I wasn’t going to post until tomorrow but something really weird just happened, and it’s not like things can happen without me blogging about them, right? Plus it’s Friday night and I genuinely have nothing better to do than sit here and tell this story. Yup, I’m almost 30, all right!

So. Remember I mentioned that I scheduled an appointment with my mom’s chiropractor because he was having an open house and offering a “free consult, free thermo scan, and free x-rays” for one day only? Well, I did that. It went fine. As expected, I’m way out of alignment according to the thermo scan, with my results skewing awkwardly to the right. After my scan and x-rays, I stood at the front desk trying to figure out what was next. The receptionist asked if I wanted to join in on the doctor’s “Free Advanced Health Class” as it had just started 5 minutes prior. I, anticipating a dinner to cook and blogs to read, politely declined. After about 15 more minutes of bullshitting, the receptionist mentioned that Health Class attendance was required in order for the doctor to go over my x-rays with me. Yeah. Weird. And ummmmm HELLO, receptionist girl, you could have LED with that fact? So I didn’t have to make a whole separate trip back? Sheeeesh.

Not gonna lie, I dreaded the class. Thought it would be stupid. Figured it would be a total waste of time and energy. But then again, I really wanted to see my x-ray results, so I reluctantly showed up one week later as promised. I listened; I learned. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. There was a lot of good information, some things I knew, some things I didn’t know. I can actually see how this whole chiropractic thing could relate to infertility/miscarriage, since the nervous system controls every function of the body and subluxations can throw it all out of whack. Made sense. Maybe a leeetle bit hippy dippy trippy, but in an OK way. And he had a really cool model of the spine that he kept using to demonstrate his points.

Best part of all was after, when he offered to go over my x-ray results right then and there. I was like, sweet! Two birds with one stone. Again, as expected, my spine is slightly, but not severely, out of whack, especially right down by the tailbone (which for some reason felt significant). The weirdest result was my neck. Apparently your neck is supposed to be curved in a very pronounced “C” shape. But my neck is stick straight up and down. This is apparently a classic sign of whiplash. The only thing I can think of is a car accident from 2006 where someone rear-ended me and my car was subsequently pushed into the car in front of me (the only accident I’ve ever been in). It wasn’t a big deal, we weren’t going fast, and I didn’t think I had whiplash at the time. But that must be it. And most alarmingly, he explained that this misalignment at the top of my neck is putting severe pressure on my brain stem. The vertebrae that’s causing trouble is the same one that Christopher Reeve damaged and that made him a quadriplegic. An extreme case, for sure. But if the good doctor was trying to use scare tactics, it was certainly working.

Then he did an adjustment right then and there. After all the build-up, I figured it would take a good amount of time, but it was literally just a crack here, a twist there, and you’re done in 3 minutes. It did feel delightful when he cracked my neck (as I had heard it would). Oh, and I’m supposed to come back three times a week for at least 3 months, then drop to two times a week, then one. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Yeah, my insurance does not cover chiropractic care. Not one red cent. I went for the consult because I strive to live by my mother-in-law’s motto: “If it’s free, it’s for me!” I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do after the appointment. I figured he would want me to come back, but I didn’t plan to go beyond that first (free) adjustment. I figured I’d take advantage of being “fixed” for the day and then ride off into the sunset.

Remember, this doctor has been treating my mom for more than 20 years now. I remember playing pretend with his daughters in his basement (and, oddly, his younger daughter showed up at the office and proclaimed that I “looked exactly the same”…as I did when I was 8, I guess). I wouldn’t call him a close family friend, but I would definitely say he’s more than just a random doctor. He knows my family well. So when I explained that I couldn’t afford three times a week ($49 a pop), he said to just set up the appointments, go home and talk to Eric, and decide what we could afford to pay per week. Then we could just pay that.

I went up to the front desk to talk it out. His receptionist/wife asked what days would work well for me to come in. Again, I explained that I did not have coverage and couldn’t commit, rehashing the whole “talk it out with my husband” plan that the doctor and I had discussed minutes before. She seemed cool with it. I left, assuming I’d probably just conveniently forget to call them back.

This morning I talked to my husband. Some real talk: the budget is tight around here. I mean…seriously tight. As in, budget for chiropractor 3x per week = $0. So then. That was that.

But then it wasn’t. Tonight at around 8, I got a phone call from an unknown number. It was the chiropractor. Calling from a hotel in Connecticut! Calling because he was so concerned I didn’t schedule the appointment. I was so taken aback by the call… I tried to stammer out an excuse about money, but again he shushed my concerns and reiterated that I should just pay what I was able to pay. I didn’t have the heart to tell him my $0 figure. The guy was calling me from a hotel on his day off, because he was that worried about my spine. Maybe creepy… maybe a little. Definitely awkward. But if you would have been on the phone, you would have just made the appointment, too. He was like, “How far is our office from work? OK, so Monday, at 5:30. You’ll be there?” He should leave the medical field and switch over to sales. Start selling ice to eskimos… or selling anything to emotional, sensitive women on the eve of their embryo transfers.

So it would appear I’m starting chiropractic care on Monday, length of treatment to be determined. I also believe that I am the world’s first chiro-sault victim, because in that world “maybe” means “yes” and “I’ll call you” means “please call me.”

Do you think they accept jars of loose change?