burnt toast life

today + one month = DD

Here we are, exactly one month until the big DD. Not that I want it to happen that day because of previously stated maternity leave issues, but technically, that’s the day marked on my calendar. Eeek!

I’ll be honest – and you can quote me on this – I think I’m going to go early. Space is LIMITED in the ol’ uterus. It’s really weird… I wake up and feel pretty decent/comfortable, but as the day goes on my stomach just gets tighter and tighter until it’s 7pm and I’m writhing around on the couch pitifully, insisting that someone needs to, “GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT OF ME RIGHT NOW.” Sometimes it literally feels like he’s just going to pop right out of there. It’s hella uncomfortable – like wearing an about-to-burst balloon that someone insists on continuing to inflate. Like, can’t you see there’s no more room in there? How am I going to survive for 4 more weeks?

Another reason I think he may come early is because he’s been head down for the past two months. So I think he’s ready (and is probably very cramped). I’m a little nervous that I won’t know I’m actually in labor because contractions have been described as a “tightening” and that’s something I experience on a daily basis. My whole abdomen is just… tight. It would be nice to know what it felt like but I don’t know. Remember with Molly I was induced, and the pain I felt was excruciating from the get-go. Now in hindsight I’m wondering if that’s because the abruption was happening. Would that make it hurt more? I have no idea. I just hope I realize I’m in labor and I don’t wind up on the news as some crazy person who gave birth at her desk at work because she was too stupid to realize what was happening. Especially for a second child. Plus… embarrassing, right?

Anywho…

Last night I posted the following status on Facebook:
fpost

The funny part about it was that about 2 minutes after I posted, the person who posted the article I’m referring to commented her apologies. Funny/awkward that she totally knew I was talking about her!

I’m starting to hate Facebook these days and that’s one huge reason why. I don’t know if your friends are the same way, but for some reason, a huge number of people on my feed (and the girl in question from last night is not even close to the worst offender, if you’re reading this S, I’m sorry to keep calling you out!) feel compelled to share links to these horrifying news stories, but I cannot for the life of me figure out why. Like… what is the point? There’s nothing I can do; the damage is done. All you’ve done is confirm that evil people exist and now I have to be haunted with the knowledge that another terrible thing happened to another innocent person. So essentially, you’ve ruined my day and made me feel helpless and sad, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Thanks.

And before you say, “So just don’t click on the article,” know that most of the time I don’t click, but the title and photo tell me more than enough. In this case I did click in because apparently I love to torture myself. Hence the sobbing. And no I’m not telling you what it was about because I’m not mean like that. Go to sleep tonight happy knowing that you don’t know. It’s better that way.

In the realm of social media, Twitter confuses me/stresses me out because I can never “catch up” and it just makes me feel like I’m constantly missing out on something. It’s easier to just never log in. I’m way too old for Snapchat. LinkedIn is boring and possibly pointless (unless you’re job hunting). Is Google+ still even a thing? The only social media space I really love anymore is Instagram, so if you want to find me, that’s where I’ll be. Ok, rant over.

I was toying around with doing yet another post about friendship or lack thereof but at this point I’ve written about it so many times that you all probably think I’m a huge loser or something. So rather than make a big deal about it, I’ll just add in my thoughts here at the end of this long-winded post that most of you have possibly stopped reading by now anyway. Sound good? Ok, good.

Friendship. I did finally make friends at work (remember how worried I was about not being accepted at first?) and that’s been fantastic. Monday through Friday, 8am to 5pm, I have a great group of girls to chat with, eat lunch with, and text randomness to. A few are actually cool enough that we could conceivably hang out after hours, but I live about 40 minutes away from where I work and all my new pals live near work, not near home. Soooo as much as I like the one girl, and as nice as it is that she has a fire in her backyard every Thursday and invited me to come, ain’t no way I’m going to drive the 40 minutes home, bundle up the baby and the husband, and then drive 40 minutes back to stand around in the cold.

In general, as I’ve mentioned repeatedly now, I really miss having close female friendships in my life. This is going to sound silly, but sometimes Molly is playing so nicely or just being so cute that I want to share her with someone. My God, does that make me sound crazy? But really. I’m proud of how good she is and how sociable and sweet. I know there must be other women out there with children around the same age and I can’t help but envision us hanging out together, watching our little ones play. But I don’t know how to find these people!

My sister got so pissed at me last time I wrote a post like this because she thought I was implying that she wasn’t my friend and that I didn’t want to hang out with her. Duh, anyone with a brain can figure out that my sister is my best friend. But sometimes I feel like a burden to her – like she has to be the default person I always call to do stuff with and maybe she doesn’t always want to hang out. Plus, she watches Molly all week long and while I know she loves Molly like one of her own, maybe she needs a small Molly-break on weekends.

