First of all, I got the results of my allergy test back today. “You do not have food allergies,” said the nurse, in what I consider an accusatory tone.
What. the. hell.
I know I’m allergic to corn syrup. I KNOW IT. Even when I’m not pregnant, I can feel the effects of it minutes after drinking it. A coating forms down the length of my throat. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not life threatening. Pregnancy made it practically unbearable, causing me to lose my voice for days and feel like I was in the throes of the worst case of strep throat ever. Don’t tell me I don’t have a corn allergy when my body clearly disagrees.
I have an appointment with my PCP on Wednesday at his insistence, probably because I keep ordering all these random tests and he hasn’t seem my face in years. He’s a nice enough guy but I don’t really trust him to believe my crazy theory, especially with the results of the immunocap. Then again, do I need him to believe me? I’m the one in charge of my diet and nutrition here.
My pal Google revealed a fertility immunologist in Manhattan who specializes in recurrent miscarriages and immune system disorders. I guess I’m not technically “recurrent” even though I did lose two at once, but it’s somehow comforting to know this guy is out there. So if it does happen again, I have somewhere to turn.
I finally went back to work today. It was weird showering in the morning and putting on makeup. I literally haven’t blow dried my hair in over a week. I only cried once at work – when my friend/coworker came over with tears glistening in her eyes and gave me a huge hug. Hence the, “Can we please talk about something else?” title post. I’m absolutely fine if I keep trudging along and avoid thinking about it. Repression and aversion are my tactics for surviving the day.
The one thing I keep doing is noticing things in a “before” and “after” light. Like, I’ll find a receipt for gas and think, “When I pumped this gas I was pregnant.” Today I got to work and thought, “The last time I sat at this spot I was blissfully unaware and still pregnant.” I can’t help but notice that today would have been my graduation day from New Hope if there would have been heartbeats last week. I would have been released to my regular OB and would never have to go back to NYC for fertility related issues again. I think today will be the last of these faux-anniversaries, though. I’m actually grateful that I was never given a real due date, so I can’t fixate on that. I deleted the pregnancy tracker app from my phone without opening it.
Ugh, I am so impatient. First of all, it’s only Monday and I want to be on the beach right now. Second – and so much more importantly – I want to be pregnant again. It’s so frustrating to be bleeding. It was such a slap in the face to go the grocery store and buy freaking sanitary napkins (what am I, 12 years old again?). I was supposed to have babies this year. 2013. Now, if I’m lucky, I’ll have one at the beginning or even the middle of next year. I know, I’m lucky to have this chance at all. I’m lucky to be able to get pregnant so easily (“So easily” = when doctors inject pre-fertilized embryos directly into my uterus). But I can’t decide – is it better to get pregnant and lose the baby or never get pregnant at all? What a morbid either/or. Ew. I can’t believe I even just thought that, let alone wrote it down.
Oh, and as a final aside to the male coworker who thought it appropriate to include me on an email entitled “Look at pictures of my baby!!!!!!” (full well knowing my situation as he was included on my sad update last week): seriously? A little sensitivity never hurt anyone. Sheesh.