Greetings, blog world.
I know I keep saying “things just got real,” but honestly that’s how it is – every day it sinks in a little further that this could actually be happening and we could be bringing home a baby in just a smidge more than three months. A baby! I guess the closest thing to compare it to would be our wedding, but even that was not quite so hard to picture since (much to my mother’s dismay) we were already living together for a few months before the event. So while I really had no concept of how it would feel to be “husband” and “wife,” envisioning myself in a similar close situation with a man I already knew, with the added security of a ring on my finger and a really nice Kitchenaid mixer, just wasn’t a stretch. I knew what I was getting into. I dipped my toes. With a baby, it’s like I’ve been sitting on dry land for so long and now they’re slowly lowering me over the water, about to loosen the net and throw me in. It’s gonna be crazy, I can tell.
But I digress. Yesterday I had an hour-long in depth fetal heart ultrasound at the Perinatal center. I was told that this is standard practice for all IVF pregnancies, as there is an elevated risk for heart defects for IVF babies as compared to naturally conceived babies. I wasn’t about to complain because I was hoping to get another 3D shot of her face on the fancy schmancy ultrasound equipment that they have there. (Unfortunately, my little contortionist was folded up like a pretzel the whole time, knees to nose, so no such picture was possible. She’s still cute though).
As I was lying there, I heard a song. It’s a song I haven’t heard in a long, long time – in fact, the last time I remember hearing it, I was lying in the pre-op area waiting to undergo my D&C after my miscarriage with the twins. Awful, right? I’m sure I’ve probably heard it since then, but that’s the last time it really stuck out as memorable. The contrast between these two situations – the feelings I had, the emotions, the outlook – it was just so different. Even though yesterday I was in a happy place and every couple of minutes the doctor kept saying, “Looks perfect. Everything looks just right,” I couldn’t help crying. Tears of happiness and of gratitude just started pouring out of me. How did I get here? How did I make it this far?
It’s funny, I have a lyrics analysis for this particular song in my drafts and I just never got around to posting it. I’m sure most of us have a song or songs that we relate to infertility and loss for one reason or another. I can’t even read the lyrics to Pink’s “Beam Me Up” without dissolving into a puddle of messy emotion (if you’ve ever had a miscarriage, go listen to it. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s literally the saddest song ever). But in regards to infertility in general, and to having my baby, I’ve always been drawn to this one song – the one I heard yesterday. It’s from Twilight, please don’t judge me. The song is called “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri. Here’s the chorus:
I have died every day waiting for you
Darlin’ don’t be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
It speaks to me. Dramatics? Check. Hyperbole? Check! It so perfectly puts into words the extremity of feeling that I’ve been carrying around for years now. I’ve DIED every day waiting for this child. Not just mourned, not just yearned – died. My love for her is so big, it encompasses a thousand years before I existed, and it will go on for a thousand years more. Plus, the singer’s voice is really beautiful. I know she’s technically talking about a guy who she’s pining for, but ignore a few obvious lines and the song could easily be about an unborn child. I’ll post the lyrics to the entire song below in case you’re interested.
Anyway, the song played, I cried, we finished up the ultrasound and everything looked great. She has a good, strong heart, as far as they can tell.
Eric and I had been throwing around the idea of going to register (reality: I’ve been nagging, he’s been procrastinating). We finally decided that going out right after work might be easier since we’d already be out and about, plus the store was likely to be less crowded. In a sort of impromptu move, we decided to go last night, on Thursday. He made me swear we’d only be there for 30 minutes (for anyone who has ever done any kind of registry: this is your cue to laugh heartily).
We got to the store and were sitting down to relay pertinent information and get our handy dandy scanner, and you’ll never guess what song came on over the store’s loudspeakers. Yes! I haven’t heard it in ages, and then twice in one day? In such baby-centric situations? So bizarre. This time I didn’t cry…I smiled.
Registering was overwhelming, to say the least. Since my sister, my mom, and some of my friends who are done having kids are giving me a bunch of stuff, I almost felt like we wouldn’t need to do one at all. We have the crib… the changing table… swings, papasans, and a bassinet. Tons of clothes. (Mountains of clothes. I mean… she is fully clothed and covered for hourly outfit changes for 6 months solid. No lie). I went in to the store knowing that I needed to get a new Bobby cover, a Sophie the Giraffe, and a car seat. Other than that I figured we needed nothing. Ha. Ha. Ha.
As we walked and scanned and got fawned over by the employees who were obviously bored out of their minds working on a Thursday night (I can’t recommend weeknight registering enough. It’s the perfect time to go), I was completely floored by how many things we actually DID need. Bottles, pacifiers, bath towels, diapers, nursing covers… as much as we were getting secondhand, we still needed so much. And I’m sure the store is meant to make you feel that way. Like, duh, it’s a store.
I knew to pass over silly things like wipes warmers. I’ve read the articles, I’ve talked to the experienced moms; I sort of know what’s just a waste of time and money. But all that crap aside, we still just need so much stuff. And don’t even try to talk me out of the $188 Petunia Pickle Bottom diaper bag, because at heart I am a total bag snob (I worked at Coach for 3 years), and I’ve been coveting one of those since my days of selling them to the snobby new moms at Nordstrom. Eric may have begrudgingly scanned it, but it’s a need, not a want. It has a fold out changing pad! Genius, I tell you!
Plus, a funny thing happened over the course of the night. I started to think, wow, this is not just stuff… this is stuff for a real live child who will be joining us in our house soon. That little pink sun hat will go on her head at the beach. This stroller that folds so conveniently will come with us to Musikfest in August, so instead of filling a mug with straight vodka and staunchly avoiding eye contact with pregnant chicks at the ‘fest (like I’ve done every year so far), I’ll be pushing my baby in a stroller. My baby. This baby who I’ve loved for a thousand years, and who I’ll love for a thousand more.
We have so much to do. Completing the registry was supposed to make me feel accomplished, but instead it made me feel woefully unprepared. And yet, at the same time, I feel a sense of calm. No matter what we do or don’t do, my baby is coming. She may not have all the stuff yet, but she’ll get what she needs. In the end, what more does she really need than so much love and gratitude for her existence?
Oh, that’s right. She does need that Petunia Pickle Bottom diaper bag.
Here are the words to that song I was telling you about:
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died every day
waiting for you
Darlin’ don’t be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a
Thousand more
Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin’ don’t be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a
Thousand more
And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a
Thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin’ don’t be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a
Thousand more
And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a
Thousand more