I woke up this morning and discovered that I was five months pregnant. No, I haven’t morphed into a creepy fairy carrying Andy Bellefleur’s quadruplets (PLEASE tell me someone gets that reference). It would appear that I’m incredibly bloated, which is a fabulous attribute to add to my current state of itchiness and gassy-ness. I’m just a whole lotta sexy wrapped into one here, aren’t I?
I hit my personal peak of fatness in Cayman, and ever since have been slowly slimming down and even fitting into clothes I haven’t worn in months. Of course I realized that this could not last if this cycle was successful, and it goes without saying that I want a huge rotund belly more than I’ve ever wanted anything. But it was a little strange to go to bed with a relatively flat tummy and wake up looking very pregnant, indeed. I’m thinking this has less to do with the baby(ies) and more to do with something I ate that didn’t agree with me. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know what it was.
I was recently caught plugging the new Turkey Hill All Natural ice cream on Facebook because the existence of it practically moved me to tears. Remember, this was mere days after I had to skip the ice cream social at work because they purchased a brand that had corn syrup. ALSO, while waiting in line to pay for my groceries, a kind woman in front of me in line (who I had been silently judging for buying so many TV dinners and HFCS poisoned sodas) turned around and offered me a $1 off coupon for the very same ice cream I was purchasing. It was fated.
The whole scene made me want to go on a rant about how if more food companies cared about people and used fewer, less scary and unpronounceable additives, the world would be a better place. This ice cream has four ingredients – cream, milk, sugar and cocoa. That’s all. Reading the ingredient list made me want to do a fist pump right there in the frozen foods aisle. I imagined a supermarket filled with delightful options such as this, and in doing so, my own personal heaven started to take shape.
But here’s the thing… I am lactose intolerant. And only after two days of savoring small-ish bowls of mind-blowing, all natural ice cream and waking up to super preggo belly bloat did I realize that perhaps I should start popping Lactaid again. Taking Lactaid (a 100% safe for pregnancy drug, btw) makes the biggest difference in the world for me. So now I just have to remember to take it. I never had a reaction to dairy the way I had one to fructose, so I’m not super freaking out over the ice cream gorging. But I have to remember… Lactaid. Always take the Lactaid.
Besides the big bloat, there’s been some creepy itching. I’ve been taking Prednisone, Estrace, baby aspirin, prenatal vitamins and doing PIO injections daily, and I’ve been itchy as all hell. A week ago I got a really fun looking rash on my abdomen that has since vanished, but it feels like my whole body is covered in hives (which it isn’t). I look like Dave Chappelle’s version of a crackhead, constantly and intensely scratching my skin in violent, jerky fits. I was taking the Estrace, PIO and prenatals last go-around and was never itchy, so I have to assume it’s the Prednisone or aspirin. It’s annoying, but still not serious enough to warrant going off my potential miracle drugs. One of those two things will be my salvation here, right? So I’ll just have to continue acting like a quasi-crackhead.
On a serious note, I’m more concerned than normal about things like bloating. My body is supposed to be settled and serene for this part, and it is to some extent, but I’m not 100% perfect yet. Each physical malady leads me to wonder, “Am I screwing this up? Am I causing my immune system to attack the baby toast(s)?” (Shoutout to Lentil for coining the embryos’ new and frankly perfect nickname).
I know, I cannot cause or prevent miscarriage. But over these last few weeks I’ve been thinking that maybe I can. So now that I’m essentially failing, I’m getting irritated. Not to mention bloated. And so itchy. Dammit.