Since the day that second line appeared, December 4th has been etched in my brain as “the day.” If I could just make it there, everything would be fine. I pictured having a mini party, posting my announcement on Facebook, maybe even cracking a bottle of bubbly (and you know… having half a sip or something). I figured December 4th would be the best day EVER.
But alas, it is not. Or maybe it is. I don’t know. That’s the kicker, isn’t it? I have no idea what’s going on in there. And I can’t help but assume doom and gloom because… well… that’s all I’ve known so far. I don’t know how to be hopeful and optimistic. I don’t know how to just assume that everything is just as it should be.
Here’s how it goes: the day of my ultrasounds I feel elated, joyous, hopeful, gratified. Those warm fuzzy feelings continue throughout the whole day and into the next, and then gradually start depleting and getting replaced with hopeless anxiety and an overwhelming sense that something could go wrong. Things could be going wrong at any moment, and how would I know? That’s how it happens. It could be over in an instant. So within a week I’m all in a tizzy expecting the worst, and by the day of the next ultrasound I’ve just come to accept my fate of whatever, half expecting there to just be no heartbeat at all. That’s how I’m feeling right now. So damn scared.
Yeah…I need the doppler. I broke down and ordered it today, and even just seeing the little confirmation email pop up to say that it shipped made me feel a tiny bit better. If there would have been a personal pick-up option, I might have driven to Atlanta tonight to get it (and this after a 16 hour round-trip jaunt to Virginia last weekend to visit family). Anyway, estimated delivery time is between Thursday and Saturday. I’m a bit concerned at what might happen if I can’t find the heartbeat myself using it (cue panicked emergency calls to the OB/GYN) especially since at this point I really SHOULD be able to. I was on the verge of going out at lunchtime to get one at Babies ‘R’ Us but the reviews on that one are so terrible that I was sure it wouldn’t work. I ended up going with the Sonoline B, a mere $50 on eBay. Now it just needs to get here. And find me a good, detectable heartbeat so I can stop freaking the hell out.
What else is going on? I love when people ask me that. As if freaking out over assumed tragedies isn’t a full-time occupation. Well, I had a good Thanksgiving, deliciously gluten-free. As mentioned earlier, my whole fam traveled down South to visit my dad’s side of the family, so that was cool. There was a Cracker Barrel at every exit… I’ve never seen that many Cracker Barrels. And yes, we did stop to eat there…twice. Other than that, not much. I have a slew of Christmas parties coming up and this will be the first year that I can’t drink at all. It’s not that I’m some huge drinker, it’s just that a glass of wine here or there really helps to get me nice and sociable, you know? I tend to be shy and reserved at parties and sometimes I have a bitchy look on my face without trying to (ever hear of Resting Bitch Face?) So yeah. I hope I can be fun and have fun while stone cold sober.
Such problems to have, right? To have this go well, I’d gladly give up drinking for the rest of my life. I don’t need liquor to be happy…I need this baby. Come on, doppler… ship faster!
It’s the eve of the second trimester, and all through the house…yeah, I have no rhyme for that. Sorry.