I’m back from the beach! Didja miss me?
I did bring my laptop along, and our condo did have unreliable yet available internet, but I needed a break from it all. Know what I mean? I haven’t gone this long without posting in a loooong time, I’m talking long since back before I blogged about infertility and I only posted like every other month. I’ve been following along with all of you and have been pleased to note some exciting BFP’s and some ongoing positivity. This makes me feel so happy, and so hopeful for the future.
Vacation was good, it truly was. I went with Eric, his mom and my own immediate and extended family including aunts, uncles and cousins. Our unit was just me and Eric and his mom, which we kept referring to as our “adult vacation.” It was nice, but…quiet. I could take a nap whenever I wanted. His mom and I polished off an entire giant bottle of vanilla vodka in the space of a week and didn’t worry about being loud or tipsy. We went for early morning bike rides and late night dips in the hot tub. Yeah, it was a really good time, but I can’t help but hope like hell that next year is so, so different.
It was on this trip that I realized we keep doing something, perhaps intentionally, perhaps inadvertently. I probably noticed it a while ago and have been pretending to do it accidentally for some time now, if it’s possible to pretend to yourself (I don’t think it is). Here’s what we do: we talk about having kids like it’s a definite future occurrence. Eric does it all the time, and I noticed his mom does it, too. It makes me feel safe and secure in my future in ways I can’t even express. He’ll always say things like, “Yeah, but when we have kids we can’t do this…” or, “Cover your mouth when you cough. Are our kids going to have terrible manners like you do?” It’s always an offhand, throwaway comment that most people wouldn’t notice. And yes, I understand that just saying “when we have kids…” isn’t the same as having them. But it’s just that overwhelming confidence, that assured way of describing what’s so obviously part of our future that makes me feel happy inside. It gives me comfort and hope. Yeah, we will have kids. We will one day.
Besides that, there were a few notable fertility-related moments on vacation. Here’s a roundup:
– Joking around one night (and you have to understand, we say all these things with nothing but love), Eric threatened me over something or another with, “Fine, then we can never have sex again. Don’t know how you plan on having that baby you wanted.” And with that, I grinned devilishly and replied, “No problem. I’ll just go to the doctor…” HA. HA. HA.
– Drinking brought out some moments of fun and forgetfulness, but it also unleashed some demons. On one occasion I missed the twins and wanted them back so badly I almost couldn’t breathe. I started to panic that the feeling wouldn’t go away and I would just be miserable for the rest of my life, but of course it faded. I keep trying to recall it
because I’m a masochist because it almost felt good to feel the longing that deeply. Sometimes I feel like there’s something wrong with me that I didn’t mourn enough. It’s so weird.
– We went to one of those beach shops that prints up custom t-shirts. I knew vaguely that I wanted to make a shirt but had gone to four or five shops, dashing in and darting out in the pouring rain, before finding a design that I wanted. Eric and his mom were getting understandably frustrated at my indecisiveness. Then Eric noticed a design that said “Where’s Molly?” and joked that we should get that. Two things, in case you were curious – 1) we’ve planned on naming our first daughter Molly since 2003, and 2) I’m sure the shirt was referencing an illicit drug. Whatever. I wasn’t in a bad place at that moment so I laughed, but his mom got so upset by the scene that she had to leave the shop in tears. Needless to say, I picked a different design (I got an anchor that says, “Refuses to sink,” which I thought was poetic, but the more I think about it, the more I realize anchors were designed to sink. So it doesn’t really make sense but it is pretty).
– I’ve been reading the book State of Wonder, which is actually really good, but the plot centers around a scientist who goes looking for another scientist into the Brazilian jungle to find out her progress on developing a drug promising everlasting fertility. The women of some aborigine tribe never go through menopause and go on reproducing until death because they chew on the bark of some rare tree in the jungle. Yeah, it’s fiction, but I couldn’t help but think how awesome that would be.
So, back to the real world today. We missed our dogs pretty terribly, which only proves that I’ve crossed over into what can be classified as “official dog person.” It’s a strange way to think of myself. I know I’m supposed to be starting my healthy new life this weekend but I dunno… there’s a lot of leftover crap food that needs to be eaten. I’m thinking Monday sounds good for a brand new me. I do plan on going for a run tomorrow morning and I’m telling all of you this so that you hold me accountable if I fail. So please, feel free to ask me how that run went. It’s time to get this ass in gear.