was even born! Those first few weeks post-partum, it wasn’t even a thought. Even at 4 weeks, the thought of leaving her for any length of time was simply unfathomable. But right around the 6 week mark, I started to notice a marked change in her. She started holding her head up better. She finally started filling out. No longer the 4 lb, 4 ounce little peanut I brought home from the hospital, my baby was just less fragile in general. That didn’t mean I wanted to leave her… it just meant I started feeling like maybe I could and she would be OK.

    I’ve been home for 8 weeks (one perk of a c-section…2 extra weeks to recover). It’s not enough time. Five years would not be enough time. Is the work I’m doing more important than spending my days with my daughter? NO. Do I need to work so that those days aren’t spent living in a cardboard box? Sigh… yes. I know it’s hard for every mom to go back, but I seriously think there should be some special grant or something that IF’ers could apply for to let them stay home longer and still collect an income. I fought like hell for 3.5 years for this child, and now that I finally have her, I have to leave her for the better part of her day. It’s just really unfair.

    I think the other hard thing is that in this age of technology, it seems like most of us in the corporate world should be able to work from home most days. Especially since I’m a writer. Then at least I could see her during the day, even if I would need someone to watch her while I was working. Unfortunately, it’s not an option at my current place of employment. It’s just not something they do.

    It’s funny – a week after having her, I was showing up at my mother-in-laws with a full face of makeup, house vacuumed and spotless, all by 10 am. These days I’ve been experiencing a kind of productivity regression. Maybe I’m mentally digging my toes in, refusing to do anything. Lately I’ve been showering every other day and only leaving home out of necessity. This morning Molly and I stayed in our pajamas until 10:30 making pancakes. These are the things that I’ll miss the most.

    Every morning Eric cheerfully reminds me how many days I have left until I go back to work, and has been since a week ago. I think a part of him expects me to reply one day with a staunch refusal, and maybe he’s just testing me to see if I’m really planning on going. I know that I have to. I know it will suck, and then it will slowly get better until it feels normal. I guess that’s the problem – right now this feels normal, being with my daughter every minute of every day. I don’t want that to change. I don’t want anything else to feel normal.

    This sucks.

    Posted by amanda 8 Comments
    Filed Under: parenting mishaps, the big things, the little things Tagged: going back to work

    Aug 05

    beach baby

    Aug 05

    Every year we go to Ocean City, Maryland on vacation.

    It’s really the perfect place for us. No, it’s not classy – in fact, it’s cheesy and tourist-y and even garish at times. The boardwalk is loud and the shops are jam-packed with chintzy memorabilia that’s horribly overpriced. But we’ve been going since I was ten years old. What was once just my nuclear family vacation has grown over the years, and this year we had a record turnout – 36 people. My family, my extended family, and many member of Eric’s family. We spread out in five condos and took up a decent plot of land on the beach.

    Every year Ocean City has been different. When I was ten, it was all about playing in the sand. When I was fifteen, it was all about dressing cute and walking up and down the boardwalk with my best friend, collecting phone numbers we knew we’d never call. When I was 21, I started going out to bars. Eric proposed to me in Ocean City (twice). Last year I was so, so sad. We drank in the condo a lot. There are a bunch of pictures of me on the beach, at night, trying to look peaceful. I know I keep saying this, but it’s just remarkable how different everything was this year. Everything I’d been imagining and wanting for so long finally happened.

    Molly did great on the beach. There was one minor incident where sand got thrown in her face, but other than that the whole thing went off without a hitch. She slept in the car for most of the way there, and even though we hit traffic we only had to stop to feed her once. Oh, did I mention she’s been sleeping through the night since she was 4 weeks old? I know. I have no idea how I got so lucky. Every night I wait for it to stop abruptly, but so far she’s out from about 10 pm to 5 am. It’s so nice. Breastfeeding is also going better, and she’s slooowly starting to not rely on the nipple shield anymore. I bought a Maya wrap before vacation and every day I would nurse her in it on the walk to the beach. After a week, I started to get good at it. Hands-free nursing is so much easier and more convenient!

    What else? Just two short weeks until I go back to work. So far I’ve only been separated from her for four hours at most. A full workday will definitely be an adjustment.

    I swear I had more to say, but I’ve been waiting for two days to write this post. The hours pass by so quickly…and I’m trying to savor each and every one.

    Here’s some vacation photos:

    chillin' in her beach chair

    chillin’ in her beach chair

    beachmemolly

    hanging out with the big kids

    hanging out with the big kids

    oh, my heart...

    oh, my heart…

    sleeping with Aunt Sarah

    sleeping with Aunt Sarah

    first dip of toes in the sea!

    first dip of toes in the sea!

    I searched far and wide for a hat that small

    I searched far and wide for a hat that small

    beachfam

    beachme

    Posted by amanda 8 Comments
    Filed Under: miscellany, monthly updates, parenting mishaps Tagged: OCMD, vacation

    Jul 14

    adventures in camping (with a newborn)

    Jul 14

    It’s funny to me how many people proclaimed that I was “brave” or “ambitious” to be camping with a newborn.

    Maybe a little… but really, from what I’ve observed, I’d venture a guess that camping with a toddler or even a young child is a lot more ambitious. I mean, if I put Molly in her little rocker and turned my back for a second, I knew she’d still be sitting in that same rocker. Do the same thing with a 2-year-old, and she’d more than likely be riding a bear piggyback or something.

    In other words, newborns are low maintenance. On our camping trip, she did the same things that she does at home – eat. sleep. poop. Yes, waking up to nurse in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night is not as comfy as doing the same in my own home, but still, we were in our camper. It’s not like we were tent camping.

    It was very nice and relaxing, and we’re already making plans to go again and make good use of our new camper that we just purchased this year.

    Here’s something I didn’t realize about our little camping excursion: one year ago last weekend, I was camping. I was also in the midst of a miscarriage. Sometimes I feel bad because I usually reference the miscarriage of the twins more often, and it almost seems like Baby Toast (who we lost on July 8th) is “forgotten about.” But how could I forget? This is a line from my post last year, the one entitled “camping and miscarriage are not mutually enjoyable”

    It’s still possible to have a baby of our own to take camping next year. Far-fetched, perhaps, but possible.

    I seriously want to go back in time and hug myself. I want to tell this sad, past version of myself that one year can make all the difference, and that camping will never be the same again. Then I want to show her (me) these pictures and say, “See? It all works out in the end.”

    camping3

    camping4

    camping2

    camping1

    Posted by amanda 13 Comments
    Filed Under: milestones, parenting mishaps, the little things Tagged: camping

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    hello, my name is deeda


    sister, daughter, wife, and mama to 5 sweet children on earth, 4 in heaven. self-conscious writer. voracious reader. sarcasm enthusiast. dependable Taurus. lover of broken things. reluctant adult. FOMO sufferer. drinker of coffee. burner of toast.

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