Oh, drama. Why must you torment me?

I’ll start off by saying that everything is fine (which of course you already know based on my expletive-free post title). I wasn’t even planning to write about my OB/GYN visit today because I figured it would be very routine, and I had other topics from the weekend to discuss. I’ll get to those in a moment.

So first of all, I made Eric come along to the appointment because I (wrongly) assumed I’d be getting an ultrasound. We went back into the room and quickly figured out that this wasn’t the case. Apparently “normal” folks don’t get ultrasounds at every visit. Who knew? So I sent him home with a kiss and waited for the doctor to come in.

We chatted, all was great, and then she whipped out the doppler to check the heartbeat. Five minutes of scanning…nothing. I told her I had one at home and sometimes it took me up to ten minutes to find the damn thing. She laughed and said, “Yeah, but I’m not going to spend ten minutes trying. Let’s just give you an ultrasound.”

Yay. I mean…damn. Sent hubby home for nothing.

At this point I was mildly concerned, but not overly concerned, as I had just found the heartbeat yesterday afternoon (once again I say, PRAISE GOD for dopplers). But still… she should be able to find it better than I can, right? Then the nurse popped in and said someone else was in the one and only ultrasound room, so I would have to wait a while until her appointment was done. The doctor came back a few minutes after that and said she would try again with the doppler just so I wouldn’t have to wait.

Scan, scan, scan…nothing.

Seriously?

So I had to sit there, alone, for about 30 minutes waiting for an ultrasound. It was awful. I started having flashbacks. I tried to reassure myself with the fact that I had heard it the day before, but anything can happen in the space of 18 hours. I know that all too well. I was half tempted to hop off the table and try to find it myself, or go down the hall and hustle the other person out of the room through fear and intimidation.

I had mentioned that the brand of prenatal vitamins I was using was making me sick, so at one point during my wait the doctor came back in with a bunch of different samples for me to try to see if any of them worked better. This was also reassuring because I figured if she was truly concerned, she’d wait until the appointment was over before giving them to me. As it was, I was picturing how terrible it would be to have to hand them back at the front desk on the way out. And let’s not even talk about how devastating this news would be to hear two days before Christmas. The thoughts running through my head were pure torture.

Finally, I got to go in the ultrasound room. For one heart-pounding moment I saw a huge dark blob with nothing in it… and I thought, “That cannot be. It cannot be.” But guess what, guys? That big dark blob was my bladder. Which turns out was the root of this whole fiasco. My full bladder had pushed the baby way up high, and the doctor was scanning down near my pubic bone where the heartbeat is normally found. Baby is fine, somersaulting away, heartbeat is at a solid 145. Nothing to fear. Phew.

Panic over, crisis averted, composure restored. Now on to my topic of the day.

It doesn’t matter that I’m pregnant, it doesn’t even matter if one day I actually have a baby. Because the “Normal Mommy Club” is just something I’ll never be a part of.

We went to a Christmas party this weekend. It’s a party that I would have fled from screaming/crying had I not been pregnant right now. There were three pregnant chicks (including me) and the hostess has a three-week-old. Yes, she has a three-week-old and a two-and-a-half year old and managed to plan, coordinate, cook for, and host a Christmas party. Talk about super-mom.

I didn’t get the memo that you’re supposed to get a cute, Christmas-themed maternity shirt to wear around this time of year if you happen to be “with child” (and where do you even buy these)? I went to Walmart and got some oversized, tacky shirt that said something about being naughty in glitter letters. It didn’t occur to me to dress the bump adorably.

It was just so weird. Everyone talking about kids and pregnancy and babies, and for once I got to be included in the conversations. I felt like an imposter. I don’t even know how to answer the questions half the time, or how to reciprocate appropriate questions. I feel like at any moment I’ll be revealed for what I am: so decidedly not part of the club. And pretty much everyone there reads my blog, so it’s not like they don’t know my backstory, but still. I’m pregnant, yet I still cringe every time I hear a cute baby story or see a bump out of the corner of my eye. Will that ever change? Am I scarred for life?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to be crawling out of the trenches of infertility. I guess what I’m saying is that no matter what point I get to in life, the scars will still be hiding just beneath the surface. I don’t think I’ll ever freely gush over being pregnant or having kids or any of that. I’ll always be on high alert when it comes to all the stuff that used to make me scream on the inside. You can take the girl out of the infertility war, but you can’t erase what’s already happened. I’m forever changed based on this journey.

Just wondering if anyone else feels the same, and assuming that most of you do… I haven’t seen any of you morph into eternally happy mommy bloggers overnight, even those of you who gave birth recently.

I often think about what this blog will become post-baby, and I hope that it stays real and relevant. I’ll never be crafty and organized and vigilant, pureeing all-organic kale into baby food while simultaneously recording every detail in a handmade baby book. I’ll never be great. But I hope that I do stay honest, and irreverent, and humble, and grateful. So, so, so damn grateful.

As a P.S. – Today I received a gorgeous hummingbird ornament in the mail from Teresa at “Where the *bleep* is our stork?” She so graciously nominated me for The Stork Award a few weeks back, and I swear it has been on my to-do list to finally answer all her questions and nominate some more lovely ladies as well. Teresa, thank you so much. This community makes me feel so warm and accepted. Talk about being part of a club… yeah, this is it for me. No matter where life takes me, I’ll always be one of you.