Here’s something that’s been bugging me for years – why do people say, “Oh, from behind you couldn’t even tell she was pregnant!”
Who looks pregnant from behind?
I get it. These people are talking about ladies of a small build who have huge baby bumps that are shocking to behold. I have a friend like that – she’s super thin, and while pregnant it looked rather dramatic, like she swallowed a watermelon seed and somehow it sprouted inside her. But come on. Even larger women don’t look PREGNANT from behind – a little fat, maybe, but not pregnant. I’ve never looked at the back of someone and said, “Oh yes, she must be pregnant.”
It drives me crazy. Maybe it’s because I gained back all the weight I lost from going gluten-free (an all-sweets diet does have that effect), and not just in the belly, but in the hips and thighs. Maybe I’m bitter. But you know what’s really cool? I can wear any shirt I want and it all looks good now. Like before I had a pile of shirts that accentuated my stomach fat, so I put those aside for when I got back to my “thin days.” Not anymore! Now, it’s the tighter the better, and all those spandex-y shirts that made me cry hot tears into my bowl of ice cream are back out in their full glory. It’s GOOD for me to have a big fat belly. And even when I gain some weight in my thighs, my stomach is so big by comparison that it doesn’t look as bad. So far, besides the baby itself, this is the best thing about being pregnant.
At my last OB/GYN appointment, the doctor kept asking if I had any questions or concerns. She seemed disappointed that I didn’t, to the point that I found myself racking my brain for something – ANYTHING – to ask about. But the truth is, I got nothin’ (besides the whole ‘pregnant from behind’ thing).
I thought by now I would have devoured What to Expect and would be endlessly poring over nursery idea boards on Pinterest. I’m not. I’m just kind of stuck in the middle, and trying to figure out if my lack of intensity (not enthusiasm, mind you, because I sure as hell am excited) is because I don’t believe it’s actually happening, or if it’s because everything still seems a long way off.
Look, I’m a procrastinator. I work well under pressure. I sincerely doubt that we’ll have the baby’s room done in a timely fashion…I’m picturing nailing up artwork and frantically painting the trim in between contractions. That’s just how we roll. Right now I’m at a weird in-between stage and it seems to be going soooo slowly. Because something weird happened after I spent all that time waiting to get pregnant… now I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. I just want to meet my baby. Maybe I’m destined to always be impatient about something. Last night we were at Eric’s sisters house, the one who is now a week past her due date and eagerly anticipating baby’s arrival. I was super jealous that she gets to meet her baby – this week! I know I need to chill out and just appreciate this time (hey, I slept in super late today and have been a lazy bump on a log for most of it), and of course appreciate being pregnant. And I do. But the more real this baby becomes, the more I want to see him/her.
Realistically, it wouldn’t make sense to start on the baby’s room anyway because we still don’t know if we’re going pink or blue (theoretically). Only a little over a month until we find out. Insanity. Eric is team blue, and yeah, I am totally team pink. Of course I say, “as long as it’s healthy…” but I mean, no duh. I think anyone who has been following along can figure out by now that I’ll take a boy, a girl, an alien, whatever. I just want something. But deep down, I always pictured having a girl first.
I’ve been thinking long and hard about why it’s so important for me to have a girl, and what I came up with is that if I was ONLY able to have one child, I would definitely want a daughter. But I think we will have more than one. We still have three embabies on ice and I’m slowly becoming more confident in my body’s ability to sustain life. So a girl, eventually, would be all right. At the church Christmas service I tried to pay special attention to the message that God sent his only SON to save the world. Then there was a pageant of first graders acting out the nativity story and the wee lad who they had cast as the little drummer boy literally brought tears to my eyes. He was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. A boy would be good. I’m happy; I’m happy either way.
Alert: abrupt topic change! So I’ve been wondering – any bloggers out there have this problem? I’m out and proud and lots of my real life friends and family read this blog. That’s cool. But sometimes I have issues that I simply can’t discuss because I’m not anonymous. Like right now this HUGE thing is going on that I would love to vent, bitch, and moan about, but I can’t because of certain people who read this blog. It sucks! Sometimes I yearn for anonymity. It’s not even that you guys would be able to help with my problem, it’s more that I get so many warm fuzzies from your commiseration that it would really help me out just to have that. I’m sorry for cryptic blog posting, that’s really mean of me. 98% of you can probably know my issue, so if you’re dying of curiosity, shoot me an email and I’ll tell you. It’s not even that interesting, it’s just annoying, and is one of the (few) things going on right now. It feels weird that I can’t blog about it. I’m an open book about boobs and vaginas, but when it comes to personal matters, some things must remain secret.
Related to that, I’ve been thinking a lot about my last post and I’m hoping I didn’t come off sounding like a total bitch. As I said, a lot of the ‘mommy club’ friends read my blog and there I was whining about not being part of their club. Well, the mommies I know are nothing but accepting and understanding, and while I still maintain that I’ll never really be part of the club, that’s not for lack of their trying. I’m the one who feels awkward and inferior, but not because they try to make me feel that way. Just the opposite, in fact. A few have even said things like, “I have no idea what you’re going through, but I want you to know I’m here for you.” Yeah, there’s nothing better than hearing that. So to my mommy friends, I’m really sorry if I sounded ungrateful for your friendship. You’ve all been amazing at making me feel loved, and asking all the right questions. Sometimes I write without thinking, or think I sound a certain way when really I sound like a huge ungrateful jerk. Again, I’m sorry.
I suppose I should do a little bit of year-end recapping. A year ago yesterday I started my Lupron injections. I showed up to a New Year’s Eve party late because I had to swing by my mother-in-law’s to get the shot (the first of how many – hundreds?). I remember that day so well – taking the bus into the city, rushing uptown to the pharmacy to fill the script before it closed, hurrying in to the party and breathlessly explaining what was going on. At the time it felt like things were happening so quickly. How could I possibly know what 2013 had in store for me? So many ups and downs, so many periods of time that dragged and so many that flew by. I can’t help but believe that this year will be so much better, and that when 2014 comes to a close, I’ll be holding my daughter or son and marveling at how it all happened.
Wishing you all a joyous, drama-free new year that’s filled with love and happiness (and babies to everyone who wants them). Yeah, it’s cliche, but I mean it. We all deserve it.