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Jul 23

now, if I could just stop crying…

Jul 23

I’ll be honest: things aren’t going well at all. I was actually feeling better a week ago, and I’m not sure why. My mom said it’s hormones and my body going back to “normal” when it doesn’t want to be “normal” (a.k.a. not pregnant). Maybe that’s true. All I know is that in the past couple of days, my eyes have been welling up way more often than usual.

Here’s a list of things that have made me cry in the past week:

1. My pregnant sister-in-law needed the stockpile of maternity clothes that I’ve been hoarding (they’re not even mine, they belong to a bunch of formerly pregnant friends and family members). Remember, I still had them closed up in a room (the not-nursery). Well, she’s getting to the point of needing them, so she texted me about it. I don’t fault her for needing them or for asking me for them. Really, I should have given them back already. But it still freaking sucked to face those damn clothes and pack them back into boxes. So, I cried.
2. An article in Reader’s Digest about a premature baby who had a 0% chance of survival and lived.
3. At a town craft fair on Saturday, I saw a young-ish dad walking around with twin girls. I thought of how Eric doesn’t get to do that. I cried.
4. The movie The Odd Life of Timothy Green. OK, the movie was pretty weird and I actually got bored enough that I stopped watching it halfway through. But the premise and the beginning was quite brutal. It’s about an infertile couple who gives up on treatments and decides to live child-free. They get drunk one night and write out lists of what their kid would have been like, then go out back and bury the lists in the garden. That night a freak rainstorm causes this child, their child, to grow in the garden like a flower. He arrives in their house muddy, ten years old and exactly as they had described, even calling them mom and dad. Yeah, it’s freaking weird. But still… I cried.
5. Jennifer Garner is the mom in the aforementioned movie. I know she has cute kids and that in the movie she’s just pretending to suffer from infertility. Yes, that made me cry.
6. Facebook. Everything about Facebook.
7. Sex (nothing sexier than crying, right?)
8. Re-purposing the non-nursery. We live in a 3 bedroom house – one is the master bedroom, one is the office and one has been a sort of catch-all room. That’s where all the maternity clothes and miscellaneous baby items have lived for the last two years. It’s so obviously meant to be a nursery (right next to the master, perfect little bump out architectural feature where the crib would go). But then Eric got on a cleaning kick this weekend. He totally scoured and reorganized the office. Next he tackled this weird empty room and set it up as a guest room with a single bed that’s been stored in the attic. It makes sense to have it as a guest room – when we have overnight guests, they have to sleep on the couch, which is stupid because we have an extra room and bed and everything. Still, I don’t want to be logical and set it up as a guest room. I probably drove Eric nuts with the amount of times that I said, “But eventually it will be a nursery, right? Like, soon it will be? Very soon?” and he had to repeatedly assure me, “Yes, eventually it will. When the time comes.” And then… I cried.
9. Thinking and over-thinking, then thinking some more
10. Watching our wedding video
11. The realization that I stopped bleeding and that this miscarriage is officially over
12. Stress over what’s next. If I wait, will the trial still do another embryo transfer without charging me? Even if I don’t wait, will it be considered part of the trial, or not? Dr. L said it would, but she also said she was 100% sure Braverman would be covered by insurance, so I don’t have total confidence in the things she tells me. I could ask the question… but then there’s a chance I could get a “no.” I think I’m going to try to sneak in and just call on CD1 when I’m ready to cycle again. But when will that be? Which cycle will I choose? (Stress. Anxiety. Cue more tears).
13. That anxiety attack I mentioned in my last post and the continuing drama surrounding it spurred a hell of a lot of crying (I promise to tell this story eventually, but it’s getting its own post).

I know I must be missing some, because I cried more than thirteen times (scary, but true). There were plenty of times where I cried for no discernible reason at all. I know it’s OK to be sad and to just let it out. I’m also handling it… like, you don’t need to call anyone or anything. I’m not depressed, really; I’m just unbelievably sad. I’m worried (dammit, anti-anxiety pills, work better!) and nervous, and tired and sad.

Once again I’m looking forward to a week long beach trip, this time with my husband and my whole family. And again, it couldn’t come at a more perfect time. I plan to get back to eating better (literally ate an entire tray of brownies and drank a huge bottle of wine over the course of this past week), exercising, exploring acupuncture and starting yoga beginning the Monday I get back, which is the beginning of August. I keep picturing August as my month of healing, and maybe September, too. I haven’t even counted out when I can expect my next period or anything. I’m intentionally avoiding focusing on dates and numbers.

But for now, I just need to stop crying so much.

Posted by amanda 29 Comments
Filed Under: miscarriage Tagged: crying

Jan 05

what mood swings?

Jan 05

Last night I cried inconsolably for fifteen minutes. The culprit? A slightly emotional (but not devastating) scene on the show Parenthood.

For some reason when I heard that these injections could cause mood swings, I pictured a pendulum. I figured that I would either be on one end of the spectrum – happy – or the other end – sad. What I was not prepared for was a myriad of confusing, specific emotions that may be drug side effects or may just be my inner psyche manifesting the intensity of the situation. I will never know.

Since I started the injections almost a week ago, I have felt extreme joy, irritation, confusion, instability, excitement, fear, impatience, apprehension, gratitude and above all, anxiety. I feel anxious that the moment of truth is quickly approaching. Months ago, before we knew that any of this would be happening, we planned a short trip to Denver to sight see,  snowboard and visit with Eric’s cousin. We are leaving this Thursday. So on top of worrying about what’s to come and getting my next, incredibly expensive prescription in time, I have to plan on and pack for a vacation. I’m excited, but stressed. Very, very stressed.

The injections are going well. Eric’s mom did the first two and Eric has done all subsequent shots. The first night he had to do one I had already angered him by parking in his spot (accidentally), so he may have enjoyed doing it a little too much.

I have a whole other post planned addressing this, but I just want to take a moment to thank you all for the support and well wishes. I didn’t expect so many likes, comments, private messages, texts, in-person conversations and genuine concern. It means so much to have all of you surrounding us and encouraging us through this frightening yet exciting time. I know now that I made the right choice sharing this journey rather than keeping it all inside. I probably would have had a breakdown without a proper place to vent it all out.

Like I said, we’re headed to Denver next week. Hopefully I can relax and enjoy myself and just take my mind off it all for a little while. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Posted by amanda 1 Comment
Filed Under: IVF, monthly updates, the little things Tagged: anxiety, crying, Denver, injections, IVF, life, mood swings, stress, vacation

hello, my name is deeda


sister, daughter, wife, and mama to 5 sweet children on earth, 4 in heaven. self-conscious writer. voracious reader. sarcasm enthusiast. dependable Taurus. lover of broken things. reluctant adult. FOMO sufferer. drinker of coffee. burner of toast.

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