Today was so much better. I guess that’s just how life is – good days and bad days. You can’t lose all hope during the bad days, and you can’t expect the good days to last forever. You just have to keep breathing, keep living and keep going.
Want to know what really helped? My dress today. As most of you may have noticed, I’ve been lamenting my weight gain over the past couple of months and have been reluctant to buy any new clothes, but I feel awkward and uncomfortable wearing my regular clothes because they don’t fit correctly. My mom did a closet cleaning this weekend and I was able to snag a couple of things from her. My mom: she’s the sort of person who will buy things and forget she has them, resulting in a closet stuffed full of brand-new-with-tags merchandise and unworn shoes. She was finally forced to confront the situation when her closet rod detached from the wall and collapsed from the sheer weight of her dress collection. True story.
Besides having a bunch of brand new stuff, she has a range of sizes spanning from size two to about size sixteen. It was nice, because I snatched up a bunch of stuff that wasn’t quite the right size for her or my sister. It was like going shopping and not spending any money. New clothes (literally) for free? Yes, please!
When I put on my brand new, perfect fit black sheath, Coach heels and chunky funky necklace this morning, I felt a little bit glamorous. And that’s when I realized… I’ve been kind of slacking in the personal maintenance department. Sure, I shower every day and put on makeup and blow dry my hair. But that’s where the effort stops. We have a casual dress code at work, so I can literally wear jeans and a t-shirt every single day. My outfits lately have been just that, with flip flops and maybe a bracelet if I’m feeling adventurous. After work I come home, peel off my comfortable clothes and put an even comfier ensemble of yoga pants and oversized shirts (often Eric’s that I’ve stolen) with a messy bun. It’s not sexy. Sometimes it’s not even presentable. And I do believe that your outfit can make your mood better, and your view of yourself can change your whole day.
I doubt I’m going to start dressing up all the time now, and I still love me some wine and yoga pants at the end of a long day. But still… putting in a little effort today made me realize how much I’ve been neglecting me. The girly, silly, makeup and stilettos version of me. I don’t have kids yet, that’s true. So I’m thinking it’s my time to be a little selfish and even a little vain. And if it boosts my mood in the process, that’s really a good thing. Bring on the dresses and impractical heels.
On the fertility front, I got an email from New Hope today that nearly gave me a heart attack right there at my desk. I assumed that they were emailing me to let me know I was out of the trial, my time was up, it’s been real fun but now it’s done. Of course it didn’t actually say that. They asked if I was getting a hysteroscopy (Dr. L mentioned that last time) and also inquired about my well-being. Then at the end they said to “let them know when I’m ready to move forward.”
What an uplifting email, right? See, they don’t normally communicate with me at all. This proves that they still want to keep me around, which helps to ease my worrying mind. On top of that, my friend at work (the same dear soul who suggested clinical trials in the first place) found a Reproductive Immunologist who, according to some quick research, does free Skype consults. FREE! I’ve yet to call or investigate what that entails, but it sure beats $900. At the very least, it gives me a little bit of hope for right now.
So, to sum up – I’m less worried about starting up treatments again (when I’m ready, of course), today I was all, “Damn, I feel like a woman” in my new dress and tomorrow I leave for vacation. My mood is better. My outlook is sunnier. It’s been a pretty good day.