In my little town, there’s an active mom’s club for stay at home moms that I can’t join because I’m not a stay at home mom (oh, the discrimination!). There’s that website I joined called Mom Meet Mom (I think they changed their name now?) that never amounted to anything. Then there’s MeetUp.com, which conveniently has nothing promising on it besides the aforementioned SAHM club. So… yeah.

My prediction is that once Molly is in school or starts doing activities I will naturally begin to meet and make friends with other moms with kids the same age. My problem, as usual, is just impatience. So at this point I guess I need to calm down and just classify this weird interim as “the friendless years” (which was the working title of my pathetic post that never got written). Or maybe I’m just no fun and I’ll be stuck writing rambling posts and having nothing but internet friends for the rest of my life. Hey! Stranger things have happened.

random monday mumblings

You’re all too kind.

No, seriously…you guys are too nice to me.

First, no one pointed out the egregious error on my last post pairing an FET with an IUI. I mean, how stupid was that? I have no excuse besides, perhaps, that I’ve never done an IUI and that I was trying to “sound cool.” (Assuming that even fertiles are familiar with the term IVF but may not have heard of IUI, so it made the whole line more obscure in general).

Next – perusing Pinterest, I saw this:

usmachine

There I was, several posts ago, claiming that I’d make my millions with an at-home ultrasound machine when lo and behold one already exists (with an iPhone app, of course)! Well, wouldja look at that. Now I feel stupid (again).

And then while browsing The Berry (I had some spare time this weekend, what of it?), I found some dude who managed to create cotton candy flavored grapes. Anyone who knows Erika from Something Beautiful would understand that she needed to be informed about the existence of these grapes, like, yesterday. As I was frantically emailing her, my dear husband sauntered over to ask what I was doing.

Me: “I have to tell Erika about these grapes!”
He: “Who is Erika?”
Me: “Like, duh, she’s one of my favorite bloggy friends, of which I have many, and who I have most certainly mentioned before!”

I won’t rehash the whole argument, but let’s just say he and I have differing opinions on what consititutes “friendship.” His opinion: never met, not friends. My opinion? Friends come in all forms. True, I haven’t seen any of your smiling faces in real life or even in photos (and some of you I only know by blog name), but many of you gals know me better than people who I know in real life.

And I’m not going to lie – I have a deep and abiding fear that those of you who are pregnant right now will abandon your blogs once the bouncing bambino(s) make an arrival. And rightly so – it’s your blog, it’s your life. Yes, there have been countless posts arguing whether or not a parenting blog has any business existing in the world of IF blogs if the author is technically an IF’er. But still, selfishly, I don’t want it to end. I don’t want you all to leave me. I’ve come to depend on your advice, your encouragement, your commiseration… hell, if that’s not friendship, I don’t know what is. My real life friendships have suffered if those friends are not blog followers (thankfully, most of them are). Because it’s kind of annoying to answer the “What’s new?” question with a laundry list of treatments, failures and lamentations. Better to just say, “Well, besides what you read on the blog…”

Perhaps this is laziness. Really, I think I’d be more guarded and reserved when it came to sharing if I didn’t have a space to write. Mostly because I’m far more eloquent with written words than spoken words, but also because who wants to tell these stories over and over again? How many times can I say the word “miscarriage” out loud before my head explodes?

Psychologically, I’m sure it goes deeper than just missing your blogs if you chose to abandon them. I don’t want to get left behind, period. I don’t want to be the only one left in our group still cycling and failing. On a related note, when confronted with a date in early September that would involve drinking, I immediately thought, “But no, that’s the 2ww and I can’t drink.” Seriously? I am thoroughly convincing myself that this off-cycle is a real try, proving once again that even while taking a break, I can’t actually take a break. There’s always something going on in my baby-scheming mind.

Oh, hello, rambling and nonsensical post. To sum up, in case you have as much trouble following my thought train as I do:

1) I feel stupid re-reading my own posts, because I keep making stupid mistakes that you’re all kind enough to ignore, so thank you
2) I miss you even though you’re not gone yet
3) I think we are friends, even if just bloggily
4) I genuinely care about your welfare and depend on your support and encouragement more than you know (see item 3)
5) I wish we could all have a playdate (technically I didn’t even mention this yet, but it’s a fact); (see item 3)
6) I can’t actually take a break even when I’m supposed to be taking a break

Well, in case you haven’t noticed, I am deliriously tired (emphasis on delirious, heh). We went to my uncle’s house in Massachusetts for the weekend and camped out Woodstock-style in his backyard, and then we didn’t arrive home until after 11 last night. Even the dogs were too tired to go out this morning, which is a first for them. While they spent the day recovering in bed, I went to work and tried to contribute worthwhile, inspiring cigar copy whilst refilling my coffee cup as quickly as I could empty it (and no, I still haven’t given up caffeine. Dammit).

Now I’m a little punch-drunk and completely drained of coherent thought. So why am I blogging right now? No clue. I’m done. Goodnight.