After much debate, both internally and externally, I called New Hope to report CD1 yesterday. And while I’m sure you don’t need me to, I do feel some sense of obligation to defend my decision to do this. Here are my reasons:
1) I was very disappointed when we didn’t get pregnant the low-tech way, despite all evidence that we would not (a.k.a. 2 years of evidence). Maybe it was the itchy nip, maybe it was just the fact that I’ve jumped that hurdle now twice. A BFP didn’t seem impossible anymore. HA!
2) Clinical trial, people, clinical trial. It’s over. My participation in it is questionable, since technically I was supposed to be kicked out in June. Any moment someone is going to realize this.
3) I’m not going to be able to afford going to a Reproductive Immunologist this century. Even if I could, I wouldn’t be able to afford the treatments. So… waiting changes nothing. I know the protocol. Dr. L can prescribe the things I can afford, like Lovenox. So why wait? (I have a whole other long post about my findings on Reproductive Immunology in general, and I will get around to posting it one of these days).
Anyway. I called New Hope yesterday, CD1. Person answering the phone checked my chart, sounded confused as to why I would call, put me on hold for a long time and then transferred me to the clinical trial mailbox (a veritable wasteland of messages that are never returned, as far as I can tell). I left a message, hung up, and started crying. I figured I was out of the trial. I even began researching clinics around here so I could start inquiring about prices for an embryo transfer, though it obviously wasn’t going to work out this month. Then I figured, hey, why not try to shoot them an email (pretty much the only way you can get a response). The nurse replied with, “Can you come in tomorrow?” Can I come in… so you can break up with me in person? So you can do monitoring? I didn’t understand. But still, I simply said, “Yes, I’ll be there.”
While I did feel better that they wanted to see me, I wasn’t entirely convinced that I was still acutally in the trial. Trial patients have red folders, regular patients have green ones (because they pay money?). I was literally the only red folder in a huge stack of appointment folders for the day. But they drew my blood. They did the sono. According to the ultrasound tech, my ovaries “looked perfect.” And then they sent me home.
I’m scheduled to go back Monday, the 23rd. So it sounds like the transfer is happening. I feel… nervous. Like it’s happening really fast, even though it’s really not. I hope that doesn’t mean I’m not ready. I think more than not ready, I’m terrified, so much more than last time. If you have one miscarriage, you won’t necessarily have two. But it seems like once you have two you’re likely to have more and more. And this is probably most likely our last try, despite having two more embryos left after this. But more on that some other time (or hopefully not, because hopefully I won’t have to worry about it).
I have a question that I’ve been curious about for some time now, and if it’s too personal or weird, I apologize. I notice that some of you get many embryos, do a transfer, then when you do another round of IVF you do the whole process over again rather than using the additional embryos from the first go-round. Is this just a fresh vs. frozen thing? A quality thing? I’m curious. As for me, I’m on my round 3 draft picks (I feel terrible saying that, haha, but it’s the truth). First time both stuck. Second time one did. Now… well, like I said, I’m nervous. I didn’t ask what the grading was because I don’t want to stress about it, but I’m assuming it’s good enough to potentially work or they wouldn’t bother. Does that make sense? Again, we have to use what we have either way, I was just wondering why some of you opt not to. Feedback appreciated.
September transfer. June due date. No psychic predictions, no premonitions, no weird coincidences. Just a random month and possibly a Gemini. I can deal with that.