I’m gonna skip the part where I apologize for the lengthy absence. You know the drill – work, baby, vacuuming endless piles of dog hair, sleep, etc, etc. I thought keeping up with my blog would be easy but as it turns out…not so easy.
But with drama looming on the horizon, I’m back! Ok, drama might be too strong a word. Let’s call it “growing.” Let’s call it “progress.”
Here’s what happened: I started planning a weekend visit with two friends who I only get to see maybe once a year, if that. One of these friends lives in Boston, which is a pretty cool city, so we decided to go visit her there. She is a fitness instructor (I mean, part-time, in addition to her full-time job, because she’s an animal!) and my other friend is really into working out too, so we decided it would be fun to take her class as part of our weekend. As a gym newbie, I’m a little scared, but it’s better than planning to just sit around sipping cocktails and eating bagels, right? (I mean, we’ll probably do that too, but at least it will somewhat balance out if we burn a bajillion calories beforehand).
The more we started throwing around the phrase “girl’s weekend,” the more I started to realize that the trip wouldn’t necessarily be kid-friendly. My initial daydreams about our get-together included a smiling, bouncy baby playing on the floor as everyone oohed and aahed. I pictured myself dropping her off with a little wave at the gym’s daycare while I took the crazy intense workout class. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this scenario was probably not realistic. My friends are both young professionals, and I’m doubting they want to be in bed by 7 like Molly does. Going to dinner and drinks at 5pm to accomodate her schedule? Probably not their idea of a great time.
After a few planning emails back and forth we decided that it was probably best that I not bring the baby. The gym where my friend teaches doesn’t even have a daycare, so if I did bring her, I wouldn’t be able to take the class – ostensibly the whole point of the trip. I panicked for a moment and considered cancelling. I’ve never, in her entire short life, spent a night apart from my baby girl! But then I took a deep breath, put on my big girl panties, and asked Eric if he could handle a weekend alone with Miss Molly. He answered with a very serious, “Well I am the girl’s father, aren’t I?”
Truth be told, I think this could be a very good thing. Molly is very clingy to me…but only when she knows I’m in the vicinity. That’s why Eric hisses “Don’t you dare walk by that door!” when he’s in the nursery rocking her to sleep. The moment she sees me, she goes into full-on meltdown mode until I pick her up. So… I think a weekend of bonding with daddy could be great for both of them. And you know what else? I think it could be great for ME.
The closest thing I have to equate this to is our morning routine. Molly usually wakes up around 5/5:30 but my alarm doesn’t go off until 6. Eric gets up at 5:30 and lets the dogs out, then comes back inside and makes his coffee, and then heads back into the bedroom to rescue me. By 5:45, Molly is usually singing/babbling to herself, idly kicking my arm, and shoving her fingers up my nose while I pretend I’m still sleeping. Every morning he picks her up and brings her out to the living room and for 15 glorious minutes, I sleep. I sleep the sleep of a mom who isn’t listening for her baby to cry, who isn’t bunching her pillow up tightly so it doesn’t suffocate the sleeping child next to her, who isn’t tensed up and ready to keep her huband (or dog or self) from rolling onto the aforementioned child who has decided that after midnight, she absolutely must be transferred into mommy and daddy’s bed (Her crib is acceptable between 7 and midnight, but after that, not so much). It’s not real sleep, or REM sleep, but it’s something. It’s “I can let go now” sleep.
I’m picturing a whole weekend of sleep like this, and of just…existing like this. Sure, I go to work every day, and technically that’s a “break” from being a mom, but at work I have to… work. Since I’ve had her, I haven’t had any significant amount of leisure time that didn’t involve my daughter. That’s mostly by design, because if I’m not at work, she is hands down my favorite person to hang out with. BUT, at the same time, it could be interesting/invigorating to have a whole weekend of just being Amanda again. And surely a happier Amanda, because it’s not the doom-and-gloom Amanda terrified that she’ll never get to be a mom. I’ll rest easy knowing that I get to be a mom again in 48 hours. What could be better?
I’m sure I’ll be worried, but at the same time, I’ll know she’s in capable hands. I’m very lucky that Eric knows what to do (even if I’m the one who usually does it). He knows how to feed her, and entertain her, and get her to sleep. I may be the default parent, but he definitely knows what he’s doing. And if he does get overwhelmed, he has his parents, my parents, my sister, and his sisters all within a 5 mile radius. There’s just no reason for me to NOT go.
I plan on driving there, so if I freak out with separation anxiety and have to cancel at the last minute (or make a U-turn the minute I arrive), I can without any lost money due to cancelled airline tickets or whatever. But I don’t think that I will.
I’m part of a private mom’s group on Facebook and I got a lot of great feedback when I posted about this issue – it seemed like there were two sides: 1) OMG I COULD NEVER LEAVE MY BABY and 2) Ugh, I would kill for a girl’s weekend. Anyone wanna go to Vegas? Up until we started planning this trip I definitely considered myself part of group one. But now that I’m going, I’m excited to be going. Does that make sense? Has anyone else had a similar situation?
In other news… not much going on. Working, living, hanging out. Still working my butt off in the gym but getting impatient about not seeing results fast enough (especially in light of this trip, with two of the fittest people I know). I have two months to step up my game.
I’ll leave you with some pictures of the little princess. I told her she’s growing up too quickly and she better stop it or else, but she didn’t seem to listen…