the world’s ugliest bathroom: a photo assemblage

All in all, our house is not so bad. It’s not the “forever home” that I hope to one day have. Eric and I (surprisingly) agree that it will be a farm, or at least a turn-of-the-century farmhouse, with more than 5 acres, lots of animals, and tons of character. I think my worst nightmare would be living in a McMansion of any kind, even if I could afford one. I want charm oozing out of the plaster and lath exposed beam walls. I want a rich tapestry of history. I would even settle for a few good-natured ghosts, if that’s what it took.

But back to this house. It’s your typical 60’s rancher, with the added bonus of a walkout basement so you can kind of pretend it’s two stories. When we first came to look at it, we were expecting a 2-bedroom as advertised. Imagine our surprise at finding an entire third undisclosed bedroom, which I guess is technically just a “room” since there is no closet, but it’s in the hall with the other bedrooms. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck…

There are a lot of things I don’t care for and a lot of things I’ve come to not mind so much. When we first moved in, I obsessed over the hideous interior doors. I thought for sure that my retinas would burn out of my skull if I had to endure their ugliness for longer than a week. This did not happen. I wouldn’t say I like the doors now, but I certainly don’t notice them like I did at first.

There is one intolerable problem. When we first moved in, the bathroom was just an outdated eyesore. Now, thanks to our dog, it’s become the quintessential crackhouse bathroom. Please see below for photographic evidence.

You’ll notice right off the bat (if you’re not legally blind) that I am missing half of the floor. Well, let me tell you a little something about Bird. Bird does not like being closed up in small spaces. When Bird does not like something, he’s not afraid to tell you about it – in his own way. I documented how this happened back in May of last year with Naughty Bird & the stinky chickens.

But the floor (or lack thereof) is only part of the problem here. So many other issues plague this bathroom that I often gaze upon it with a feeling of hopelessness. I’m at my wits end.

 

 

 

Here are some close-ups:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why am I posting this? Well, my deepest desire is that this blog post will go viral and someone from Bath Crashers will say, “By George! This is the most challenging yet rewarding project that we could ever hope to undertake! Although we are only casting in the LA metro area (as usual, because clearly those are the only people who need bathroom makeovers), we are going to make this onetime exception and fly 3,000 miles to REDO THIS BATHROOM! Just for the THRILL OF IT.”

It makes sense, really. The bathroom is just dripping with potential. First of all, I’m not sure if the photos do it justice, but it’s HUGE. There is plenty of space to do what we want, including a separate shower and tub, a double vanity, an in-room linen closet and even some extra room for ballroom dancing lessons. Space is a huge one on the plus side.

So why don’t we just do it ourselves? Well, first of all, I’m not 100% certain our marriage could survive another home reno project (the kitchen cabinets were the trial run for that, and let’s just say… it didn’t go well). Neither of us is a professional contractor. Eric is handy, but he’s also a perfectionist. I think he even wants a professional to do the work. And that brings us to the real reason – $$$$$$$. I’m sure you’ve heard that bathroom renovations are somewhat pricey. We both agree that just doing one or two little things that we can afford would be a waste, especially since we would just have to redo those things when the real renovation got going.

So we continue to suffer in the crackhouse bathroom. I find myself apologizing for it when people come over and cringing when someone asks, “So where’s the bathroom?” I always throw in the “Bird ripped up the floor! Ha-HA!” disclaimer, but it’s just sounding like a tired excuse. So if you see any bathroom makeover project contests or know a professional contractor who does charity work for his/her portfolio, please let me know. In the meantime… please don’t laugh at me (to my face, anyway).